Road to Jannah

62 Responses to “Advice for Muslim Guys (aka how to not be a jerk)”

1. Ikram Hadi Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 12:25 am
   
   

   This is how a guy tested a girl’s Islam:

   The young man’s first question was, Who do you love the most in the world, someone who’s love nothing would ever overcome?
   She said; “This is an easy question; my mother. He smiled, and asked the second question; “You said that you read a lot of qur’an, could you tell me which surahs you know the meaning of?”

   Hearing this she went red and said; “I do not know the meaning of any yet, but I am hoping to soon insha’allah I’ve just been a bit busy”. The third question the young man asked was “I have been approached for my hand in marriage by girls that are a lot more prettier than you, why should I marry you?”

   Hearing this, the young girl was outraged, she stormed off to her parents with fury, and said I do not want to marry this man, he is insulting my beauty, and intelligence!”.
   Thus he decided not to marry her.

2. Ikram Hadi Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 12:27 am
   
   

   BTW, great advice! Thank you. These are really deep insights.

3. jannah Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 12:40 am
   
   

   That^ little blurb went around the web numerous times a year ago. I understand that whoever wrote it was trying to write a good message but the consensus among the sisters was that we found it pretentious and stupid. What exactly is the moral there? Every person should say their mother is the one they should love and respect above all others in this world. Rasulullah (saw) said your mother, your mother, your mother. I dunno about others but I would find it offensive if someone said “How many Surahs do you know?” is it a competition between me and the rishta? You can find out the person’s Islam level without being offensive and what does it mean “know the meanings of”? Are they asking if she’s read the translation? If she knows Arabic? The last question… that totally should go in my ‘jerk’s hall of fame’ statements lol. I can understand what they were trying to get at, but they are insulting the girl and being arrogant at the same time with that statement. Anyways jazaks for the comments.:)

4. Anam Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 1:07 am
   
   

   I’ve only read the first paragraph or so but let me tell you Jannah.. if I was a guy, you already woulda had me at that whole LeBron/Cavs/Orlando/Lakers shoutout (you really reached out to all audiences there) ;-D haha.

5. jannah Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 1:16 am
   
   

   LOL Anam I don’t follow basketball? at all. I just read the away messages that go up by the guys — usually extreme adulation or anguish!! wished they’d care that much about US !!!! haha

6. AbdulBasir Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 9:42 am
   
   

   The worldwide sisters network blackballing people! So *that* is why it took so long! Had to find a sister off the grid

   In regards to being superficial, it works both ways. These days many sisters are just as superficial and have poor adab. It’s not just a guy problem. May Allah rectify all of our hearts and character.

   Jazkallah for the insights. One of these days a guy should write something equivalent, but it would have to be anonymous

7. Shaari Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 10:50 am
   
   

   I think I’d sum up my advice for Muslim men as follows.

   1) Know what you want. If you truly have to have the 17 year old, five star cook who has never been out of sight of her mother, fine.
   2) Know WHY you want it. If your requirements are perfectly reasonable to you, but everyone else laughs when you tell them, perhaps you’re doing something wrong.
   3) Know what you’re doing. If you want to be a college student for ever, fine. Doctor, fine. Be clear on what your career goals are, because if you’re not, it will haunt you.
   4) Know how you want to have Allah in your life. If you plan to never pray, drink, and hook up with girls at clubs, fine, but be upfront about it. If you want someone who will go to mosque with you, has their own ideas about Islam, fine.
   5) Marriage isn’t perfect. It’s harder work than almost anything else. Be prepared to actually think about that, and what that means to/for you.

8. Nuruljannah Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
   
   

   Assalamualikum, as always I really like your writings witty,enlightening and delightful.Keep writing, w’slm

9. WCoastBaba Says:
   
   June 5th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
   
   

   Salam Sis J – That was brilliant, entertaining and very insightful. Those points seem to be universal among Sisters – in other words, the vibes are the same from what I’ve read elsewhere from Sisters on the topic. When I really think about it, these are all really “basic” things, but we tend to forget I think during the process; whether its our hormones or the “game” that seems it seems to turn into messes with the simpleness of the entire concept at its core (of course, it is a complex process, but the ideas behind it, both from a practical point of view and from the Islamic side, are simple I feel) it seems.
   It is certainly sad to read about stories where feelings are hurt, or where the guy is falsely leading the girl when, as you said, the parents are inevitably going to do most of the work before the guy chooses.
   I don’t know if this is a bad thing or not, but when you were talking about finding someone who matches you own standards and habits, I’ve always thought it would be nice to have a partner who was a better person than I was, and of course, a better Muslim, but I guess that’s not very realistic. At this part of the post I thought of an Ayah:

   “The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers.” [24:3]

   Sadly though, some truly good and pure individuals end up with someone who has fooled around, to put it lightly, but I’ve also read that we don’t have to share our past indiscretions. This topic could be for a whole ‘nother blog post.

   Anyways, that’s all I have time for at the moment, but hope to make some more comments later, but just a great overview of all the things we Bro’s need to take into consideration. I’ll definitely refer back to this in the future

10. jannah Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
    
    

    Abdulbasir YESSSSSSSS write something, anything on any topic I’ll publish it anonymous!!! and yes no doubt there are a lot of superficial girls (& their parents) unfortunately. Probably stemming from our lack of spiritual and islamic awareness.

    Shaari good advice but why is it OK for a 40 year old married guy with 5 kids to look for a 17 year old, just curious? I wonder if you have any more specific advice especially since you’re married. I tried to put in the don’t be cheap, spend time with your family, don’t be mean things mostly for married guys because those seem to be the main concerns from what I see.

    Nuruljannah you still didn’t join our forum!!

    Wcoastbaba write it bro!! wait, finish your exams…then write it

11. TJC Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
    
    

    As a mom of 4 who has been happily married for almost 11 years I think the biggest piece of advice I can give without writing a book is to say that all people go through phases in their lives where they’re not very nice people. None of us is perfect. Each partner in the relatonship is going to have their personal flaws. So when you’re looking for a spouse, remember that you’re not perfect either!

    And guys should remember that even if they consider themselves to be tremendously attractive, it doesn’t last for GUYS OR LADIES. Your wife is going to go through cycles of gaining and losing weight due to pregnancy and childbirth. Despite what all the health gurus say, much of it cannot be “fixed” and some of it cannot be fixed without costly plastic surgery anyway. (Excess skin, stretch marks, varicose veins and spider veins) And guess what, in both genders, the waistline tends to increase with age. Especially once the guys hit 40 or so. So you’re not going to be some attractive piece of meat all your life either!

    Finally, I want to say that being a REAL MAN means NOT coming home and sitting on the couch watching TV or playing video games. I get so mad every time I hear another friend tell me that her husband comes home, plants his butt (which is expanding, by the way!) on the couch and watches Al-Jazeera or sports or whatever and tells the wife “I’m the man of the house, I do what I want.” I wish I could ask these guys, how manly is it to be a couch potato on his butt? Seriously? Play with and teach your kids, mow the lawn, take out the trash, take your family places, memorize Qur’an, get a hobby like woodworking, just DO SOMETHING! Your wife cannot just stop taking care of the kids and the house and take a break and sleep on the couch and watch TV! Running a household full of kids (and for many women this now includes a job outside the home too!) is JUST AS MUCH WORK AS GOING TO A JOB OUTSIDE. BELIEVE IT. GET IT. So guys, keep in mind that having a FAMILY is a 24-hour a day job and go into marriage with that expectation. If you want to come home from work and have NO responsibilities, then don’t get married.

12. jannah Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
    
    

    Ouch sister!! true true… but I’ve worked 9 to 5 too and I know when I used to come home so tired I just want to eat something while plopped in comfy armchair and vegetate for awhile. I know mothers work tirelessly 24/7. Dunno somehow in there, there’s got to be some kind of compromise and solution for everyone involved.

13. TJC Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
    
    

    Sr. Jannah– People can rest and relax, but it should not be a daily expectation or at the very least the relaxation should be a short time (under 1 hour). Al-Hamdu li-laah my dh doesn’t do this, but I have many friends who complain that their husbands literally do NOTHING in the house. They work, they come home, and every other part of their life is the couch and the bed.

    As a mom, I can tell you that it is indeed a 24-hour job and when you have kids you learn that Allah gives you the ability to keep plugging on and moving ahead with the work at hand even when you feel like you don’t want to/can’t anymore. The kids will get hurt or destroy things or will simply disturb you too much for you to rest, so when resting is suddenly not an option, you are forced to find strength from somewhere. (Coffee helps too!)

