Oct 10, 2009 - islam op-eds    10 Comments

Muslim Etiquette Guide to Life, Money & Modern Dilemmas

muslimetiquette

Muslim Etiquette Guide

to Life, Money & Modern Dilemmas

 

Living in the West, Muslims have had to create their own culture — mixing the old with the new. This ‘Brave New World’ has brought about a whole host of new modern situations and problems. Sometimes it’s hard to decide how much to spend on a wedding gift, what percent to tip at a Muslim restaurant, or even what to pay for a Mahr! What’s a good gift for a new Muslim? What do you say to someone who says their ‘boyfriend’ is Muslim? The dilemmas are endless!!

 

With no Dear Abby or Heloise to help us with our particular situations, it could be a good idea if we started to collate some ideas. (No one has to follow these but it just seems like we should at least have some type of discussion and reference like this and people can think about these things! :))

 

(Note that this is a draft and work in progress and just some ideas. Please comment if you think something is too high/low or agree/disagree. Also let me know of suggestions of etiquettes to add. If you don’t like the idea of a guide at all… that’s OK too. Note that this is not a Fatwa, just general opinions and ideas. Many people may not agree with any of it. Everyone can do what they like of course. Thanks :))

 

Sickness or Death Etiquette:


There are a lot of beautiful Hadith enjoining the visiting of the sick. If someone is sick either at home or in the hospital call the family to find the best times to visit. Bring flowers or something small to cheer up the one who is sick.

Only stay for a very short time like ½ hour. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t overstay your welcome because it puts a burden on the sick and the family.

Don’t ask for every minute detail about the person’s illness. Don’t ask too many questions. (Whatever you do, don’t ask to see the scar unless you’re the doctor! :))

If someone has passed away in a family, it is important to call or write with condolences and Duas as soon as possible. If living nearby, send a nice dish or tray of food, which was the practice of the Prophet (s).

 

Restaurant Etiquette:


When going out to dinner if there is an out of town guest someone should pay for him/her. (There is a lot of great literature in Islam about our Ihsan, kindness and generosity to guests.)

If it is someone’s birthday, special occasion his/her (birthday person’s) bill should be split by everyone else there.

The ages-old question of splitting the bill evenly or letting everyone pay for themselves should be decided on before-hand. One person might order a salad and another filet mignnon!, so be mindful and as long as everyone agrees beforehand it should be OK.

At any restaurant the tip should be 15%. 20% if you’re feeling generous and really liked the service. 10% if service was really bad. Do not under-tip just because it’s a Muslim restaurant. If you don’t feel like tipping, don’t eat out. :) (Restaurants generally underpay workers expecting that tips will make up for it! Think of it as charity or helping the oppressed!)

 

Rishta Etiquette:


If you are going to a girl’s house for a Rishta (a marriage-potential), bring something for the house. Suggestions: Generic ethnic sweets, flowers for the house (not her), Islamic calligraphy, box of chocolates. Never go empty-handed.

 

Dress up, don’t look like a bum. Wear clean clothes that are ironed. For the girl, don’t wear Shalwar Kameez when you never wear it. Wear the type of clothes you usually wear, but dressed up a little.

 

Facebook Etiquette:


Only add someone if you really know them somehow.

Don’t write personal things on people’s wall. (or things they would not like known) It’s not email, use private message.

Do not assume things based on pictures/wall posts. :p

Create private party events using the private secret setting.

Do not post ugly pictures of your friends. Do not post pictures of people who don’t want their pictures up. Do not tag people who do not want to be tagged. Do not put up pictures of people and then block their access to those albums!

Don’t take a million quizzes, or at least don’t make them public. ;) Your friends don’t really need to know which Disney character you’re like, or do they? (I must be Belle btw :P)

1 event=1 album don’t make 6 parts with 300+ pictures. Pick and choose is better.

If you don’t have anything good to say about someone’s status or post, keep it to yourself.

