May 1, 2009 - guest blogs    13 Comments

Food for Thought (special guest blog by Adilah AM)

Retarted Behaviors and the ‘Happy Ending’ by Adilah AM

This past week I found out a friend recently got divorced (it turns out her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive) but what disturbed me the most is that she is currently in a new relationship. Unfortunately this type of relationship hopping is something that I see a lot of girls do and I have never understood it? Yea I guess on a superficial level I understand that some girls need men or need to be in a relationship to feel secure about themselves, that still leaves me wondering why? Why does scoiety aka friends and family, determine a girl’s worth based on whether she’s had a successful male relationship- whether “she’s got a man”? Granted there are a lot of guys who girl hop, marriage hop, divorce hop, etc… But a man could go 5 years (if not longer) and not have anyone bother him about marriage.

I believe that all serious relationships needs some sort of reflecting/ healing period. You can’t tell me that starting a new relationship 3 weeks after a divorce or even a month after an 8 month relationship is normal and especially if you were emotionally attached to the person….feelings don’t die overnight. Maybe part of the reason why these women jump from relationship to relationship is the pressure society places on marriage, love, sex and the “Happy ending”. I can’t tell you how many people a month are like “How are you? …. Don’t worry you’ll get married soon” or (from non-Muslims) “So you can’t have sex till after marriage…..How does that work?” Admittedly I’m a bit jealous of guys, again they can be freakin’ 32 and nobody’s bothering them about marriage.

Another attitude I hate a lot is this notion that your life doesn’t start till after married. “You bought a house?…You’re not married! ….You’re gonna adopt? Don’t you need a husband for that?” (If Angelina Jolie and Madonna can have a billion kids from Africa so can I) “You’re gonna study abroad? …What about marriage?”  “Only bad girls stay out late at night ….nobody will marry you if you have a bad reputation!” and don’t get me started on the retarded importance Muslims place on “reputation”.
Somebody recently remarked “I’m sick of all these songs where the man is singing about how great it is that women are taking care of themselves, it’s sad that men can’t take care of their women”. Since when is a woman providing for herself a bad thing? It reminds me of that Beyonce song “The shoes on my feet – I bought it, the house I live in – I bought it” damn straight! And where did men get the retarded notion (that I dare to say a majority Muslim men hold) that a woman who earns more than their man, who has more education than their spouse is a threat?

Recently I was reading a forum that was discussing this very topic and some guy said “If my wife was a doctor, I’d feel competition with her even if she was totally chill about it. I’d feel emasculated if she made more than me or even just as much as me.” That mentality just boggles my mind, why does manhood have to be defined by how much money you make? Yes the husband is supposed to be able to take care of his wife, but that does not mean that he has to make more than his wife. Manhood should not be defined by retarded things like how much money you make, but rather how well you treat people around you. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying rich husbands aren’t great, I’m just saying that for a man to be able to buy his girl a huge diamond ring, or a nice furnished house doesn’t prove you’re a man. All it proves is that you have money ( and maybe good taste), If your woman is able to buy you a Lamborghini or the Knicks doesn’t make her any less of woman or you any less of a man.

So in conclusion, society aka family, friends, random guy stalkers… need to shut up about marriage, love, sex, and weddings. If I wanna buy my own house – whats it to you? If I don’t want to get married – whats it to you? If I wanna adopt my own kids – whats it to you? If I wanna try every dessert in the world and gain 50 pounds I’m going to….and it’s gonna be fun and I will enjoy it.

happy

(Go Adi! Guess she told you guys…:)  What do u think of her thoughts??)

If you would also like to write a guest blog on any contemporary topic, please let me know!