14. Maverick Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
    
    

    salams to all

    Here are my thoughts on each of the points you wrote, plus one or two you might have missed:

    1.) What I always tell guys who are being picky is that there are so many fich in the ocean that they’ll always be able to find someone who is further along in each of the categories they are concerned with, than the previous girl. Beauty, brains, deen, personality, everything. Even if they find the perfect bombshell, I guarantee any man in writing, in stone, with my blood, that within one year, I can find you another woman completely outranking that bombshell in every single way possible. And give me another year and I’ll find another woman outranking THAT bombshell-killer. and so on. That third 10/10 woman is going to make your first bombshell look like a 6 outta 10. So just pick one and settle down! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, duh. [My sincere apologies for the fish and bird slang / puns, they were not intended.] And on the same point, its the exact same thing I tell to any guy who’s moping over some girl who rejected his proposal – I tell him that he’ll easily find another girl outranking that one.

    2.) About being superficial and whatnot, what i tell guys is this: Pick a girl for her deen yes, but make that the last factor on your list. Last, but most important, as in: the make-or-break factor. I advise guys to figure out what their standard of beauty and personality is, and go find a girl that fits that standard. Find out other things, like her family, education, blah blah blah. The last item on your list should be her level of Deen. Where is she at? Is she willing to learn and improve her deen, etc? If not, then leave her and move on. As opposed to some guys who go after XYZ girl because they think hear she’s so deeny but after marriage they find out she just aint cuttin it in the personality or looks dept., and they end up having marital discord. Dude, come on, you’re going to be waking up next to her face EVERY MORNING for a long long time.

    3.) Ditto. Few things are as bad as a man who has no real aim in life, no passion for something, no goal on the horizon. Even if you want to live a simple life, having a 9-to-5 job pushing paper and making $40k/yr for the rest of your life OKAY THAT’S FINE but make sure that’s what you want and stick to it, and make sure she knows that too before the wedding.

    4.) What I advise guys to do, and I do it myself, is if you are in situations where there will be substantial, ongoing interaction with Muslim women, whether at work, MSA, school, community, whatever, and you don’t want to give false hopes or wrong impressions to those women, then do the following:

    a) For God’s sakes, PUT A RING ON YOUR RIGHT-SIDE HAND. Go out and buy a guy’s ring. The cheap spinner rings available at ISNA or RIS that cost only 10 or 15 bucks work JUST FINE. No, it doesnt mean you’re engaged, in case anyone asks. Just smile politely and say you’re not savailable, and that you’re really not looking either because you’re sick and tired of all the aunties and uncles saying YA IBNY! OH BETA! I HAVE THE PERFECT GIRL FOR YOU!! [aunty, give it a rest, please]

    b) Don’t act dumb and clueless. Take notice if a particular girl is showing interest in you, and inevitably when the topic of discussion approaches marriage or rishtas or anything, DROP THE BIG FAT BOMB IN HER FACE: “Well, I’m really not looking to get married now. I’m happy being a free man, and I’ve told my parents not to bother looking around, either.” That way, at least she knows that you’re not interested and she can lower her expectations about you and look elsewhere. Dont be an idiot and play dumb and coy, letting her get all interested in you and thinking you’re a good prospect and that you might say yes if she gets a friend to ask you about her, only to have you say no and break her heart. You’re keeping your options open, but you’re setting decent expectations of those around you.

    5.) Ditto. Don’t change yourself for a girl. And further to J’s point – please dont give stock answers like you’re quoting straight out of Tafseer ibn Kathir. Its cheesy, fake, and you might think you’re putting on an impressive front, but all you’re doing is putting up a facade that may lead to trouble [when she finds out you're not really as Deeny as the front you were putting on]. First and foremeost remember Allah ta3ala when giving your answers and secondly just be yourself.

    6.) Ditto. Guys, learn how to hem your own clothes, and to sew small rips or tears in your clothes. Its not hard at all. Learn to iron your OWN clothes, particularly right after you’ve pulled them outta the wash. And learn to leave a place cleaner than you found it. Cleanliness such a major part of our deen [50%, innit?] so if you see a dish or two in the sink as you’re walking by, WASH THEM. If you’re doing wudu, then WIPE UP the counter after you’re done, completely. Living room floor dirty? BUST OUT the vacuum cleaner, instead of waiting for her to do it. If you want to temper that proud and arrogant stallion-of-a-nafs inside of you, then go scrub the toilet. Its humiliating, and its worth it. Just make sure you dont scream in her face afterwards about all these “favors” you do around the house, because dude … its your obligation to keep your own house clean in the first place.

    7.) Dude, on Judgement Day you’re not going to have a freaking second chance. You’ll be on your knees and bawling your eyes out, but you just aint getting sent back for another shot at this life. Your second chance starts now. Be a man of ethics and integrity. Like they say. “If you have integrity, then nothing else matters. And if you don’t have integrity, then nothing else matters.” [Alan K. Simpson]

    8.) Yes, but don’t be spendthrift either. Be generous with your family but dont go to the other extreme of biting off more than you can chew. In this day and age of easy plastic, a lot of people overspend and then you have to face the harsh reality of having to pare down your standard of living because you just can’t afford it anymore. Subprime mess anyone?

    9.) Guys should communicate very clearly to other stakeholders in their lives about what their plans are. Be it your parents, family, friends, etc. If you want to find a girl yourself, tell your parents very clearly. If you want them to do the looking for you, don’t do it yourself. Or you could sit down and have a discussion with them about what they would like in a daughter-in-law, what you would like in a wife, and then both parties go off in their merry way to search for a prospect. So if you find one first, they should be reasonably assured that she is someone they’ll be happy with and vice-versa if they find someone for you first.

    10.) When she asks “Honey, do I look fat in this?” the proper answer should be “Damn. You’re so fat you make the Goodyear blimp look anorexic in comparison.”

    OKAY OKAY CALM DOWN I’m joking.

    Actually, a lot of guys dont like skinny girls who are a bag of bones. We’re carnivores and we prefer some meat on them timbers. Whatever your preference is, be discreet about it. If you don’t look like Fabio, dont expect her to look like Miss Pax-Islamica herself. If you want her to burn some of it off, then partner up so that you both motivate each other – you work out and tone your body for her benefit and vice versa.

    —————————– EXTRA ————-

    Here are a few things I would add to that list:

    A.) Dress like a gentleman. Please. Wearing some Tommy or Rocawear might have been fine when you were a young babyfaced buck in highschool, but don’t be wearing that stuff past the age of 22 or so. If you’re going out, dress casual if you want sure, but make it classic, sharp and neat. Everyone has different styles and preferences, but my point is, make yourself look presentable. It cmes to my mind the incident where Omar [ra] asked a man why he was walking along hunched over, and the man said it was because he wanted to be “humble”. Omar corrected him saying a Muslim should stand up straight and be presentable, and that humility was in words and conduct. The same principle that Omar applied to that man’s physical posture, applies to the libaas and clothing you wear.

    And if you’re at home, take care about the casual-at-home clothing you’re wearing. Yeah sure a t-shirt and track pants are fine but if they have shorba stains or sweat puddles all over them, toss them in the laundry and pull out a clean pair. Just for your wife. In fact, do it out of principle even if no one is around. You should look nice and respectable even to the angels and to God, who blessed you with the comensurate amout of wealth so that you may dress clean and respectably.

    B.) When you do anything, go all the way and do it as best you can. Like nabeyuna Muhammad [saws] said: “When you do anything, do it with ihsaan [excellence].” Who cares if you’re not at the office, subject to the details-oriented, regulatory restrictions of Sarbanes-Oxley or HIPAA?

    C.) Lighten up. Seriously. The best of men are those who are best to their wives. Yeah she might get emo sometimes and say things she doesnt mean. Lighten up.

    D.) As J. alluded to already, but coming from a guy to reinforce it – most of the stuff out there about relationships coming from non-Muslim men, for other non-Muslim men regarding non-Muslim women … most of it is all insensitive BS, written with such men in mind like those who just want another notch on their belt, another score to carve onto the wall, another wartime story of lust and conquest to share at the watering hole. Screw that advice. Its not worth the paper its written on and we’re way better than that.

    allahumma aslih shabaab almuslimeen, ayyyymen.

