Road to Jannah

Recently I was talking to some of you younger girls (than me) individually about various topics like marriage, career, life, etc. and I realized:  YOU GUYS!!! You’re making the same mistakes my generation made!! Bad bad bad……. So that reminded me that ever since starting this blog I’ve wanted to write down some thoughts for you young’uns… you know who you are… a lot of you just graduated too in a nice little koinkydink!…. I mean the GIRLzz BTW… (boyzzz y’all can just stop right here and tune in next week for the next topic specifically for guys, because here I’ll be talking about things like periods, menstrual cycles, feminine hygiene products, etc!!)

…So Watchu Momma Never Told You….

On choosing a major:

Don’t look at the predictions for the ‘hot jobs’ or ‘best industries’. Back when I was choosing a major, IT was said to be the ‘wave of the future’ and indestructible, and of course look at the dot com bust and the current recession! Even if you want to be… say… a doctor (M.oney Doc not a P.oor H.ungry D.oc hehe) what if in the future the economy gets so bad, the middle class rises up and insists on universal health care and every doctor gets paid the same as teachers!! (SACRILEGE!!!) So there are tons of predictions and waves and whatever so you can’t really choose the best industries or what’s going to happen to the economy in the future, the important thing is to find something you’re really interested in and like.

When you start working you’re going to be working from 9am to 5pm almost every day of your life doing the same thing over and over again. It’s going to be your life! It’s important to find something you really like and love to do and could do all day every day! It would be good if you could go and follow someone who’s doing that job also before you decide. So volunteer at an office, hospital, work part-time in your industry. That way you can see how things are every day for that job and decide what you want to do! This might sound sexist but as women and later on in life you may wish to work part time or have something that’s more flexible. So being an architectural engineer (yeah I made that job up!) working in the field 7 days a work may be great now but how’s that going to work with your future family life? (iA) Think about these things. You never know what life will bring but at least you can try to be somewhat happy careerwise. I’ll add something here about encouraging you all to look into fields besides the usual engineering and medicine.  As a Muslim we should be making Islam a part of our daily life and wouldn’t it be great if our job was part of that, like in journalism or education or counseling or political science or the arts or social work. You can make a living doing other things!! Believe me, hating your job and waking up every day at 6am knowing you hate your job, your boss, your work etc etc really kills someone’s soul and Muslim spirit.

On thinking about marriage:

It’s a good idea to start looking for someone right after high school during your college years. YES I SAID IT. This is the time when there are the most single good Muslim people around that you can get to know personally in an active environment. After college it’s extremely hard to even MEET any other Muslims and you’re just so busy and all the good ppl get snapped up! So don’t sit back, and don’t wait. Make it a priority! You don’t have to get married right then, you can always wait and get engaged or get married later or whatever, but it’s definitely the best time to find someone or at least establish some good friend networks that are very helpful in the future. The #1 way people get married is through friends. (not counting arranged marriages)  Nowadays people are getting married much later and it’s normal for people to get married in their early 30s even but believe me when I say a lot of factors make it much, much harder. Especially for sisters. More on this later.

Soulmate idea:

Ok I know some of you girls are all into this “soulmate idea” and that it’ll “happen when it happens” so why should I do anything I’ll just sit here and look pretty and wait for it to happen. Uhhhhhhhhm. Ok. We should have Tawakkul and we do believe in Qadr and it will happen when it happens, but we have to tie our camel too. Take an interest at least.  When your parents give you “the talk” about marriage for the first time make sure you’re ready and tell them the 4 most important things you’re looking for. When someone mentions someone for marriage don’t refuse them outright. Take a chance and see if it’s something possible. If it ends up not to your liking, that’s fine and ok too.

Maybe we all watched too many Indian movies or something but what is wrong with marrying someone who is not your soulmate (if you believe in that concept) but still makes you happy. Does that not mean that other person is really your soulmate? So why are you focused on ONE, The ONE as some girls say.

