Many Muslims in the world consistently blame the “West” for all their problems. No doubt, many of the problems in the Muslim world stem from decisions made in the West. i.e… the arbitrary creation of Israel, the blind unconditional support of Israel in its occupation and oppression of the Palestinian people, sanctions as political punishment regardless of innocent victims, aid as political reward regardless of ethics, the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the killing of hundreds of thousands of innocent Muslims throughout the world, the absolute hypocrisy of foreign policy and at times domestic policy… I mean this list is just endless

BUT sometimes we forget that the Muslim world is just as much to blame for the condition of Muslims all over the world as anyone else, if not more so. Unless we fix our own problems we will never be able to step forward and try to change our condition. Leaving these problems out there is also our weakness and they enable others to take advantage of and in the end, oppress us.

So, having lived in the Muslim world for a period of time and a lifetime in the West, these are some things that I see as the major problems or hurdles we need to change in the Muslim world first, before we blame others. I think we really need to look at ourselves objectively and realize the wrongs that go on among us, just as much as we like to analyze ‘the other’.

.

#1. Doing the world’s dirty work - Sending innocent people to Muslim countries TO GET TORTURED. Why should the world care that Muslims are being tortured in Guantanamo and Bagram when Muslim countries practice torture as a regular interrogation method? When America sends innocent Muslims TO Muslim countries to be tortured! It’s really quite disgusting. Torture is completely antithetical to the principles of Islam. There are just no words. (And still we like to blame the West for everything.)

#2. Racial inequalities - Let’s talk about the status of workers in Muslim countries, such as maids in Saudi or construction workers in the Emirates. These workers are abused freely, by individuals and by society. Underpaid, overworked, they live in hovels, are paid a pittance, have no rights or recourse if abused. They are never allowed to be citizens, they don’t have the same rights as their boss or the citizen down the street. They can’t even send their kids to the same school or go to the same hospital. I mean call America the devil all you want but at least they theoretically have some type of equality and rights for people who live and work in their country. We read stories after stories of abuse and first hand accounts, with very little reform or accountability. Yes, I know these people are poor and need to go to Muslim countries to work. But if the oppressed accept their oppression due to circumstance and we take advantage of it, what does that make us? (And ours is a Deen that always was the first to defend and help the oppressed and emphasized the equality of all peoples.)

#3. Corruption/Bribes - Corruption in Muslim countries is so rife. Why is a Muslim country always #1 or #2 on the list of most corrupt countries, I always have to ask? Corruption is so common that regular bribe amounts are listed in tourist guides. Want to get telephone services? Want to get out of an airport? Want to do anything? This isn’t like a tax or a tip, this is plain corruption. Want to cover up a crime? Want to commit a crime? It seems like Islam has become only form to people. Pray, fast, maybe go to Hajj and that’s it. But what about your character, your morals, your ethics. Cheating other people. Rampant nepotism. Covering up of inequalities and wrongful actions?

#4. Bureaucracy - This is tied to the one before. Have you ever tried to go to a Muslim country and get a visa? Before I left someone sent me a step by step list of how to establish an Iqama (residency visa) in a particular country. It was 6 handwritten pages and no joke, it listed how to go from this office to that office to that building and get this stamp from this person and so on and so on. It was all description because there are no addresses or official ways of doing anything! We are in such a hurry to modernize and be just like the West, why don’t we copy some good organization and efficiency skills eh. This probably goes back to another big problem in the Muslim world:  The rote learning and non-encouragement of any questioning, creativity or innovation in the Muslim world. Also related, where is the work ethic in Muslim countries? Besides “Inshaallah Bokra Mumkin”. Now I know for Muslims we have a different focus on life and it’s not to go to work everyday, make money and consume more Dunya. But somehow I just see this slowly being lost in Muslim countries. Where’s our pride and responsibility in working hard, building, inventing, improving, creating.

#5. Emotional Islam - We Muslims always get upset when we see something wrong or offensive to our religion. Such as… the Danish cartoons or the Salman Rushdie book (or a teddy bear named Muhammad?!) or whatever else. There’s a lot of evil in the world and there are a lot of people that hate Islam. But us becoming emotional or upset about such things does nothing. Nothing constructive or progressive comes from it. Imagine if every Muslim that was offended by the Danish cartoons went out and held one positive event about Islam in their town. Imagine if every Muslim that burned (or like me returned the book to the library thinking it was the dumbest book I ever read) a hateful book on Islam, instead talked to one person about the life of Prophet Muhammad (s). It’s so easy for us to hold protests, hold up signs and yell slogans, even easier to turn to violence. But why aren’t we doing the real work? Working on real Dawah, real programs, on our youth… in so many needed areas?

#6. Opression of women – No Islam does not oppress Muslim women, but Muslims sure do. Or should I say they let others do. How can honor killings be common in certain areas of the Muslim world? Killing innocent girls. Something so vile, that the Quran even asks why a person would do it. And tried and convicted they receive 2 years. Really? A 10 year old sold by her father and forced to marry an 80 year old. Really, that’s acceptable to us? Throwing acid on little girls going to school. Domestic violence against women. I mean there are no words.  We will never even take a step forward if we don’t eradicate these evils.

#7. Copying everything western – The Muslim world loves copying and imitating everything western. They love western clothes, western movies, western architecture, western music, western pop stars. What happened to our values? What happened to our own appreciation of our own beautiful things. Our beautiful clothes, music, people, architecture, rich cultural heritage. Chai, Rumi and Ghazals seem to be more appreciated in the West than anywhere else these days. Why can’t we have pride in and develop our own culture which is more in tune with our values? [And one thing that really bothers me...Why do rich Muslims frequent Parisian fashion houses when it is a crime to dress as a Muslim in France?] (Sigh, and again it’s the West that’s oppressing us.)