15. jannah Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
    
    

    Thanks for the thorough feedback Maverick!!

    Good point about the ‘always looking for better’. I can see this with non-muslim men who go through serial wives, or older men who divorce their wives and marry young trophy wives. Kinda scary.

    I don’t really like the idea of picking a girl like u said ie beauty->family->education->personality->deen last because if u think of these as venn diagrams on all muslim girls if they’re looking for beauty first that’ll take out 50% of normal-looking good girls and then keep adding circles for all the other things then what you’ll have is this tiny intersection of 1 girl left! (perfect girl of course ;0) what happens to the rest of the girls outside the circles??

    That’s so funny about the ring thing, do guys really do that?? lol

    So true about the rest of the things you wrote. Jazaks with adding the new points.

    I was expecting a lot of the guys to argue and debate about the points brought up in this blog?? *Waiting for the guys who disagree. Don’t worry U can write anonymous here, no blackballing Just want to hear everyone’s viewpoint!

16. Maverick Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
    
    

    salams

    Just to reply to your concerns about guys looking for beauty and knocking out all normal girls – well, its definitely true that every guy has a different concept of beauty, and its not what mass media tries to dictate. Like I mentioned, a lot of guys like women who are slightly on the chunky side, and they abhor skinny girls because they dont want to be hugging a bag of bones. some guys really go for shorter girls because they’re put off by the taller ones, while others want a girl their height, like 5′9 or 5′10 or whatever.

    I’ve seen my friends find a girl attractive that I myself thought plain, and vice versa. Some guys like girls who are au naturale, like no make-up or anything. While of course other guys want varying amounts of cosmetic enhancements on her face to be attracted. For some guys, the overpowering attraction factor is her personality and humor; if she can finish his sentences and read his mind, the guy just wont care if she’s plain looking, SHE’S THE ONE HE WANTS. I could go on and on, my point is that the sisters shouldn’t worry and think “oh i’m plain, no one’s gonna pick me” because just as you all find diff. types of guys attractive, we all do too, lol.

    DO NOT use the media’s definitions of beauty as a yardstick to measure yourself. That’s one of the worst things you can do. Lack of self-confidence in a girl is a major turn-off too.

    Yes, about rings its very true. For three years straight, the absolute first thing I would do on the opening Friday of every RIS conference, is to go to the bazaar and buy that ring because hell no I aint walking around for three days with all these aunties and sisters there, and with no ring on my hand? heccckkk no. I know lots of Muslim guys who do it. It actually helps keep our mind off the opposite sex in some ways, because when you’re wearing that ring your mindset is really: that you’re just *** Not Available *** Those thoughts translate to words and actions. That means less banter and macking around [and thus less un-intentional misleading of women into thinking we're interested in them when we're really not.]

    [/blab]

17. Jeremy Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
    
    

    jannah,
    Following your advice No. 10, and just to show you that we guys are quick learners, I have to say that I think you wrote a wonderful blog, and I agree with every single point you raised. Are you saying somehow that I dont’t agree with points 1, 2, 4, 5, and 10? No, of course I agree, I think they look beautiful… (and I am now leaving the room)…

18. HiMY Says:
    
    June 5th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
    
    

    You had me at Biryani.

19. Mohamed Says:
    
    June 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
    
    

    Thank you! Sister Jannah i did like your advices for girls too.

    May Allah reward you

20. salman Says:
    
    June 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
    
    

    > On the point:
    “Sometimes they fell hard for ‘perfect girl’ and now can’t find anyone that matches up to her, cuz of course no one is perfect!…”

    ie: someone who can’t let go of what’s past.

    Shaykh Hamza Yusuf told one of the most wonderful story on love, unrequited love and shifa during the RIS Knowledge Retreat last winter in Toronto, Canada.

    It’s the story from the time of Rasulullah(saw) of a couple who were slaves – Bareerah & Mugheeth – and what happened when one was set free:
    http://kuhlsnotes.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/unrequited-love-and-shifa/

    > On the point:
    “Some brothers are “perpetual bachelors” meaning they end up turning down every girl for years and years. Why?…”

    ie: those lacking balance in their criteria and tawakkul.

    The point reminded me of a beautiful story that Imam Ghazali(Ra.) chooses as the last words of his Kitab kasr al-shahwatayn (Breaking the Two Desires, Book XXIII of Imam Ghazali’s Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din).

    Perhaps it was for a certain wisdom relating to balance in the struggle against ones desires/shahawah of the nafs. Read story:
    http://kuhlsnotes.wordpress.com/2009/06/05/i-killed-her-hope-for-me/

    > In the spirit of the hadith – “Any word of wisdom is the stray of the believer, who has the better right to it wherever it may be found.” – I’m brought back to the wise words of wisdom from a ‘Fresh Prince’ episode to drive home the point that the Sr. Jannah is trying to make.

    Will (Smith) happens to get to know Dee Dee (Queen Latifah) and they soon realize how much they have in common, but at the same time Will struggles with whom to ask to the dance:
    Pt3
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBLm6ajnrtU
    Pt1
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPv6mewg2YM&feature=related
    Pt2
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rw048B9Hg6A&feature=related

    [fyi - i counted 8 instances of the use of 'jerk' in the blog. Can someone say "Serenity Now!":
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Serenity_Now
    =)
    ]

21. Mariya Says:
    
    June 6th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
    
    

    Im a mother of two and been married for 6 years now (gosh i feel old!) and i know i wouldnt be happy if i hadnt married someone who wasnt good looking (in my eyes). beauty is in the eye of the beholder…so looking for the ”perfect” mate is different for everyone. To me my husband is ”perfect”. I also dont think we should settle for anything less if we arent attracted to the person because you’re gonna have to look at his/fer face every single morning wether you like it or not. And plus if you ever get into any arguments (which u will) it just makes it a tad bit easier if the face you’re looking to is not ugly.

    And then comes the rest…personality, deen etc. But that doesnt mean they arent important – i believe they are just as important as looks but i would not have married my husbad if he was of good character, ”deenin” yet i wasnt attracted to him.

    someone mentioned above that our bodies change as we grow older esp women when they give birth. I dont know if thats to imply why should we give beauty that much importance if its going to fade with time anyway….i dont think as years go by that we should stop taking care of ourseleves…exercise, healthy eating habbits etc should be an essential part of our lives so we can continue on to please our spouses.

    (just like to add again that beauty is in the eye of the beholder i dont think we can ever say so and so is not beautiful because to me she might be the most beautiful woman yet to someone else she may not be so)

    hope u al find someone u are pleased with. lol

22. jannah Says:
    
    June 6th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
    
    

    Maverick thanks for your clarification on the concept of “beauty” from a brother’s perspective… one thing to say for you u bro you stick to the principles you have, one of the best of which is intellectual honesty…i’m sure ur wife will appreciate that. i perhaps should have added that quality up there somewhere as extremely important and explain more what it means to be “honest”. it’s sadly lacking these days, and the reason for a lot of shadiness.

    Jeremy very funny bro.. i was almost like ‘awww he’s so nice…WHAAAA WAIT A MINUTE!!’ lol but for real i don’t mind if you disagree and i’ll give you a free ’say-anything-u-want-on-this-blog-no-points-deducted-on-ur file’ card. and after all no one knows who u really are and we’d really like to know how the male mind works (so we can destroy…uhhh i mean explain it…yes explain!):)

    Himy hilarious as usual, u had me at himy :p

    Mohamad jazaks

    Salman the story of Mugheeth’s love is also mentioned quite a bit by Sh. Birjas in the Fiqh of Love class. It truly is fascinating and interesting how the prophet (saw) acknowledged it and pointed it out to others as something of beauty and wonder. The story from Ghazali’s Breaking the Two Desires…soo deep I need more time to ponder over it. Ur definitely the last person I would ever take for quoting Fresh Prince, but as you say wisdom is wherever the mu’min finds it. LOL @ the episode great show…never knew Queen Latifah was on that show!

    Mariya not sure who u are, but are u sure ur not really a brother? J/K yeah what you wrote is what I’m trying to dispel from the minds of brothers. The point is that they WONT be waking up to that face for the rest of their life because that face is going to change. What is ugly/beautiful to them will also change in the future. So this emphasis on something that is temporal and changeable to make a lifetime decision that affects his future happiness, his family and his future children, is not rational. It does not help to improve a brothers life in this life or the akhirah, so they need to change their ideas about this. Yeah you should be attracted as I said before, but the emphasis on this looking for ‘perfection’ or ‘else i’ll never be happy’ is the problem.