On that ‘ideal spouse’:

So this is what happens every ‘generation’. There’s always that ONE girl, the pretty, cute, smart, religious, sweet one. (or so it appears to guys) and EVERY guy likes her. Why is that? Cuz’ guys are stupid. (I’ll get into this more in a later post… maybe one specifically for the guys so they can think about some things!! Hey girls are stupid too sometimes I’m equal opportunity here!) But it always happens without FAIL in every group. So this one girl gets hundreds… ok a handful plus more proposals and she ends up accepting the AWESOMEST guy. The guy who has everything… comes from a good family, is young, hafiz-like, yet still can tell a joke like azher usman, is msa president, has the perfect education/potential job setup and is gorgeous to boot. After the most beautiful, extravagant wedding of the season, within a year she’s living in a beautiful place and has the PERFECT LIFE. (or so it seems to us) So…….. what happens when that guy that hasn’t finished his degree shows up at your door? That guy who’s a little older? That guy who’s kinda fobby? That guy who’s in school but works at the pizza shop right now. That new convert guy? That guy that doesn’t really have a perfect 5-10-15 year plan.

We as girls just always have this ideal in our minds that we’re always looking for and… we’ll never find. Sometimes we think we’ve found it like when we observe ‘perfect guy’ or that one guy we’re infatuated with. But no one is ever perfect. Ask every girl that has gotten married, even before she gets married, she will tell you the same thing. Every girl who gets married has compromised in some way to marry that guy (except ‘perfect girl’ of course!) because people are not perfect! So my advice here is to take every guy as a separate entity and evaluate his strengths and weaknesses.  You can even take out a piece of paper and do it… advantages column/ disadvantages column. Do istikharah a lot too. You’ll find your answer, but the sooner you understand the difference between your “ideal” and “what you’re looking for” the better.

‘Talking’ with boys:

Let’s move on to the main thing I want to talk about – a very important topic:  the ‘talking with boys’. (Meaning not just ‘talking’, but hanging out with, flirting online and in person, having relationships with, etc.) Yeah remember when your Mom was like ‘no talking to boysss!’ and the Arabic Shaykh guy who got this anonymous question on a folded-like-origami-piece-of-ripped-out-notebook-paper at the Mosque answered ‘Haaaaaaaaaaaraaam’. Yeah and remember when you were like maaan they are so dumb and old fashioned and you continued to aim/facebook/twitter/text (whatever you guys do nowadays!) the guy.  Let me tell you something… do you think you guys invented talking to boys?? HAH!! We were doing it wayyy before you, when you were still like 12 or something! (BTW one time we tried to explain this to you girls at a mosque sleepover but I don’t think you guys understood and one of the older girls said to me “They’ll never listen. They’ll just make the same mistakes we did.” To which I quote Luke Skywalker-like, “NooOOOoooooooooooooo” We have to break the cycle somehow!)

Our Nature:

Anyway what I’m saying is that I know you guys do it, as we did, but there are some inherent things in this ‘talking to guys’ thing that is totally not beneficial for you, especially as a girl. First we have to understand that as human beings Allah put something inside us all that makes us have this inherent need for a spouse, for companionship with the opposite sex.  (not talking about sex here, companionship) So we are always looking for this, especially in our 20s. (See Maslows hierarchy of needs for any of u psych majors) As desis, arabs etc and how today’s world works makes us wait many many years before we are actually given this. So in the meantime this need is fulfilled in these ‘platonic’ friendships with guys. So what’s wrong with this you’d say…. I can’t tell you the countless countless needless heartbreak, drama, issues, friend problems, family problems that develop from this. Again this is going to sound sexist, but I really believe that Allah put something different in a woman’s heart. For us the more we get to know someone the more we develop feelings for them. Guys are more easily able to block their emotions. They can be ‘friends’ with a girl for years and never think anything of it.

Abdullah Adhami talked about this in his tape set where he said girls are very vulnerable because they are looking for this friendship and love and many guys are looking for fulfilling their need of companionship with a girl but are able to separate that from considering her for a serious relationship. I’m not saying these guys are using you, but I’m saying they do a lot of these things unconsciously like you do and while you can tell yourself ‘we’re just friends’ all you want and make up all these excuses like ‘it’s for the sake of finding out about marriage’ or ‘i can be friends without developing feelings’, I’m gonna call u a liar. Cause you have girl friends, what do you need him for? There’s something that keeps you talking to him.

So for us, our hearts are vulnerable just by it’s nature.  I know many girls who continued ‘talking’ ‘being’ with a guy for long periods of time, even years, even through engagement but in the end the guy changed his mind, or found someone else,  or in the end couldn’t convince his family or go against his family, or married his cousin. Where does that leave the girl?? With a broken heart. And I’m telling you I can tell you almost EVERY girl in my generation has gone through this. There really is a reason why Allah puts these boundaries here for us, it’s not to keep us from “physical contact or sex” but it’s there to protect our hearts which I’ll argue is the point of Islam in all it’s aspects.  Throughout the rishta process and even if people are engaged there are still rules and limits there. Allah is protecting us, but of course we never listen.