 

Don’t turn off your wall to people unless they are truly strangers. (It’s like building a high fence to keep the neighbors out, not very friendly.)

Don’t use language you wouldn’t want your Momma to hear. These things have a way of getting back to them!

Textspeak only if you’re under the age of 15.

Wedding Etiquette:


Please return the RSVP card as soon as you get it. Estimate if you are going or not. Usually the answer is known right then. If you change your reply or number of people you can always call the family later to inform them. (This is extremely important for planning the wedding, they need to know for the caterers, the hotel, the cake, the favors. Have you ever seen a clown try to make two ponies out of only half a balloon left. Sad I tell ya. ;))

If you wish to add a certain number of relatives, first cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family pets, or any other guests staying with you call the family and ask them if it’s ok for them to attend the wedding as well! (It’s rude to show up with a ton of extra people on the day.)

Never, EVER go to a wedding if you are not invited. Not even as a guest or relative or aunt or best friend or anything.  (Despite reports, the food is not worth the lifelong reputation of being ‘the girl who crashed the Khan wedding’.) (Side note: Weddings are very expensive, the minimumest-ghetto weddings will even cost $30 per person. Every family goes through the agony of trying to cut down their guest list because they cannot afford to invite everyone. And then random people just coming because they want to is really not nice. Think about it please.)

You may attend a sisters-only Mehndi as  a guest of someone who is invited. You may attend a Nikah ceremony taking place in a public Masjid. (Because these are not the wedding and allow for extra people it’s usually OK.)

If you attend a Muslim wedding you should ideally bring a gift of cash of at least $50 ($30 if you can’t afford it), $100 if you are many people or close to the family or $200 if you are a rich doctor uncle! :) (You can add the Desi Witr $1 to each amount if you like. :) Don’t be cheap. It costs a lot more than that to host your family for dinner there. New couples really do need the money. Don’t reduce the amount just because the wedding takes place in a Masjid.)

If the couple has established a registry, you may buy something from the registry of the values mentioned above. (They no doubt wanted to avert the 10 toaster ovens phenomenon! Chaos theorists should look into why this happens. :))

Do not re-gift your old gifts for weddings. Sell them on Ebay or give them to friends. Heck, give them to me, I could use a toaster oven. :) (It is completely tacky and impolite to just regift…especially when the names of the previous couple are still on there in pen. Pppllllllll!!!)

The only time you should go out and buy a gift of your choosing on your own is if you really know the couple and their likes/dislikes. (You’ve looked up their Amazon wishlist.) Also include the gift receipt.

If you are not attending the wedding but were invited by a close friend, please send a small gift. (It is a very nice gesture and hey they might save you a piece of the cake ;))

‘No Kids’ on the invitation means _no kids_. Get a babysitter. Give the grandparents a treat. (I can tell you that I attended a wedding that said ‘no kids’ and a little girl went right up on stage and started screaming and crying at the “Do you take, upon the Quran and Sunnah…” part and the Imam stopped the ceremony. Yeah I now believe parents can get blackballed from weddings, so don’t be one of them!!)

Re: the heated “no boxed gifts” debate. I personally think it’s better to add a polite note indicating you are moving instead or let people know by word of mouth. But I can understand why people don’t want those 14 said toasters or re-gifts.

Gifts should be wrapped or in a bag with a card. (This does not mean a Target bag, but like a real one ;) People have actually received many gifts without having any idea who they were from! Hence, the generic “Thank you for your kind “gift”” on the thank you cards! ;)

BTW ‘thank you cards’ after your wedding, you don’t have to, but it’s a very nice gesture. Kind of brings the whole cards exchange between guests and host to a close.

Unless you’re the king of Saudi writing things like ‘no gifts please only your Duas’ or ‘no boxed gifts, only the pleasure of your company’ (ß mixed messages it’s saying you want money only or nothing??) will not work. This only makes people feel uncomfortable and guilty and they will likely bring something, anything, anyway. Also, asking people to give to a charity instead of gifts?, iffy. (You really trust ppl that much :p) Better to take the money you receive and donate what you wish.

