Muslim Etiquette Guide

to Life, Money & Modern Dilemmas

Living in the West, Muslims have had to create their own culture — mixing the old with the new. This ‘Brave New World’ has brought about a whole host of new modern situations and problems. Sometimes it’s hard to decide how much to spend on a wedding gift, what percent to tip at a Muslim restaurant, or even what to pay for a Mahr! What’s a good gift for a new Muslim? What do you say to someone who says their ‘boyfriend’ is Muslim? The dilemmas are endless!!

With no Dear Abby or Heloise to help us with our particular situations, it could be a good idea if we started to collate some ideas. (No one has to follow these but it just seems like we should at least have some type of discussion and reference like this and people can think about these things! )

(Note that this is a draft and work in progress and just some ideas. Please comment if you think something is too high/low or agree/disagree. Also let me know of suggestions of etiquettes to add. If you don’t like the idea of a guide at all… that’s OK too. Note that this is not a Fatwa, just general opinions and ideas. Many people may not agree with any of it. Everyone can do what they like of course. Thanks )

Sickness or Death Etiquette:

There are a lot of beautiful Hadith enjoining the visiting of the sick. If someone is sick either at home or in the hospital call the family to find the best times to visit. Bring flowers or something small to cheer up the one who is sick.

Only stay for a very short time like ½ hour. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t overstay your welcome because it puts a burden on the sick and the family.

Don’t ask for every minute detail about the person’s illness. Don’t ask too many questions. (Whatever you do, don’t ask to see the scar unless you’re the doctor! )

If someone has passed away in a family, it is important to call or write with condolences and Duas as soon as possible. If living nearby, send a nice dish or tray of food, which was the practice of the Prophet (s).

Restaurant Etiquette:

When going out to dinner if there is an out of town guest someone should pay for him/her. (There is a lot of great literature in Islam about our Ihsan, kindness and generosity to guests.)

If it is someone’s birthday, special occasion his/her (birthday person’s) bill should be split by everyone else there.

The ages-old question of splitting the bill evenly or letting everyone pay for themselves should be decided on before-hand. One person might order a salad and another filet mignnon!, so be mindful and as long as everyone agrees beforehand it should be OK.

At any restaurant the tip should be 15%. 20% if you’re feeling generous and really liked the service. 10% if service was really bad. Do not under-tip just because it’s a Muslim restaurant. If you don’t feel like tipping, don’t eat out. (Restaurants generally underpay workers expecting that tips will make up for it! Think of it as charity or helping the oppressed!)

Rishta Etiquette:

If you are going to a girl’s house for a Rishta (a marriage-potential), bring something for the house. Suggestions: Generic ethnic sweets, flowers for the house (not her), Islamic calligraphy, box of chocolates. Never go empty-handed.

Dress up, don’t look like a bum. Wear clean clothes that are ironed. For the girl, don’t wear Shalwar Kameez when you never wear it. Wear the type of clothes you usually wear, but dressed up a little.

Facebook Etiquette:

Only add someone if you really know them somehow.

Don’t write personal things on people’s wall. (or things they would not like known) It’s not email, use private message.

Do not assume things based on pictures/wall posts. :p

Create private party events using the private secret setting.

Do not post ugly pictures of your friends. Do not post pictures of people who don’t want their pictures up. Do not tag people who do not want to be tagged. Do not put up pictures of people and then block their access to those albums!

Don’t take a million quizzes, or at least don’t make them public. Your friends don’t really need to know which Disney character you’re like, or do they? (I must be Belle btw )

1 event=1 album don’t make 6 parts with 300+ pictures. Pick and choose is better.

If you don’t have anything good to say about someone’s status or post, keep it to yourself.

Don’t turn off your wall to people unless they are truly strangers. (It’s like building a high fence to keep the neighbors out, not very friendly.)

Don’t use language you wouldn’t want your Momma to hear. These things have a way of getting back to them!

Textspeak only if you’re under the age of 15.

Wedding Etiquette:

Please return the RSVP card as soon as you get it. Estimate if you are going or not. Usually the answer is known right then. If you change your reply or number of people you can always call the family later to inform them. (This is extremely important for planning the wedding, they need to know for the caterers, the hotel, the cake, the favors. Have you ever seen a clown try to make two ponies out of only half a balloon left. Sad I tell ya. )

If you wish to add a certain number of relatives, first cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family pets, or any other guests staying with you call the family and ask them if it’s ok for them to attend the wedding as well! (It’s rude to show up with a ton of extra people on the day.)

Never, EVER go to a wedding if you are not invited. Not even as a guest or relative or aunt or best friend or anything.  (Despite reports, the food is not worth the lifelong reputation of being ‘the girl who crashed the Khan wedding’.) (Side note: Weddings are very expensive, the minimumest-ghetto weddings will even cost $30 per person. Every family goes through the agony of trying to cut down their guest list because they cannot afford to invite everyone. And then random people just coming because they want to is really not nice. Think about it please.)

You may attend a sisters-only Mehndi as  a guest of someone who is invited. You may attend a Nikah ceremony taking place in a public Masjid. (Because these are not the wedding and allow for extra people it’s usually OK.)