#8. Lack of superior media and propaganda – Yes please. We need some. The Muslim world really needs some good PR people. Not to mention journalists, authors, pundits, politically savvy leaders and so on. Why (,when we have right on our side you ask)? Because the Islam haters are much better at this than we are. They are able to turn an innocent victim into a terrorist in a heartbeat. They are able to justify things like racial profiling, torture and extraordinary rendition. They somehow make extreme Islam-haters into “experts on Islam and the Muslim world” on Fox News. Definitely a huge problem.

#9. No viable economic system - Islamic economics is beautiful. It’s fair. It’s sustainable. It has ethics and morals and has a built in system of checks and balances. It protects people from being exploited and it prevents people from doing the exploiting. And yet we aren’t using it. We are using a system of interest and usury that makes the poor poorer and the rich richer. A whole other subject is also how much money is being wasted on extreme luxuries instead of development in Muslim countries. The wealth of certain Muslims is phenomenal… how about spending a little to help other Muslims instead of that new car/clothes/billion dollar mansion. (Did you know that the only buyers of Parisian fashion houses are 1. the nouveau riche of Russia and 2. wealthy Arabs from the Gulf.)

#10. Nationalism and disunity – Can I just say… Algeria vs Egypt :p or let me say Egypt’s refusal to allow Gazans sanctuary. Everyone has pride in their country and background, but it is our faith that unites us all. Divided we are easily picked out by enemies. Divided we will always fall. History shows again and again that the way to attack Muslims is to cause division and disunity. We are then easily defeated.

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Yes, it’s painful to look at ourselves this way. How far we have come from practicing our Deen. If we could just practice the noble principles of Islam in all aspects of our life, socially, politically, economically, in character, in relations with others, how different we would be! And how different our world would be.

Have we forgotten the words of the Quran that say “Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in their hearts.” What’s in our hearts these days? Is it “hatred of the West”? Is it “love of the Dunya” or is it “love of Islam and our fellow Muslims”? Do we want for them what we want for ourselves?

In conclusion, I contend that if Muslims were to fix these problems and go back to practicing Islam in all realms, inner and outer, form and character, there is no power on earth that could defeat them in any aspect.

Thanks for reading.

The End.

Outtakes: lack of lines!, no dark chocolate, pizza made of ketchup?!, guys who yell ‘u beetiful’

Bismillah

Sr. Aminah Assilmi died today in a sudden car accident. Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi rajeoon. She was 65 and had been ill a few years ago but had been doing much better recently. She died instantly I read. SubhanAllah, indeed it is true we do not know when or how any of us will be called back Home. I heard the news this evening and my mind immediately flashed back to all my memories of her.

I was a teenager in a MYNA camp when I first heard her speak. She walked up mature and elegant, wearing a long skirt outfit and fully wrapped Hijab. A convert to Islam she always told us funny anecdotes and stories about being Muslim. She would then pause while we laughed and go on to give us the teaching point. When I was in MSA we invited her a few times to the Northeast to speak. Usually the topic was something like ‘Behind the Veil’ or ‘Myths of Women in Islam’. She always spoke well and was very equal to answering any obnoxious questions or debating any ‘feminists’ in the audience who felt they knew better. I never knew her to turn anyone away from speaking to her. She had the same quality of the Prophet (saw) where if she was speaking to you, you felt like you were her most prized best friend in the world. She always took the time out to talk to ‘us girls’ and remembered us whenever we met.

In years since MSA, I would see her less and less often at ISNAs and ICNAs and other events. She had been ill for a long time I believe and I’d seen her in a wheelchair for a number of years. About two years ago I received an email that asked for help for Sister Aminah. She had lost her home and income and needed help. She’d been living on campgrounds because she had nowhere else to go. I remember even posting this to others, and I really thought I had sent her some money to help. But I’ve since checked and in the hurry of everyday life I did not.

This past 4th of July ISNA I met Sister Aminah again and we reminsced a little and she talked about organizing a retreat for Muslim women. I told her a little about our retreat in upstate New York and she gave me her card. I asked if we could take a picture together and she happily smiled and put her arms around me wearing the biggest, pinkest sunhat I’d ever seen.

~~

In the 90s we were a generation that was raised in Islamic camps, conferences and university lecture halls. Our parents were Imam Siraj Wahaj, Sh. Hamza Yusuf, Imam Zaid Shakir, Jamal Badawi, Abdullah Idris, Ahmad Sakr, Sheema Khan, Haroon Sellars, Saffet Catovic, Abdullah Adhami, Aminah Assilimi… so many well known names that we heard from over and over again. Teaching us, inspiring us, motivating us. Trying so hard to give us an identity. Today, I can’t even remember all the long-forgotten names. But they made us the strong Muslims we are today. In fact, I can’t even imagine where we would be without them.

Yet when their time of need came and comes, we are not there for them. How many people received the email forward asking for help for Sister Aminah and did nothing (myself included). How many people have received the calls for help for Imam Siraj’s cancer treatment and have donated anything to help. We would be lost and astray without them, yet we are not willing to give back.

I’m reminded of another great man who died on the steps of a nursing home; alone and penniless. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, from whom millions of English speaking Muslims have benefited. Yet he too died alone with no help from the Muslim Community.

I was unable to help Sister Aminah in life, but I am determined to help her in death and also promise to help my ‘other parents’ when they are in need inshaAllah.

