Road to Jannah

Recently I was talking to some of you younger girls (than me) individually about various topics like marriage, career, life, etc. and I realized:  YOU GUYS!!! You’re making the same mistakes my generation made!! Bad bad bad……. So that reminded me that ever since starting this blog I’ve wanted to write down some thoughts for you young’uns… you know who you are… a lot of you just graduated too in a nice little koinkydink!…. I mean the GIRLzz BTW… (boyzzz y’all can just stop right here and tune in next week for the next topic specifically for guys, because here I’ll be talking about things like periods, menstrual cycles, feminine hygiene products, etc!!)

…So Watchu Momma Never Told You….

On choosing a major:

Don’t look at the predictions for the ‘hot jobs’ or ‘best industries’. Back when I was choosing a major, IT was said to be the ‘wave of the future’ and indestructible, and of course look at the dot com bust and the current recession! Even if you want to be… say… a doctor (M.oney Doc not a P.oor H.ungry D.oc hehe) what if in the future the economy gets so bad, the middle class rises up and insists on universal health care and every doctor gets paid the same as teachers!! (SACRILEGE!!!) So there are tons of predictions and waves and whatever so you can’t really choose the best industries or what’s going to happen to the economy in the future, the important thing is to find something you’re really interested in and like.

When you start working you’re going to be working from 9am to 5pm almost every day of your life doing the same thing over and over again. It’s going to be your life! It’s important to find something you really like and love to do and could do all day every day! It would be good if you could go and follow someone who’s doing that job also before you decide. So volunteer at an office, hospital, work part-time in your industry. That way you can see how things are every day for that job and decide what you want to do! This might sound sexist but as women and later on in life you may wish to work part time or have something that’s more flexible. So being an architectural engineer (yeah I made that job up!) working in the field 7 days a work may be great now but how’s that going to work with your future family life? (iA) Think about these things. You never know what life will bring but at least you can try to be somewhat happy careerwise. I’ll add something here about encouraging you all to look into fields besides the usual engineering and medicine.  As a Muslim we should be making Islam a part of our daily life and wouldn’t it be great if our job was part of that, like in journalism or education or counseling or political science or the arts or social work. You can make a living doing other things!! Believe me, hating your job and waking up every day at 6am knowing you hate your job, your boss, your work etc etc really kills someone’s soul and Muslim spirit.

On thinking about marriage:

It’s a good idea to start looking for someone right after high school during your college years. YES I SAID IT. This is the time when there are the most single good Muslim people around that you can get to know personally in an active environment. After college it’s extremely hard to even MEET any other Muslims and you’re just so busy and all the good ppl get snapped up! So don’t sit back, and don’t wait. Make it a priority! You don’t have to get married right then, you can always wait and get engaged or get married later or whatever, but it’s definitely the best time to find someone or at least establish some good friend networks that are very helpful in the future. The #1 way people get married is through friends. (not counting arranged marriages)  Nowadays people are getting married much later and it’s normal for people to get married in their early 30s even but believe me when I say a lot of factors make it much, much harder. Especially for sisters. More on this later.

Soulmate idea:

Ok I know some of you girls are all into this “soulmate idea” and that it’ll “happen when it happens” so why should I do anything I’ll just sit here and look pretty and wait for it to happen. Uhhhhhhhhm. Ok. We should have Tawakkul and we do believe in Qadr and it will happen when it happens, but we have to tie our camel too. Take an interest at least.  When your parents give you “the talk” about marriage for the first time make sure you’re ready and tell them the 4 most important things you’re looking for. When someone mentions someone for marriage don’t refuse them outright. Take a chance and see if it’s something possible. If it ends up not to your liking, that’s fine and ok too.

Maybe we all watched too many Indian movies or something but what is wrong with marrying someone who is not your soulmate (if you believe in that concept) but still makes you happy. Does that not mean that other person is really your soulmate? So why are you focused on ONE, The ONE as some girls say.