If you attend a Muslim wedding you should ideally bring a gift of cash of at least $50 ($30 if you can’t afford it), $100 if you are many people or close to the family or $200 if you are a rich doctor uncle! (You can add the Desi Witr $1 to each amount if you like. Don’t be cheap. It costs a lot more than that to host your family for dinner there. New couples really do need the money. Don’t reduce the amount just because the wedding takes place in a Masjid.)

If the couple has established a registry, you may buy something from the registry of the values mentioned above. (They no doubt wanted to avert the 10 toaster ovens phenomenon! Chaos theorists should look into why this happens. )

Do not re-gift your old gifts for weddings. Sell them on Ebay or give them to friends. Heck, give them to me, I could use a toaster oven. (It is completely tacky and impolite to just regift…especially when the names of the previous couple are still on there in pen. Pppllllllll!!!)

The only time you should go out and buy a gift of your choosing on your own is if you really know the couple and their likes/dislikes. (You’ve looked up their Amazon wishlist.) Also include the gift receipt.

If you are not attending the wedding but were invited by a close friend, please send a small gift. (It is a very nice gesture and hey they might save you a piece of the cake )

‘No Kids’ on the invitation means _no kids_. Get a babysitter. Give the grandparents a treat. (I can tell you that I attended a wedding that said ‘no kids’ and a little girl went right up on stage and started screaming and crying at the “Do you take, upon the Quran and Sunnah…” part and the Imam stopped the ceremony. Yeah I now believe parents can get blackballed from weddings, so don’t be one of them!!)

Re: the heated “no boxed gifts” debate. I personally think it’s better to add a polite note indicating you are moving instead or let people know by word of mouth. But I can understand why people don’t want those 14 said toasters or re-gifts.

Gifts should be wrapped or in a bag with a card. (This does not mean a Target bag, but like a real one People have actually received many gifts without having any idea who they were from! Hence, the generic “Thank you for your kind “gift”” on the thank you cards!

BTW ‘thank you cards’ after your wedding, you don’t have to, but it’s a very nice gesture. Kind of brings the whole cards exchange between guests and host to a close.

Unless you’re the king of Saudi writing things like ‘no gifts please only your Duas’ or ‘no boxed gifts, only the pleasure of your company’ (ß mixed messages it’s saying you want money only or nothing??) will not work. This only makes people feel uncomfortable and guilty and they will likely bring something, anything, anyway. Also, asking people to give to a charity instead of gifts?, iffy. (You really trust ppl that much :p) Better to take the money you receive and donate what you wish.

Don’t put the wedding website, email or phone number directly on the invitation card itself. Include an RSVP card. I know people do it, but a card should be classic and timeless. (Kind of like the Imam, no one can pinpoint his exact age in time and the same should be for your card )

Dawat Dinner Invitations Etiquette:

If you are invited to someone’s house never go empty handed. Bring something, anything. A little plate of home-made dessert or even a gift for the kids.

Try to be on time to things. Yes we know about the ‘Muslim time’  1 hour late to everything but let’s try to minimize that. If you’re going to be late, call. Conversely, don’t come too early while the host is still running around trying to get ready.

At someone’s house never look in through the windows. Knock and then move to the side or turn around, so that the person inside can look outside and see you without you seeing them. This is the Sunnah (so you avoid seeing something you shouldn’t or spying.)

Don’t ask if the food is Halal or not. Assume it is. Eat what you like, if you don’t like something just leave it.

Don’t heap your guest’s plates with too much food. Insisting on eating more is good but don’t force.

You should say ‘Jazakallah khair’ to the woman of the house who cooked, cleaned and slaved to make the dinner possible. If you are a brother and don’t want to overstep, you can even just say to the husband please thank your ‘family’.

If you are the host, walk your guests to the door and maybe beyond to say goodbye. This is a nice Sunnah as well.

Marriage Etiquette:

A good guideline for Mahr can be a minimum of a brother’s 3-month salary. This can include an engagement ring, clothes, and/or jewelry from him. Anything given by the families would be gifts on top of this. It is important that the Mahr not be any extreme amounts but moderate. (The 3 month guideline is a good one. 20K Mahr or a 15 carat diamond might be forever but will your marriage be? Start out with good feelings and within everyone’s means.)

Nikah expenses should be paid by the bride’s family and should take place in her hometown. Walimah should be paid by him (or his family) and take place in his hometown.

Engagement ring should be chosen by her or at least the style.

From her family the groom should be given some nice personal gifts such as a watch and clothes.

Mosque Etiquette:

If it’s Taraweeh and you have kids that you know will disturb everyone, don’t bring them. You can pray at home and you get the same reward and you will not be disturbing 200 women’s prayers. Also try to lobby your Mosque for a ‘mothers with kids’ room.

Turn off your cell phones. Turn off your wack ringtones. Turn off your dings for texts. Turn off your loud vibrate mode. Really isn’t Allah’s call more important?

Don’t stampede like you’ve never seen food before.