Talking and TALKING:

So I’m not saying never talk to a guy but you know the difference between ‘talking’ about business or msa or whatever and TALKING. I know you know the difference, but let me tell you the line there is as thin as a hair and a slippery slope, so easy to pass before you know it, so you have to be constantly on your guard. You should be clear about the reason why you’re talking to a guy. Is it unconsciously for the purposes of marriage? If so, why is it so shady, why doesn’t your family know about it? Why aren’t his, and your intentions clear? If these are all ambiguous, you’re in trouble. There’s no need to discuss your every day life with a guy for hours. There’s no need to talk to a guy late at night online or on the phone about this or that.  There’s no need to discuss what you’re looking for with him unless he’s a real rishta. There’s no need to text a guy. I mean why do it? A real guy who is interested in you will be above board about everything and take you and your family’s concerns to heart. He will be open about things and do things in a decent way. The guy you marry will NOT be shady about things. Do you really think the guy that writes “’sup u look hot n dat pic” on your facebook wall is a decent guy that’s going to marry you? [Furthermore, what exactly are girls advertising when they put up pinup pics of themselves that would do Playboy proud?] A real relationship will never be an ambiguous “does he like me? do i like him?” Pop quiz:  Do Muslim guys go against their families to marry someone other than what their families want? No they don’t. Some girls might, but guys never do. Do you know how many drama Indian movies have gone on in this and other communities over trying to change parent’s minds. Also another aspect of guys  (or girls) being stupid , if they think they can get something better they will. AND they will often keep girls in ‘reserve’ just in case something else doesn’t work out. AND they will often exploit a girl for her companionship, to not feel lonely and to feel good about themselves. (unconsciously of course)

An interesting thing a modern shaykh said way back in the early days:  He was talking to a girls only MYNA group and suggested that as an exercise girls should wear hijab while talking online to brothers. Now think about why he said that and how your interactions would be different if you did and why they’re different when you don’t.

I was going to tell story after story of heartbreak, pain, family drama and disillusionment here to prove my point of how these things come to bad ends, especially for girls, but I think the examples won’t matter unless you’re willing to listen. (And they might be too recognizable and some people would kill me!) Also, I feel that these things are some ugly past secrets of my generation and I don’t want to break that trust, but if you really need to be convinced because something’s going on right now, come to me in person and I guarantee you’ll be shocked by what you little ‘uns dont know. You might think it’s ok to have a shady relationship as long as you actually marry the guy. Well, I’ll posit that it’ll negatively affect you, your future marriage and your family. After all, more couples who live with each other before getting married get divorced than those who don’t. Ask yourself why.

Again, we have all gone through it before, you’re not doing anything new and good luck if you think your result is going to come out different.

I am the first person to say you cannot control who you fall in love with, but you can protect your heart, like I said above, until you find someone decent and deserving of it.

Anyway enough said, you’re probably in denial and will realize this all on ur own one day, but here’s hoping.

NEVER burn your bridges:

Never burn your bridges in anything…….  As people we like to feel we are progressing so when we leave that old job or that old school or old city, we want to just cut off all ties and move on. But see, having those ties are EXTREMELY helpful later in life. Need a place to stay or a guide when you go somewhere… no prob you have friends everywhere. Trying to expand your ‘potentials’ database…all those college friends will come through for you. Need a reference for a new job, need to look for a new job.. your old co-workers/boss are there to help. Don’t insult or abuse or break off ties with anyone on purpose even if you have reason. There is a reason why Allah makes such a heavy emphasis on never cutting off the family ties. It’s because you need them and they need you, the same as other people you meet throughout your life.  There is an extremely wise Hadith that says (paraphrasing) don’t ever love or hate someone with too much passion, because one day you might come to love the person you hated, or hate the person you loved. And seriously this happens in life. People who I absolutely hated when I was younger have ended up as close supporters, people who I really loved ended up hurting and disappointing me the most. As Muslims we should always learn from the Prophet’s (s) example and treat everyone with Ihsan. Leaving people with a good memory or impression of you, trying to get over grudges and rectifying things with people. These are Islamic concepts and in the end they also end up helping us in life.

