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Author Topic: What if it never happens?  (Read 4656 times)

Anonymous

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What if it never happens?
« on: Mar. 09, 2009, 10:27 AM »

salam alaikum

What if you never get married?  Is this something anyone has thought about?

I mean the "normal" thing is to get married, have kids, have grandkids..etc

But what if you never get to be married in the first place?  How many of us have not only thought about it, but made peace with the fact that maybe we are never destined to be married?  And it is OKAY, because it is Allah's Will, and inshaAllah, He will reward us...

I am 30. For a long time it worried me a LOT.  Then I guess with the kind of rishtas I was getting, I really couldnt envisage having those guys as my husband, my leader, the father of my kids... so alhamdulillah for everything.  My community is basically split on sectarian lines, and I fit in with no particular group...so it makes things harder...

I guess, alhamdulillah, for me it is better to not be married, than to be married to someone whose Islamic integrity I do not respect, and to have my kids be influenced by that as well.

random thoughts here...anyone else feel the same?
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #1 on: Mar. 09, 2009, 11:46 AM »

I have thought about it. Everyday probably for a number of years. But I don't want to believe that I'll never get married. I don't think I can ever come to terms with that. Even if it never happens at least I can live with some hope even though it makes me miserable to always be hoping for something that never happens.
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #2 on: Mar. 09, 2009, 07:47 PM »

Walaikumusalam,

I am at the opposite end of the spectrum where I actually don't want to get married. I have a career and can't see myself being a stay-at-home type of person. The only thing that pushes me to get married is that it is socially expected in our Muslim community that a women be married once she has reached the right age.

I know many sisters who are intelligent, beautiful and devoted to their religion in their 30s wanting to get married but unfortunately getting unsuitable rishtas. I think people in our community try to fit everything into boxes. If you have the right education, looks, age, height etc. only then will they want to approach you for marriage.

I think every girl should settle for her version of a Mr Darcy and nothing less although I don't know where being realistic fits into this.
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Eemo

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #3 on: Mar. 09, 2009, 10:14 PM »

I guess those thoughts go through everyone's minds especially the closer you get to 30. For some, it can be a scary place to be.
I've always said to myself that i'll just 'settle' if i get to a certain age and am not married, things can always work out.

On the flipside, however, i dont blame you for holding out for the right person. :)
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Muslimah21

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #4 on: Mar. 09, 2009, 10:42 PM »

Salaam sis


I agree i would never compramoise my faith for a man, i woudl rather stay single. but instead of remaining single i would move away, to a new community. there are pleanty of fish in the sea. there are lots fo practcing men, and unfortunatly sometimes live far away, but isnt it worth all the hassel, and marriage is a test, half our deen comes with alot of tests of its own.
I have that probelm in my own community of arabs. alot of single attractive men, who are ok to look at. but thats about it. lol
I am not compatible with any of them. my mother thinsk its fairly strange, she said to me as long as they fast, pray and pay zakat what is the problem. and i told her fo rme that is the bare minimum which means the brother will need to do alot more then that to actually make the shortlist lol.
so i know i cant and wont amrry any of the brothers from my community as we are not compatible, im lookign for soemone strong in dee, some one who can stimualte me intelectually, and challange my ideas and thoughts. not someone who doesnt want to discuss islam doesnt want to wake up for fajr, doesnt want to act like a muslim basically.

If that means ill be alone forever so be it, but i do know that there is someone out there for us, allah knows who is bets for us and who is made to be our partner, its just soemtiems we never meet them, maybe becuase we took a differnt path in life and our paths never crossed or maybe becuase we decided not to go to the mosque one day and on that day he was there but you werent.

There is a poem i read a whiel ago about this actuall matter, and it was quiet sweet in one part where it said that "if we don't meet in this life time then inshallah we will be togther in the life after death" which i thought was very sweet.


