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The Ethics of Chivalry

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by Imam Zaid Shakir

Islam is not a religion of empty laws and strictures but one which points towards a higher ethical order.

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In the literature discussing Futuwwa, which has been translated as Muslim chivalry, there is the story of a young man who was engaged to marry a particularly beautiful woman. Before the wedding day, his fiancée was afflicted with a severe case of chicken pox which left her face terribly disfigured. Her father wrote to him informing him of the situation and asking if he preferred to call off the wedding. The young man replied that he would still marry his daughter, but that he had recently experienced a gradual loss of sight, which he feared would culminate in blindness.

The wedding proceeded as planned and the couple had a loving and happy relationship until the wife died twenty years later. Upon her death the husband regained his eyesight. When asked about his seemingly miraculous recovery he explained that he could see all along. He had feigned blindness all those years because he did not want to offend or sadden his wife.

From our jaded or cynical vantage points it is easy to dismiss such a story as a preposterous fabrication. To do so is to miss an important point that was not lost to those who circulated and were inspired by this and similar tales. Namely, our religion is not an empty compilation of laws and strictures. The law is important and willingly accepting it is one of the keys to our salvation. However, the law is also a means to point us toward a higher ethical end. We are reminded in the Qur’an, “Surely, the prayer wards off indecency and lewdness.”(29:45)

The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasise that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.

This is especially true in our marriages. Too many Muslims are involved in marriages that devolve into an empty observation of duties and an equally vacuous demand for the fulfillment of rights. While such practices are laudable in their proper context, when they are divorced from kindness, consideration, empathy, and true commitment they define marriages that become a fragile caricature. Such relationships are irreparably shattered by a silly argument, a few wrinkles on the face, unwanted pounds around the waist, a personality quirk or a whimsical desire to play the field to see if one can latch on to someone prettier, wealthier, younger, or possibly more exciting than one’s spouse.

These are issues that affect men and women. However, we men must step up and do our part to help to arrest the alarmingly negative state of gender relations in our communities. The level of chivalry the current crisis demands does not require that we pretend to be blind for twenty years. However, it does require some serious soul searching, and it demands that we ask ourselves some hard questions. For instance, why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older or previously married women? The general feeling among the women folk in our communities is that if you are not married by the age of twenty-five, then you have only two chances of being married thereafter –slim and none. This sentiment pervades our sisters’ minds and hearts because of the reality they experience. Many brothers who put off marriage until they are past thirty-five will oftentimes marry someone close to half their age, passing over a generation of women who are intellectually and psychologically more compatible with them and would prove wiser parents for their children.

Despite this problem, and the clear social, psychological and cultural pathologies it breeds, many of us will hasten to give a lecture reminding our audience of the fact that Khadija, the beloved wife of our Prophet, was fifteen years his senior. We might even mention that she and several of his other wives were previously married. Why is it that what was good enough for our Prophet is repugnant to ourselves or our sons?

A related question would be, “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?” Many women in the West lack the support of extended family networks, which is increasingly true even in the Muslim world. Therefore, they must seek education or professional training to be in a position to support themselves if necessary, or to assist their husbands; an increasingly likely scenario owing to the nature of work in postindustrial societies. This sociological fact leads to women in the West generally manifesting a degree of education and independence that might not be present among women in more traditional societies and times – even though such societies are rapidly disappearing.

Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family. The common reason given is that such women are too assertive, or they are not the kind of women the prospective husband’s mother is used to. As a result a significant number of our sisters, despite their beauty, talent, maturity, and dynamism are passed over for marriage in favour of an idealised, demure “real” Muslim woman. The social consequences of this practice are extremely grave for our community.

Again, we can ask ourselves, “To what extent does this practice conform to the prophetic model?” Our Prophet was surrounded by strong, assertive and independent women. His beloved Khadija, who we have previously mentioned, was one of the most successful business people in the Arabian Peninsula, and her wealth allowed the Prophet to retreat to the Cave of Hira where he would receive the first revelation.