On that ‘ideal spouse’:

So this is what happens every ‘generation’. There’s always that ONE girl, the pretty, cute, smart, religious, sweet one. (or so it appears to guys) and EVERY guy likes her. Why is that? Cuz’ guys are stupid. (I’ll get into this more in a later post… maybe one specifically for the guys so they can think about some things!! Hey girls are stupid too sometimes I’m equal opportunity here!) But it always happens without FAIL in every group. So this one girl gets hundreds… ok a handful plus more proposals and she ends up accepting the AWESOMEST guy. The guy who has everything… comes from a good family, is young, hafiz-like, yet still can tell a joke like azher usman, is msa president, has the perfect education/potential job setup and is gorgeous to boot. After the most beautiful, extravagant wedding of the season, within a year she’s living in a beautiful place and has the PERFECT LIFE. (or so it seems to us) So…….. what happens when that guy that hasn’t finished his degree shows up at your door? That guy who’s a little older? That guy who’s kinda fobby? That guy who’s in school but works at the pizza shop right now. That new convert guy? That guy that doesn’t really have a perfect 5-10-15 year plan.

We as girls just always have this ideal in our minds that we’re always looking for and… we’ll never find. Sometimes we think we’ve found it like when we observe ‘perfect guy’ or that one guy we’re infatuated with. But no one is ever perfect. Ask every girl that has gotten married, even before she gets married, she will tell you the same thing. Every girl who gets married has compromised in some way to marry that guy (except ‘perfect girl’ of course!) because people are not perfect! So my advice here is to take every guy as a separate entity and evaluate his strengths and weaknesses.  You can even take out a piece of paper and do it… advantages column/ disadvantages column. Do istikharah a lot too. You’ll find your answer, but the sooner you understand the difference between your “ideal” and “what you’re looking for” the better.

‘Talking’ with boys:

Let’s move on to the main thing I want to talk about – a very important topic:  the ‘talking with boys’. (Meaning not just ‘talking’, but hanging out with, flirting online and in person, having relationships with, etc.) Yeah remember when your Mom was like ‘no talking to boysss!’ and the Arabic Shaykh guy who got this anonymous question on a folded-like-origami-piece-of-ripped-out-notebook-paper at the Mosque answered ‘Haaaaaaaaaaaraaam’. Yeah and remember when you were like maaan they are so dumb and old fashioned and you continued to aim/facebook/twitter/text (whatever you guys do nowadays!) the guy.  Let me tell you something… do you think you guys invented talking to boys?? HAH!! We were doing it wayyy before you, when you were still like 12 or something! (BTW one time we tried to explain this to you girls at a mosque sleepover but I don’t think you guys understood and one of the older girls said to me “They’ll never listen. They’ll just make the same mistakes we did.” To which I quote Luke Skywalker-like, “NooOOOoooooooooooooo” We have to break the cycle somehow!)

Our Nature:

Anyway what I’m saying is that I know you guys do it, as we did, but there are some inherent things in this ‘talking to guys’ thing that is totally not beneficial for you, especially as a girl. First we have to understand that as human beings Allah put something inside us all that makes us have this inherent need for a spouse, for companionship with the opposite sex.  (not talking about sex here, companionship) So we are always looking for this, especially in our 20s. (See Maslows hierarchy of needs for any of u psych majors) As desis, arabs etc and how today’s world works makes us wait many many years before we are actually given this. So in the meantime this need is fulfilled in these ‘platonic’ friendships with guys. So what’s wrong with this you’d say…. I can’t tell you the countless countless needless heartbreak, drama, issues, friend problems, family problems that develop from this. Again this is going to sound sexist, but I really believe that Allah put something different in a woman’s heart. For us the more we get to know someone the more we develop feelings for them. Guys are more easily able to block their emotions. They can be ‘friends’ with a girl for years and never think anything of it.

Abdullah Adhami talked about this in his tape set where he said girls are very vulnerable because they are looking for this friendship and love and many guys are looking for fulfilling their need of companionship with a girl but are able to separate that from considering her for a serious relationship. I’m not saying these guys are using you, but I’m saying they do a lot of these things unconsciously like you do and while you can tell yourself ‘we’re just friends’ all you want and make up all these excuses like ‘it’s for the sake of finding out about marriage’ or ‘i can be friends without developing feelings’, I’m gonna call u a liar. Cause you have girl friends, what do you need him for? There’s something that keeps you talking to him.

So for us, our hearts are vulnerable just by it’s nature.  I know many girls who continued ‘talking’ ‘being’ with a guy for long periods of time, even years, even through engagement but in the end the guy changed his mind, or found someone else,  or in the end couldn’t convince his family or go against his family, or married his cousin. Where does that leave the girl?? With a broken heart. And I’m telling you I can tell you almost EVERY girl in my generation has gone through this. There really is a reason why Allah puts these boundaries here for us, it’s not to keep us from “physical contact or sex” but it’s there to protect our hearts which I’ll argue is the point of Islam in all it’s aspects.  Throughout the rishta process and even if people are engaged there are still rules and limits there. Allah is protecting us, but of course we never listen.