Stop being ‘too nice’ :

Since I run my own website I’ve had my share of stalkers over the years. One day iA I’ll write a whole blog post that will make your hair stand on end. With the world becoming more and more online including social networking it’s just increased the amount of crazy guys, or maybe the easy access and being online made them crazy! Either way it’s so easy to become a victim. But you don’t need to be. If you’re not interested in someone tell them outright and be clear. Use your parents if you have to. It isn’t fair to you or to him to keep someone on a string like that because you’re too “nice to hurt someone’s feelings”.

There’s two kind of stalkers, the good ones… who just follow you around and try to keep talking to you in hopes of something, and the bad one that doesn’t really like you or was rebuffed and has a lot of animosity but does the same as the first. And incredibly enough stalkers can be of your own gender too! So besides taking preventive measures like never revealing your last name or knowing someone in person first before interacting too much with them or keeping everyone on limited profile, if someone does try to get too close, just cut them off. Seriously, it’s for their benefit as well as yours.

For the freaks, every email service, facebook whatever will have a way that you can block that person or report them. Use those and if you’re still having problems find someone who knows how those things work and can help you. Fight back, you may be helping some other sister down the line. Unfortunately some forums and other online things take harassment and stalking lightly, but others don’t, like mine — we have a zero tolerance policy. You don’t need to put up with it and you shouldn’t have to. Not just cuz stalking is the biggest precursor to crimes, but for Muslims girls they result in other wack things. And believe me, some stalkers will do everything they can to ruin your life, including stealing your data, making up lies about you and spreading it, ruining your relationships. Even for the ‘good’ ones, the guys need to learn that their behavior shouldn’t be tolerated from the beginning and they need to figure out how to interact normally with girls. I’ve seen some girls just be casual about it or let it go on like forever ‘cuz you’re too nice. But it’s not right for you or him so break it off as cleanly as possible. This goes for in person or online.

Don’t make decisions with ‘what if’:

Don’t live your life making each decision thinking ‘what if’. ‘What if’ could happen but ‘what if’ could not happen. So just take your time and do all those things you’ve always wanted to do in life. Travel, buy things, invest, climb mountains, whatever. I wish 10 years ago that I bought this new car. I was going to, but then I thought ‘What if I get married…I might need this or that’. (Yet I still coulda kept my car or sold it at a good price or whatever) A friend of mine recently said, ‘I wanted to travel overseas right after college but then my Mom was like you can travel after you get married! and I thought I should be responsible and stay home and work and socialize with people. But now I’m locked into my job and can’t leave and a friend of mine just met someone in a desert somewhere!’ Yeah so as girls we’re always trained to sacrifice our own selves for others, and now we’re sacrificing ourselves for “future what-if concepts” like marriage, family whatever!!

Haters:

I have a lot of haters.  It’s ok I’ve gotten over it. I learned a long, long time ago that if you’re going to do anything at all in life besides sit there and do nothing, someone is going to disagree with you, criticize you, be jealous of you or hate you for it. You’ll simply never be able to do anything in life without having someone not like you for it. Guys or girls. Heck, even some of these blog posts have caused some “friends” to “de-friend” me!! What can I say.. people are very insecure and there’s a lot of drama out there in the world. Ever read that bumper sticker “Well behaved women rarely make history”? Yes, it’s true. All these revolutionary ladies from non-Muslim and Muslim tradition have all had major detractors and haters. Don’t you remember as far back as the Prophet (s) where people didn’t like Aisha [ra] because of the ‘power’ she held over the Prophet(s). I even heard some sisters called an organizer of an Islamic event a sl*t. Jeeez Why???!!! There’s always naysayers, people who are jealous, or just plain people who disagree with what you’re doing. But don’t let that stop you. The way I look at it is if people are against what you’re doing or don’t like you, that means you’re actually doing something noteworthy, standing for a principle or trying to change and improve something. If you believe in something, keep going. And if you can smile at the haters all the better.

Shopping:

Ok finally the good stuff Here’s some tips (that I wish I could follow too). When you shop  try to buy nicer quality maybe more expensive items that are more classic. Nicer coats, shoes, clothes, jewelry, bags.  Buy only one at a time and build up a nice wardrobe. These last longer and look nicer. You can always have a few new trendy type things every season but there’s no point in buying all these trendy cute clothes every season and then by the next year they’re so out of date they sit in your closet or you’re throwing them out! The recession has made people really careful about buying stuff on sale, using coupons, keeping an eye out on stuff you like till the price goes down, going to outlet malls, comparison shopping online. Buying good quality out of season. Try to learn y’all!