13 Comments

  • LOL…sooo ADI…MashaAllah…I totally understand where you are coming from and its unfortunate that society has alot to do with how we live our lives and it takes ALOT of effort for someone to go against the ‘norms’ of which ever community we identify ourselves with, be it the women community, muslim, undergrad, the mommy ;) community, etc. And to address your friend who got recently divorce, just because her divorce was ‘finalized’ last week (lets say) doesnt necessary mean thats when her marriage ended. It couldve been the day he started becoming verbally/physically abusive..it couldve been years…and the divorce was a boost for her to start looking forward. Im happy that even though she had a tough marriage, “she is still able to say you know what not all men are like that and ill still give this marriage thing a chance”
    One thing that we have to understand that everyone has their own way of dealing, healing with things and because its not what “WE think we would do in that situation” doesnt mean there is something wrong with it. Not every women/men are built the same. Some men can ‘hop’ around with girls and some men cant and its the same with women.

    Also what makes you think she didnt reflect…everyone has their own way and time of doing that. Some people can get married after ONE meeting and it works but some people cant (ME). So if anything we should always look at things from that person perceptive, people are built different from one another.

    And I would encourage you to do what you have to do, buy your house, eat the different deserts, adopt kids, etc and don’t let friends, family, stalkers, etc distract you, but there will be days where they will and all you got to do is step back and breath and keep on going :)

    Hopefully I wasnt to over the place and my points where clear :x

    peace
    L

  • Adi has always been and will always remain my hero <3. Hahaha, I’m gonna go post on her fb-wall now :D.

  • salaam…
    although i’m a feminist in many ways, and agree with the main crust of what adilah said, i have to disagree. Allah SWT made relationships a certain way, and Allah SWT recommended that we marry, and I

  • omg. i’ve been wanting to adopt for ever! i mean, minus the fact that i can’t even take care of myself and all, it’s SO not fair that i can’t! thank you adi, i’m gonna go adopt now. hahha but no really, great entry =).

  • there’s just some ppl that have this “need” to be married i think, no matter what. i know some guys even that are “separated” i mean not even divorced!! that propose to other girls… i mean they didn’t even wait for the islamic iddah period to be over where they could reconcile…that is there for a reason dudes… what’s up with that??

  • Wow, that was an entertaining entry! Yes, it truly is sad that women are judged by their “Relationship status.” Not only is that a problem in our Ummah, but of course, in society as a whole and at least in my view, causing many young women to be insecure about themselves unless they “have a man.” As a result, some take ill advised action by entering into a relationship (pre-marital or martial) that do more harm than good, just for the sake of having someone.
    Additionally, I don’t know if this insecurity is the underlying cause, but another thing that I dislike is how young Muslims these days are involved with the gf/bf thing – to me it seems they feel its ok, because among other things, it helps them fit in with their peers (non-Muslims); yet, I know there are many other issues at play in this scenario.
    As for the point you bring up Sis J, that’s quite sad that guys do that – I don’t know if I have a decent response for that.
    Personally, I wouldn’t mind if “Mrs. Baba” made more $$ or was more educated than I was and in fact, I’m not afraid to admit, I would hope she’s better than me in several ways :-).
    Anyways, great post, always interested to hear from the “other team” :-)

  • Labin- I have a good understanding of my friends situation and her post-breakup behavior is just appalling, thats just a fact. But we can agree to disagree :)

    Anam & Fariah hahaha join me for dessert?

    WestCoastBaba- Unfortunatly gf/bf are becoming extremely common in the muslim community and even more than alot of muslim youth are losing their shame about having one and thats really scary and I think alot of it has to do with the pressures you mentioned.

    Jannah-that story you told is kinda what inspired this blog-messed up stuff.

  • I would have to agree with the feminist – Br. hsyed, in what he appeared to be expressing.

    If marriage was a neutral matter for humans and not more deeper need, then Allah would not have equated it with a similar need – the neccesity of clothing – through the ayah:
    “They (your wife) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them”

    Nor would we have been taught the du’aa of the Qur’an of:
    “Our Lord! Grant that our spouses and our offspring be a comfort to our eyes, and give us the grace to lead those who are conscious of You.” (25:74)

    Perhaps another wisdom marriage is that it subtly teaches us that we are in need of creation beyond us, and we do not possess in and of our-selves all that brings about our (own?) happiness. Thus teaching us that only Allah is al-Hassib: The Sufficient, The Sufficing and The Self-Sufficient.