23. Nuruljannah Says:
    
    June 7th, 2009 at 3:52 am
    
    

    Assalamualaikum,

    I did register but it states that I’m still in the waiting list for the admin’s approval.Did you receive the message?I’m using my pen name by the way, Annafisha. I couldn’t wait to join the group.

24. Hafiza Says:
    
    June 7th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
    
    

    Assalamualaikum

    MashaAllah, Jannah, enjoyable read

    It is quite interesting what Maverick said about prioritising looks when selecting a girl.

    A sheikh once said something similar. He said one should get to know she whose looks pleases you, and, if you find out later that her deen is unsatisfactory then, if you turn her away, then, it is due to a legit cause, rather than the other way round (ie deen first then looks etc). I think that is a cheap cop out.

    On the other hand, many sisters whom I know would agree to get to know a brother, eventhough they may not be attracted to his looks initially or as long as they are not repulsed by how he looks. Perchance, he has other qualities unseen by the physical eyes, but it is those qualities that would make him truly a gem.

    I have seen so many men and women, whose akhlaq supersedes their physical “flaws”. And really, in the worst of moods, in the worst of arguments and disagreements, would one rather be with a pretty head turning ugly, or a beautiful struggling heart?

    Allahu’alam

25. Jeremy Says:
    
    June 8th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
    
    

    ok Jannah, I’ll take your offer, I’ll walk right into the trap… knowingly! ahhh.. men never learn!
    - On point# 1. Stop liking ‘perfect girl’ and find someone real: Nobody’s perfect, that’s for sure. It’s just that guys look for certain things that make them attracted to a particular girl not another. Guys usually don’t know hat they want in a girl until they find this person, it like triggers a field of emotions inside of him (and should I say.. a smile of his face!). Once a guy has experienced this feeling, it’s hard to convince him to settle for less, and unless he can get the girl, he’ll look for another person that makes him feel the same. Settling for less means that he’ll spend the rest of his life thinking whether his decision was the right one… that is not a recipe for a happy life, and it is not fair for either party.
    On point#2. Stop being superficial: Guys may appear to be superficial, but for most guys, it doesn’t take more than a couple of minutes to know how they feel about a girl. Looks are certainly part of it. The combination of what we see and what we hear triggers a certain neurological response that is hard-wired in the brain. I believe our brains recognize certain features in the other person’s face. These features don’t change much with time, and even if they change slowly over time, our brains have the ability to adapt to that slow change so that the same neurons will still get stimulated triggering the same response.
    Do I have a proof on that? Absolutely not! (lol), but I don’t remember ever changing the first impression I had about a girl, whether positive or negative, and that’s for me is more compelling than a proof.
    On point# 4. Don’t use a girl for her companionship: I would have agreed if we were to get married early, but a single guy needs to maintain his sanity until Allah allows for him the right conditions to get married. Being single while seeing that everyone around is enjoying the company of “their loved ones” has a very harsh psychological effect on men, and in the absence of the option to get married for whatever reason, a guy is faced with two choices, either isolate himself from the society and end up in a mental institution, or have female friends (within the limits of regular social interaction of course). When “companionship” becomes a necessity, I think the rules should be a little different.
    On point# 5. Don’t change urself for a girl: I would argue the opposite, change yourself and adapt to what girls are looking for. If girls don’t like you, maybe the reason is you, search for what you’re doing wrong and change it. The trick however is to make a real change, not a fake one that will soon fade away and show the man behind the mask.
    Finally, on point# 10. Be sensitive, censor your words: It’s not that I don’t agree with this, it’s just that I don’t think it’s applicable. Men can lie, everybody knows that, except that we can’t keep it in forever, it has to come out at some point! Because of that, we prefer it to come out sooner than later, make the pain quick and easy and brush it away. Otherwise, it will keep circulating inside and torture the soul, until it finally comes out at the worst possible time during an argument, and I don’t think anybody wants that to happen. I would therefore suggest a close alternative approach, say the facts, but always sugar-coat them.

    Finally, I have to say that there is no guarantee that following my advices will actually get you the girl you want. On another thought, I’ve been following my advices for few years now, and it doesn’t seem to be working!! mmm…ok.. please disregard everything you just read and go back to following Jannah’s advices, she seems to know what she’s talking about…lol

26. TJC Says:
    
    June 8th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
    
    

    I have seen so many men and women, whose akhlaq supersedes their physical “flaws”. And really, in the worst of moods, in the worst of arguments and disagreements, would one rather be with a pretty head turning ugly, or a beautiful struggling heart?</i?

    Well said, Hafiza!

    I also want to point out that the companionship and understanding that comes after marriage also contributes to physical attraction. In other words, you spend some time with the person and come to love them and then they become the cutest thing on earth to you. My husband is not one most people would consider to be attractive, but to me he is the cutest thing in the world because I know his smile and the kindness of his eyes and the idiosyncracies of his facial expressions. Just food for thought.

27. jannah Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 12:19 am
    
    

    what u write bros is pretty depressing. most of the reactions to this blog from guys have been the same. so what ur saying is that looks is always the priority first. that u’ll always be attracted to that one type of girl within a few minutes of seeing her & u’ll never be able to forget her and u’ll always be looking for her & can never settle for anything less then that perfection. u’ll never go beyond a first impression. u’ll always look for female companionship without any regards to commitment. and that u can’t help urself and MUST be mean. ok great. so much for advice

28. BrKhalid Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 1:47 am
    
    

    Asalaamu Alaikum

    “Some scholars go so far as to say that if you’re not able to support a family, you’re not allowed to propose to someone!”

    I think there’s an element of wisdom in this.

    Why bother thinking about ‘what may be’ if you don’t have the means or the ability to carry it through. It does seem unfair on both the guy and the girl.

    Parents have a role to play here in setting expectations (especially for their sons) so that girls are not ‘strung along’

29. Shaari Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 2:31 am
    
    

    J, semo-quick clarification to my original post.

    I didn’t say it’s ok for a 40 year old guy with 5 kids to look for a 17 year old. I said, the man needs to know what he wants, and set his (and hers) expectations appropriately. IF he was, in fact, looking for a 17 year old, CLEARLY he’s not looking for a mother-figure for them, and has something else on his mind.
    But, if he’s able to find some 17 year old who wants that, then, at least they agree on what they want.
    It’s better that, than marrying another 40 year old with 3 children herself, and then realizing he never wanted that, and causing pain and suffering for everyone.

    Regards the comments by various brothers about looks and your somewhat (my perception) negative response to that.

    They’re giving you their upfront, honest, opinion. Be happy you engender enough respect to get those opinions, whether they make you happy or not.

    Honestly, I’ve found a variety of women attractive in my life, of varying body styles, backgrounds, etc. There have been women I’ve met where I thought they were very pretty, but that quickly faded as I got to know them. There has been the reverse, also, where a somewhat plain woman has become more attractive, the more I know them.

    However, when push comes to shove, most men will want to know that the face they look at each morning is one that is pleasing to them. Of course, they, too, should be pleasing to their wives.

    My wife has gained a fair amount of weight in the past year and a half, due to medication she has been on. She’s still the person that I love, but when she complains that a particular shirt doesn’t fit well, I do honestly say, “It’s because it’s too tight on you now.” Of course, she also hears the honesty when I tell her “I love you, thin or not.” Brutal honesty goes both ways.

30. jannah Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 4:03 am
    
    

    shaari ur probably the oldest friend that i’m still in touch with. (heck, you knew me pre-hijab days and that’s saying something! when i told the girls i didn’t always wear hijab one day they were in shock! lol)

    so tell me the truth what hope is there for average looking girls. i mean in the regular out there non-muslim/everyone dating scene things are a lot more open and i honestly think even though there is a superior emphasis on looks that people are more open about the variety because dating somehow gets guys to be more realistic. but the muslim marriage scene is so narrow and particular. i just see all these wonderful girls and they are totally passed over again and again. i’ve even said to younger brothers i know “‘what about ‘thissister’, what about ‘thissister’ why don’t you even consider her”, but they’re just so wrapped up in their ideals. and it’s not like these girls are not attractive! they are in their own way if only guys would look

31. salman Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
    
    

    The truth is that we are *made* to feel what we feel based on:
    who i am,
    what i am, and
    how i am…
    (which also affects how i perceive the who/what/how of the ‘other’ to be..)