If you’ve been cooking in the kitchen (with Shaan Masala) change your Jilbab before you come to the Mosque.

Wipe down the sink after you make Wudu, so other people don’t have to clean up after you.

Put your shoes in a proper cubby hole or neatly in the closet instead of thrown all over.

You are responsible for your kids, not everyone else. If you find someone else correcting your child, you should thank them instead of getting upset about it. It is your child’s behavior and you did bring them there! Don’t let them run around wild!

If you come to the Mosque for Iftar, you should stay there for Taraweeh. Why not? Don’t eat too much! It’s really hard to pray when you’re stuffed.

Have quiet stuff for your kids to do if you bring them. Crayons, books. Don’t expect them to behave perfectly with nothing to channel them towards.

For brothers and sisters, wear Islamic clothing. Avoid the skinny jeans, girls and tight short t-shirts, guys! (and everyone — brothers especially please wear clean nice smelling socks )

If you are providing food for the Masjid, please remember there are different ethnicities and levels of spice tolerability and ability to eat meats!

When Someone Has a Baby Etiquette:

Don’t overstay your welcome at the hospital or the home within the first 2 weeks.

Don’t invite yourself over for dinner.

Don’t use the restroom in the mother’s hospital room, ask where the public restrooms are.

If a mother leaves to breastfeed her baby in another room, don’t follow her!

Moral Dilemma Etiquette:

How to ask if the meat is Halal/Zabiha at someone’s house?

Islamic etiquette is that you don’t ask. You assume the meat is Halal/Zabiha.

What to say when someone says their boyfriend/girlfriend is Muslim?

Just smile and take the opportunity to be polite and make some Dawah. This person is already predisposed to Islam so go for it

What’s a good gift for a new Muslim?

NOT asking them their conversion story. Good gifts also include a nice CD set, a pretty scarf, or particularly well-written book on Islam.

What do you do when a think a girl is not properly dressed Islamically?

This is VERY dangerous ground. The best etiquette I suggest is to say nothing. Befriend the sister and encourage her Islamic activities. The rest will work itself out.

How do you correct someone who is doing ‘wrong’?

Sometimes people doing the ‘correcting’ end up doing more ‘wrong’ than right. Your opinion may not always be the only ‘correct’ one. Seriously weigh the consequences before and make sure to do it in private.

What if you just don’t like someone that’s Muslim?

Not every Muslim will be your bff. Everyone has different likes, dislikes, interests, personalities and disposition. Know the person is your sister/brother in Islam and be mature enough to treat them politely.

What do you do when you receive a gift?

You should open it in front of the person and appreciate it in front of them.

What do you do if you’re a brother and see a sister carrying a lot of things?

You should help her. Don’t worry she won’t think you want to marry her. This is basic decency. The same if a sister is lost or needs help with something.

How do you greet a couple?

Say a polite Salam and nod to the wife or husband of your friend as well. If s/he doesn’t want to talk to you they’ll leave. It’s impolite to just ignore the spouse or think they’re invisible.

When should you ask if someone is pregnant?

Never ever.

When should you comment that someone has gained weight?

Never ever.

What do you do if you see someone not wearing Hijab who normally does?

Ignore it and treat it as normal.

What do you say to an auntie trying to pump you for gossip?

Run. As far and as fast as you can!

Can you get together with your friend’s ex-Rishta?

Yes, you can but let your friend know first politely. And know that you might be sacrificing your friendship.

What language should you speak among multiple people?

If there’s more than one language being spoken, keep everyone in the conversation, don’t speak only one native language that only a few know.

What do you do if you suspect someone is an FBI informant?

Inform all Mosque leaders and let them deal with it. Other than that smile and carry on as usual, the person just might be normally weird. Be careful about being drawn into conversations that could be misconstrued like on America, the war on Terror, Jihad, etc etc.

How do you ask people personal questions?

Never ask ‘so when are you getting married’, ‘so when are you having a baby’, ‘so when are you having the next one’ unless you are intimately acquainted with the ppl you’re asking. Just don’t.

Should a bro/sis say Salam to a lone person of the opposite gender?

It’s always good to say Salam. The brothers should take it upon themselves to say Salam and keep on walking. Sisters can return the Salam or nod and just keep going as well.

What should you do when you are doing Dua/reading Quran or something else right before Iftar (or just in the Masjid) and someone is trying to talk to you?

Just smile politely and answer their question/remarks/Salaams and then pointedly but politely say ‘Oh I just have to finish my Quran/Dua… I’ll be right back in a bit’.

Index of some related Hadith

(Look these up in your Hadith software to find authenticities and Tafseers.)

