Road to Jannah

From a fundraising event a few weeks ago. There’s one auntie who is always so hilarious:

One of the things that amuses me everyday is the stuff people type into google to get to this blog. They are often hilarious and often :O quite scary… So as it’s St. Patrick’s day today we’ll say sometimes these poor leprechauns get to the pot of gold and sometimes they are still tryin’ to find the end of the rainbow! … here are some that I found interesting, odd or decidedly entertaining: 

KEYWORDS — My Comments

what do you get in jannah — anything u want it’s jannah!!

attractive muscular quiet guy at work — wow let me know where u work!

WOMEN DUTIES TO HER HUSBAND IN MALIKI FIQH — haha very specific i feel like he’s going to put this in the marriage contract!

i always get mad at my mom because i have a temper problem islam — umm why add the islam there at the end?? and stop being mad!!

picking spouses in Jannah — awww

muslim girl first night — ummm maybe u need to take a health class or talk to ur married friends

im not muslim but like a muslim girl — lol

what do girls find attractive - this appears more than once… hey we’re happy to educate!

muslim girls – it’s nice that ur looking in google, probably the best place to look :/

meeting a muslim girl for potential marriage — oooo sounds interesting

Jilbab Hijab Muslim porn — WTH disgusting pervert what is that???

are you religious — looove it hope u read my whole blog on that subject.

as salaam alaykum poem – are they saying salam to a poem??

What muslim girls would like to talk about — about *you* of course *gigglez

i want one muslim girl — lol i love how he said one.

muslim women praying — yes we pray a lot.

fine muslims girls for marriage — das right he be lookin for dem fyyyneeee muslim girls

are half of all muslims women? — huh?

do we keep spouses in jannah — i get the feeling all these ppl in miserable marriages are wondering.

im looking for muslim girl for married — if she’s married already u have problems bud!

muslim death jannah children — this one scared me.

Mature Jannah — as opposed to an Immature Jannah

which person don’t go in jannat — good thing to search on i think

women’s souq damascus – there’s a women’s only souq in damascus??

jannah emphasis – i like ur emphasis

Duas for a woman trying to get married — awww thats nice, if u find some let me know too

“like black guys” — haha where someone’s exact words come back to bite them

a.r.rahman loves his wife — so sweettt

what should i do if this girl doesn’t me anymore and i love her in the muslim way — Uhhh u might need a psychologist for that, a muslim psychologist.

“rumi’+”saw grief drinking” — this is a great poem, kudos for remembering the main words.

impotent muslim guys for marriage — gahhhhhh i don’t want to know.

muslim women wearing niqab -  uhhh are they not gonna all look the same???

jannah under feet of husband — uhhh that’s MOTHERS!! MOTHERS

water lapping — nice soothing sound to put u to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

how can u marry a muslim girl — goooin’ to the mosque and gonna get ma-ma-rrriiiiieeeeed

Im done poems — ur done?

DOING GOOD IN QIRAN — ur not doing so good if you can’t spell QURAN!

muslim girls looking for a muslim husband — get in line sistah!

love jannah nude pics — you are disgusting

why do girls wanna be attractive — so we can attract losers like you

good things like qaran — almost as good as QURAN

unmarried man dying jannah – ouch sounds sad

humor die heretic — doesn’t sound funny to me?

jannah bad girl — there are no bad girls in jannah foo!!

girls are attractive — yes, yes we are thanks.

the robin and the rose arabic poem — so close… it’s a dove!

i’m done trying — i love this one!! i’m done too my friend!

wedding legal stuff — good to read up on this stuff eh

JUST JANNAH PICS — have yet to meet someone who was able to smuggle a camera out sorry

what does islam say about the women of jannah — a very nice search ma’shallah!

video about suicide bombers going to jannah — ??? how about the videos of them going to hell?

what staff a muslim women should do to be a good muslem — good search but the spelling could use some help

home made muslim porn — OMG are you serious!!! astaghfirullah!!!

what is jannah like —- awww so sweet a question

All Roads Lead To Makkah — i want to title my book this so don’t take it!!!

“the mother is a school” Poem — ooo nice poem but i’ve never heard of it

jannah matchmaking — i wonder if they have a bureau in jannah where they match ppl up?

Noor Ki Barish Mein Beeghta Sa Tar Aaya ♥ — lol i love how this person added the little heart symbol at the end

what you think jannah looks like — ooo a very good question

define Jannah — ‘garden’ ‘heaven’

just jannah pics — no jahannam pics ok

muslim “single parent” allowed — only multiple parents allowed

aunty barish ma — i don’t have an aunty named barish?

what is the physical thing in jannah? — what physical thing?

movie about people arranged that fall in love — awww that sounds like a good romantic comedy

Jannah is our real life — indeed. indeed.

jannah jeans — no wayyy!! i want to get those!

Love Story Because im Girl-Kiss film – huh?

islam referring to wife as your jannah — awww

islam, are hindi movies haram —  islam, what have u to say?

be with someone you love in jannah — yes you will be inshaAllah

charlie lost knuckles FATE — there totally should have been spoiler brackets around that

who wrote ‘arziyan’ song? A R RAHMAN — if you already knew why did u ask??

a.r.rahman is amazing,blogs — blogs, he sure is hehe

dreams of Jannah — ooo another good possible title for a book

Jannah is like — like…. so much awesomeness.

who was buhaira / who is buhaira — haha i like how he tried past and then present tense, he’s the monk guy!!