Talking and TALKING:

So I’m not saying never talk to a guy but you know the difference between ‘talking’ about business or msa or whatever and TALKING. I know you know the difference, but let me tell you the line there is as thin as a hair and a slippery slope, so easy to pass before you know it, so you have to be constantly on your guard. You should be clear about the reason why you’re talking to a guy. Is it unconsciously for the purposes of marriage? If so, why is it so shady, why doesn’t your family know about it? Why aren’t his, and your intentions clear? If these are all ambiguous, you’re in trouble. There’s no need to discuss your every day life with a guy for hours. There’s no need to talk to a guy late at night online or on the phone about this or that.  There’s no need to discuss what you’re looking for with him unless he’s a real rishta. There’s no need to text a guy. I mean why do it? A real guy who is interested in you will be above board about everything and take you and your family’s concerns to heart. He will be open about things and do things in a decent way. The guy you marry will NOT be shady about things. Do you really think the guy that writes “’sup u look hot n dat pic” on your facebook wall is a decent guy that’s going to marry you? [Furthermore, what exactly are girls advertising when they put up pinup pics of themselves that would do Playboy proud?] A real relationship will never be an ambiguous “does he like me? do i like him?” Pop quiz:  Do Muslim guys go against their families to marry someone other than what their families want? No they don’t. Some girls might, but guys never do. Do you know how many drama Indian movies have gone on in this and other communities over trying to change parent’s minds. Also another aspect of guys  (or girls) being stupid , if they think they can get something better they will. AND they will often keep girls in ‘reserve’ just in case something else doesn’t work out. AND they will often exploit a girl for her companionship, to not feel lonely and to feel good about themselves. (unconsciously of course)

An interesting thing a modern shaykh said way back in the early days:  He was talking to a girls only MYNA group and suggested that as an exercise girls should wear hijab while talking online to brothers. Now think about why he said that and how your interactions would be different if you did and why they’re different when you don’t.

I was going to tell story after story of heartbreak, pain, family drama and disillusionment here to prove my point of how these things come to bad ends, especially for girls, but I think the examples won’t matter unless you’re willing to listen. (And they might be too recognizable and some people would kill me!) Also, I feel that these things are some ugly past secrets of my generation and I don’t want to break that trust, but if you really need to be convinced because something’s going on right now, come to me in person and I guarantee you’ll be shocked by what you little ‘uns dont know. You might think it’s ok to have a shady relationship as long as you actually marry the guy. Well, I’ll posit that it’ll negatively affect you, your future marriage and your family. After all, more couples who live with each other before getting married get divorced than those who don’t. Ask yourself why.

Again, we have all gone through it before, you’re not doing anything new and good luck if you think your result is going to come out different.

I am the first person to say you cannot control who you fall in love with, but you can protect your heart, like I said above, until you find someone decent and deserving of it.

Anyway enough said, you’re probably in denial and will realize this all on ur own one day, but here’s hoping.

NEVER burn your bridges:

Never burn your bridges in anything…….  As people we like to feel we are progressing so when we leave that old job or that old school or old city, we want to just cut off all ties and move on. But see, having those ties are EXTREMELY helpful later in life. Need a place to stay or a guide when you go somewhere… no prob you have friends everywhere. Trying to expand your ‘potentials’ database…all those college friends will come through for you. Need a reference for a new job, need to look for a new job.. your old co-workers/boss are there to help. Don’t insult or abuse or break off ties with anyone on purpose even if you have reason. There is a reason why Allah makes such a heavy emphasis on never cutting off the family ties. It’s because you need them and they need you, the same as other people you meet throughout your life.  There is an extremely wise Hadith that says (paraphrasing) don’t ever love or hate someone with too much passion, because one day you might come to love the person you hated, or hate the person you loved. And seriously this happens in life. People who I absolutely hated when I was younger have ended up as close supporters, people who I really loved ended up hurting and disappointing me the most. As Muslims we should always learn from the Prophet’s (s) example and treat everyone with Ihsan. Leaving people with a good memory or impression of you, trying to get over grudges and rectifying things with people. These are Islamic concepts and in the end they also end up helping us in life.