The Prophet Muhammad (s) said:

• Humility and courtesy are acts of piety.
• There is not any Muslim who visits another in sickness, in the forenoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till the evening; and there is no one who visits the sick, in the afternoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till daybreak, and there will be a pardon for him in Paradise.
• Feed the hungry and visit a sick person, and free the captive, if he be unjustly confined. Assist any person oppressed, whether Muslim or non-Muslim.
• A believer who condoles with his brother on a bereavement will be dressed by Allah in the robes of honor and glory on the Day of Resurrection
• Make food for Ja’afar’s family as they are distracted by the event. (death)
• He who believes in one God, and a future life, let him honor his guest.
• Whoever believes in God and the Hereafter must respect his guest; and whoever believeth in God and the Hereafter must not incommode his neighbors, and a Mumin must speak only good words, otherwise remain silent.
• It is not right for a guest to stay so long as to incommode his host.
• God is pure and loves purity and cleanliness.
• To every young person who honors the old, on account of their age, may god appoint those who shall honor him in his years.
• Verily, to honor an old man is showing respect to God.
• It is of my ways that a man shall come out with his guest to the door of his house.
• To gladden the heart of the weary, to remove the suffering of the afflicted, hath its own reward. In the day of trouble, the memory of the action comes like a rush of the torrent, and takes our burden away.
• He who helped his fellow-creature in the hour of need, and he who helped the oppressed, him will God help in the Day of Travail.
• Whoever is kind to His creatures, God is kind to him; therefore be kind to man on earth, whether good or bad; and being kind to the bad, is to withhold him from badness, thus in heaven you will be treated kindly.
• Verily, a man teaching his child manners is better for him than giving one bushel of grain in alms.
• Shall I tell you the very worst among you? Those who eat alone, and whip the slaves, and give to nobody.
• When anyone was sick Muhammad used to rub his hands upon the sick person’s body, saying, ‘O Lord of mankind! Take away this pain, and give health; for Thou art the giver of health: there is no health but You, that health which leaves no sickness.’
• The best of persons in God’s sight is the best amongst his friends; and the best of neighbors near God is the best person in his own neighborhood.
• The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has never found fault with any food. If he liked it, he would eat it, if not he would just leave it.
• The son of Adam (man) has never filled a vessel worse than his stomach. If there is no way out, let there be a third for his meal, another for his drink and another for his breath.
• A man invited the Prophet (s) to a meal along with four other people. A man followed the Prophet.. At the door, the Prophet (s)  said to the host: “This man has come with us: If you permit, he will come in; if not he will go back.” The host said: I give him my permission, O Allah’s Messenger.”
• You will never enter Paradise until you become believers, and you will not become believers until you love each other. Shall I guide you to something that makes you love each other? Spread greetings with peace among you.
• Quran: When you are greeted with a greeting, reply with a better one or return it..
• If there are three of you, never should two of them talk without the third until you mix with other people, for this would grieve the third.
• One man belched in the presence of Allah’s Messenger, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, upon which the Messenger said to him: “stop belching, The biggest eaters in this worldly life will be the hungriest in the Hereafter.”

Other Good Guides:

Gallantry, Generosity and Gentlemanly Grace- A guide for Muslim brothers. (Bro, I actually wrote my guide before yours in the summer! Great minds think alike~!)

The Urban Etiquette Handbook – A hilarious guide to living in a huge City

P.S. Thanks to all those that contributed to this list and helped write the various sections, including Madina members and particular Facebook friends!

Traditionalist versus Modernity

I recently read this article 100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About which talks about things like dialup modems, dos, letters, library books and numerous other things kids of the next generation will have no idea about and never experience. I felt unaccountably sad reading it. Not old necessarily but no doubt I’ve crossed the mark where I’m now ready to say “back in maaahhh dayyyyyy young whuppersnappers…” !! lol , but I just feel sad that all this progress and modernity is taking away things that really made us appreciate life and developed our character.

Someone recently called me a traditionalist I guess it’s true… I certainly do feel sometimes that I’m living out of time and should have been born in a different era. But then I think I like some things of now, but want to also keep some things of the past. As time rushes forward, let’s look at a few specific examples of how far we’ve come in just the last 20 years in my own lifetime:

From phones to mobile phones. While I agree cell phones are greatly convenient for meeting up with someone at the mall, sending a quick amusing text to someone or emergencies, there’s just so much we have lost by having this ‘always on, always connected’ device. Ever try to pray Taraweeh at the Mosque? Or any prayer for that matter? Or any lecture? Or let’s say TAWAF AROUND THE KABAH. Yes I heard one guy chitchatting to someone in Arabic during Tawaf telling them ‘I’m making Tawaf’. Oh really!? Hmm. How about eating at a restaurant or just walking around the mall or the grocery store or texting while driving or oh yeah walking down the sidewalk!? People just can’t seem to stop. It’s like it’s become a crutch now. I’ve seen people texting other people at an Islamic retreat in remote mountains!! Uhhh what are you gaining exactly. And what are we losing; the experience, the normalness of life, regular interactions. As a society we’ve never thought about what we were losing by the absolute proliferation and ubiquity of cell phones. Even in remote villages in India the latest rage is to have video/camera cell phones. What are they improving and what are they destroying?