Where is Jannah — good question

jaja allahu jaja allahu — ??

secrets of jannah — oooo i want to know too

one day of jannah is how many human days — if jannah is forever…then one day is… forever eh…

sooo weird sooo very weird… thanks for googling y’all

If Allah Wills

Nasruddin was determined to be decisive and efficient. one day he told his wife he would plow his largest field on the far side of the river and be back for a big dinner. She urged him to say, “If Allah is willing.”

He told her whether Allah was willing or not, that was his plan. The frightened wife looked up to Allah and asked forgiveness.

Nasruddin loaded his wooden plow, hitched up the oxen to the wagon, climbed on his donkey, and set off.
But within the short span of a day the river flooded from a cloudburst and washed his donkey downstream, and one of the oxen broke a leg in the mud, leaving Nasruddin to hitch himself in its place to plow the field.
Having finished only half the field, at the sunset he set out for home exhausted and soaking wet. The river was still high so he had to wait until long past dark to cross over.

After midnight a very wet but much wiser Nasruddin knocked at his door. Who is there Asked his wife.

I think it is me, Nasruddin, he replied, if Allah is willing!

Convert to Islam
Mullah Nasruddin (who was born a Muslim) was walking down a street when he bumps into Umar Abdullah, a convert/revert to Islam.

“Salam-Alaikum brother Umar!” Mullah Nasruddin said excitedly.
“Alaikum-salam, brother!” replied Umar.
“I have this question I have been wanting to ask you for a LONG LONG time, and now, since you are here, may I ask it?”

“Go ahead, brother, you may.” replied Umar.

“When you became a Muslim, did you cry?”

“Indeed I did.” replied Umar.

“ME TOO! ME TOO!” exclaimed Mullah Nasruddin excitedly.

Quiet During Jummah

The Imam of a masjid, who was also a father of two young children, was about to enter the majid to give the Khutbah (Friday sermon). Before he entered he reminded them to be quiet – especially when he is giving his khutbah.

He then asked his children, “And why is it necessary to be quiet during Jummah?”

Little Ahmed jumped up and yelled, “Because people are all sleeping!”

Nasruddin and the bedouins

“When I was in the desert,” said Nasruddin one day, “I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run.”

“However did you do it?”

“Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me.”

Here’s some more modern one’s (that have good social commentary)…

Ship-wrecked

One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship saw smoke coming an uncharted island. When they came close they saw 3 makeshift huts. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, “I’m so glad you’re here! I’ve been ALONE on this island for more than five years!” The captain replied, “If you’re all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts.” The survivor said, “Oh. We’ll, I live in one, and go to the Masjid in another.” “What about the THIRD hut?” asked the captain. “I had a fight with the board, so I stopped going there.”

The Imam Resigning

An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!” The kind hearted Imam said “Now, now, sister, don’t carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me”.

“Yeah”, she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, “That’s what they said the last time too . . . ”

Which Sheikh do you follow?

A man was was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off and commit suicide. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. The man said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well … are you religious or atheist?” “Religious.” “Me too! Are you Muslim, Christian or Jewish?” “Muslim.” “Me too! Sunni or Shiite?” “Sunni.” “Me too! Hanafi, Hanbali, Shafi or Maliki?” “Hanafi.” “Wow! Me too! Do you follow Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani or Sheikh Kaza Kazah?” “Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani.” To which he said, “What?!! Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.

First Muslim President

Did you hear the one about the first Muslim desi president?

At the inauguration somebody told his mother, “You must be very proud of your son,” and she answered, “The president? He’s alright. But his brother’s a doctor!”

Saving a little girl

A man is walking in the Central Park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the life of the girl. A policeman who was watching the scene walked over and said, “You are a hero, tomorrow you can read about it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl.” The man says “But I am not a New Yorker!” “Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl’ the policeman answered. “But I am not an American!” says the man. “Oh, what are you then?” the policeman enquired. The man replied, “I am a Pakistani!” The policeman walked away and the next day all the newspapers reported: “Islamic extremist kills American dog”.

A Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah “Allah be praised” to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!” Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer” Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!” The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!.” The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.” The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!”

- If u talk to someone of the opposite sex at 4 am your life will inevitably follow along the lines of an Indian movie.

- Bebzi starts w/ a B because it’s bad for u.

- Pack only as much as u can carry.

- If u do something wrong Islamically u end up paying for it later.

- Rice cakes with chocolate chips actually taste good.

- Never be nice to freaks.

- Don’t think u’ll change ur friends/future spouse; they change u.

- Arabs don’t speak Arabic so don’t bother.

- Only organize a wedding if there’s a diamond ring in it for u.

- PBS actually has some messed up addictive television.

- The aunties in the community r not Allah, so don’t live ur life based upon what they think.

- When u hear a scary noise (esp if ur in a scary movie) don’t go look, send a guy!