May Allah have mercy on sister Aminah, give Shifaa to her son and patience to her family. May Allah reward her for all her Dawah work for the benefit of the Ummah (she was truly a da’iah for Allah) and enter her into Jannah.

Ameen.

Dear ‘Muslim’ Terrorist,

A letter to a would-be terrorist.

What exactly did you think you’d be gaining? Like for real, did you think your name would be up in lights? Did you think people would think you’re the savior of the Muslim world or something? Did you think you were correcting all the injustices against Muslims in the world or even avenging them?

No you’re rather pathetic. First of all you did not think at all when you ‘concocted’ your stupid plan. Did you even bother to read about what Islam said about the issue? Yeah, don’t bother reading some lone crazy Fatwa someone like you with wack ideas and has no backing came up with. But did you even bother to ask a single real scholar of Islam? Like the hundreds and thousands of mainstream Islamic scholars out there. –Guess what they say– That killing innocent people is Haram. Wow didn’t get that bulletin did you. What’s that you say, the whole world is against Islam, so it’s ok to kill indiscriminately. Yeah so why don’t you just kill yourself then (somewhere alone). You know why. Yes, it’s because killing yourself is also Haram in Islam!! Life is sacred in Islam and belongs to God, not people! Yet you still dare to go against that and do it to others?!

Anyways I just don’t get it. These young “Muslim” guys had so much going for them. They could have done so much to change society and the world around them. To spread the real message of Islam and justice. Justice does not come from violence. It doesn’t. Justice comes from change. Change in thought and ideas. And you cannot get this change by violence. Especially stupid plans like blowing up planes and killing innocent people.

Really, what did those five boys from Virginia get for traveling to Pakistan to supposedly join up with some ‘Jihad camp’.  Did they save the Muslim world? They destroyed five families and an entire community. What did the Ft. Hood shooter get? Nothing except probable torture and execution. Did he make a point? Besides that Muslims can’t be trusted anywhere. No he did not. The 7th July English bombers? The Mumbai bombers? Zip except a whole lot more problems for the Muslims in their countries. What did the ‘underwear’ bomber get. Nothing except a humiliating nickname and the same as above. Even if he had been successful what would he get? Nothing except a lot of hate. From every Muslim in the United States and every non-Muslim. Thanks a lot buddy. Every amount of progress we had made since Obama came into office just went down the toilet. What point were you trying to make again? No one has heard it because we now have to stand in line two hours more for every flight undergoing invasive full body scans at every airport thanks to you! Now every innocent person from 13 Muslim countries will endure more hardship because of you. Now every single person in Yemen (an entire country! and not even your country!) will suffer because of you.

This kind of “Jihad” just does not work. It does not help our brothers and sisters dying every day in Iraq and Afghanistan and Palestine and everywhere else. It just doesn’t. A terrorist might think they are bringing the oppression over there to the forefront of people’s minds here. But it’s actually just making them feel more justified. The “threat’ is what made them go over there in the first place and you are just adding more proof to their argument. Did the “vengeance” you caused make them sit down and chat about making things better for Muslims? Or did it allow them to cause more oppression?

How did the 9/11 terrorists help Muslims? By killing 3,000 innocent lives (which BTW included some Muslims) and then by causing the killing of hundreds of thousands of lives in Iraq and Afghanistan and Gaza. Yes, all justified by 9/11. Who is to blame if your action causes great tragedy and injustice. They might carry it out but it is YOU who caused it by your stupid wrong actions. You must understand, this is not a level playing field. It may be unfair, but Muslim blood is cheap. And others’ suffering causes them to seek vengeance upon us tenfold. Terrorism as a strategy does not work. It will never bring about the justice we are looking for.

See it’s like that movie Umar Mukhtar… the colonizers were there all raping/killing and the Muslim army captures two as prisoners and one of the Muslim soldiers wants to just kill them. He raises his gun and Umar Mukhtar puts his hands over the rifle and pushes it down. “We do not kill prisoners” (an Islamic principle), he says. Well “*They* do it to *us*!” is the answer. Umar Mukhtar says, “They” are not our *teachers*!

Do you see? They are not our teachers. See we EXPECT retartedness from them. We expect wrong and evil and oppression. This is expected in the world. A lot of people do not like justice or fairness or the way of life that is Islam. That is how it is. But how can we become them? How can we compromise our Deen taught to us by our beloved Prophet (s) and our Holy Quran. Can you imagine if you said to Muhammad (s):  Yeah they’re killing us so I’m just going to go over there and blow up a mall/plane/business full of innocent people… men, women, children, xtian, muslim or jew… doesn’t matter… it probably won’t even help our cause and just makes things worse…but who cares… i might be doing it out of revenge or because i’m depressed or messed up psychologically but hey…_I’m doing it for you._  Does that make any sense to you? Can you imagine what he (s) would say.

That you’re an idiot. Yes. Even worse… you are a person that does not think. And Islam, above many things, is especially a religion for those who think. We are taught to think about our actions and reactions and responses. That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Actions = hereafter. Doing sins has a response, we’re accountable for it. The grave and dust is not the end of all things. “All this” means something. And one day we will see the truth of everything. So why didn’t you think? Why didn’t you think of the consequences? About whether or not you were actually helping Muslims? Why didn’t you think of better ways that can bring about change in this world? To show people what Islam is really about? To work on yourself first and become a better Muslim? To help the community around you and the larger Muslim community that is suffering… instead of making it suffer more? I mean can we not THINK as Muslims and come up with rational, real effective ways of helping Muslims overseas. Why can’t you do that instead of coming up with stupid irrational vigilante justice scenarios?