Don’t put the wedding website, email or phone number directly on the invitation card itself. Include an RSVP card. I know people do it, but a card should be classic and timeless. (Kind of like the Imam, no one can pinpoint his exact age in time and the same should be for your card :P)

Dawat Dinner Invitations Etiquette:


If you are invited to someone’s house never go empty handed. Bring something, anything. A little plate of home-made dessert or even a gift for the kids.

Try to be on time to things. Yes we know about the ‘Muslim time’  1 hour late to everything but let’s try to minimize that. If you’re going to be late, call. Conversely, don’t come too early while the host is still running around trying to get ready.

At someone’s house never look in through the windows. Knock and then move to the side or turn around, so that the person inside can look outside and see you without you seeing them. This is the Sunnah (so you avoid seeing something you shouldn’t or spying.)

Don’t ask if the food is Halal or not. Assume it is. Eat what you like, if you don’t like something just leave it.

Don’t heap your guest’s plates with too much food. Insisting on eating more is good but don’t force.

You should say ‘Jazakallah khair’ to the woman of the house who cooked, cleaned and slaved to make the dinner possible. If you are a brother and don’t want to overstep, you can even just say to the husband please thank your ‘family’.

If you are the host, walk your guests to the door and maybe beyond to say goodbye. This is a nice Sunnah as well.

 

Marriage Etiquette:


A good guideline for Mahr can be a minimum of a brother’s 3-month salary. This can include an engagement ring, clothes, and/or jewelry from him. Anything given by the families would be gifts on top of this. It is important that the Mahr not be any extreme amounts but moderate. (The 3 month guideline is a good one. 20K Mahr or a 15 carat diamond might be forever but will your marriage be? Start out with good feelings and within everyone’s means.)

Nikah expenses should be paid by the bride’s family and should take place in her hometown. Walimah should be paid by him (or his family) and take place in his hometown.

Engagement ring should be chosen by her or at least the style.

From her family the groom should be given some nice personal gifts such as a watch and clothes.

Mosque Etiquette:


If it’s Taraweeh and you have kids that you know will disturb everyone, don’t bring them. You can pray at home and you get the same reward and you will not be disturbing 200 women’s prayers. Also try to lobby your Mosque for a ‘mothers with kids’ room.

Turn off your cell phones. Turn off your wack ringtones. Turn off your dings for texts. Turn off your loud vibrate mode. Really isn’t Allah’s call more important?

Don’t stampede like you’ve never seen food before. :D

If you’ve been cooking in the kitchen (with Shaan Masala) change your Jilbab before you come to the Mosque. ;)

Wipe down the sink after you make Wudu, so other people don’t have to clean up after you.

Put your shoes in a proper cubby hole or neatly in the closet instead of thrown all over.

You are responsible for your kids, not everyone else. If you find someone else correcting your child, you should thank them instead of getting upset about it. It is your child’s behavior and you did bring them there! Don’t let them run around wild!

If you come to the Mosque for Iftar, you should stay there for Taraweeh. Why not? Don’t eat too much! It’s really hard to pray when you’re stuffed.

Have quiet stuff for your kids to do if you bring them. Crayons, books. Don’t expect them to behave perfectly with nothing to channel them towards.

For brothers and sisters, wear Islamic clothing. Avoid the skinny jeans, girls and tight short t-shirts, guys! ;) (and everyone — brothers especially please wear clean nice smelling socks :D)

If you are providing food for the Masjid, please remember there are different ethnicities and levels of spice tolerability and ability to eat meats! :)

When Someone Has a Baby Etiquette:


Don’t overstay your welcome at the hospital or the home within the first 2 weeks.

Don’t invite yourself over for dinner.

Don’t use the restroom in the mother’s hospital room, ask where the public restrooms are.