Going out to restaurants. I don’t think you guys do this much but for my generation this is all we did! And it can seriously break the bank! Again try to go to the moderately priced type of places, patronizing Muslim places is always a good thing because you are supporting the families even if the food is not as good. For the more expensive restaurants try limiting your outings and here’s a tip:  share a meal cuz they’re usually huge anyway and don’t buy a fancy drink!! Drinks can cost upwards of $4.95 in certain places now! There’s nothing wrong with water and hey it helps your diet too

Clutter yes, why do we all have so much junk? Do your best to keep things light and give away things you aren’t using to people who could really use them.  Even things like useful books and CDs. As Muslims we know none of this stuff is going with us, so why hold on to it? There’s always those sentimental things we just need to keep, but do your best. It’s just healthier for you as a person. Do I need to mention exercise here? (Most girls are already weight obsessed.) Just try to exercise and eat well… you know all that good stuff

Anyways there’s hundreds of other money saving and life tips, like going to a library regularly instead of buying books all the time, spending time in Dhikr everyday. You don’t have to become an ascetic! Just live a moderate  Muslim life that’s a little spiritual and cut out things that are not necessary (and haram! lol) and trust me you’ll be a much happier person.

Periods, Menstrual cycles, Feminine hygiene products:

Ok I have no advice. They sux and we have to live with it, but always think of it as a mercy given to us from Allah. We don’t have to pray and we don’t have to fast woohoo! Hopefully I scared the guys off with the mention of it at the beginning though

Allright………. please comment… (let the denials begin)

Peace out

J.

P.S. – You can subscribe to this blog by clicking on that big flower up there^ or use your favorite reader!

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On Love, Pride & Prejudice and Islam

by Br Khalid

Mr. Darcy, I am a very selfish creature; and for the sake of giving relief to my own feelings, care not how much I may be wounding yours. I can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister. Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious to acknowledge to you how gratefully I feel it. Were it known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express.”

“I am sorry, exceedingly sorry,” replied Darcy, in a tone of surprise and emotion, “that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted.”

“You must not blame my aunt. Lydia’s thoughtlessness first betrayed to me that you had been concerned in the matter; and, of course, I could not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the sake of discovering them.”

“If you will thank me,” he replied, “let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your family owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you.”

Many of you will recognise the above as the conversation between the two main protagonists in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice before Darcy proposes marriage to Elizabeth for the second time in the book.

As we all know, the answer he obtains at this juncture is markedly different from the response he receives during his first rather feeble attempt.

Pride and Prejudice is considered a classic in English literature and, following the BBC adaptation of the book in the 1990s, has risen incredibly in popularity fueling an amazing spin off industry of its own.

From an Islamic point of view, however, why should we care?

Isn’t it just another boy meets girl–boy falls for girl–boy loses girl–boy gets girl back-kind of story which is so prevalent in modern day Hollywood?

That may well be the case but I have always been of the opinion that there are some very strong Islamic themes which can be identified from the novel, with the paragraph quoted above being just one typical example.

Repentance

It is said that repentance in Islam is composed of three things:

1.   Knowledge of one’s wrong actions

2.   Remorse over one’s wrong actions

3.   Resolution not to return to those wrong actions as well as a resolution in redressing any wrongs associated with the past

As Imam Ghazali says in his Ihya:

As long as man knows not that transgressions are the causes from the remoteness of the Beloved, he will neither regret nor grieve over his travelling on the path of withdrawal. As long as he is not grieved, he will not turn back, retreat being abandonment and determination.

Could we argue that only when Darcy was deep into the writing of Elizabeth’s letter, detailing his behaviour and role in the break up of Bingley and Jane, that he finally started to see the error of his ways?

Did this lead to remorse and an attempt to rectify previous wrongs?

If so, what does that say about us as Muslims in this day and age? Do we really know enough about ourselves and our religion to able to identify whether we are transgressing or not?

Or are we simply amongst those people who think we are doing nothing wrong and are perfectly fine but then discover to our horror that the following verse may actually apply to us:

Say: “Shall we tell you of those who lose most in respect of their deeds?-

“Those whose efforts have been wasted in this life, while they thought that they were acquiring good by their works?”

One can’t repent if one is in a state of ignorance over one’s own transgressions.

This is why the acquisition of knowledge is paramount no matter who or where we are in the world, and, possibly why, in the absence thereof we are commanded to constantly seek Allah’s forgiveness.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

I heard Allah’s Apostle (s) saying.