Some people sympathize with you because they think you had good intentions. ‘At least you are doing something to help the Muslim world.’ Wrong. Let’s talk about acceptability of an action in Islam. You need intention AND form. If your intention is good but your means are wrong then the action is invalid, not accepted and not rewardable. And if your means are wrong and cause more harm then that will reap only punishment. A terrorist who thinks he’s a martyr, is in the end just a terrorist.

I don’t even want to talk about what’s going on overseas. Killing Muslims left and right, blowing up Mosques, marketplaces, opposition leaders, a McDonalds in Karachi?? Really? Families eating at a McDonalds? I mean really? This is what you think will get you to Heaven? If a Muslim kills a Muslim one of them is not one. Who do you think God is going to choose: you or an old man who was praying in the Mosque? you or a little girl playing in the marketplace? Think!

Ok I’m done now. My anger is spent. It’s not even for myself. I expect this life not to be easy for a Muslim. We will have hardships and challenges and we will have to live through them and gain our resolve and fight for justice in *thinking* ways. And in the end we may have to wait for our justice in the Hereafter. But it just upsets me that you would damage the name of our beautiful Deen and the image of Muslims. Another crime in so many crimes, and yet you still think you’re in the right?

Sincerely, your friend and fellow Muslim (as long as you don’t turn into a terrorist),