Anyway dont give up sis :D
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #5 on: Mar. 09, 2009, 11:33 PM »

I have thought about it. Especially when I see another person getting married. If it never happens, Alhumdulillah. It is from Allah.
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Jeremy

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #6 on: Mar. 11, 2009, 03:50 AM »

Part of being a Muslim is accepting whatever life throws at us as fate from Allah (SWT), and as the prophet (pbuh) says that all Muslim's matter is good for him, we either thank Allah for his bounties in this life, or be patient when hardships hit, and we are rewarded either way.
I don't think that making peace with not getting married is part of who we are. Muslims should never lose hope, and always work to achieve what would bring them happiness in this life and the hereafter, and marriage is just an example. We remember from the story of Yousuf (pbuh) how his father advised his children never to despair from Allah's mercy "Truly no one despairs from Allah's soothing mercy except those who have no faith" (13:87)
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reeldeel

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #7 on: Mar. 17, 2009, 11:55 PM »

If it never happens then it never does, and thats what Allah planned, and a good muslim/muslimah will know that there is khair in it. Perhaps that other half of your deen is the half you fail and Allah saves you from it. Rather than getting married and loosing the spouse for what ever reason and loosing your patience you stay single for life, devoutly making to dua to find Mr/Ms Right but only end up elevating your iman and status in Jannah.

On the other hand if it never happens it's your fault. You could always settle. Cuz who ever you are, you can always find that brother/sister that is less attractive/intelligent/wealthy/pious or what ever else you are looking for and al lot more desperate than you to find a spouse. I guess this leads us back to the Settling? post.
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Jeremy

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #8 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 02:37 AM »

reeldeel, I guess I am confused, so if it never happens, is this what Allah planned, or is it my fault? Or do you mean that somehow it is both at the same time? Some clarification please... thank you!
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reeldeel

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #9 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 12:02 PM »

Yeah it can be a bit confusing, Devine Decree and Destiny that is. Am not sure if I fully understand it myself. Its like everything has been written in the Lawhul Mahfooz, everything that we are going to do and everything that is going to happen, yet still we are given the free will to do as we wish and be judged.

So basically, jump in front of a truck and get smashed, it was your choice but it had been written already. Similarly if it never happens, the only way I see that happening (it never happening) is if one chooses to never settle, same thing, your choice but, its been written.

I think it’s a Hadith I’ve heard (not quite sure) that goes something like, the life of a mu’min will be laid out in front of him on yaumul qiyama as he’s asked if theirs anything he would want to change, and he’d say ya Allah everything is perfect the way it happened. So I guess if one sticks to the deen, the best possible course in Allah’s infinite wisdom takes place.

I hope I’ve clarified your confusion Jeremy or at least my own.
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brisingr9

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #10 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 04:07 PM »

ITS TRUE EVERYTHING IS ALREADY WRITTEN BUT ONLY PRAYERS CAN CHANGE IT. SO WE AS BELIEVERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN AN OPPURTUNITY TO CHANGE THINGS. REMEMBER ALL GOOD IS FROM ALLAH AND ALL EVIL IS THE REFLECTION OF YOUR OWN SINS.THAT MIGHT CLARIFY YOUR DOUBT JEREMY..
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #11 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 04:35 PM »

This is some type of unnecessary thinking, because of all your anxiety about tomorrow and you're thinking. For instance, like "Gee, what if it never happens?"

I mean, enjoy life and live in the moment... hence don't worry & be concerned about tomorrow.

So basically try to stop the illusion of seeking fulfillment in the future and begin to be satisfied where we are/with what we have and who we are insha`Allah.

Peace,
Siham
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #12 on: Mar. 19, 2009, 03:32 AM »

Sometimes anxiety and fear is GOOD because it leads us to action. I think it's important to do things. We can't just do nothing and expect Allah to hand us everything on a golden plate. We have to tie our camel? too. We have to do our part and I think we should think about "what if it never happens" and decide how we feel about that and if we want to change it. Just enjoying life and living in the moment is ok every so often, like after you've done the work... that's when you have the tawakkul. But you don't go through live just" enjoying and living in the moment", you'd get nothing done!!
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Anonymous

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #13 on: Mar. 19, 2009, 03:03 PM »

Well, sure you take actions, but first you accept where you are at the moment, and then you take action... by this your action no longer arises out of negativity, becuase when you are in a state of negativity or resistance, your action is not empowered and hence it's not inspired and much less effective than action that comes out of a state of nonresistant. 
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hitmark

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Re: What if it never happens?
« Reply #14 on: Aug. 02, 2010, 11:54 AM »

There is my teacher having same problem, he is about 32 to 35 and also have some financial problem. But I personally think that one should not consider problems. I see many families having lot of problems but still facing them and live with love and respect. What are problems with you that you not yet married.
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