” By Allah! I ask for forgiveness from Allah and turn to Him in repentance more than seventy times a day.”

[Bukhari]

Sincerity

When Darcy asks for Elizabeth’s hand in marriage for the second time, he prefaces his proposal by his resolve in only helping Elizabeth’s family for her sake alone and for no one else.

“If you will thank me,” he replied, “let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your family owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you.”

In Islam, the Qur’an constantly reminds us about sincerity and that our worship and servitude should only be ‘for Allah’

Verily it is We Who have revealed the Book to thee in Truth: so serve Allah, offering Him sincere devotion. Is it not to Allah that sincere devotion is due?…

…Say: “It is Allah I serve, with my sincere (and exclusive) devotion…

..Call ye, then, upon Allah with sincere devotion to Him..

…He is the Living (One): There is no god but He: Call upon Him, giving Him sincere devotion…

Of course sincerity is linked to repentance since one cannot really truly resolve to abstain from wrong if one is not sincere in that claim. As such, Allah addresses the believers in this regard:

O ye who believe! Turn to Allah with sincere repentance..

There could be an argument made here that one of the reasons why we constantly fail in our endeavours is because of a lack of sincerity in our actions and in our intentions.

The (true) believers are those only who believe in Allah and His Messenger and afterward doubt not, but strive with their wealth and their lives for the cause of Allah. Such are the sincere.

The indication from the above verse is that sincerity is not merely a passive belief in Allah and and His Messenger but also involves an *active* effort in terms of striving and self improvement.

Would Elizabeth have been so impressed with Darcy’s actions if he had not personally sought out Wickham and Lydia rather than just sending a servant to conclude the agreement?

Love

What is love?

What does love mean?

How does one fall in love?

All good valid questions but do we have any corresponding good valid answers?

Well from the preceding discussion, it can be seen there is some type of link between sincerity and love. Interestingly enough, a heart is the most commonly used symbol for love in the world today and the scholars of Islam agree that sincerity emanates from the heart which is the seat and place of intentions.

Does that mean someone who says ‘I sincere you’ is telling you that he or she loves you?

Although both maybe completely heartfelt statements, it just doesn’t sound quite right does it?

So what *do* we know about love?

Well, we know that love is something which is a gift given to us from Allah, as one of the most oft repeated verses from the Qur’an on this topic indicates:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

But rather than just being a blessing given to us, an element of striving also results in our receipt of love from Allah:

On those who believe and work deeds of righteousness, will (God) Most Gracious bestow love.

One of the Names of Allah is Al Wadud which is often translated as The Loving or The Loving Kind.

Indeed Imam Ghazali says the following on this Name in his book on The Ninety Nine Beautiful Names of God:

Its meaning is close to ‘The Merciful’, but mercy is linked with one who receives mercy, and the one who receives mercy is needy and poor. So the actions of The Merciful presupposes there being one who is weak to receive mercy, while the actions of The Loving Kind do not require that. Rather, bestowing favours from the outset results from loving kindness

Hence love is bestowed without any pre existing conditions and such unconditional love is rare if not extinct amongst mankind today.

Imam Ghazali goes on to say that man’s share in this Name is the ability to ..desire for God’s creatures whatever he desires for himself.. and that a higher degree still are those who prefer God’s creatures over and above themselves.

He continues by saying:

The perfection of that virtue occurs when not even anger, hatred and the harm he might receive can keep him from altruism and goodness.

As the Messenger of God (s) said when his tooth was broken and his face was struck and bloodied:

‘Lord, guide my people, for they do not know’.

Not even their actions prevented him from intending their good

Such are those who have the capacity to love!!!

That capacity is something that takes time to nurture and build since it requires strength of will on our part together with resolve and determination. This process of Tazkiyah or the purification of the self (or soul) is often likened to a journey whereby the servant starts with repentance and proceeds to purify his heart through acts of obedience to his Lord such that any remnants of previous misdeeds are washed away.

This is alluded to in the following verses of the Qur’an:

”There is a mosque whose foundation was laid from the first day on piety; it is more worthy of the standing forth (for prayer) therein. In it are men who love to be purified; and Allah loveth those who make themselves pure.”

“For God loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.”