Jannah

~~~~

P.S. – This is an excellent lecture from a scholar for you to watch called ‘Peace with the Environment’. Especially the question answered on terrorism at the end, watch from 4min.37s here and continue in the next part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AslHoWEPrlg#t=4m37s

In my short (some may say long) lifetime, I’ve been witness to and encountered many cases of domestic abuse and violence…among Muslims! Many sisters have emailed me and joined our forums over the years whose husbands have been verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive towards them. In real life also, from the time of MSA all the way up until now, there have been a number of cases. In fact, many of these “cases” are even well known on the d/l within the Muslim community. Some cases have resulted in divorce, some have not.


Allow me please to say, WTH!? What on earth gives these Muslim men the idea that any kind of abuse is OK? That it’s OK to call their wife names, to abuse her emotionally, dominate her, not care about her, ignore her wishes and contributions, not help her in anything and even to beat her. Where in our glorious history of our Prophet (saw) did he ever lay a hand on his wives? Where did he ever call them names, or abuse them in any way? Why do these men think it’s OK? A Deen where even a mighty Prophet moved his armies in order to save a tiny ant and her colony; where we are not even allowed to hurt an animal out of injustice! I just can’t understand it.


Those who take a verse or two out of the Quran and twist it in order to justify this type of behavior are even worse. (Specifically the daraba and qawwamuna verses) Where did the normative teachings of Islam go? All the other thousands of verses and Hadith and practice of the companions and righteous throughout the ages? These same people complain that non-Muslims take verses out of context and twist them to suit their needs. Are you not twisting the words of Allah, I mean WHERE WHERE does anything give you support that it’s OK to act like that. It is your twisted interpretation and no one elses.


We all know these men will be responsible in front of Allah. They know what they are doing and it feeds into their psychoses. But what about us? Why is this in any tiny, blind-eye even looking-the-other-way acceptable? Why is this not taught to our sons. In our weekend schools? In our Khutbahs? Do we really want to have families of abusers? Because this behavior is learned generationally. Won’t that be great, to have generations of wife-beating Muslim families!


I remember a long time ago telling someone about some Rishta questions people should ask and the person said ‘why are you doing so much research it’s not like your husband is going to beat you’. Well, duh. As if it never happens among Muslims. I know better. And now we all know better with well publicized cases like Asiya Zubair. For every Asiya there are hundreds more in the US and thousands across the Muslim world. This is unacceptable. We are Muslims and our deen is Islam. Let’s live up to it.

Links:

Muslim Men Against Domestic Violence

Peaceful Families Project: Advocating Against Domestic Violence Among Muslims

Update:JazakiAllahu khairan to Sr. Mahwish for collecting these.

Here is a list of some shelters/agencies working with Muslim women throughout the country.

Muslimaat Al-Nisaa
5115 Liberty Heights Ave,
Baltimore, MD 21207
Phone: 410-466-8686
info@mnisaa.org

Muslimat Al-Nisaa, originally organized in 1987, is a non-profit organization established to provide culturally sensitive health, education and social services to Muslim community women and children. In 2005, co-founders Asma Hanif and Dr Maryam Funches, recognized the need to add a shelter program to the original organizational objectives.

Apna Ghar
4753 N. Broadway Suite 502
Chicago, IL 60640
773-334-0173 phone
773-994-0963 fax
info@apnaghar.org
www.apnaghar.org

Apna Ghar is a domestic violence shelter serving primarily Asian women and children, and was the first Asian shelter of its kind in the Mid-Western United States. Apna Ghar takes its name from a Hindi-Urdu phrase meaning “Our Home”, and since January 1990 has served over 3800 domestic violence clients.

Asian/Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Resource Project
DVRP
P.O. Box 14268
Washington, DC 20044
(202) 364-4630 phone
info@dvrp.org
www.dvrp.org

We are a diverse group of volunteers and staff who are committed to ending domestic violence and its effects. We have expertise in a range of areas including education, law, and public health and we draw on the experiences and cultural backgrounds of our members of Asian/Pacific Islander descent.

Baitul Salaam – Atlanta
P.O. Box 11041
Atlanta, GA 30310
(404) 608-8649 haleem1@aol.com http://baitulsalaam.net

We are a non-profit organization consisting of a variety of individuals and businesses in the fight together to end spousal abuse worldwide. Our services include: Counseling and support services, Battered women’s shelter, Temporary financial assistance, Fundraising services, and Employment assistance

Hamdrad Center
355 Wood Dale Rd
Wood Dale, IL 60191
630-860-9122 24-hour Emergency Crisis Line
630-860-2290 phone
630-860-1918 fax

Hamdrad Center provides culturally tailored, multilingual services to domestic violence victims and abusers since 1993. A team of dedicated volunteers has made it possible to establish a fully licensed shelter and a 24 hour Crisis Hotline, and to provide individual and family counseling to families in need.

HOMS – Housing Outreach for Muslim Sisters
P.O. Box 152611
Arlington, TX 76015
1-877-335-4667
homsoutreach@hotmail.com
www.geocities.com/homs99/

H.O.M.S. is a facility designed for Muslim women and their children who are in need of temporary housing/shelter due to family or financial problems.

ISSA – Islamic Social Services Association of USA & Canada
4202 Roblin Blvd
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R3R 0E7
Canada
(204) 889-7451 phone
(204) 896-1694 fax
shahinasiddiqui@hotmail.com
sophiaali23@hotmail.com
www.issaservices.com

ISSA is a unique organization since it is not a social service provider, but rather is an organization that serves as a network for addressing the social service concerns Muslims have. ISSA aims to provide support to social service providers through education, training, services and advocacy.

ISTABA is a non-profit full time institute which offers various services to the community. ISTABA also offers the following:
Food Pantry
Food items are provided to needy Muslims and Non Muslims; Open Saturdays 11:00 am – 2:00 pm
Medical Clinic
Red Crescent Medical Clinic is open to Muslims and
Non Muslims and is free for the uninsured. Open Tuesday – Saturday 10:30 am – 5:30 pm
www.istaba.org/Services.htm

Muslim Community Center For Human Services
M. Basheer Ahmed, M.D.
Chairman MCC for Human Services
P.O. Box 152658
Arlington, TX 76015
mcc1999@hotmail.com
817-589-9165 phone
817-483-4699 fax

Muslim Community Center For Human Services offers the following services to the victims of domestic violence. 24-hour helpline 817-589-9165 ;Counseling service for couples ;and/or individuals ;Computer training program for victims of domestic violence ;Arrangements with local shelters if needed ;Educational programs for prevention of domestic violence ;Educational material is also provided

Muslim Women’s Help Network
87-91 144th Street
Jamaica, NY 11435
Tel.: (718) 523-5100
Fax: (718) 658-3434
mwhn@muslimsonline.com

The mission of the Muslim Women’s Help Network is to promote family life in accordance with the Qur’an and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (saw), emphasizing the protection and maintenance of women and children as the foundation for a productive community life.