Ayesha, despite her young age was an assertive, free-spirited, intellectual powerhouse who would become one of the great female scholars in history. The foundation for her intellectual greatness was laid by the Prophet himself who recognised her brilliance. Zainab bint Jahsh ran a “non-profit” organisation. She would make various handicrafts, sell them in the market and then use the proceeds to secretly give charity to the poor people of Medina. Umm Salama had the courage to migrate from Mecca to Medina, unescorted, although she was ultimately accompanied by a single rider. She also had the vision to resolve the crisis at Hudaybiyya. These were all wives of the Prophet. To their names we could add those of many other strong and dynamic women who played a major role in the life of the fledgling Muslim community.

Another issue that is leading to many otherwise eligible women remaining single relates to colour. If a panel of Muslim men, whose origins were in the Muslim world, were to choose Miss World, the title would likely never leave Scandinavia. No matter how beautiful a woman with a brown, black, or even tan complexion was, she would never be quite beautiful enough, because of her skin colour. This attitude informs the way many choose their wives. This is a sensitive issue, but it is one we must address if we are to advance as a community. We may think that ours is a “colourblind” community, however, there are legions of women who have been relegated to the status of unmarriageable social pariahs who would beg to differ.

God has stated that the basis for virtue with Him is piety; not tribe, race, or national origin. (49:13) The Prophet reminded us that God does not look at our physical forms, or at our wealth. Rather, He looks at our hearts and our deeds. (Muslim) We debase ourselves when we exalt what God has belittled. God and His messenger have belittled skin colour and body shape and size as a designator of virtue or distinction. What does it say about us when we use these criteria as truncheons to painfully bludgeon some of the most beautiful women imaginable into social insignificance?

Marriage is not a playground where the ego thoughtlessly pursues its vanities. This is something the chivalrous young man mentioned at the outset of this essay understood. It is an institution that helps a man and a woman pursue the purpose of their creation: to glorify and worship God and to work, within the extent of our capabilities and resources, to make the world a better place for those we share it with and for those we will leave it to. This role is beautifully captured in the Qur’an, “The believing men and women are the supporting friends of each other. They enjoin right, forbid wrong, establish regular prayer, pay the poor due, and they obey God and His Messenger. They expect God’s Mercy. Surely, God is Mighty, Wise.” (9:71)

Source: Emel Magazine Issue 67 April 2010

Having organized three of my sibling’s weddings fully and having helped with scores of others has made me realize how stressful they actually are! There are just so many things to fight over….who to invite, how to do the seating, what traditions to include, how much to spend, deciding who pays for what… There have actually been couples who have called off the marriage because of all the stress and problems involved in organizing a wedding! Sometimes they just can’t agree or one side becomes offended by something or other and it’s called off!

The interesting thing about weddings is that you really learn a lot about the people getting married. Even if you knew the person for years, it’s only when they get married… the things that are important to them are seen clearly. What type of wedding it is tells you a lot. The baby pictures come out on the slideshows. You can see the family dynamics in action. You can see their taste in decor and environment, music and religiosity. A person’s wealth and status in real life can be hidden, but it all comes out at the wedding. The friend’s speeches and anecdotes tell you more about the person. It’s like the underbelly comes out and you are stepping into someone’s home for the evening with their most important friends!!

I’ve attended so many weddings in my life I can’t even remember which one I liked the best! There have been so many beautiful elements in so many people’s weddings. Some of the earliest weddings I remember attending were in Churches, which is a funny thing to say, but being Muslim it is odd! Later on I think Muslims discovered halls and fancy hotels. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve attended a wedding (not just a ceremony) in a Mosque. It’s sad that our traditions and cultures have developed so much that such a spiritual thing of joining a couple under God has been removed from the Mosques, to hotels. I know we don’t have the room, the space, the catering etc, etc believe me I know, but it seems like events like weddings, Aqeeqahs, graduation parties etc, should be celebrated in places that give it a spiritual ambiance. It brings our Mosques alive and makes them happy places. Why don’t they build Mosques with big dining halls? (While we’re on the subject, what about building enough parking?!)