Stop being ‘too nice’ :

Since I run my own website I’ve had my share of stalkers over the years. One day iA I’ll write a whole blog post that will make your hair stand on end. With the world becoming more and more online including social networking it’s just increased the amount of crazy guys, or maybe the easy access and being online made them crazy! Either way it’s so easy to become a victim. But you don’t need to be. If you’re not interested in someone tell them outright and be clear. Use your parents if you have to. It isn’t fair to you or to him to keep someone on a string like that because you’re too “nice to hurt someone’s feelings”.

There’s two kind of stalkers, the good ones… who just follow you around and try to keep talking to you in hopes of something, and the bad one that doesn’t really like you or was rebuffed and has a lot of animosity but does the same as the first. And incredibly enough stalkers can be of your own gender too! So besides taking preventive measures like never revealing your last name or knowing someone in person first before interacting too much with them or keeping everyone on limited profile, if someone does try to get too close, just cut them off. Seriously, it’s for their benefit as well as yours.

For the freaks, every email service, facebook whatever will have a way that you can block that person or report them. Use those and if you’re still having problems find someone who knows how those things work and can help you. Fight back, you may be helping some other sister down the line. Unfortunately some forums and other online things take harassment and stalking lightly, but others don’t, like mine — we have a zero tolerance policy. You don’t need to put up with it and you shouldn’t have to. Not just cuz stalking is the biggest precursor to crimes, but for Muslims girls they result in other wack things. And believe me, some stalkers will do everything they can to ruin your life, including stealing your data, making up lies about you and spreading it, ruining your relationships. Even for the ‘good’ ones, the guys need to learn that their behavior shouldn’t be tolerated from the beginning and they need to figure out how to interact normally with girls. I’ve seen some girls just be casual about it or let it go on like forever ‘cuz you’re too nice. But it’s not right for you or him so break it off as cleanly as possible. This goes for in person or online.

Don’t make decisions with ‘what if’:

Don’t live your life making each decision thinking ‘what if’. ‘What if’ could happen but ‘what if’ could not happen. So just take your time and do all those things you’ve always wanted to do in life. Travel, buy things, invest, climb mountains, whatever. I wish 10 years ago that I bought this new car. I was going to, but then I thought ‘What if I get married…I might need this or that’. (Yet I still coulda kept my car or sold it at a good price or whatever) A friend of mine recently said, ‘I wanted to travel overseas right after college but then my Mom was like you can travel after you get married! and I thought I should be responsible and stay home and work and socialize with people. But now I’m locked into my job and can’t leave and a friend of mine just met someone in a desert somewhere!’ Yeah so as girls we’re always trained to sacrifice our own selves for others, and now we’re sacrificing ourselves for “future what-if concepts” like marriage, family whatever!!

Haters:

I have a lot of haters.  It’s ok I’ve gotten over it. I learned a long, long time ago that if you’re going to do anything at all in life besides sit there and do nothing, someone is going to disagree with you, criticize you, be jealous of you or hate you for it. You’ll simply never be able to do anything in life without having someone not like you for it. Guys or girls. Heck, even some of these blog posts have caused some “friends” to “de-friend” me!! What can I say.. people are very insecure and there’s a lot of drama out there in the world. Ever read that bumper sticker “Well behaved women rarely make history”? Yes, it’s true. All these revolutionary ladies from non-Muslim and Muslim tradition have all had major detractors and haters. Don’t you remember as far back as the Prophet (s) where people didn’t like Aisha [ra] because of the ‘power’ she held over the Prophet(s). I even heard some sisters called an organizer of an Islamic event a sl*t. Jeeez Why???!!! There’s always naysayers, people who are jealous, or just plain people who disagree with what you’re doing. But don’t let that stop you. The way I look at it is if people are against what you’re doing or don’t like you, that means you’re actually doing something noteworthy, standing for a principle or trying to change and improve something. If you believe in something, keep going. And if you can smile at the haters all the better.

Shopping:

Ok finally the good stuff Here’s some tips (that I wish I could follow too). When you shop  try to buy nicer quality maybe more expensive items that are more classic. Nicer coats, shoes, clothes, jewelry, bags.  Buy only one at a time and build up a nice wardrobe. These last longer and look nicer. You can always have a few new trendy type things every season but there’s no point in buying all these trendy cute clothes every season and then by the next year they’re so out of date they sit in your closet or you’re throwing them out! The recession has made people really careful about buying stuff on sale, using coupons, keeping an eye out on stuff you like till the price goes down, going to outlet malls, comparison shopping online. Buying good quality out of season. Try to learn y’all!