And in the famous Hadith Qudsi as related by Imam Bukhari

Narrated Abu Huraira:

Allah’s Apostle (s) said, “Allah said,

‘I will declare war against him who shows hostility to a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved things with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (praying or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) till I love him, so I become his sense of hearing with which he hears, and his sense of sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he grips, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me, I will give him, and if he asks My protection (Refuge), I will protect him; (i.e. give him My Refuge) and I do not hesitate to do anything as I hesitate to take the soul of the believer, for he hates death, and I hate to disappoint him.”

What I find so interesting about this is the level of involvement we have in determining the love that Allah shows for us. Rather than being a mere passive bestowal, we can play an active part in receiving the love of Allah by striving in his path and performing righteous deeds. Obviously the more one does along this path [in terms of extra voluntary deeds], the greater the reciprocal reward.

What is equally fascinating, however, is that this love which comes with one’s struggle and one’s efforts also begins to emanate from the creation as well as from The Creator.

Abu Huraira reported that Allah’s Messenger (s) said:

When Allah loves a servant, He calls Gabriel and says: Verily, I love so and so; you should also love him, and then Gabriel begins to love him.

Then he makes an announcement in the Heaven saying: Allah loves so and so and you also love him, and then the inhabitants of the Heaven (the Angels) also begin to love him and then there is conferred honour upon him in the earth;

and when Allah is angry with any servant He calls Gabriel and says: I am angry with such and such and you also become angry with him, and then Gabriel also becomes angry and then makes an announcement amongst the inhabitants of heaven: Verily Allah is angry with so-and so, so you also become angry with him, and thus they also become angry with him. Then he becomes the object of wrath on the earth also.

[Muslim]

Hence the process of purification can not only increase one’s capacity *to love* but also increases the capacity of *being loved*!!

Conclusion

For those faithful, sincere and purified servants of Allah, there are at least two rewards which await them.

The first relates to Satan’s promise that he would mislead the son of Adam after being banished from the heavenly realm:

(Iblis) said: “O my Lord! because Thou hast put me in the wrong, I will make (wrong) fair-seeming to them on the earth, and I will put them all in the wrong,

Except Thy servants among them, sincere and purified (by Thy Grace).”

Thus they live in the world with the protection, love and grace of Allah such that Satan and his cohorts no longer have the ability to affect them. In itself, what a reward indeed!!

The second relates to the Hereafter:

And the Garden will be brought nigh to the Righteous,- no more a thing distant.

A voice will say: “This is what was promised for you,- for everyone who turned (to Allah) in sincere repentance, who kept (His Law),

Who feared (Allah) Most Gracious Unseen, and brought a heart turned in devotion (to Him):

“Enter ye therein in Peace and Security; this is a Day of Eternal Life!”

May Allah grant us the ability to be people of repentance and sincerity who struggle with might and main in His cause, such that we become of those who are pure and beloved by our Lord.

And Allah knows best.

Wasalaam
Br Khalid

Father and Daughter

A few weeks ago in my class, I overheard one of my students teasing his sister by threatening to read her diary.

‘Oh yeahhh’, he said. ‘Well, I’m gonna get ur diary and read it to everyone! Haha!’

‘Whaaatttt! What diary?’

‘Your flower covered one I know where it is! Under ur bed, all girrrrrls keep a diary!’

‘Nuhhhh-uhhhhh’

Me interrupting and hopefully forestalling the fight:  ‘There’s nothing wrong with keeping a diary, lots of people do, even boys. You can call it a journal if you want. You write out everything that happens about your day. In fact, a lot of people have blogs, which are like online journals. Even me. Why don’t you write something for my blog? Sometimes when you write something out you feel better about things.’

He asks, ‘What could I write about?’

Me:  ‘Well, you could write about your experiences with what happened to your father.’

He looked thoughtful and gave a shrug.

A few days later the little girl comes to me with a tiny note on purple-lined Lisa Frank paper.

‘This is for your blog, sister Jannah’.

My Father

The day my father left was a disaster

the FBI came in the house and made

a huge mess. I really didn’t like that

ATALL. When my father was with me

and was at home, he always told me

“Mama get up were going to the

mosque to pray” I really loved it when

he said that. I love my father dearly

and I would be more than happy if

he came back

home. (smiley face)

(sideways on the paper on top of the kitten angel pic) I (heart) MY DAD!

‘Mama?’, I asked.

‘Yeah, that’s what he used to call me…just…he used to say ‘Mama let’s go’… just like that…’

Her father is one of the hundreds of innocent Muslims detained and unjustly prosecuted by the government in the climate of fear after 9/11. He is currently in jail for the next 15 years and is of advanced years with health problems.