Muslim Women’s Network
PO Box 14023
Columbus, OH 43214
614-470-2848
mwn839@hotmail.com

The Muslim Women’s Network exists to, insha Allah, provide Islamically-trained workers to build stronger families by: Providing counseling and/or mediation services to the community; Introducing and re-connecting women to their community; Helping women to help themselves; Being a catalyst for social change. In the Muslim Women’s Network & Community Services we hope, insha Allah, to support sisters in many ways but to focus our services toward the following core groups: widows, the displaced, the disenfranchised and the abused of our community.

Narika
P.O. Box 14014
Berkeley, CA 94712
510-540-0754 Office
1-800-215-7308 Helpline
Info@narika.org
www.narika.org

Narika was founded in 1992 to address the problem of domestic violence in the South Asian community. Embracing the notion of women’s empowerment, Narika set out to address the unmet needs of abused South Asian women by providing advocacy, support, information, and referrals within a culturally sensitive model. We serve women who trace their origins to Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Nepal, Pakistan,
Sri Lanka and diasporic communities such as Fiji and the Caribbean.

Niswa
P.O. Box 1403
Alomita, CA 93717
310-782-2482

Here are some additional links:
http://www.karamah.org/domestic_violence.htm (Washington DC)
http://www.sakhi.org/ (Sakhi for South Asian Women, New York)
http://www.chayaseattle.org/ (Chaya, Seattle)
http://turningpoint-ny.org/aboutus.html (Turning Point, New York)

Muslim Etiquette Guide

to Life, Money & Modern Dilemmas

Living in the West, Muslims have had to create their own culture — mixing the old with the new. This ‘Brave New World’ has brought about a whole host of new modern situations and problems. Sometimes it’s hard to decide how much to spend on a wedding gift, what percent to tip at a Muslim restaurant, or even what to pay for a Mahr! What’s a good gift for a new Muslim? What do you say to someone who says their ‘boyfriend’ is Muslim? The dilemmas are endless!!

With no Dear Abby or Heloise to help us with our particular situations, it could be a good idea if we started to collate some ideas. (No one has to follow these but it just seems like we should at least have some type of discussion and reference like this and people can think about these things! )

(Note that this is a draft and work in progress and just some ideas. Please comment if you think something is too high/low or agree/disagree. Also let me know of suggestions of etiquettes to add. If you don’t like the idea of a guide at all… that’s OK too. Note that this is not a Fatwa, just general opinions and ideas. Many people may not agree with any of it. Everyone can do what they like of course. Thanks )

Sickness or Death Etiquette:

There are a lot of beautiful Hadith enjoining the visiting of the sick. If someone is sick either at home or in the hospital call the family to find the best times to visit. Bring flowers or something small to cheer up the one who is sick.

Only stay for a very short time like ½ hour. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t overstay your welcome because it puts a burden on the sick and the family.

Don’t ask for every minute detail about the person’s illness. Don’t ask too many questions. (Whatever you do, don’t ask to see the scar unless you’re the doctor! )

If someone has passed away in a family, it is important to call or write with condolences and Duas as soon as possible. If living nearby, send a nice dish or tray of food, which was the practice of the Prophet (s).

Restaurant Etiquette:

When going out to dinner if there is an out of town guest someone should pay for him/her. (There is a lot of great literature in Islam about our Ihsan, kindness and generosity to guests.)

If it is someone’s birthday, special occasion his/her (birthday person’s) bill should be split by everyone else there.

The ages-old question of splitting the bill evenly or letting everyone pay for themselves should be decided on before-hand. One person might order a salad and another filet mignnon!, so be mindful and as long as everyone agrees beforehand it should be OK.

At any restaurant the tip should be 15%. 20% if you’re feeling generous and really liked the service. 10% if service was really bad. Do not under-tip just because it’s a Muslim restaurant. If you don’t feel like tipping, don’t eat out. (Restaurants generally underpay workers expecting that tips will make up for it! Think of it as charity or helping the oppressed!)

Rishta Etiquette:

If you are going to a girl’s house for a Rishta (a marriage-potential), bring something for the house. Suggestions: Generic ethnic sweets, flowers for the house (not her), Islamic calligraphy, box of chocolates. Never go empty-handed.

Dress up, don’t look like a bum. Wear clean clothes that are ironed. For the girl, don’t wear Shalwar Kameez when you never wear it. Wear the type of clothes you usually wear, but dressed up a little.

Facebook Etiquette:

Only add someone if you really know them somehow.

Don’t write personal things on people’s wall. (or things they would not like known) It’s not email, use private message.

Do not assume things based on pictures/wall posts. :p

Create private party events using the private secret setting.

Do not post ugly pictures of your friends. Do not post pictures of people who don’t want their pictures up. Do not tag people who do not want to be tagged. Do not put up pictures of people and then block their access to those albums!

Don’t take a million quizzes, or at least don’t make them public. Your friends don’t really need to know which Disney character you’re like, or do they? (I must be Belle btw )

1 event=1 album don’t make 6 parts with 300+ pictures. Pick and choose is better.

If you don’t have anything good to say about someone’s status or post, keep it to yourself.

Don’t turn off your wall to people unless they are truly strangers. (It’s like building a high fence to keep the neighbors out, not very friendly.)

Don’t use language you wouldn’t want your Momma to hear. These things have a way of getting back to them!

Textspeak only if you’re under the age of 15.

Wedding Etiquette:

Please return the RSVP card as soon as you get it. Estimate if you are going or not. Usually the answer is known right then. If you change your reply or number of people you can always call the family later to inform them. (This is extremely important for planning the wedding, they need to know for the caterers, the hotel, the cake, the favors. Have you ever seen a clown try to make two ponies out of only half a balloon left. Sad I tell ya. )

If you wish to add a certain number of relatives, first cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family pets, or any other guests staying with you call the family and ask them if it’s ok for them to attend the wedding as well! (It’s rude to show up with a ton of extra people on the day.)

Never, EVER go to a wedding if you are not invited. Not even as a guest or relative or aunt or best friend or anything.  (Despite reports, the food is not worth the lifelong reputation of being ‘the girl who crashed the Khan wedding’.) (Side note: Weddings are very expensive, the minimumest-ghetto weddings will even cost $30 per person. Every family goes through the agony of trying to cut down their guest list because they cannot afford to invite everyone. And then random people just coming because they want to is really not nice. Think about it please.)

You may attend a sisters-only Mehndi as  a guest of someone who is invited. You may attend a Nikah ceremony taking place in a public Masjid. (Because these are not the wedding and allow for extra people it’s usually OK.)