Going out to restaurants. I don’t think you guys do this much but for my generation this is all we did! And it can seriously break the bank! Again try to go to the moderately priced type of places, patronizing Muslim places is always a good thing because you are supporting the families even if the food is not as good. For the more expensive restaurants try limiting your outings and here’s a tip:  share a meal cuz they’re usually huge anyway and don’t buy a fancy drink!! Drinks can cost upwards of $4.95 in certain places now! There’s nothing wrong with water and hey it helps your diet too

Clutter yes, why do we all have so much junk? Do your best to keep things light and give away things you aren’t using to people who could really use them.  Even things like useful books and CDs. As Muslims we know none of this stuff is going with us, so why hold on to it? There’s always those sentimental things we just need to keep, but do your best. It’s just healthier for you as a person. Do I need to mention exercise here? (Most girls are already weight obsessed.) Just try to exercise and eat well… you know all that good stuff

Anyways there’s hundreds of other money saving and life tips, like going to a library regularly instead of buying books all the time, spending time in Dhikr everyday. You don’t have to become an ascetic! Just live a moderate  Muslim life that’s a little spiritual and cut out things that are not necessary (and haram! lol) and trust me you’ll be a much happier person.

Periods, Menstrual cycles, Feminine hygiene products:

Ok I have no advice. They sux and we have to live with it, but always think of it as a mercy given to us from Allah. We don’t have to pray and we don’t have to fast woohoo! Hopefully I scared the guys off with the mention of it at the beginning though

Allright………. please comment… (let the denials begin)

Peace out

J.

P.S. – You can subscribe to this blog by clicking on that big flower up there^ or use your favorite reader!

[This is a very touchy subject so I apologize in advance if it offends anyone. I respect sisters who wear the Hijab and those who don't, as I've said so many times before:  Hint hint read past blogs! These are just my own thoughts on the subject. Please read all the way through.]

The first time I ever heard about a girl  taking off her Hijab was a sister who was active in a youth organization, let’s call it LYMCA, and worked on one of the MSA NE Conferences with me. She was from a different city and for some reason I asked someone to ask her to do something one day and then I heard, “Oh, didn’t you hear, she took off her Hijab!”  And I was like… “What are you talking about, stop listening to rumours!” And they said, “No it’s true I saw it myself, she was walking around without Hijab on campus.”  This was pretty shocking in itself back then, but then they went on to say that she’d just stopped having anything to do with MSA or LYMCA or interacting with Muslims at all. After that, I never heard anything about her again. To this day, I have no idea what happened to her.

I was rather sad at the time and disappointed that she never talked to anyone about any problems she was having and just vanished from the Muslim community over this.  Imo Hijab is not, and should never be, a lithmus test for “being Muslim”.  She was such a good person, good Muslim and Islamic worker and had done so many good things and she could have kept doing that.  But, back in those days they were still debating over whether or not non-Hijabbed sisters should be allowed in MSAs at all, so it’s not surprising that when she took off her Hijab she stopped having anything to do with the orgs and Muslims.

Fast forward to present day.

One of the (many) things I dislike about Facebook is that people’s actions, especially transgressions, are so transparent. Went out clubbing and drinking last night? Well there’ll be about 10 pictures of you tagged the next morning that the whole world can see. Got your arms around someone, wearing something a little scandalous, chit-chatting with someone a little too explicitly,  got a secret gf/bf, swearing up a storm? It’s all there for the world to see. There’s just something about how Facebook uncovers people’s little and big actions, good or bad. I think that in life pre-Facebook sure there were people that did various things but there was this natural cover of life and it would not be exposed to everyone far and wide like it is today. There’s also the whole “judging” and “making assumptions” thing that people do and “are they really transgressions” issues that become so  complex and ambiguous too.  Anyway, Facebook is a topic for another day.  I hope to to write a “1 thousand reasons why I dislike FB” blog one day and it’ll be easy to come up with the thousand for sure!

Today I thought I’d write about a trend I noticed solely due to Facebook. That is, sisters taking off their Hijab. This trend really concerns me and I’m just trying to understand it and how this has come about and if there’s something else going on here? Or if we’re doing something wrong as a community or friends? I wouldn’t be concerned if it was just one or two people, but I counted and it’s at least 12 that I personally know and all pretty much in the last couple years.