From books to e-books. Really? I hate e-books and I’ve read plenty. There’s just something in the idea of a book being so totally portable. While we have kindles and ipods it’s just not the same. Can you curl up with an ipod on a rainy day, or read an electronic novel on the beach, or drop your kindle over the side of the bed when you feel sleepy? Just not the same. There’s something too in owning a physical book, having a bookshelf of books, giving them as gifts, passing them on, borrowing them, finding a rare book, having references. I have tons of Arabic references on CDs but I still reach for the shelf. Books were never meant to be long pages of electronic text. Maybe it’s the way we process information, pages at a time in our mind as a story progresses or something, but losing out on traditional books is truly a loss for society. It highlights how we’ve become so information/soundbyte driven. What we do now is type in google, gloss over wikipedia or listen to a youtube clip, never really learning anything in comprehensive/completeness.

From regular TV to 1 billion all the time DVR channels. I know the next generation will have no idea what it meant to anticipate a show or have fewer choices that might make them actually learn something or watch something they wouldn’t have otherwise or maybe watch less, period. When’s the last time kids have watched something with their parents or as a family. Gone the way of VCRs eh. I always see these kids switching from channel to channel to channel and even watching 2 or more things at the same time. And then they complain there’s nothing on TV and we wonder why our kids are so messed up lol! I saw one kid at an Islamic school secretly pull out his illegally downloaded collection of DVDs, of R-rated movie after movie. Yup technology is great. We can watch as much as we want all the time. Luckily there’s been so much written on the effects of TV, mostly negative, and on how it has changed how we process/learn by Western authors that I don’t have to go into it.

From Makkah to new Makkah. If you’ve been unaware, one of the most startling changes to our holy places has been occurring within our own lifetimes. Those who went to Hajj or Umrah just 20 years ago remember colorful souks, seas of diverse humanity, meeting Muslims from all over the world and open access to the special sites of historical significance. Those of today? Remember: Huge megapolis hotel/designer boutique complexes, grand buffets, faceless people covered with surgical masks and being in the Haram numerous times in their lifetime. No doubt it is a blessing that more Muslims can be accommodated but we’ve just lost that once-in-a-lifetime Malcom-x life transforming type of experience Hajj used to be. I remember a time not long ago when someone came back from Hajj and everyone in the community would go to visit and welcome them and ask them about their wonderous experience and stories.

Seeing digital computer animations of what the Haram will look like in a few years is like seeing a modern Jetson city of humongous skyscrapers, hotels and cars. Yes we can build it, we can be modern and shiny and whatever. But why? We have lost something so precious. Our link to the past. The feeling of being in the Holy cities, of following in the prophets-of-old’s footsteps, of any historical significance. It’s just been wiped clean. It’s like a dystopian utopia!! Dubai or Makkah? Will we even know the difference?

Future Makkah

From normal interaction to Facebook, twitter, etc. This is the biggest change I think we will see most of the effects of in the next decade. Social networking was supposed to bring us more together, help us keep in touch and somehow help us in our lives. But it’s designed a new kind of social strata and society that makes normal friends and life look simpleton. Numerous studies show that ’social networking’ is only making us into anti-social dysfunctional inhumane beings and yet we continue to plug away driven like a nerdy 10th grader by some kind of peer pressure trying to get a date for the prom! :p Ack! We’re not closer, our relationships are not more real and social networking has brought forward a whole host of problems that we now have to deal with.

Do we really need to know what everyone is doing each second? Do we really need to compete over pictures and statuses and how many ‘friends’ we have? Is being witty in 140 characters really progress for humanity? Do we really need to share so much of our lives with high school friends we knew a million years ago or an acquaintance we just met? There seems to be no end to our connectivity even while it is increasing our narcissism, jealousy/envy, passive-aggressive behavior and drama in our lives. Apparently, we didn’t have enough drama in high school and need more! Why don’t we just implant a chip in our brain that just connects to all the other chips in the collective. Oh wait, I thought we destroyed the borg, not are the borg!!

Anyways, just some offhand examples I thought to mention. I’m not saying I don’t like technology. I love technology and I love that with it, some things can become easier and better for us. That some things really have a lot of benefit and have made life so much more interesting in many ways, more than any other time in the past. But why aren’t we aware of the choices we are making and realize that with bigger, better, newer we are losing precious things in the process.

Sometimes living in the US we don’t even understand or know what we have lost (like this next generation will not know what we loved or experienced after us). Living overseas in arguably one of the most preserved societies ever, I came to realize there were so many little things that we should be mourning the loss of. It was like living in a different world there without all these ‘modern conveniences’, low technology, hardly any internet, hardly any telephones for that matter. There were many people there who did not even own phones! People live in simple ways, in small homes, connected to real people and connected to the environment around them. Everything is old and in their own way they try to preserve certain things of importance: historical places, their old Mosques, their good cultural traditions, their societal values of hospitality, generosity, politeness, welcoming of strangers, learning, preserving institutions, giving to the poor. They also just didn’t covet material things like us. They buy what they need and use and no extra. If you exclaim over something they have, they will turn around and give it to you! They reuse and recycle everything because they just don’t see the point of waste. They want to preserve the things around them for their children.