If you attend a Muslim wedding you should ideally bring a gift of cash of at least $50 ($30 if you can’t afford it), $100 if you are many people or close to the family or $200 if you are a rich doctor uncle! (You can add the Desi Witr $1 to each amount if you like. Don’t be cheap. It costs a lot more than that to host your family for dinner there. New couples really do need the money. Don’t reduce the amount just because the wedding takes place in a Masjid.)

If the couple has established a registry, you may buy something from the registry of the values mentioned above. (They no doubt wanted to avert the 10 toaster ovens phenomenon! Chaos theorists should look into why this happens. )

Do not re-gift your old gifts for weddings. Sell them on Ebay or give them to friends. Heck, give them to me, I could use a toaster oven. (It is completely tacky and impolite to just regift…especially when the names of the previous couple are still on there in pen. Pppllllllll!!!)

The only time you should go out and buy a gift of your choosing on your own is if you really know the couple and their likes/dislikes. (You’ve looked up their Amazon wishlist.) Also include the gift receipt.

If you are not attending the wedding but were invited by a close friend, please send a small gift. (It is a very nice gesture and hey they might save you a piece of the cake )

‘No Kids’ on the invitation means _no kids_. Get a babysitter. Give the grandparents a treat. (I can tell you that I attended a wedding that said ‘no kids’ and a little girl went right up on stage and started screaming and crying at the “Do you take, upon the Quran and Sunnah…” part and the Imam stopped the ceremony. Yeah I now believe parents can get blackballed from weddings, so don’t be one of them!!)

Re: the heated “no boxed gifts” debate. I personally think it’s better to add a polite note indicating you are moving instead or let people know by word of mouth. But I can understand why people don’t want those 14 said toasters or re-gifts.

Gifts should be wrapped or in a bag with a card. (This does not mean a Target bag, but like a real one People have actually received many gifts without having any idea who they were from! Hence, the generic “Thank you for your kind “gift”” on the thank you cards!

BTW ‘thank you cards’ after your wedding, you don’t have to, but it’s a very nice gesture. Kind of brings the whole cards exchange between guests and host to a close.

Unless you’re the king of Saudi writing things like ‘no gifts please only your Duas’ or ‘no boxed gifts, only the pleasure of your company’ (ß mixed messages it’s saying you want money only or nothing??) will not work. This only makes people feel uncomfortable and guilty and they will likely bring something, anything, anyway. Also, asking people to give to a charity instead of gifts?, iffy. (You really trust ppl that much :p) Better to take the money you receive and donate what you wish.

Don’t put the wedding website, email or phone number directly on the invitation card itself. Include an RSVP card. I know people do it, but a card should be classic and timeless. (Kind of like the Imam, no one can pinpoint his exact age in time and the same should be for your card )

Dawat Dinner Invitations Etiquette:

If you are invited to someone’s house never go empty handed. Bring something, anything. A little plate of home-made dessert or even a gift for the kids.

Try to be on time to things. Yes we know about the ‘Muslim time’  1 hour late to everything but let’s try to minimize that. If you’re going to be late, call. Conversely, don’t come too early while the host is still running around trying to get ready.

At someone’s house never look in through the windows. Knock and then move to the side or turn around, so that the person inside can look outside and see you without you seeing them. This is the Sunnah (so you avoid seeing something you shouldn’t or spying.)

Don’t ask if the food is Halal or not. Assume it is. Eat what you like, if you don’t like something just leave it.

Don’t heap your guest’s plates with too much food. Insisting on eating more is good but don’t force.

You should say ‘Jazakallah khair’ to the woman of the house who cooked, cleaned and slaved to make the dinner possible. If you are a brother and don’t want to overstep, you can even just say to the husband please thank your ‘family’.

If you are the host, walk your guests to the door and maybe beyond to say goodbye. This is a nice Sunnah as well.

Marriage Etiquette:

A good guideline for Mahr can be a minimum of a brother’s 3-month salary. This can include an engagement ring, clothes, and/or jewelry from him. Anything given by the families would be gifts on top of this. It is important that the Mahr not be any extreme amounts but moderate. (The 3 month guideline is a good one. 20K Mahr or a 15 carat diamond might be forever but will your marriage be? Start out with good feelings and within everyone’s means.)

Nikah expenses should be paid by the bride’s family and should take place in her hometown. Walimah should be paid by him (or his family) and take place in his hometown.

Engagement ring should be chosen by her or at least the style.

From her family the groom should be given some nice personal gifts such as a watch and clothes.

Mosque Etiquette:

If it’s Taraweeh and you have kids that you know will disturb everyone, don’t bring them. You can pray at home and you get the same reward and you will not be disturbing 200 women’s prayers. Also try to lobby your Mosque for a ‘mothers with kids’ room.

Turn off your cell phones. Turn off your wack ringtones. Turn off your dings for texts. Turn off your loud vibrate mode. Really isn’t Allah’s call more important?

Don’t stampede like you’ve never seen food before.

If you’ve been cooking in the kitchen (with Shaan Masala) change your Jilbab before you come to the Mosque.

Wipe down the sink after you make Wudu, so other people don’t have to clean up after you.

Put your shoes in a proper cubby hole or neatly in the closet instead of thrown all over.

You are responsible for your kids, not everyone else. If you find someone else correcting your child, you should thank them instead of getting upset about it. It is your child’s behavior and you did bring them there! Don’t let them run around wild!

If you come to the Mosque for Iftar, you should stay there for Taraweeh. Why not? Don’t eat too much! It’s really hard to pray when you’re stuffed.

Have quiet stuff for your kids to do if you bring them. Crayons, books. Don’t expect them to behave perfectly with nothing to channel them towards.

For brothers and sisters, wear Islamic clothing. Avoid the skinny jeans, girls and tight short t-shirts, guys! (and everyone — brothers especially please wear clean nice smelling socks )

If you are providing food for the Masjid, please remember there are different ethnicities and levels of spice tolerability and ability to eat meats!

When Someone Has a Baby Etiquette:

Don’t overstay your welcome at the hospital or the home within the first 2 weeks.

Don’t invite yourself over for dinner.

Don’t use the restroom in the mother’s hospital room, ask where the public restrooms are.

If a mother leaves to breastfeed her baby in another room, don’t follow her!

Moral Dilemma Etiquette:

How to ask if the meat is Halal/Zabiha at someone’s house?

Islamic etiquette is that you don’t ask. You assume the meat is Halal/Zabiha.

What to say when someone says their boyfriend/girlfriend is Muslim?

Just smile and take the opportunity to be polite and make some Dawah. This person is already predisposed to Islam so go for it

What’s a good gift for a new Muslim?