There are many different impetuses to sisters wearing the Hijab and I think there’s maybe a few main types. There are the one’s that have worn it since they were 13 years old, of their choice or family culture and they continue to wear it. There’s the type who have ‘gotten more into Islam’ somewhere along the way like as teenagers or college students. And then there’s the older adult person who starts wearing Hijab later in life for various reasons, like coming back from Hajj or after getting married or attending a Halaqah.

For those who take off Hijab I’ve noticed a few types as well. There’s the type that gets into something Islamic at some point in their life and due to very good motivation starts wearing Hijab. But it is short-lived because although they wear the Hijab, their old lifestyle remains the same, they have no support, and just can’t sustain it. They may have some Imaan self-esteem issues involved as well. These sisters might take off the Hijab within 0-6 months of wearing it.

But the type I’m now noticing on Facebook have been wearing Hijab ever since, and not just for cultural reasons. What makes a person take off their Hijab after years and years of believing in it and wearing it?

The first reason I can think of is that they could now be convinced that it’s not mandatory anymore. This “debate” was originally brought up not so recently in certain books by authors like Fatima Mernissi and certain “feminist” organizations and propagated ever since. So maybe they read things from these sources and did research on their own and came to this conclusion. But somehow I just don’t see this as a main reason.

The second reason would be the wearing down of the Imaan and feeling not strong enough to continue doing it and not wanting to be identified as a Muslim anymore. No doubt 9/11 did its damage to Muslims the world over and all the terrorism so-called Islam “experts” on CNN every day, story after story of Muslims linked to all manner of bad and evil: Shari’ah, Niqab, terrorism, suicide bombings, honor killings, Taliban, Bin laden, beheadings, kidnappings, slavery, abuse, polygamy etc etc, issue after issue that is constantly brought up in the media against Muslims, we have to defend and explain.  Sometimes we don’t even know the answers ourselves and are just overwhelmed and swept under.  It’s definitely a lot harder to wear the Hijab than it was 10 years ago. To be identifiably Muslim is to be a lightning rod for all these issues on Islam along with all the prejudice people have against it.

Third reason…I’ve noticed that a number of the sisters are older, single sisters. I’m sure it’s crossed their mind, as it has mine, that it would be a lot easier to socialize, meet people and get married without it. There are so many brothers, even ‘good’ brothers who don’t want to marry sisters with Hijab. Or even unconsciously find girls who don’t wear Hijab more attractive or more accepting, or it’s just easier for them to meet sisters who don’t wear it, because they think of sisters who wear Hijab as “pure nuns” and “above them”. Or they want to marry overseas, or much younger girls, or Aishwariya-lookalikes, or for whatever reasons. It’s just gotten very difficult for practicing sisters in the US to feel like they are attractive enough to get married and wearing Hijab makes it doubly difficult.

Fourth reason…Society… I won’t even get into the topics of television, advertising, consumerism, pervaisiveness of sexualization, objectifying women to sell things, unrealistic images of beauty in the media, etc etc.  Also, as time goes on and technologies change they place more and more importance on facade. Look at “Face”book itself, it’s become a culture of beautiful profile pictures. Myspace, SecondLife, whatever, it’s all about the image you project. And if society has gotten shallower, then all our self-esteem issues have gotten worse.  Why when sisters take off the Hijab do they replace their profile pictures with beautiful hair pictures? Why not replace it with a nature picture? It’s because there’s something linked there, maybe even unconsciously.

Fifth reason…The way we are teaching Hijab and modesty apparently is all wrong. It hasn’t been sinking in and the knowledge of the importance and requiredness of it in Islam isn’t taught. If sisters do wear Hijab and then take it off, it could be because they had a shallow understanding of it and don’t find it as important as other things. Conversely, they also might have been taught that they “have to wear it otherwise they’re going to Hell” instead of given positive knowledge and motivation on the subject.

Sixth reason… Their environment has changed. They’ve moved or gotten a different type of job, lifestyle or friends. Now they are the only one wearing Hijab and the peer pressure around them is such that it’s just easier to take it off. Maybe now that they’re older/married, they think they don’t need to wear it anymore. That they’re in an environment where subjective modesty is enough and they feel that Hijab isn’t needed any more to protect them.