Satellite television and popular culture was at that time slowly making a dent but nothing like the influence it has on the rest of the world; so they were protected. Just walking through the souk and buying something from the person who actually made it or grew it, knowing the cafe owners by name, meeting and sharing with your neighbors. Even some very old traditions such as the closing down of one’s store when a coffin was carried through the souk on its way to burial, the Ramadan suhoor drummer guy, wedding customs, decorating the house of a person who went to Hajj, visiting the sick and the poor. Such beautiful things may soon be lost to ‘modernity’. Living there in the 1100s and living there now is different but somehow they have kept so much of their beautiful culture and traditions, you often wonder if you’re living out of time! Their etiquette and their interaction with other people, guests, store owners, their positive way of life, of family and tradition and religion, ethics, they’re all the same. Somehow they have kept them and they fight to keep them regardless of the encroaching ways of the world.

Modernity: Mosques and Dishes

In all our progress and modernity, I just feel like we’ve lost so many of the beautiful experiences and traditions of the past. We can never appreciate the simple things. We can’t see the worth in the history, the tradition, the culture. We’re oblivious to the downside of any technology. We never say ‘well maybe we shouldn’t do that’ or ‘maybe this technology doesn’t improve my life’ or ‘what do i need that for when i’m fine right now’ or ‘do i really need to buy ……’ We can’t seem to turn it off, unplug or disconnect!

Again I’m not saying we should go back to living like we were in the 1100s, I like things like washing machines, modern transportation or Islamic lectures via internet but why have we lost our appreciation for having less clothes, horse back riding or learning in a Madrassa? Why can’t we keep and appreciate the good things of the past and adopt or limit the things of the future in a way where we preserve what we value and encourage a healthy and dare i use a buzzword ‘green’ way of life. Are they diametrically opposed?

Maybe we should take some time this Ramadan to unplug, let go of some of our ‘modern’ attachments and try to come back to a natural way of life and reflect on what we have missed living in all our progress and modernity ;-D

Praise be to Allah for giving us the blessing of Islam. Praise be to Allah for allowing us to experience one more Ramadan. One more chance for Repentance. One more chance for Forgiveness. Welcome O Guest! Welcome Old friend! I have missed you. Welcome…

This first day of Ramadan (or rather I should say ‘first night’ since the Islamic calendar starts in the evening ) began hot and humid, as have been the days previously. I’ve been hanging out in my sister’s old room, the only one up here that has A/C! until I’m too tired or it’s cooled down a bit at night to go back to mine. So this morning it was hot and sticky as usual and I headed to Jum’ah in a town nearby. As I left it was quite sunny. As soon as I got on the highway and started driving, I saw these dark black clouds straight ahead of me. The air cooled and dimmed and the drops started to fall. By the time I arrived it was raining proper.

Summer rain here in upstate NY is different than rain I’ve experienced elsewhere. It’s like an almost light drizzle, sheets of straight rain that keep on coming and seem endless. And then inexplicably it just dries up, the clouds part and the sun pops out. So I had to park a million miles away as usual and hitched up my long grey maxi dress and headed towards the basement of the university armory where we usually have our Jumahs. The rain feels good and light and while most of the Jumah goers seemed a little damp they looked happy to be there. As soon as I walked in I noticed three rows of women which is usually our full capacity and it was still 10 minutes to go before Khutbah time!

I found a spot and waited. After the Adhan, the Shaikh started the Khutbah. Unfortunately the speakers weren’t working! Luckily, a brother came who knew what he was doing and fixed them up a bit. The Khutbah was mostly about making this fasting more of an inner spiritual exercise against the Nafs, than an outward one about food. In Ramadan, we should just let it all go, to the extent where we might even have some rights, like if someone did some injustice to us, we should tell them “inni saa’im” and let it go. We should forgive, even those things done against us, and internalize our fasting.

I thought about that then and am thinking about it now. I really do want to let go of all the hurt feelings and mistakes of the past. It’s hard for me to forget when someone’s hurt my feelings though. I wish I could be a non-sensitive person where things didn’t bother me as much. Like the close friend of mine while growing up who never invited me to her Nikah, or the time I was supposed to have lunch with someone and she never showed up, or the bro who proposed while insulting me a la Mr. Collins style (what a story that one is!) Why do I keep so many of all these petty things with me? I mean who cares right. We’re all marching on this journey, on this Caravan to Eternity and all these grudges and remembrances of injustices of the past are just weighing me down and keeping me behind. Can’t I throw them off the side and leave them behind me? Can’t I forgive and forget? Can’t I meet people with a smiling face with no thought to the past? Is it enough to forgive and not forget, or must we forget, because if we still remember, have we really forgiven? Forgetting without forgiving seems like a workable method, but yet I must forgive to earn Allah’s Forgiveness.

While in these thoughts and listening, the Khutbah progressed and we could hear the storm’s mayhem outside. Thunder and lighting and huge booms that seemed like it hit right next to the armory. The lights flickered once or twice but Alhamdulllah held. The Khutbah was over and walking towards the entrance I saw tons of people just lingering and then noticed in front of them: a sheet of rain. No wonder no one was moving! I headed to the front and thought…well they do it in Bollywood movies right? So I walked right out into the rain with nothing and casually strolled to my car; the cool water sliding down my face and arms. It actually felt nice and cleansing. As if while we were inside the world raged and stormed and when we came out the straight, endless rain was making sure we were purified.