    Like they say: ‘it takes one to know one..’

    It’s interesting how Rasulullah (saw) speaks of his love for Khadija (Rd.) when he said: “rizqtu hubbaha..”

    Shaykh Ninowy explains his words in a talk titled ‘Love Takes Time’, posted here with his (saw)’s du’aa of Hubb:
    http://kuhlsnotes.wordpress.com/

    [
    - the versions of the Bareerah & Mugheeth story that i found did not include the ending that Shaykh Hamza told, with hearts flipping the script...

    - the story at the end of Imam Ghazali's Ihya' could be confusing without the last footnote #10...

    - i believe Queen Latifah was guesting for that episode..

    - 'Fresh Prince' references? hum.. good thing i left out my dissertation on why LL Cool J titled his track 'Around the Way Girl', or what Jay-Z meant by 'Bonnie and Clyde'... ;x
    ]

32. Jeremy Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
    
    

    I knew I shouldn’t have written an answer. I mean, you had it right there in point #10! It just surprises me when women say that they are just looking for an honest man… who would believe that now?! hehe
    so now to try to recitify my previous post, here are some clarifications.
    regarding looks, I never said that all guys are looking for the same perfect girl, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Actually, most of the girls I personally find attractive don’t score that high on the beauty scale for most other guys. What I am saying is that a marriage in which the man doesn’t think that his wife is beautiful in his eyes is an unhealthy marriage, and is not fair for either side. No wonder the prophet (saw) ordered women to take care of their looks for their husbands (ohhh, we have such a beautiful and complete religion… alhamdulillah)
    as for the part where I am “mean”, I apologize if I offended anyone, but I also see posts here from women supporting this view, I personally think it’s more realistic, and inline with Islam as far as I can tell. But I’ll try to better polish my words in the future (again, back to point #10… I didn’t realize this point was so important!)

33. jannah Says:
    
    June 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
    
    

    No worries bros. Truthful discussion is well worth it. But I do have to say guys can say the same things in a different, positive way that is the truth but takes into account the other person’s feelings. I mean I’ve heard some things coming out of husband’s mouths and I just wince for their wives. Uncool.

    It’s just about the way you put it and communication skills. Like I’ll give you the perfect example.There’s a sister in the community who is SO GOOD at writing emails. There’s a very well known popular retreat up here that hundreds of people apply to. When we have to write back to reject someone I usually right back “Wsalaam, Sorry there is no more room at the retreat this year. We will place you on the waiting list.”

    She writes back:”Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah,

    InshaAllah you are all doing well. I just wanted to inform you all that you are on the waiting list for the retreat. The list of participants is quite full now, and inshaAllah we will be able to add a few more people. Please remember that we are trying our hardest to accomodate everyone and that we do not want to turn *anyone* away, and so we are working hard to allow everyone to stay bi ithnillah.

    Please let us know if any of you have changed your mind at all about coming or if you cannot make it for the entire retreat.

    Jazakum Allahu khairan
    wassalamu alaikum ”

    Even if I wrote more I could never get to that. Yeah she’s awesome…people write back with happy words and making Dua for us even though they were plainly rejected! It’s just language and how you say things.

34. Siham Says:
    
    June 10th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
    
    

    I agree its all how you deliever your message, which makes all the difference;)

    P.S. I happen to agree with Sr. Jannah & Br. Jeremy advice, so there is no problem insha`Allah!

35. WCoastBaba Says:
    
    June 13th, 2009 at 7:51 am
    
    

    Ok, after reading all the above comments – I’ve decided I’m not qualified to contribute to this topic or related ones. Uff, it’s all so complicated. I know I know, humans are complicated and thus, when two such creatures are trying to figure out if they should come together, its bound to be a complicated task. I just wish it could be simple somehow, but I guess that would go against our human nature, right? I’ve been privy to or had access to two shaadi’s during “the talks;” one somewhat intimately and the other, more of an observer (I was on the brides’ side both times) and it didn’t seem so bad, but those were relatively short “courtship” periods before things were finalized and I know being on the sidelines isn’t even close to being in the game itself; so, oh boy, when/if I’m one of the participants, yikes! I’m glad I’ve not entered “shaadi world” just yet; when I do though, Allah Help me! – Br. Anees
    PS I’m glad to see the discussion and the additional points that were subsequently added by Maverick and others. Together, they should be of great value I’m sure to us singles.

36. Maverick Says:
    
    June 13th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
    
    

    Jeremy

    I presume you were being sarcastic about honest men. There are still men in this world who are honest and ethical.

    If a guy doesn’t tell you about his past sins, that doesn’t mean he’s being dishonest. He’s simply following the advice of covering up our past indiscretions, that we should not expose our wrong-doings after God covered them up from the sight of others.

37. jannah Says:
    
    June 14th, 2009 at 3:36 am
    
    

    I opened up Men are from Mars…etc. the other day and started reading and then was like…..ugh why is everything so complicated when it comes to the opposite sex and I don’t even have a significant other!! And then I closed it and threw it across the room (well not really it kinda just slid off the table )

    Anywho, we do want honesty but with sensitivity. It just seems common sense and part of being a decent human being to be careful about how we go about doing things. Even in Dawah Allah tells us to use the “best words”. Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious. ” (Surrah 16: (An-Nahl) 125). Can we not do that much for our spouses?

    About past sins I’ve heard some scholars say it is fine to cover them if they don’t affect anything and not asked about them.

38. Taha Says:
    
    June 15th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
    
    

    i have been reading your blogs for quite a long time..I sent u a request to become a member of ur jannah website…but no reply yet ! …

39. Yaqub Says:
    
    June 17th, 2009 at 6:15 am
    
    

    Salaam, i was not born a muslim, but 1 thing for sure i neva thought that things like this realy happen, am also a jerk, every thing that has been said i have done it and am trully sorry, i thought i knew betta! to all the woman i have hurt pls find a place in your heart to forgive me inshallah. i hav great ladies who wants to be with me but am still rejecting them cause i compare with what i had before and she is just not available and my heart is just lonely and sad, i just dont know what to do
    !

40. sheyma Says:
    
    June 21st, 2009 at 9:52 pm
    
    

    i loved the article.. thanks alot for ur time in ur blog.. its pretty intresting and up to date with reality…
    u made very good points.. and most of them are pretty much true as i see it with most men around me..
    but dont mean to generalize, i know some pretty great man who get mistreated by girls..
    so i guess its a matter of character…
    may Allah protect us from causing others harm and bless us with a beautiful character:)

41. Kimo Says:
    
    June 23rd, 2009 at 1:40 am
    
    

    “…sweet and quiet and religious and pretty.”

    Assalamu aleikum–brother here, and I’m gonna be honest. That, right there, is perhaps the most concise and accurate description of the perfect girl for me–exactly what I’m looking for. Some guys like aggressive, loud…almost manly girls (which is great and all, but that’s not my cup of tea). Now, when I say the word “perfect,” I don’t mean it literally (as in, without flaws). Only Allah is perfect, and this is common knowledge. But given my idiosyncrasies, temperament, likes and dislikes, the girl that would best complement my personality is as described above: she would be the “perfect” girl for ME. And when I look for a potential life partner (in only a couple of years…whooo, I’m so excited!!), those qualities will be at the top of my list and I will do my best to find someone who genuinely possesses them. I think the key is to do your best in finding such a person who fits your criteria in a reasonable time span (use all possible resources, like parents, internet, friends or whatever) and rely on Allah for a good outcome. The result of this methodological approach will be, insha’Allah, the perfect girl for YOU. Makes love sound almost mechanical, but you gotta admit that taking a reasonable approach and putting your trust in Allah takes away all the anxiety surrounding this monumental and life changing decision of choosing a life partner. Less anxiety produces more reasonable decisions, which correlates with an increased chance for a successful and loving marriage.