    One who feels self-sufficing and believes that their own self, choices and possessions are indispensible to their happiness – can be humbled in a wonderful way through marriage.

    Imam Ghazali even goes on to theorize the benefits of marriage, and the first benefit he states is – the pleasure that comes from marriage is meant to give us a ‘taste’ of what the pleasure of the Hereafter must feel like:

    “Marriage… is to allow humans to experience its pleasures and measure thereby the pleasures of the Hereafter. Should the pleasure persist, it becomes the strongest of all physical pleasures.

    “Conversely fire and its pain are the greatest pains the body can experience. By inducement and intimidation people are led to happiness, which can be achieved only by experiencing pain and pleasure. That which one does not experience by taste is no great endearment for him.”
    http://www.ghazali.org/works/abstin.htm

    In another writing, Imam Ghazali shows that the pleasure of marriage serves as encouragement for seeking it’s infinite equivalent in the Hereafter – and that it is not possible that this earthly pleasure exists without serving the purpose of encouragement for a higher aim:

    “… the pleasure which accompanies it – pleasure which would be unrivaled were it to last – is a harbinger of the promised pleasures in paradise. For to encourage pleasure which one cannot enjoy is pointless.

    “Thus were an impotent male encouraged to seek enjoyment of coitus, or were a young boy encouraged to seek rule and power, encouragement would be to no avail. One virtue of the world’s pleasures is that people wish to see them [pleasures] continue in paradise; thus they are an inducement to the worship of God.”
    http://www.ghazali.org/works/marriage.htm

    A beautiful hadith to keep in heart is the promise of the help of Allah – promised to us by Rasulullah (saw), who said:
    “Allah has taken it as a duty upon Himself to help the one who seeks Nikah.”

  • Correction:
    al-Hassib should be replaced with:
    - al-Ghani: The Self-Sufficient
    and
    - al-Kaafi: The Sufficer

  • I think marriage is important and beautiful, and indeed a trial hence half of our deen. But in our day and age it’s become something else. Almost the be all and end all. Sisters are chosen like brood horses. That is all they live for and who you marry defines everything in your life. Where is the self-development in these young girls. I’ve seen it myself and there is none. What about widows, divorced women, older women with grown up kids, women who never marry, younger girls…it’s like they don’t exist in our society.

    Anyone who bucks the trend like this post illustrates and says wait why is marriage the be all and end all?, what about everything else in the world? why do i have to wait for marriage to be someone or do something? is taken as strange and “going against the sunnah” or haram or whatever else.

  • I dont remember calling myself a feminist….

  • Well, I think it’s only natural for a woman to look for a man who has social status, which basically indicates that he’s a go-getter! So if the man has smaller income than his wife, not only will everyone else see him as the one with a smaller income. But his wife will see him as less attractive.

    About reputation; I mean, it is what it is…if you slip then you simply pay the prize. Whether people judge you or not, it’s irrelevant cos Allah is always there watching.

  • Adilah S.K. was referring to hsyed who said he was a feminist in his comment above^.

    Social status doesn’t necessarily mean the guy is a go getter. He could have just been born into a certain family, been blessed randomly or been born with a silver spoon. It doesn’t always link to being an “ambitious person”. Furthermore sometimes we should be careful about people who are “too ambitious”. There is a reason we were put on the earth and it isn’t to earn social status.

    I don’t look for a guy who has social status and neither do any of my friends. They are looking for a decent guy who is a good Muslim, who has a good personality and is compatible with them. Income is not a big deal. And a few of them do make a little more than their husbands but no one thinks bad of them and I doubt very much she finds him less attractive because of it.

    Reputation has no causal link to real life except speculation. Many people have “bad repuations” because of wack cultural ideas. And some people have “good reputations” when they are just wrong. People should stop judging each other and like you said leave it to Allah because only He Knows everything.