Ahhh anyways, back to weddings…I think each wedding I’ve been to has had something special. I tend to like the one’s where we’re witness to the moment the couple actually become husband and wife. I also like together weddings because I have yet to see a completely separate wedding with absolutely no men nowhere near the women! Somehow we always get waiting staff coming in or the 15 year old boy who thinks he’s still a kid looking for his mom or uncle jee looking for his wife!

Other things I remember from various weddings is one held outside on Mosque grounds with big buckets of candles. One where the nikah and walimah were on the same day a few hours apart, kind of fun running home and changing and going to the next thing. A wedding on the water in Long Island. Chocolate fountains! A tabla player during appetizers. Throwing (fighting over lol) of the bouquet.  A funny slideshow presentation.  Hillarious skits. A photo booth for guests. A heartfelt speech from the Imam. A beautiful Quran reading. Sweet smelling centerpieces. Roses taped to a wall. Ice cream sundae cake for dessert. Nasheed CDs as a favor or lindt chocolate or a dua book. Bride being carried in on a doli. Scroll invitations. Money necklaces. Clowns for the kids. A tent in the park.

So what are some of the best things you remember from past weddings?

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Muslim Sheep Singles

Top 20 reasons why being a Muslim single is nice:

1.  You have no responsibilities towards a spouse.

2.  No resp. towards kids.

3.  You can come and go as you please without asking someone or conferring with someone.

4.  It’s cheaper.

5.  You can have nicer things that won’t get broken by a spouse or kids.

6.  You can afford to go on nice vacations if you spend wisely.

7.  You can spend time in the Masjid, go all day and night.

8.  You can afford Hajj more easily.

9.  You don’t have to worry about someone constantly.

10.  You can further your education.

11.  You can memorize more Quran because you have more time.

12.  You can go to more Islamic lectures because you have more time.

13.  You don’t have to deal with another person’s nagging or whining or complaining unless you want to.

14.  You can tend to your parents more.

15.  You can have strong relationships with your nieces and nephews.

16.  You have more time to volunteer.

17.  You can go study Islam overseas.

18.  You can sleep whenever you want and for as long as you want.

19.  There’s no fighting or drama.

20.  You don’t have to change yourself for anyone else.

If you would like to write a guest post on any contemporary subject, please send it in!! jannahorg @ yahoo.com

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10. People trying to set you up with the weirdo who doesn’t speak English or the guy with 5  1/2 kids looking for a second wife. (And then they call you picky!)

9. Can’t get the family rate at ICNA. (or ISNA or MAS or the subway)

8. You’re never invited to those married couple parties. (Did you know they have their own secret social world, single muggles not allowed.)

7. Attending those ‘singles lectures on marriage’ where they talk about the same ole stuff except real ways of getting us married! (Or they lecture us on why we should just accept our parents choice.)

6. Realizing your kids by the time (if) u have any will be too young to match-make with your  friend’s kids.

5. Pervert guys who think you’re now desperate enough to consider them. (a la Mr. Collins)

4. Meeting long lost old friends who immediately ask, ‘Are you married!? How many kids do you have!?’. (No and no.)

3. Your mom reminds you that at your age she was already married with 3 kids! (Yes, I wish I was a child bride too.)

2. Muslim matrimonials. (Need we say more?)

and……………..

number….

1. Every auntie at every wedding, engagement or aqeeqah saying, ‘You’re next!!’. (Do single people look pregnant or something? )

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So I’ve kind of been thinking about this idea FOR YEARS. That is creating a matrimonial site. But the obvious problem has always been how to filter out the freaks and protecting the sisters. I still don’t know how to do that. But last night we had a halaqah here and the shaikh talked about how if you help to remove a burden from someone in this life, Allah will lift a burden from you on the Day of Judgment. And I know how hard it is to look for someone decent, especially for older people.

Yes I know there are a billion sites out there, but they all charge money and I think are pretty much full of freaks. So I don’t know. It’s still an idea… suggestions, criticisms, naysayers? what do you guys think??

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