I also agree with what “marry contrary” wrote. If a guy pulls all that religious spiel during the proposal phase, please decline politely.

One thing I would advise for all the single ladies is to ask the suitor the following question *politely* in FRONT OF HIS MOTHER:

“Sometimes a man has to choose between his mother and his wife. When would you choose your mother, and when would you choose me? Tell me your reasons and rationales.”

And then watch his lips, his body language, his hands and eyes … all like a hawk, and watch his mother too. Don’t make it confrontational, like I said ask it politely and in a cordial tone, but it has to be done in front of his mother because behind his back he will sweet talk your little head into a really regrettable decision.

i know i should probably let this post die out for the sake of ….leaving the past behind- but i CAN’T.
I’ve recently come out of a very strange marriage. It lasted a mere 6 months and left me quite- furious. when i wasnt scratching my head going- huh?
My husband proposed to me the day after he came to see me. He agreed with all the things i said, added excited bits of his, looked deep in my eyes and told me that he was just waiting for the right woman to come along so he could do all the things i wanted to do- and he wanted to do, but never had the company for.
this worried me- and i asked a friend about it. she said that many guys….seem like that, and wait for a partner to start doing things. so i thought that perhaps this was the case (but immediately after marriage- he stopped pretending to be vibrant or ambitious. he loved to spout on about the wonderful muslim guy he was who wanted to help everyone, but had a problem sharing his food with anyone for iftaar. see? basic application failure.)
my ex had all the lovely islamic reasons. in fact, thats why i married him after considering his offer for a few weeks.(everyone assured me that in the Real Thing, guys propose quickly and its not right to dally…oh. and if i keep saying no, no one will send anyone else. after all, there were so many better looking, quieter, girls. not more personality, but come on. personality is a bonus.) because he spouted the whole ‘live my life according to shariah’ spiel. i did this despite feeling awkward and.. not comfortable. and i put it down to muslim modesty because i had never had a boyfriend or ever went out with someone. So everytime he gave me too little -i reasoned that a good muslim wife will appreciate what she gets. that she will understand.
i understood when my husband never had time to even take me out for a coffee (cos he had responsibilities- a week after marriage.). i understood when he didnt want to spend money on frivolous prewedding presents- cos as he said, he was the one who was paying for it. i understood when he gave me a gift voucher for my birthday present- that his friends had given him as a wedding present. i understood when he wanted to spend all his time at his mother’s ‘working’- even on weekends. i understood when he refused to eat my food ‘because it was the wrong color’and would try to give it to the security guard. i understood when he said his life was so difficult that he couldnt promise to ever trust me.
But i stopped understanding when he asked me if i was getting fat. And then said- sorry. i didnt see you. it was someone else. a fat girl with fat thighs. maybe even cellulite. it was really ugly. dont worry. it wasnt you.
and im 44kgs. my bmi puts me in the ‘underweight leaning towards anorexia’ scale.
every little insecurity i had was magnified and emphasised by him. I couldn’t keep pretending to be this ok muslim woman who would just take what she got and made sabr.
Im a muslim professional. I have a degree that most guys would find intimidating. I stopped working when i got married because i thought id settle in slowly… i always just thought my career would be a back up plan.i ignored all the little warnings i got along the way, because i told myself it was arrogance on my part. That i would give everyone a chance, because you can never judge a book by its cover. Because i didnt want to be some unislamic person who was arrogant and who turned into a muslim professional who sneered at everyone else.

so what im saying is- a lot of people do wicked things under the banner of islam. they say the meanest things, and then look at you and pull you on a religious guilt trip so you stop questioning because you dont want to weaken your iman. i had a lot of insults thrown my way, and i took it and shrugged because i thought- naa. im sure hes just naive. you know guys.
yeah right.

girls. heres an important message from someone who- has Stopped being a doormat.
if you think someone is Not worth it, you dont have to defend yourself to anyone else.
And if you have a degree or qualification that took a lot of years, sweat and effort to get- be proud of it. dont be self deprecatory and think its nothing. my mother always used to moan and say- i wish you did something else. youd get more proposals. plus youre in hijaab and the pious guys think youre wrong for going to a nonmuslim institute- no islamic unis my country- and the uni guys want smart glammed up dolls.
it gave me…this complex that i was never good enough.that i had to dumb myself and never give myself any credit for anything. that i couldnt DEMAND goodness or quality for me.
i took everything because i secretly believed that that was my place.

Cos as a hijaabi on campus- one who is a normal tan complexion with chocolate brown eyes and features that- as fine as they are- will probably Never launch a thousand ships ;P- i was so used to being overlooked and ignored or sneered at… that i really bought into it.because everyone always pointed out that there was someone prettier and whiter who could easily take my place and i should be grateful that ppl even come to see me.
WHAT UTTER HOGWASH.

When my divorce occurred, i couldnt understand why Allah would do this to me. I always made such an attempt to- stay away from temptation.It was hard to put on my hijaab and not pretty myself up like the other girls. And i did it,joking to my friends- but really Believing it, saying- my husband will just appreciate it the more when i Do show myself. And when he didnt- i honestly… thought- this is it??
THIS creature is my eternity!?

Many other things happened. There was a lot of unhappiness. But I realise why perhaps this happened. To make me like myself more. to make me expect more and to not just take the rubbish that ppl offer with a smile.
and i never would have realised just how nice(because i never did to him what he did to me.) and Amazing i am, if i didnt have a jerk who tried to minimised me at every level (oh my hidden treasure. only i see ur beauty. <— CODE for- you never will know anyone else who will like you)

So for all those girls who have been treated badly and then feel bad for feeling bad- come on! hes playing a religious head game on you, sisters!

IF YOU NEVER RAISE YOUR OWN SELF WORTH, NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU. And most importantly, for the other girls who will never be known for their complexions or their eyes- it means more to be nice and smile when you're always against the tide, than the girl who is liked without even having to breathe. So when we're nice- it means so much more.Because we dont have cause to be, yet we put on a smile and shrug our shoulders every day.
we're nice knowing it will never be enough- and we do it EVERY DAY.

so sister's- society might not give this to you- but you should give it to yourselves.
WE DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.
And we shouldnt be afraid to ask for it. if a guy says- hah. go find better.

well. go find better.
i know you can.

slms.
(sorry for the essay. just wanted to get that off my chest!)