See Project Salam, the Muslim Solidarity Committee,  Yassin Aref and the new film Waiting for Mercy for more information on many of these cases of innocent fathers taken from their children.

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Dedicated to a Smalltown, Somewhere.

Again.

Driving through this town,

Buying ice cream at this place,

Surreal feelings wash over me.

He lived here,

He studied here,

He worked here.

So many mistakes,

So many years,

How did I end up here?

And he,

So far away,

A stranger to me.

~

Things unsaid,

Misunderstandings spread,

Friendship never held.

Love never found,

Now I’m here,

In this, his town.

Driving around,

Thinking about,

What never happened.

Sad and ephemeral,

With my ‘what might have been’s.

~

Do the streets know

His thoughts of me?

Did the rain wash away

All the marks of our past?

Did the years crumble

All his memories?

Ruins all.

Why do I stall?

Must move on,

Must move on.

Retarted Behaviors and the ‘Happy Ending’ by Adilah AM

This past week I found out a friend recently got divorced (it turns out her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive) but what disturbed me the most is that she is currently in a new relationship. Unfortunately this type of relationship hopping is something that I see a lot of girls do and I have never understood it? Yea I guess on a superficial level I understand that some girls need men or need to be in a relationship to feel secure about themselves, that still leaves me wondering why? Why does scoiety aka friends and family, determine a girl’s worth based on whether she’s had a successful male relationship- whether “she’s got a man”? Granted there are a lot of guys who girl hop, marriage hop, divorce hop, etc… But a man could go 5 years (if not longer) and not have anyone bother him about marriage.

I believe that all serious relationships needs some sort of reflecting/ healing period. You can’t tell me that starting a new relationship 3 weeks after a divorce or even a month after an 8 month relationship is normal and especially if you were emotionally attached to the person….feelings don’t die overnight. Maybe part of the reason why these women jump from relationship to relationship is the pressure society places on marriage, love, sex and the “Happy ending”. I can’t tell you how many people a month are like “How are you? …. Don’t worry you’ll get married soon” or (from non-Muslims) “So you can’t have sex till after marriage…..How does that work?” Admittedly I’m a bit jealous of guys, again they can be freakin’ 32 and nobody’s bothering them about marriage.

Another attitude I hate a lot is this notion that your life doesn’t start till after married. “You bought a house?…You’re not married! ….You’re gonna adopt? Don’t you need a husband for that?” (If Angelina Jolie and Madonna can have a billion kids from Africa so can I) “You’re gonna study abroad? …What about marriage?”  “Only bad girls stay out late at night ….nobody will marry you if you have a bad reputation!” and don’t get me started on the retarded importance Muslims place on “reputation”.
Somebody recently remarked “I’m sick of all these songs where the man is singing about how great it is that women are taking care of themselves, it’s sad that men can’t take care of their women”. Since when is a woman providing for herself a bad thing? It reminds me of that Beyonce song “The shoes on my feet – I bought it, the house I live in – I bought it” damn straight! And where did men get the retarded notion (that I dare to say a majority Muslim men hold) that a woman who earns more than their man, who has more education than their spouse is a threat?

Recently I was reading a forum that was discussing this very topic and some guy said “If my wife was a doctor, I’d feel competition with her even if she was totally chill about it. I’d feel emasculated if she made more than me or even just as much as me.” That mentality just boggles my mind, why does manhood have to be defined by how much money you make? Yes the husband is supposed to be able to take care of his wife, but that does not mean that he has to make more than his wife. Manhood should not be defined by retarded things like how much money you make, but rather how well you treat people around you. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying rich husbands aren’t great, I’m just saying that for a man to be able to buy his girl a huge diamond ring, or a nice furnished house doesn’t prove you’re a man. All it proves is that you have money ( and maybe good taste), If your woman is able to buy you a Lamborghini or the Knicks doesn’t make her any less of woman or you any less of a man.

So in conclusion, society aka family, friends, random guy stalkers… need to shut up about marriage, love, sex, and weddings. If I wanna buy my own house – whats it to you? If I don’t want to get married – whats it to you? If I wanna adopt my own kids – whats it to you? If I wanna try every dessert in the world and gain 50 pounds I’m going to….and it’s gonna be fun and I will enjoy it.

(Go Adi! Guess she told you guys…:)  What do u think of her thoughts??)

If you would also like to write a guest blog on any contemporary topic, please let me know!