    And for the record, I don’t think looking for a “…sweet and quiet and religious and pretty” girl is impossible or unrealistic. In my opinion, this is how girls should be in the first place, and if you want me to I can fish out a bunch of ahadith to support my views. But briefly: beautifying yourself for your husband is a virtue mentioned in hadith, and so is hayaa’ or shyness (and piety, needless to say). “Sweetness” is interchangeable with character, and that goes hand in hand with piety. A Muslim girl looking to get married should AT LEAST have all these characteristics. And beauty is OH so subjective. Personally, I find something like 8 out of the 10 girls I meet in my everyday life (who are around my age) to be more than sufficiently attractive. Ladies, Muslim guys who have never had a girlfriend before in their entire lives will probably find you a lot more attractive (especially if you take some time to beautify yourself, lose weight, or whatever) than their hairy, smelly guy friends. Seriously.

    And lastly, I just want to point out that this whole process produces ridiculous amounts of anxiety in some people. One of the secrets of this life is if you have faith in Allah, do your best to worship Him by doing righteous deeds (and yes, this even includes looking for a good spouse!), you can rely on Him for the best outcome. If you don’t find anyone, you remain patient and that is good for you, and if you do find someone then that’s great too! If you do your best to worship Allah in this way, you will derive your self-esteem not from how you measure up with other people (people usually compare their looks, wealth, skills, and other superficial qualities) but rather by how well you strove in the path of Allah. So if you do your best to beautify yourself and you STILL don’t look like Angelina Jolie, then so what! You did your best with what Allah gave you, and Allah is happy with you for doing that. That’s all that matters. This will produce confidence and a sense of tranquility in you, which will incidentally make you even more attractive and help you find a future spouse. The funny thing is if you stop chasing this world and instead chase the pleasure of Allah, you’ll find this world right at your feet.

42. jannah Says:
    
    June 23rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
    
    

    Kimo bro did you read anything I wrote up there? That is my point that’s what brothers think is “perfect”. The problem is most Muslim guys have had no interaction with women, so that’s what they see as perfection and it is a shallow view. It is shallow because there is a lot more going on with sisters. Let me just say NO ONE EXISTS LIKE THAT. Even if she genuinely possesses those 4 qualities, every sister has a million more qualities than that but guys only look at the facade and the ones that project those 4 qualities are the one’s they go for.

    I didn’t want to write this in the article but what most Muslim guys are looking for is a doormat. That’s what they want because of control issues. They think every other woman is “aggressive and man-like” as you said because they have a personality. They do things. They are people. They have a life, they have opinions. They talk. But the one’s that appear quiet and sweet are the one’s they secretly like and propose to. But girls are not like that, do you understand! Even “those type” of sisters have personalities and viewpoints and ideas. And they do talk.

    As I tried to explain pretty can mean anything, quiet can mean anything, religious can mean anything, sweet can mean anything. I don’t know how to explain this to you, but imagine if all Muslim girls in the world said “I think the perfect guy is a Muslim white George Clooney lookalike doctor with a beard”. And those are the only guys they are interested in. Those are the only guys they say yes to. That is what they think is a perfect Muslim husband. They reject every other guy and every other guy remains unmarried. (Maybe I should spread this message to the worldwide sisters network so you guys would finally know how it feels ) I can bring out Hadith too to support that those are good qualities. (A guy should be attractive to his wife, he should be able to support her etc etc) I too can say this is my and all the other sister’s “preference” so you should deal with it. What will y’all say then? You’ll say: Those qualities don’t necessarily make a good husband, you don’t know for sure. There are a lot of other good Muslim guys out there. Give everyone a chance.. blah blah…

    Instead, world wide sisters and I (like you) will say Why should I? Those are the best qualities in a husband and you other poor guys should try to live up to those “good Islamic qualities” and try to make yourselves like that. We’re not changing our minds. And hey if no girl wants to marry you just be patient and rely on Allah. Thanks and Bye.

    So does that make any sense?

43. Kimo Says:
    
    June 24th, 2009 at 5:40 am
    
    

    WARNING: Essay ahead.

    I did read your post, but it didn’t convince me. Nobody is JUST quiet, pretty, religious and sweet—that’s obviously not what I’m saying. Humans are way more complex than that. All I’m saying is that if you’re a girl I might be interested in, and you’re lacking one of these important qualities which I value, that’s already one huge strike against you. All the other million qualities you have don’t matter as much as the few I value the most: I couldn’t really care less if you prefer to eat your yogurt with a fork rather than a spoon.

    I compare this whole marriage thing to medical school admissions in the US: first you turn in your application, and if your GPA or MCAT score doesn’t make the cut-off threshold, it doesn’t get looked at because there are so many other qualified candidates. Straight to the “rejected” pile. The sad truth is that so much of the life of this world is competition, and this is confirmed in the Qur’an. If I find that a girl lacks some of the most important qualities I value, right off the bat I’m not going to be interested in her. For example, I’m not even considering non-Muslim girls, even though I am allowed to marry a Christian or Jew. And similarly, if a student has never taken the MCAT, why should that student even be considered for medical school admissions?

    If a girl does possess those qualities I value, like a medical school admissions person, I might grant her an “interview”…and hopefully she still thinks I mesh with her values and is willing to accept my interview invite. Then we get to know each other and not only can I assess those four “superficial” attributes but I can delve past them and understand her as a human being. This is when the BIG PICTURE comes into play…do we have the same likes, dislikes, hobbies, politics, whatever? At the end of this process, I’ll choose the girl I like the most. I understand your frustration at the process, but you have to be realistic: there’s definitely a game to be played here, and there are specific qualities one needs to possess in order to be considered by the opposite sex as a potential life partner. If medical schools “gave everyone a chance” and weren’t quick to weed out the subpar or incompatible candidates, 1) it would take too long to get to know each and every candidate, 2) the healthcare system would be in shambles due to the admission of incompetent students who slip through due to the lack of a systematic approach (the system is in place because it is effective).

    I’m not looking for someone who expresses these qualities I value in a superficial manner just so they can attract guys: I want a girl who keeps in good health and appearance, is kind and reserved, and lives her life all for the sake of Allah. And believe me, you can easily tell when someone is being genuine or not in these matters.

    I’m really trying to understand where you’re coming from, but I am a little perturbed that you think someone who values these “four attributes” is looking for a doormat. You are incorrect in generalizing that someone who is quiet or reserved automatically lacks a personality. You can be quiet and have a viewpoint, personality, and a life. I read somewhere that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was very reserved and only spoke when necessary. You don’t have to be loud and obnoxious to get your point across. Believe it or not, you can be both opinionated AND reserved in speech. I try to emulate Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in this regard and would prefer to live with someone who also upholds this virtue. Sure, you might have an opinion, but when you have a real annoying and unpalatable way of presenting it—that’s not very attractive. “And pursue the right course in your going about and lower your voice; surely the most hateful of voices is braying of the asses.” [Qur'an, 3:19]

    Back to the medical school analogy, most medical schools are simply looking for the mere presence of certain attributes (except for schools like Harvard or Yale, who care for only the absolute best). You need a good GPA, but you don’t need a perfect 4.0. Research experience is good, but you don’t need to have found a cure for cancer. Volunteer work is necessary, but you don’t have to be Mother Teresa. Personally, I have a soft spot for “plain” looking girls, and I don’t think my future wife has to look like a Hollywood supermodel. The bottom line is this: girls, if you’re not a good Muslim, if you don’t take care of your appearance, or if you’re loud and obnoxious…I’m sorry, there are plenty of other qualified candidates and you have not made the cut, at least for Kimo. Harsh, I know, but I’m picking the person I’m going to share the rest of my life with; this decision will play a huge role in my future happiness and I’m not going to compromise just for the sake of being “nice” or “fair.” Actually, I think my approach is very fair, and I don’t see it as being a jerk: I see it as being realistic.

    If most Muslim guys share the same thoughts as me about the “perfect” girl, then it would behoove you to think about why that is. For a true Muslim man, I assure you it’s not because he wants a doormat. Maybe the best Muslim men value these qualities in a woman because these qualities echo their own? Perhaps these attributes are what is most appealing to human nature? Or maybe these qualities are a sign of a pious woman, and Muslim men were advised by Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) to marry pious women. So then what is stopping Muslim women from cultivating these virtues in themselves, from taking care of their appearance and health, lowering their voices and acting lady-like? It might require some hard work, but it is definitely possible, and there are many girls out there who already have these virtues.

