Jun
12
Life, death, life, death. Time. Those words have been going around and around in my mind these last few weeks.
Sadly, my sister’s mother in law is dying. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor in Ramadan. Since then she’s had brain surgery, been through chemotherapy, radiation, developed so many complications like severe diabetes, jaundice, water in her lungs, a hole in her intestine. She’s been put on a ventilator to help with breathing and a feeding tube. Her condition has deteriorated rapidly over these last few months and this week. She has perhaps hours to live as I’m writing this.
When I was 18 years old one of my best friends in the world that I grew up with developed ovarian cancer completely out of nowhere. I called her Zue, her nickname. She died the next year. She was a beautiful Cambodian girl with long dark hair and big almond eyes. She wore Hijab since she was 10 and taught me how to wear eye liner. I slept over her house many times and ate strange spicy fish things. We would talk about boys, school, our dreams late into the night until one of us fell asleep. She came early and decorated my whole house for my 18th birthday party. I remember telling another Muslim girl, after, in the hallway of our college that didn’t know her. She hugged me fiercely and said, “Oh! Oh! She is at peace now. She is safe now.” I remember feeling unaccountably angry at those words. A few years ago, one afternoon I was driving around Troy randomly and I saw a yellow house. Her house. I stopped the car to look at it. I wanted to get out and walk around but I couldn’t. I don’t know where it was and haven’t been able to find it again.
My nephew was born about a month before my sister’s mother in law, Auntie Yasmine, was diagnosed. Auntie was so happy and came to visit right after the baby was born. She wanted to hold him but was afraid because her hand shook (sign of what was to come). She is holding him proudly in a picture at the Aqeeqah. Even when she was ill, one day she said to us “Watch out!” right before the baby fell. She had been keeping an eye on him more than us.
What can I ask Allah at this time? Why does he take innocent people away from us? People who have done no great wrongs in their life? That have more to live for than other people in the world who seem to continue living for nothing? I asked aplenty when I was 18. I didn’t understand. Through the remaining years I’ve come to accept, but have I really. I still don’t understand. Maybe we just aren’t meant to.
In about two weeks, two of my closest friends will be moving. It is a difficult loss because as you get older, you realize there are only a few people in the world that you have a close affinity to, a shared history, a real friendship. Let’s be honest, the rest just abandon you. Right now I get calls to ‘let’s go there’, ‘let’s do that’. We hang out, we advise each other, we share life together. Our ups and downs, our hopes, our disappointments. I want the best for them and they want the best for me. Most importantly, they believe in me, whoever I am. When they’re not here I’ll be alone. Truly alone for perhaps the first time in my life.
I almost hate time. It comes and takes people away. It changes things, makes us regret so much of the past. If only it didn’t exist and life was limitless.
I can’t change the past. I can’t even seem to change the future. I just live here along this thread of time going from life to death, life to death …life to death.
~
Update: A few hours after I wrote this and fell asleep Auntie Yasmine passed away and returned to her Lord. Please make dua for her and her family. Jazakamullahu khairan.
5 Responses to “Life, Death, Time”
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June 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Salam Dear Jannah – Inna ilahi wa inna lillah wa raji’un. May Allah (swt) give your dear Auntie Yasmine’s soul peace and rest and reward her for all the good she did in this life, and may all those whom she left behind may Allah (swt) Give them strength at this difficult time. For all of you that were close to her, may all the positive and wonderful memories and lessons that she taught you throughout her life make a lasting impact upon your lives, as well as others she touched in her life journey. AMEEN.
This was a beautiful entry Sis. When I saw the title, I was “aww, depressing title, not in the mood, etc’ but as I started, I realized that I could relate, as I’m sure many others on the board can also relate in some way or another, this feeling of things just coming and going; not trully understanding when we lose people, whether from this World or just in a physical sense, as you mention in regards to your friends.
I had only a short time to “assimilate” myself to my father’s illness when it was diagnosed and thus really had no time to reflect, but just be there as much as I could, do what little I could to help and just support him in what ever way a 19-year-old son could do in that situation.
Now though, the more I think or reflect on the fact of my father’s absence, its this emptiness that will last much longer than his illness did, which is the more challenging and puzzling thing and has truly been the biggest Exam of my life, which itself, as we all know, is a test in its own right, from Allah (swt).
So as far as the first situation goes, I can totally sympathize with you. Didn’t my father have so much to live for? He was still working full time, still had to see his son through college and professional school and enjoy seeing him settled and one day, by Allah’s Grace, playing with his grandkids, or as they had also thought of doing, going off with my mother somewhere in retirement to help treat people in other nations or some related project.
As I’m sure is true with Auntie Yasmine, she was probably “taken early” as we always like to say, that it was not yet her time to go, to return to her Lord. Yet, I think at some point, we must come to the realization, that it was, in fact, her time, or my father’s time to go back, whether we like it or not. Indeed, we may not understand it, the “why” of it, yet deep down somewhere I think we have to just look deep into ourselves and somehow come to peace with such an event, whether its death or friends moving away. I’m not saying I’ve figured it out yet; in fact, far from it. To this day, when I reflect, (when I’m not busy stressing about exams), I look at a picture of my father that I have here with me, from my high school graduation; who could have known that roughly a year later, he would be living his last months on this Earth? It still blows my mind as I write this – it’s truly puzzling, even now, 8 years later.
Despite these feelings, I do feel that I’ve become stronger from the experience and unfortunately, from losing other family members in an untimely fashion as well, that was even more painful than losing my own father. So as much as it pains us to lose someone, I think that we can improve our chances of “passing” this ultimate exam by taking away something positive from it and instead of it making us wilt or fade away in a sense, we can use it to grow, even just a little as we move along on our own journey back to our Lord.
Then insha’allah, soon we will be reunited with those dear ones that were taken away from us in this short and often times, mysterious life.
Again, May Allah’s Peace and Blessings always be upon Sr. Yasmine and her family.
-Br. Anees
June 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
- recently our hindu neighbour’s husband passed away. While my mother was comforting her, this neighbour shared the events in the passing away of her own mother many years ago in India.
She shared that her mother’s last words to her before passing away were:
“Don’t worry daughter, we are going back to Allah, and He will soon wake us up again…”
Some mourn the loss of loved ones, as a personal loss.
Let us mourn the loss of righteous ones, as a loss to our Ummah – which now has one less living ‘abida, beloved to Allah…
Ameen & Tahoor, inshaAllah
June 14th, 2009 at 3:25 am
Jazakumallah khair for sharing your experiences with me & for the duas.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’oon. May Allah have mercy upon her, forgiver her and enter her into the highest point of heaven. Ameen.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:40 am
INNA LLAHA MA AL MUTTAQEEN