If a mother leaves to breastfeed her baby in another room, don’t follow her!

 

Moral Dilemma Etiquette:

 

How to ask if the meat is Halal/Zabiha at someone’s house?

Islamic etiquette is that you don’t ask. You assume the meat is Halal/Zabiha.

 

What to say when someone says their boyfriend/girlfriend is Muslim?

Just smile and take the opportunity to be polite and make some Dawah. This person is already predisposed to Islam so go for it :)

What’s a good gift for a new Muslim?

NOT asking them their conversion story. ;) Good gifts also include a nice CD set, a pretty scarf, or particularly well-written book on Islam.

What do you do when a think a girl is not properly dressed Islamically?

This is VERY dangerous ground. The best etiquette I suggest is to say nothing. Befriend the sister and encourage her Islamic activities. The rest will work itself out.

How do you correct someone who is doing ‘wrong’?

Sometimes people doing the ‘correcting’ end up doing more ‘wrong’ than right. Your opinion may not always be the only ‘correct’ one. Seriously weigh the consequences before and make sure to do it in private.

What if you just don’t like someone that’s Muslim?

Not every Muslim will be your bff. ;) Everyone has different likes, dislikes, interests, personalities and disposition. Know the person is your sister/brother in Islam and be mature enough to treat them politely.

 

What do you do when you receive a gift?

You should open it in front of the person and appreciate it in front of them.

What do you do if you’re a brother and see a sister carrying a lot of things?

You should help her. Don’t worry she won’t think you want to marry her. This is basic decency. The same if a sister is lost or needs help with something.

How do you greet a couple?

Say a polite Salam and nod to the wife or husband of your friend as well. If s/he doesn’t want to talk to you they’ll leave. It’s impolite to just ignore the spouse or think they’re invisible.

When should you ask if someone is pregnant?

Never ever.

When should you comment that someone has gained weight?

Never ever.

What do you do if you see someone not wearing Hijab who normally does?

Ignore it and treat it as normal.

What do you say to an auntie trying to pump you for gossip?

Run. As far and as fast as you can! ;)

Can you get together with your friend’s ex-Rishta?

Yes, you can but let your friend know first politely. And know that you might be sacrificing your friendship.

 

What language should you speak among multiple people?

If there’s more than one language being spoken, keep everyone in the conversation, don’t speak only one native language that only a few know.

What do you do if you suspect someone is an FBI informant?

Inform all Mosque leaders and let them deal with it. Other than that smile and carry on as usual, the person just might be normally weird. Be careful about being drawn into conversations that could be misconstrued like on America, the war on Terror, Jihad, etc etc.

 

How do you ask people personal questions?

Never ask ‘so when are you getting married’, ‘so when are you having a baby’, ‘so when are you having the next one’ unless you are intimately acquainted with the ppl you’re asking. Just don’t.

Should a bro/sis say Salam to a lone person of the opposite gender?

It’s always good to say Salam. The brothers should take it upon themselves to say Salam and keep on walking. Sisters can return the Salam or nod and just keep going as well.

What should you do when you are doing Dua/reading Quran or something else right before Iftar (or just in the Masjid) and someone is trying to talk to you?

Just smile politely and answer their question/remarks/Salaams and then pointedly but politely say ‘Oh I just have to finish my Quran/Dua… I’ll be right back in a bit’.

Index of some related Hadith


(Look these up in your Hadith software to find authenticities and Tafseers.)