    If you want to be a doctor, you need to go to college, do well, take the MCAT and participate in extensive extracurricular and volunteer activities. Likewise, if you want to be married, there are certain virtues which you should cultivate so that you are a viable candidate. And if being a Muslim is how you identify yourself, cultivating these virtues for the sake of Allah should empower your sense of self rather than make you feel you are something you are not, or that you are simply putting on some “façade” so that guys would like you. And finally, if you do your best in this regard for the sake of Allah and just put your trust in Him and relax, more likely than not REAL Muslim men will pick up on that and VOILA, you’ll be changing diapers in no time. If not, then you DID YOUR BEST and this is Allah’s qadar for you…it’s sad but you can’t really argue with Allah’s decision. If you’re wheelchair bound, 300 pounds (unable to exercise), can’t overcome your negative outlook on life due to all that’s happened to you and are like a repellent to the opposite sex, what can you do? All you can do is patiently endure this hardship and Allah will reward you for it in one way or another, in this life or the next. That’s the reality. My motto is: do your best and rely on Allah for the rest.

44. jannah Says:
    
    June 24th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
    
    

    You’re comparing looking for a spouse to a medical school application? And that’s how you want to go about looking for a spouse? And you’re also defending using only 4 “superficial” qualities to judge someone, what I said every guy should NOT do for his own future health and happiness. And you don’t see this as “jerk behavior”? Yes you’re quite welcome to your methodology. But don’t go around bringing Islam into it. That is NOT the way the Prophet (s) found a spouse, NOR the way he exhorted men to find a spouse. This has nothing to do with me or any other sister. We do not have to live up to your jerk behavior or expectations. Despite your Darwinian theories, we’re fine being the good Muslimahs we are. If you don’t want to listen to advice and want to continue in your own beliefs, there’s not much else to say here.

    [You sound like a doctor-to-be. Don't take this personally but no doubt you'll find tons of girls with those 4 qualities wanting to marry you. Tons, lined up at your door. With exactly the things you're looking for. "Viable candidates" you can "grant interviews to" and maybe they'll "compete for you too" as "per Quran". I think you'll be happy too in getting what u deserve . See Darwin does work. Good luck ]

45. Kimo Says:
    
    June 25th, 2009 at 12:03 am
    
    

    Jannah–would you mind posting a link to an authority on how the Prophet (pbuh) exhorted men to find a spouse? Please enlighten me because I’m pretty stubborn with my views (probably not good husband material), but I try to keep an open mind. Admittedly, I have no experience looking for a spouse so I have a lot to learn…but I still see no contradiction between Islam and what I believe. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), in all likelihood, didn’t teach my approach for finding a spouse but I really don’t see how my approach goes against Islam. And it’s NOT about living up to me or any other “jerk’s” expectations about how a Muslimah should behave…the simple fact is that good Muslim guys look for certain behaviors not because they are jerks but because these behaviors are the signs of a good Muslimah. Again, being reserved is a virtue, and I posted a verse from the Qur’an that is very clear on that issue and leaves very little room to argue. One might want to change their behavior (become more reserved) in order to live up to Qur’anic virtues and please Allah (become a better Muslimah) instead of conforming to some “jerk expectation” just to please some guy, and that is to be commended. As a man, if that virtue is of vital importance to me in a spouse, then I am entitled to seek someone who displays it at least outwardly (and I will be the judge of whether or not she genuinely possesses this attribute once I actually get to know her), and it is beyond me why anyone would call me a jerk for doing so. If she doesn’t at least display a behavior I value “superficially” or outwardly, then it’s pretty safe to say that she doesn’t possess it at all and I won’t waste any time pursuing her. But anyway, I find when two people have such polarized views about a certain topic it doesn’t really help to keep arguing back and forth about it…so if you don’t mind, it would be really great if you could find me a link to the Prophet’s official stance on this subject…

    [You need to give Darwin a little more credit; I actually think his theory on evolution and the survival of the fittest fits very well with Islam, much moreso than any other religion. But I'm probably wrong about that too. ]

46. jannah Says:
    
    June 25th, 2009 at 3:00 am
    
    

    wsalam,

    this is a good article on the subject written by a brother http://www.jannah.org/sisters/wifee.html

47. Kimo Says:
    
    June 25th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
    
    

    Straight from the article you linked (emphasis added in caps):

    “To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, AND THAT THE FIRST ONE RELIES ON YOUR PERSONAL OBSERVATION. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should “lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments,” and also that they “should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments”[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (BY LOWERING HER VOICE WHEN AROUND MEN), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities.”

    Sounds a lot like my methodology. A lot. Don’t tell me the brother who wrote this article is a jerk too.

48. jannah Says:
    
    June 26th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
    
    

    Bro it’s amazing how you took that one sentence out of everything else that was written and claim it to be the way you’re going about things. It’s obvious that nothing anyone says will change your way of thinking. You and others will go about doing things the way you always planned to. But I hope some others will take the time to read the original blog and discussion and will think about things. Peace out.

49. Kimo Says:
    
    June 27th, 2009 at 3:02 am
    
    

    Sigh. I agree with everything that was said in that article, and I quoted that sentence to highlight that the author agrees with my most salient point. I debated with you on this issue in good faith, and even invited you to defer to an authority; ironically, the article you endorsed only strengthened my argument. I could say the same about your mode of thinking: no matter how many reasonable points I make and support, no matter how Qur’an verses or hadith I quote, and no matter how many references I make to articles that even you endorse, I will never be able to change your mind. You are most welcome to your views, but please understand that labeling anyone who doesn’t agree with them as “a jerk” is even more offensive and judgmental than someone exercising his right to be picky about who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. This will probably be my last post on this subject…so I just wanted to say that I debated this issue with you not out of stubbornness or pride but because this issue is of great importance to me and one of my most favorite ways of seeking knowledge is through an educated debate. I remain unconvinced. Thank you for replying to my posts, and peace out!

50. jannah Says:
    
    June 27th, 2009 at 4:02 am
    
    

    I’m surprised you think this exchange was a “debate”. I have no desire to debate anyone. I have no idea who you are or anything about you. I apologize if you think I was calling you a “jerk” I was not. I gave advice to brothers who I believe are going in the wrong direction for their own happiness. I do believe brothers are looking for the wrong “superficial” things in sisters.

    This is by experience having gone through the process with many younger brothers in this community. Many of them like a single sister who epitomizes a certain “image” and are just not open to any other suggestions. Regardless of how wonderful, interesting, religious or how many good qualities from Quran and Sunnah these other sisters have.

    They are looking for certain things which they *think* are the indicators of a good sister but cannot see beyond them. Having haya’ and modesty is one thing but what they look for is someone who is “quiet”. This does not equate haya’ in my mind but I’m sure it does to some. They are looking for “pretty” but do not see that other sisters in the community, while not having the same perfect image, are attractive as well. They are looking for “sweet” which when I asked was told that means “she doesn’t talk much and agrees with me”. And they are looking for “religious” but their definition of this is that she wears hijab and perhaps prays but nothing above or below this is acceptable.

    I do understand what you are saying and why you are saying it and why you think it’s right, backed up by your interpretation of Quran and Hadith. I am not talking about these qualities in themselves. I am only asking brothers to think about these indicators that they and every brother has in their mind and ask themselves if they actually correlate to a good sister and what would be a good compatible future wife and mother of their children. Ultimately, I wish them to think about and realize their ‘perfect image’ is flawed and look around them and evaluate every sister realistically on her own merits.

    In the end, if they don’t want to take that advice *shrug* it’s their life. I’m only a blog and the words of their older sister So there’s no need to “debate”, really I do understand most guys will not be convinced. They will still as one brother said in the last blog “be lined up around the block’ for ‘perfect girl’”. That’s fine. She has to marry someone too of course

51. Siham Says:
    
    July 1st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
    
    

    I think we have to understand that guys are superficial first and foremost, so there is nothing that can be done about it…but true beauty lies in having your inner beauty aligned with your outer beauty. And that’s something that is missing in our community.

    Furthermore, some characteristics come naturally to men than women; for instance my husband is more reserved than me… simply because he’s a man, so keep that into the consideration insha`Allah.

    Lasly, it’s not befitting for a woman to be quiet-boring; otherwise the whole house will be dead ‘boring’ lol

    On a serious note… its the wife’s responsibility to greet her husband with a smiling face and talk to him/open him up because men are in ‘general’ are not expressive.