As soon as I got in my car the rain stopped! (Of course! ) I headed home and got ready for the evening’s Taraweeh prayer. This year our Ramadan miracle came early and everyone (just about) in the world and all our local Mosques were starting fast on the same day.

The Mosque I decided to go to in the evening is the one closest to my house – the inner city Masjid. Now you might ask why I go there, as have others before you! Growing up we were pretty much middle class but when most other families started moving to the suburbs, for some reason we never did. We still live in the city per se but more in the uptown area. I don’t know why, but this Mosque feels like my roots, like as if I was someone who lived in the ghetto and made it big and was trying to come back. It just feels like this is where the real Muslims are, where the revolution starts, on the ground where things are happening. This is the Mosque the Prophet (s) would have come to teach in. The people here (not to insult them) are probably among the poorest and most oppressed. They have the most problems. Among them are many sick people with things like diabetes and broken knees and various illnesses. There are women struggling with many kids, those trying to learn English, recent immigrants, converts, African Americans, Sudanis, Somalis, Bangladeshis, Pakistanis, families of Muslim men who are in jail. They may not have grand Arabic skills or a famous Shaikh or marble walls or sparkling chandeliers but they are the real thing.

There’s things I’ve seen here and people I’ve met that I never would have anywhere else. I once met a woman who was a member of Malcolm X’s original Mosque and she told us in her own words how Malcolm was, the people she met and stories from those days. I met an Afghani woman once who just had triplets! I met a woman who fell down her stairs and broke her back. She came every day to Taraweeh with her back in a brace! I met a sister who is 89 and has a Southern accent, she has gout and takes the bus from the nursing home to come to the Mosque for Iftars every day. She brings crafts for the kids to do like making Ramadan cards. I met a sprightly elderly Sudani lady who lives around the corner and comes for EVERY Jama’ prayer in the Masjid. She knows her Pakistani neighbors so well she’s even learnt some Urdu from them. One time I heard her speak to them and was so stunned, she winked at me and told me she knew how to speak my ‘Hindustani’ too! Yes, even the Hafiz that leads the prayers here is amazing. He is also blind.

Now you just can’t get that anywhere and I’ve been to Mosques around the world and can testify. It may be the best kept secret that an Iftar at an inner city American Masjid is as interesting as walking into a cafe in Casablanca in the 30s. Just as mysterious, with many shady characters, each one with their own story, you never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll experience. And don’t worry there’s no guy with a patch and a parrot on his shoulder either! You may have to watch your purse a little more closely, but these are the people Allah will save. The uncle with the Jaguar or the doctor who hurries outside when their beeper goes off at the other Mosques, hmm all good of course. I’ll still go to other Mosques, but raising my hands for the Witr Dua with the wife of the custodian of the Mosque on one side and the young daughter of a Muslim prisoner (unjustly) on the other, I feel like if it is somewhere, it is here Allah would answer my prayers.

Amazing people I really admire…

Recently I had the opportunity to sit in front of four amazing famous speakers at ISNA and it started me thinking about the people I really admire in this world, so here they are….

Admiration

Sh. Qaradawi – Dude, ppl talk about the mujaddid of this age and they bring up all these hard core hadith scholars and Iranian shah or someone. But this is the real thing right here. Sh. Qaradawi has vision, he has knowledge and above all he has wisdom. There is a reason ppl make fun of him and call his book “halal wal halal” because he’s just cool like that. They can’t stand it But seriously, all you have to do is read one of his books or hear him speak. He may make things easier for the people, but he continues to be straight with the principles of Islam and Quran. This is the best kind of scholar, which keeps everything including the personal circumstances of people in mind and modern times, and brings us back to the real Sunnah. Read any of his books like Priorities of the Islamic Movement in the Coming Phase and you’ll just be…illuminated! You’ll breathe a sigh of relief and say finally someone making sense about Islam with real vision! He makes Islam so cool and amazingl!!

Dr. Ingrid Mattson – Here is a scholarly woman who has broken new ground by becoming ISNA’s first woman president. And the thing is she did it by just being herself. She isn’t loud or opinionated or pushing for things or trying to be motivating through her speeches. She said once that from childhood she was always a melancholy serious person and that’s what she is. She’s quiet and serious and makes excellent scholarly speeches that have more depth to them than most others. I think she’s awesome.