Seventh reason… The importance Muslims put on “Muslim women’s dress” is as I mentioned before quite extreme. It truly “defines” her in many people’s eyes and puts her in a box. But all this emphasis just makes sisters feel like hypocrites. I wear Hijab…. but I have a hard time waking up for Fajr. Therefore I’m going to take off Hijab because I don’t want people to think I’m something that I’m not. I wear Hijab… but I want to go to this concert/movie/place/thing/wear fashionable things, so I don’t want to be a hypocrite, I’ll just take it off. While some may have thought that all this emphasis on dress was somehow inculcating automatically the concepts of modesty, Haya, good conduct, God-consciousness etc in women, yet it actually is doing the opposite. It’s making women emphasize dress, and by dress I mean dress alone, and none of those other things.

Eighth reason… I don’t know…I really just don’t know. I often want to talk to those sisters who have taken off the Hijab, but how do you bring it up when you’re not their best friend. How do you bring it up when you are their best friend? There’s such a swirl of guilt and judgment and God and religion and so many touchy sensitive personal life things going on in there. I know they wouldn’t believe me if I said it didn’t matter to me and that I wouldn’t judge, but a thousand others would judge and maybe have already made things worse for her, so what can I say?

BTW I think many of these reasons are myths/not logical/not true/shouldn’t stop a sister from wearing Hijab and I don’t have time now but one day would like to write about how they are all fallacies and should not stop any sister from doing something in the way of Allah.

Anyway I just thought I’d write about this issue to explore it a little and see what your thoughts were. Again, I have no judgment to make. I am sorry that sisters stopped wearing it, but in the end, you could be me and I could be you. I’m sure we have all stopped doing something we should be doing and vice versa. And certainly the emphasis on “Hijab” and “Muslim women’s dress” in Islam has been disproportionate against all our other problems .

Maybe discussing these reasons  will makes us aware of all the issues and hardships that go into a sister choosing to wear Hijab and what she struggles through just to keep wearing it.  I just noticed this happening more and more these days and thought we should discuss whatcould be behind it so that we could try to help maybe try to change the tideof at least one Facebook trend.

(I guarantee I’ll have at least one comment saying “Sister your (sic) telling sisters to take off the Hijab!! Haram you are Haram!!”  Helloooooo read the blog again, thank you, come again )

Yesterday we had a ‘fashion exchange party’ at Raz…elle’s house. Basically everyone who comes should bring 5 or more almost new items that have been washed and pressed to the party. We then set all these things up around the room on hangers. We had over 100 things! Cute long shirts, pants, skirts, pretty tops, little jackets, hijabs, jilbabs, whole desi lengha outfits, sweaters, purses of all sizes and colors, even some boots and shoes! Each had its own little area or section. It was definitely a boutique in there!

Those who came early got to ‘preview’ the items, trying stuff on, checking out what was available. Then once everyone was there, we put folded pieces of paper with numbers on them into a bowl that everyone had to pick from. Once everyone picked their number randomly, the #s were the order people could choose items. (We had 15 girls.) So #1 and #2 went up and chose the items they liked and tried them on, then #3 and #4, etc, and we kept going around from there 2 at a time till we came back to #1&2 again and kept going until we had no more items left or no one wanted anything anymore. (We were supposed to go around based upon the number of items we brought but that didn’t end up happening so I’d recommend having a required least number of items each person has to bring because it might not feel fair to others if someone brings 2 items and brings home 20)

Since most of the girls were size 0s it was hard to find things that fit me, but I ended up with a few nice items including a gorgeous beaded jilbab, a pink skirt, a desi lengha outfit, a purse, a teal sweater dress and a cute smallish top. There were a few other items I was lusting after but others got to them before me, or they didn’t fit But I think it ended up that every girl got at least 1 or 2 things they really wanted.

It was actually a really interesting exercise and a great way of getting new things to wear without spending money and being too materialistic about it. We all have tons of things in our closet that are practically new or even are new! but we never wear or don’t know what to do with. What better way than to give it away to your friends and maybe get something in return. I’d really recommend people try this in their communities.

After everyone was done choosing, we put together all the items that were left to give to a muslim and non-muslim charity. And then we ate some great food and desserts and drank soda and lemonade that Razzle prepared mostly and hung out talking. Somehow the topic ended up on what girls find attractive in a guy. (Don’t ask me how it got there I don’t know either!) We ended up going around each one of us answering, talking, discussing, eating and laughing hysterically until about 1am.

To be quite honest I was really suprised by the answers. Every one of us had a different idea of what we found attractive. Different personalities, like quiet, talkative, outgoing, introvert, passionate, charming, different characteristics, everything under the sun, everyone wanted something different. Even like small little physical things I never would have thought of, like long/short hair/fingernails/artistic fingers/jawlines/veins/sideburns and so on. Just weird… maybe that does mean there is someone out there for everyone??