    Unfortunately, too many men are no longer men, and too many women are no longer women…

52. Miena Says:
    
    September 25th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
    
    

    Slam to all my sisters and brothers. I would also like to add that these days a lot of both guys and girls(trying to be fair here)are beggining to act superficial or try too hard. For example they don’t have the confidence so they pretend to fit in to the crowd. So they make total fools of themselves, thinking that they are acting like popular cool people and everyone thats normal could notice it. So I just want to point that out that please don’t act like total loosers while trying to fit in. Be yourself. I know I have way more respect for a brother that has proper morals and ethics and who stays true to their deen, compared to the ones that dont.

    Just like to point that out. Allah keep you all happy Ameen

53. Humza Says:
    
    November 30th, 2009 at 2:21 am
    
    

    Salam,

    Very nice blog article, many men need to learn how to behave properly in society.

    Jazakallah

54. Ahmad Lateef Says:
    
    January 5th, 2010 at 10:58 am
    
    

    Your blog is different than most popular Muslim blogs. Your writing skills are excellent and well thought out. Your perspective is refreshing and does not make me feel uncomfortable. The replies to your post are also more mature and respectable. I wish other blogs could achieve what you have.

    I enjoyed reading this post, and as a single guy, I think I benefited.

55. jannah Says:
    
    January 5th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
    
    

    wsalaam,

    thanks for your comments. helps me get through the day

    ws

56. AlBaraa Says:
    
    January 5th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
    
    

    I can’t believe someone spent so much time to write all that. Most guys wont even read it. I know I didn’t.

57. jannah Says:
    
    January 5th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
    
    

    lol ur loss bro

58. Ali Ramadan Says:
    
    January 5th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
    
    

    AlBaraa is right, most guys won’t read it. But a few nice guys will read all of it!

    Loved the article!

    22/m/nj

59. jannah Says:
    
    January 25th, 2010 at 2:14 am
    
    

    Here’s the same message I was trying to give from a brother’s own voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAg3qgyUePw Jazaks to him.
    ws

60. saad Says:
    
    February 22nd, 2010 at 11:45 am
    
    

    what if a person like me finds it difficuilt to interact with girls.I mean i am straight but never had any relationship with girls.
    the comes this point #12) Girls like experienced man who already know how to attract girl from their super cars with ear throbbing sound of amplifier and also

61. jannah Says:
    
    February 22nd, 2010 at 4:50 pm
    
    

    saad you’ll notice that your ridiculous #12 never appears on any girl’s list. where did you come up with that?? what girl wants an “experienced” guy who attracts girls from their cars?? that sounds like how guys pick up prostitutes. uhhhhhhh no. everyone has difficulty interacting with the opposite gender but if you are respectful and have a good character yourself you should be fine.

62. marry contrary Says:
    
    March 9th, 2010 at 6:35 am
    
    

    Jannah,

    i know i should probably let this post die out for the sake of ….leaving the past behind- but i CAN’T.
    I’ve recently come out of a very strange marriage. It lasted a mere 6 months and left me quite- furious. when i wasnt scratching my head going- huh?
    My husband proposed to me the day after he came to see me. He agreed with all the things i said, added excited bits of his, looked deep in my eyes and told me that he was just waiting for the right woman to come along so he could do all the things i wanted to do- and he wanted to do, but never had the company for.
    this worried me- and i asked a friend about it. she said that many guys….seem like that, and wait for a partner to start doing things. so i thought that perhaps this was the case (but immediately after marriage- he stopped pretending to be vibrant or ambitious. he loved to spout on about the wonderful muslim guy he was who wanted to help everyone, but had a problem sharing his food with anyone for iftaar. see? basic application failure.)
    my ex had all the lovely islamic reasons. in fact, thats why i married him after considering his offer for a few weeks.(everyone assured me that in the Real Thing, guys propose quickly and its not right to dally…oh. and if i keep saying no, no one will send anyone else. after all, there were so many better looking, quieter, girls. not more personality, but come on. personality is a bonus.) because he spouted the whole ‘live my life according to shariah’ spiel. i did this despite feeling awkward and.. not comfortable. and i put it down to muslim modesty because i had never had a boyfriend or ever went out with someone. So everytime he gave me too little -i reasoned that a good muslim wife will appreciate what she gets. that she will understand.
    i understood when my husband never had time to even take me out for a coffee (cos he had responsibilities- a week after marriage.). i understood when he didnt want to spend money on frivolous prewedding presents- cos as he said, he was the one who was paying for it. i understood when he gave me a gift voucher for my birthday present- that his friends had given him as a wedding present. i understood when he wanted to spend all his time at his mother’s ‘working’- even on weekends. i understood when he refused to eat my food ‘because it was the wrong color’and would try to give it to the security guard. i understood when he said his life was so difficult that he couldnt promise to ever trust me.
    But i stopped understanding when he asked me if i was getting fat. And then said- sorry. i didnt see you. it was someone else. a fat girl with fat thighs. maybe even cellulite. it was really ugly. dont worry. it wasnt you.
    and im 44kgs. my bmi puts me in the ‘underweight leaning towards anorexia’ scale.
    every little insecurity i had was magnified and emphasised by him. I couldn’t keep pretending to be this ok muslim woman who would just take what she got and made sabr.
    Im a muslim professional. I have a degree that most guys would find intimidating. I stopped working when i got married because i thought id settle in slowly… i always just thought my career would be a back up plan.i ignored all the little warnings i got along the way, because i told myself it was arrogance on my part. That i would give everyone a chance, because you can never judge a book by its cover. Because i didnt want to be some unislamic person who was arrogant and who turned into a muslim professional who sneered at everyone else.

    so what im saying is- a lot of people do wicked things under the banner of islam. they say the meanest things, and then look at you and pull you on a religious guilt trip so you stop questioning because you dont want to weaken your iman. i had a lot of insults thrown my way, and i took it and shrugged because i thought- naa. im sure hes just naive. you know guys.
    yeah right.

    girls. heres an important message from someone who- has Stopped being a doormat.
    if you think someone is Not worth it, you dont have to defend yourself to anyone else.
    And if you have a degree or qualification that took a lot of years, sweat and effort to get- be proud of it. dont be self deprecatory and think its nothing. my mother always used to moan and say- i wish you did something else. youd get more proposals. plus youre in hijaab and the pious guys think youre wrong for going to a nonmuslim institute- no islamic unis my country- and the uni guys want smart glammed up dolls.
    it gave me…this complex that i was never good enough.that i had to dumb myself and never give myself any credit for anything. that i couldnt DEMAND goodness or quality for me.
    i took everything because i secretly believed that that was my place.

    Cos as a hijaabi on campus- one who is a normal tan complexion with chocolate brown eyes and features that- as fine as they are- will probably Never launch a thousand ships ;P- i was so used to being overlooked and ignored or sneered at… that i really bought into it.because everyone always pointed out that there was someone prettier and whiter who could easily take my place and i should be grateful that ppl even come to see me.
    WHAT UTTER HOGWASH.

    When my divorce occurred, i couldnt understand why Allah would do this to me. I always made such an attempt to- stay away from temptation.It was hard to put on my hijaab and not pretty myself up like the other girls. And i did it,joking to my friends- but really Believing it, saying- my husband will just appreciate it the more when i Do show myself. And when he didnt- i honestly… thought- this is it??
    THIS creature is my eternity!?

    Many other things happened. There was a lot of unhappiness. But I realise why perhaps this happened. To make me like myself more. to make me expect more and to not just take the rubbish that ppl offer with a smile.
    and i never would have realised just how nice(because i never did to him what he did to me.) and Amazing i am, if i didnt have a jerk who tried to minimised me at every level (oh my hidden treasure. only i see ur beauty. <— CODE for- you never will know anyone else who will like you)

    So for all those girls who have been treated badly and then feel bad for feeling bad- come on! hes playing a religious head game on you, sisters!

    IF YOU NEVER RAISE YOUR OWN SELF WORTH, NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU. And most importantly, for the other girls who will never be known for their complexions or their eyes- it means more to be nice and smile when you're always against the tide, than the girl who is liked without even having to breathe. So when we're nice- it means so much more.Because we dont have cause to be, yet we put on a smile and shrug our shoulders every day.
    we're nice knowing it will never be enough- and we do it EVERY DAY.

    so sister's- society might not give this to you- but you should give it to yourselves.
    WE DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
    And we shouldnt be afraid to ask for it. if a guy says- hah. go find better.

    well. go find better.
    i know you can.

    slms.
    (sorry for the essay. just wanted to get that off my chest!)