Haya vs Getting married?

Posted on July 23rd, 2006 by jannah.
Categories: marriage stuff.

Salam,

so the other day sitting in the msa room this sister was saying that a sister of hers that is older is not married because she is very shy. and that their mother is really pushing her to change her ways, to be more outgoing, to talk to guys, to change the way she dresses (wear tighter clothes with hijab), so that she can get married. she was also saying that she knows of so many muslim girls who have gone out of their way to go after a guy and that’s the only reason why they are married now. i too know of so many sisters nowadays who are the aggressors of relationships. she said this one sister who was getting older remembered this one guy that she used to study with, so she tracked him down and moved to the same city he lived in and found a job near him and everything and now she’s married to him! now that sounds a little stalkerish.. but there are so many other stories i know of where the girl really gets aggressive. is this attractive to guys?
i don’t know maybe its true that girls have to be the aggressors if they want to get married it seems to have worked for them? but whatever happenned to having some haya’ or just plain self-respect?

8 comments.

ahsun

Comment on December 6th, 2006.

i can see that it’s tough with all the cultural traditions we might have and the fact that we might not know of that many people (especially post-college or if we live in the boonies). While I respect a muslim woman who tries to practice modesty, I have to admit that it is difficult to figure out if there is chemistry with a girl if she is unwilling to give you a glimpse of her personality. I think the middle ground is to maintain limited interactions with most men, but at the same time create a sense of openness, a simple smile will do, that shows that you are willing to talk in a casual manner if a suitable guy is looking.

jannah

Comment on December 6th, 2006.

so a smile means ur interested? i dunno i smile at a lot of ppl!! i think the solution is guys should just be the aggressors all the time…so if it works out great…and if it doesn’t guys take rejection better anyway ;)

Laboogie

Comment on December 30th, 2006.

well i would have to say it depends. it ALWAYS ‘depends’, it depends on the person, on the relationship they have and what not. So bascially you have to look at each situation and analyze it… I personally did not have time to wait for my husband to decide if he was interested or not.{so i asked and alhamdulillah it went well ;) } either you are or you not….and then you move on from there depending on the response, depends on the path one takes from there, but its a risk you take either way thats why you have trust in Allah ALWAYS…..my 2cents ;)

jannah

Comment on December 31st, 2006.

i dunno chica… i don’t think guys like it when the girl is too aggressive… i think it’s some kind of inherent thing, UNLESS he really liked her from the beginning. but then what if like ahsun said he’s sitting there waiting for some kind of sign?? maybe the trick is to be aggressive but pretend not to be ;) arghhh way too complicated…can’t ppl just be honest w/each other??

owism

Comment on January 2nd, 2007.

And the search continues

Zawaj.com

Comment on March 17th, 2008.

A woman came to the Prophet (pbuh) and offered herself to him for marriage. He declined, but he introduced her to a good man that he knew, and they married one another. The Prophet (pbuh) did not criticize her for any lack of haya. It’s not like she was seeking an affair or something improper. Marriage is a good thing! So how is it a lack of self-respect if you pursue it?

Also, sister, you say that men should always be the aggressor, but the problem with that is that you as a sister will be limited to choosing only from the men who approach you.

So, I’m not sure what is meant by “aggressive” anyway, but I think that both men and women should be willing to express their interest in someone in an honest and forthright manner.

jannah

Comment on March 19th, 2008.

Zawaj: my definition of aggressive is like those examples I mentioned. To MOVE to the guy’s town solely to pursue him doesn’t seem a little lacking in self-respect to you? Personally I don’t think any guy *likes* the woman to be the aggressor. The only time they tolerate it is when they absolutely already like the sister. Yes I know a number of sisters who approached brothers and they were very turned off by it. And yes it’s very sad when we have the example of Khadija [ra] and everything.

Zawaj.com

Comment on March 20th, 2008.

Well, yes, to move to his city just to pursue him is a bit nutty and could be seen as stalking. I would be turned off by that, definitely. But if it was just a matter of a sister asking about me and approaching me to talk, I would not be put off by that IF I felt that it was only me that she was approaching this way, not many men. In other words, she does not make a habit of this with men, but is moved to approach me in particular because she feels that I would be right for her. Then that would be flattering. - Wael

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