The Prophet Muhammad (s) said:

  • Humility and courtesy are acts of piety.
  • There is not any Muslim who visits another in sickness, in the forenoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till the evening; and there is no one who visits the sick, in the afternoon, but that seventy thousand angels send blessings upon him till daybreak, and there will be a pardon for him in Paradise.
  • Feed the hungry and visit a sick person, and free the captive, if he be unjustly confined. Assist any person oppressed, whether Muslim or non-Muslim.
  • A believer who condoles with his brother on a bereavement will be dressed by Allah in the robes of honor and glory on the Day of Resurrection
  • Make food for Ja’afar’s family as they are distracted by the event. (death)
  • He who believes in one God, and a future life, let him honor his guest.
  • Whoever believes in God and the Hereafter must respect his guest; and whoever believeth in God and the Hereafter must not incommode his neighbors, and a Mumin must speak only good words, otherwise remain silent.
  • It is not right for a guest to stay so long as to incommode his host.
  • God is pure and loves purity and cleanliness.
  • To every young person who honors the old, on account of their age, may god appoint those who shall honor him in his years.
  • Verily, to honor an old man is showing respect to God.
  • It is of my ways that a man shall come out with his guest to the door of his house.
  • To gladden the heart of the weary, to remove the suffering of the afflicted, hath its own reward. In the day of trouble, the memory of the action comes like a rush of the torrent, and takes our burden away.
  • He who helped his fellow-creature in the hour of need, and he who helped the oppressed, him will God help in the Day of Travail.
  • Whoever is kind to His creatures, God is kind to him; therefore be kind to man on earth, whether good or bad; and being kind to the bad, is to withhold him from badness, thus in heaven you will be treated kindly.
  • Verily, a man teaching his child manners is better for him than giving one bushel of grain in alms.
  • Shall I tell you the very worst among you? Those who eat alone, and whip the slaves, and give to nobody.
  • When anyone was sick Muhammad used to rub his hands upon the sick person’s body, saying, ‘O Lord of mankind! Take away this pain, and give health; for Thou art the giver of health: there is no health but You, that health which leaves no sickness.’
  • The best of persons in God’s sight is the best amongst his friends; and the best of neighbors near God is the best person in his own neighborhood.
  • The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has never found fault with any food. If he liked it, he would eat it, if not he would just leave it.
  • The son of Adam (man) has never filled a vessel worse than his stomach. If there is no way out, let there be a third for his meal, another for his drink and another for his breath.
  • A man invited the Prophet (s) to a meal along with four other people. A man followed the Prophet.. At the door, the Prophet (s)  said to the host: “This man has come with us: If you permit, he will come in; if not he will go back.” The host said: I give him my permission, O Allah’s Messenger.”
  • You will never enter Paradise until you become believers, and you will not become believers until you love each other. Shall I guide you to something that makes you love each other? Spread greetings with peace among you.
  • Quran: When you are greeted with a greeting, reply with a better one or return it..
  • If there are three of you, never should two of them talk without the third until you mix with other people, for this would grieve the third.
  • One man belched in the presence of Allah’s Messenger, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, upon which the Messenger said to him: “stop belching, The biggest eaters in this worldly life will be the hungriest in the Hereafter.”

 

 

Other Good Guides:


Gallantry, Generosity and Gentlemanly Grace- A guide for Muslim brothers. (Bro, I actually wrote my guide before yours in the summer! Great minds think alike~!)

The Urban Etiquette Handbook – A hilarious guide to living in a huge City

P.S. Thanks to all those that contributed to this list and helped write the various sections, including Madina members and particular Facebook friends!

10 Comments

  • Mashallah!! this is really good, i’ve read half so far i’m going to finish reading inshallah and then give my input

  • salam

    I think these are great!! Have you given any thought to publishing them!! You may expand it a bit to turn it into a nice booklet. Some stuff you can add…

    etiquette of :

    -difference (in opinion that is – Mohammad al-shareef gave a course on this)
    -turning down a proposal/potential spouse
    -treating or dealing with parents
    -going to the masjid/friday prayer
    -finding/returning a lost object
    -visiting someone’s home (especially if you have kids)
    -attending a janazah / going to the cemetary
    -travelling
    -dealing with kids (not your kids)
    -going to a public washroom (clean after yourself!! don’t put your feet in the sink!!)
    -attending an aqiqah

    I love the art work at the top – is it original stuff?

    I think lots of muslims and non-muslims would appreciate these tips.