NOT asking them their conversion story. Good gifts also include a nice CD set, a pretty scarf, or particularly well-written book on Islam.

What do you do when a think a girl is not properly dressed Islamically?

This is VERY dangerous ground. The best etiquette I suggest is to say nothing. Befriend the sister and encourage her Islamic activities. The rest will work itself out.

How do you correct someone who is doing ‘wrong’?

Sometimes people doing the ‘correcting’ end up doing more ‘wrong’ than right. Your opinion may not always be the only ‘correct’ one. Seriously weigh the consequences before and make sure to do it in private.

What if you just don’t like someone that’s Muslim?

Not every Muslim will be your bff. Everyone has different likes, dislikes, interests, personalities and disposition. Know the person is your sister/brother in Islam and be mature enough to treat them politely.

What do you do when you receive a gift?

You should open it in front of the person and appreciate it in front of them.

What do you do if you’re a brother and see a sister carrying a lot of things?

You should help her. Don’t worry she won’t think you want to marry her. This is basic decency. The same if a sister is lost or needs help with something.

How do you greet a couple?

Say a polite Salam and nod to the wife or husband of your friend as well. If s/he doesn’t want to talk to you they’ll leave. It’s impolite to just ignore the spouse or think they’re invisible.

When should you ask if someone is pregnant?

Never ever.

When should you comment that someone has gained weight?

Never ever.

What do you do if you see someone not wearing Hijab who normally does?

Ignore it and treat it as normal.

What do you say to an auntie trying to pump you for gossip?

Run. As far and as fast as you can!

Can you get together with your friend’s ex-Rishta?

Yes, you can but let your friend know first politely. And know that you might be sacrificing your friendship.

What language should you speak among multiple people?

If there’s more than one language being spoken, keep everyone in the conversation, don’t speak only one native language that only a few know.

What do you do if you suspect someone is an FBI informant?

Inform all Mosque leaders and let them deal with it. Other than that smile and carry on as usual, the person just might be normally weird. Be careful about being drawn into conversations that could be misconstrued like on America, the war on Terror, Jihad, etc etc.

How do you ask people personal questions?

Never ask ‘so when are you getting married’, ‘so when are you having a baby’, ‘so when are you having the next one’ unless you are intimately acquainted with the ppl you’re asking. Just don’t.

Should a bro/sis say Salam to a lone person of the opposite gender?

It’s always good to say Salam. The brothers should take it upon themselves to say Salam and keep on walking. Sisters can return the Salam or nod and just keep going as well.

What should you do when you are doing Dua/reading Quran or something else right before Iftar (or just in the Masjid) and someone is trying to talk to you?

Just smile politely and answer their question/remarks/Salaams and then pointedly but politely say ‘Oh I just have to finish my Quran/Dua… I’ll be right back in a bit’.

Index of some related Hadith

(Look these up in your Hadith software to find authenticities and Tafseers.)

The Prophet Muhammad (s) said:

• Humility and courtesy are acts of piety.
• There is not any Muslim who visits another in sickness, in the forenoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till the evening; and there is no one who visits the sick, in the afternoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till daybreak, and there will be a pardon for him in Paradise.
• Feed the hungry and visit a sick person, and free the captive, if he be unjustly confined. Assist any person oppressed, whether Muslim or non-Muslim.
• A believer who condoles with his brother on a bereavement will be dressed by Allah in the robes of honor and glory on the Day of Resurrection
• Make food for Ja’afar’s family as they are distracted by the event. (death)
• He who believes in one God, and a future life, let him honor his guest.
• Whoever believes in God and the Hereafter must respect his guest; and whoever believeth in God and the Hereafter must not incommode his neighbors, and a Mumin must speak only good words, otherwise remain silent.
• It is not right for a guest to stay so long as to incommode his host.
• God is pure and loves purity and cleanliness.
• To every young person who honors the old, on account of their age, may god appoint those who shall honor him in his years.
• Verily, to honor an old man is showing respect to God.
• It is of my ways that a man shall come out with his guest to the door of his house.
• To gladden the heart of the weary, to remove the suffering of the afflicted, hath its own reward. In the day of trouble, the memory of the action comes like a rush of the torrent, and takes our burden away.
• He who helped his fellow-creature in the hour of need, and he who helped the oppressed, him will God help in the Day of Travail.
• Whoever is kind to His creatures, God is kind to him; therefore be kind to man on earth, whether good or bad; and being kind to the bad, is to withhold him from badness, thus in heaven you will be treated kindly.
• Verily, a man teaching his child manners is better for him than giving one bushel of grain in alms.
• Shall I tell you the very worst among you? Those who eat alone, and whip the slaves, and give to nobody.
• When anyone was sick Muhammad used to rub his hands upon the sick person’s body, saying, ‘O Lord of mankind! Take away this pain, and give health; for Thou art the giver of health: there is no health but You, that health which leaves no sickness.’
• The best of persons in God’s sight is the best amongst his friends; and the best of neighbors near God is the best person in his own neighborhood.
• The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has never found fault with any food. If he liked it, he would eat it, if not he would just leave it.
• The son of Adam (man) has never filled a vessel worse than his stomach. If there is no way out, let there be a third for his meal, another for his drink and another for his breath.
• A man invited the Prophet (s) to a meal along with four other people. A man followed the Prophet.. At the door, the Prophet (s)  said to the host: “This man has come with us: If you permit, he will come in; if not he will go back.” The host said: I give him my permission, O Allah’s Messenger.”
• You will never enter Paradise until you become believers, and you will not become believers until you love each other. Shall I guide you to something that makes you love each other? Spread greetings with peace among you.
• Quran: When you are greeted with a greeting, reply with a better one or return it..
• If there are three of you, never should two of them talk without the third until you mix with other people, for this would grieve the third.
• One man belched in the presence of Allah’s Messenger, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, upon which the Messenger said to him: “stop belching, The biggest eaters in this worldly life will be the hungriest in the Hereafter.”

Other Good Guides:

Gallantry, Generosity and Gentlemanly Grace- A guide for Muslim brothers. (Bro, I actually wrote my guide before yours in the summer! Great minds think alike~!)

The Urban Etiquette Handbook – A hilarious guide to living in a huge City

P.S. Thanks to all those that contributed to this list and helped write the various sections, including Madina members and particular Facebook friends!