This is an excerpt from a new book by Aisha Bewley called Muslim Women: A Biographical Dictionary that I thought was quite excellent and quite relevant.

As my gantsta G Imam Suhaib Webb says… yo women were not made to be biryani marathon makers and slave away in the kitchen, son! (rephrased by me from his MOB (Mothers of the Believers) audio set)

—————-

As regards the present, it is clear that there is a need to re-assess all our preconceptions and misconceptions about women’s role and realise that women are a vast resource for the Muslim community — in all spheres of action. After all, women comprise more than half of the community. If half the community is neglected, what will be the state of the community as a whole?

There is too great a tendency among many Muslims to relegate and restrict women’s roles to that of a mother and housewife, but as we can see from the historical record, this is a fairly modern convention. Indeed, housework is not part of the duties included in the marriage contract unless specified – at least in Maliki fiqh. A husband should appreciate the fact that the woman does the housework because it is the equivalent of a gift on her part. This is not to say that there have not been women who were only housewives, but certainly up until modern times there has been far more diversity among Muslim women than in other cultures, this being ensured by the fact that in Islam a woman is recognised and accepted as a distinct spiritual and legal entity. A woman controls her own wealth and does not automatically share it with her husband. Ultimately she – like her husband – is only answerable to Allah. Only ignorance limits the realisation of a person’s full potential, man or woman.

The problem with the modern stereotype is that it seems to force a necessary choice: either be a wife/mother or pursue a career. Doing both has always been an option, especially where there is an extended family including servants both male and female, in marked contrast to the single parent/nuclear family – limited, confined and enslaved by its own situation. Quite clearly Islam has always allowed women to expand their scope according to their needs, aspirations and ability. A Muslim woman may have a career or a wider social role, but is not forced to do so.

The education of women is crucial to the well-being of society. We know the oft-quoted saying, “Al-umm madrasa.” “The mother is a school.” If the mother is lacking in knowledge, what is the school going to be like? What are the children going to learn? If she is lacking in knowledge, then they will be lacking in knowledge. The importance of women’s education is self-evident.

Men are women are a mutual help and support. They should both appreciate and inspire one another. There has always been the possibility in the human situation of the truly collaborative couple – in contrast to the imprisoning daily drama of alternate chapters of war and peace.

We see, for instance, the example of the relationship of Fatima of Nishapur with Dhu’n-Nun al-Misri and Yazid al-Bistami, of Rab’a al-’Adiawiyya and al-Hasan al-Basri, and numerous other examples. They inspired one another to greater achievement and greater devotion to Allah. We find women learning from men and men learning from women throughout Muslim history.

Looking at the past, it is evident that we need to re-assess our view of women in general and Muslim women in particular. In fact Islam has always provided an incredibly flexible environment in which women may flourish and achieve their true potential, spiritually, economically, and, when necessary, politically. This is clearly an area which Western orientalists have either ignored or avoided and dismissed and which urgently requires re-examination, especially since it appears that many Muslims have accepted the Western assessment of women’s roles in Islam and then have defended and perpetuated it.

….

The history of the spread of Islam has always been like this: dynamic and positive. Although subject to decay and deterioration – as is everything and everyone in creation – Muslim communities have always repeatedly experienced new growth and re-vitalisation. This has always been the proof of the din of Islam. It inevitably transforms the lives of those who embody it and by this means knowledge and civlisation are established.

The negative stereotype of the role of Muslim women which is often trumpeted in the media stems from ignorance of the reality of the position of women in Islam and is coloured by cultural imperialism. How, for example, can a system of law which purports to guarantee freedom of belief and religion – and yet bans the wearing of hijab as an expression of that freedom – be regarded as enlightened or just?

Looking back to the time of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, women were extremely active in all areas of life and the Prophet did not discourage them. It is this quality and taste of Islam which permeated the lives of most of the women described in this book, in a manner which is far beyond mere verbal descriptoin – and it is this quality of Islam, sustained as it has been by direct transmission of the prophetic wisdom from its source, which sincere Muslims seek to establish and taste now – in their own life times.

Since Islam is a filter of culture, let us hope that some of this dynamism translates into our lives today – and that while the haram aspects of modern culture are dispensed with as the practice of Islam is established, so also its best aspects will be retained and enhanced, including a clear recognition of the true worth, potential and capacity of women – to be truly liberated worshippers of Allah.