  • Hi! 3 months mahr, wedding location “nikkah = woman’s hometown”,not bringing gifts to potential to potential girl rishta,are alot of things i see with desi people and not so much with American muslims.

    So its a little weird to be titling the blog as “Muslim etiquette” becasue it implies that only muslims come from the indian subcontinent. Maybe a more accurate title would be “Good Etiquette Guidelines”.

  • I love it! Most of it may be simple common sense, but it’s good to read and sort of understand ‘why’ we do the things we do. Thank you sis.

  • Thanks Umm Aboodi & Lina! I found a lot of interesting Hadiths and Islamic literature on many different topics that I didn’t know about. It would be a good project to write something on “Islamic Etiquettes from Quran and Sunnah”. Maybe I’ll think about that for a future article :)

    Adilah Hmm 3-months mahr is a suggestion I made up not a tradition of anyone’s. In the US and abroad in Arab countries I’ve seen the tradition of Nikah’s at the bride’s home and Walimah’s at the groom’s so it’s definitely not an Indian sub-continent thing. As I said, however ppl want to do things is up to them. This is just a traditional etiquette I’ve seen across a broad spectrum of Muslims from all different backgrounds. The bringing gifts thing to a Rishta seems to be iffy. Some Desis commented and said they don’t bring anything because they feel it might add some pressure on the Rishta but other’s said it’s incredibly rude for a prospective to show up with nothing.

    As for “Muslim Etiquette” please read the disclaimer at top in red.

  • please post genuine suggestions/ideas/criticisms. anything else will be deleted. (especially from the same ppl posting as multiple people) thanks.

  • salamualaikum!

    spectacular post Jannah! well-written mashallah. Maybe you really should consider compiling a written + published guide of sorts for American Muslims that incorporates the best of Western etiquette along with timeless, universal Muslim manners. It would be a fantastic idea. The average Muslim man in North America definitely needs to step up his class a few notches.

    Also, in response to what Adilah said – if you look around, the 3-month rule is also found in Western culture; its often suggested, as a rule-of-thumb, that the wedding ring be equal to about one quarter [three months] the man’s annual salary. There is some debate as to who made up that rule, some people say the diamond companies [De Beers, etc] made it up for their own benefit.

  • Great Post!
    I just wanted to add one thing about pictures and facebook.
    -Make sure it’s ok with the parents when you post pictures of their children to facebook.

    Mostly I’m ok with people posting pictures of my kid (because he’s pretty cute!), but I had a very cute picture to post of him that I took in the hospital. I wanted it to be the first one everyone saw, but when I got home from the hospital, I noticed that someone who had come to visit him had already posted a picture of him! The picture they posted was equally as cute, but I still wanted to have the chance to post about him first.

    Regarding the 3 months mahr thing, the concept is completely new to me, and now I feel like my husband shafted me (haha!). I do believe that the American tradition is that the engagement ring is about 2 months salary, and I did mention this to my husband when we were looking at rings (before marriage, I was a pretty straightforward bride, I’m lucky I didn’t scare him off!).

    Oh and another thing:
    -If you’re sick, please don’t visit newborns or other sick people. They have very weak immune systems, and even though you may just have the “sniffles’, or a ‘dry cough’ these can be devastating to a baby or a person already sick.
    -If you are not sick, and are visiting a newborn or a sick person please be sure you wash your hands before you pick up the baby, or touch the sick friend. Even if you’re not sick you may have germs on your hands that can kill! Also, wash your hands after you’re done with these things too!!

  • Sister Jannah! – This was one of your best posts ever! i really like the Moral Dilemma section – it was very helpful. Also, as always, it was very entertaining – I’ve always liked you sense of humor, ma’sha’allah, makes the read that much easier. :-) Overall, lot of great points and I think many can and will benefit from these; indeed, you should make it into a booklet or some form of literature.

  • PB2A Very Good Job Allah U Akbar!