I’m a big fan of sci-fi films, shows and literature. I love reading about fantastic futures, utopian or apocalyptic, about things like time-travel and scientific conundrums. In many movies there seems to be a point where the story changes, decisions are made, or fate intervenes. There’s a sliding subway door and the person’s life is completely different depending on whether they go through it or miss it. Data notices that there’s three buttons on the commander’s shirt and that snaps them out of the endless time loop that ended with the destruction of the Enterprise every time. It’s that moment the butterfly is stepped on in the past and everything in the future changes because of it.
Right now I know my life isn’t at the place where it’s supposed to be. It’s like it’s gone off the rails somewhere and is in this strange place. I have tried to think back over my life to figure out where I made the mistake. What could I have changed? Where is that one decision I made that if I could go back and change it, everything would be different. Then the following series of reactions would change the end result. But I’ve tried and tried and I can’t find one.
Every decision I’ve made, every step, path or choice, I can’t think how I could have changed it. Yes, I’ve made the wrong decisions, made mistakes I regret, hurt people along the way, not been up to par religion wise and in so many ways, but I can’t find that moment where I could have changed what I did and made a different decision. They were all made in the circumstances of that time and were the best decisions I could have made at the time, mistakes and all. I could not have changed them.
It’s like, thinking back, there’s this inevitable wave of life that has pushed me this far, to this point. Perhaps it is Qadr. It’s brought me to here. Even if I don’t like here, at least I have solace in knowing I couldn’t have done anything differently to get to any place else.
Real life, unfortunately, isn’t as cool as sci-fi. But I do wish there was a reset button where I could start all over again from the beginning! And maybe this time fate or Qadr would be kind enough to bring me in a different direction.