Suhaib Webb – I mean how can you not? DJ from the Midwest turns Azhari scholar. It’s got tabloid all over it But really he’s someone that’s following a certain path and you can just see the bright sparks trailing behind him. I can’t think of any other Da’ee that’s trying to bring Islam to the youth using today’s technology. I’m just waiting any day now for when he gets twitter

Sh. Mokhtar – I could write a book here, but suffice it to say there is no-one like him. He’s like salafi/sufi all mixed in with a feminist side, lol. Does that explain it? There’s no other scholar I know who is more pro-women and fair to sisters. There’s no one with more spirituality and love for the prophet and the Quran and the sunnah. There is no one in the world I would rather go to with my problems or for help. ANDDDd he’s moving back to Albany YAyyyy! My life isn’t over. Thanks

Yusuf Islam – Even before I ever heard any of his music I used to listen to him on the lecture circuit when I was a kid. Back when ICNA was in those weird campuses like Delhi or NYIT he used to come and speak to us. We were always in awe that he was once ‘Cat Stevens’, but we really didn’t know what it meant. In his speeches, he’d talk about peace, love for Islam and helping others. He’s always been the same. Humble, down to earth, laid back, has a sense of humor, cares for humanity, cares for Muslims, wants people to see the real Islam, a father, husband, da’ee, artist, educator, philanthropist. I totally want to marry someone like him, or be him, one or the other

Zarqa Nawaz – Creator of Little Mosque on the Prairie! I know there are a lot of haters out there that are like the characters should be wearing burqah or should be puppets to be Islamic or whatever, but come on. Have you ever seen a non-terrorist Muslim on TV, like EVER?! That is why she’s awesome. She had a creative idea and despite any detractors, Muslim or Non-Muslim, she made it work to the benefit of everyone even if they can’t see it. The show is great and so is she. And when I’m done writing my Muslim version of Pride and Prejudice I’m totally sending it to her!!

Abdullah Yusuf Ali – Yes, the Quran translator! Why? Because every time I read it I think his translation is amazing. His commentary is amazing. His poetry and references are amazing. There’s a reason why his translation is the gold standard no one has been able to touch. He’s a person through which millions of Muslims understand the Divine. I read a biography of his where it talked about how he died alone and penniless. InshaAllah never. He has accrued a million good deeds from all of us.

Zaid Shakir – I remember sitting around a MYNA campfire somewhere while he told his story of how he became Muslim and then when I went to Syria I’d hear all these stories about Imam Zaid riding around all over town on his bicycle attending all these Duroos and how he started the first Eid party for the foreigners. And then he would come to our small town college to help us fundraise when I was at school. Now he’s on the West coast but we still love him because I mean he’s Imam Zaid!

Altaf Hussain/Naeem Muhammad – I hope they don’t read this heh. Altaf I mean is Altaf. Everyone knows, loves and learns from him. He’s traveled up and down the coast to the Midwest, to Cali and back fundraising, speaking and motivating. He reminds me of a young Imam Siraj who I know is also one of his heroes. He is an amazing person MashaAllah. Naeem went to Islamic school his whole life, active in MYNA, now Native Deen and Islamic Relief. Boy has passion or strength or something. Everything he does he does 100%. He’s like the Muslim Hannah Montana. Relief worker by day, rock star at night! Lol Plus both these brother’s wives were once my roommates!!!

Muslim Solidarity Committee – This is a group of non-Muslim Americans in my town who banded together to help the Muslims that the gov’t targeted post 9/11. They have supported the victims for the last 5 years physically and monetarily and continue to work tirelessly for social justice for Muslims. At a time when I have to literally beg Muslims to help in any way or to try to do something about what is going on, they are the ones organizing everything, staging protests, talking to the media and politicians, making films and supporting the families.

Sisters X – These are various sisters I met while in Syria. Mostly British they come from all different backgrounds but the one thing they have in common is that they left everything to travel halfway across the world to study Islam. The strength and vulnerability and just character of these sisters is something I think of often. Sometimes I’ll think of something they did or said, or something they taught me or some trip or fun we had. I don’t know what it is but I’ve just never met any sisters like these except there.

Various Husbands – I won’t mention any names, but every time I see something they do for their wife or their kids or their parents or the community, I’m just amazed. They are soo good! Maybe I’m comparing them to all the fob husbands I know or the freak-file guys I interact with on the web, but I’m always filled with admiration for them just for being good men.

Wives of Imams and Speakers – I’ve never met one who I didn’t think was amazing. From Imam Suhaib’s to Imam Zaid’s to my own sister. They’re never in the limelight but everything their awesome husband’s do is to their credit. They take care of the homes, the family, the kids, their husbands and they sacrifice a lot in the way of Islam. I admire them much!

Gosh this list could get endless. I’d add like more amazing anisahs of mine in Syria, a great American daee’ah there, Salahuddin, Muhammad Asad, Ibn Hazm, Malcolm X, Hamza Yusuf, Imam Siraj, Br. Djafer, Rachel Corrie, Sr. Zainab, Scott Ritter, Ghazali, Rumi, tons of poets, sahabah, sahabiyat, prophets, our prophet (s). Who else??

Elizabeth Bennett once said, “The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense.” There are days that I get more and more disillusioned by humanity, with their meanness, their greed, jealousy, evils and selfishness. Sometimes I honestly ask Allah why He created us all when we’re so messed up! So that’s why today I thought I’d do the opposite and try to reaffirm that there are still some good people out there that I love and admire and make Dua for.

Jazaks for reading & coment!!! Let me know who you admire the most and why!!

Ws

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