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Author Topic: Most important things you've learned over the years...  (Read 9950 times)

Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #15 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 09:48 AM »

Yeah, i have to say that saying really bothers me too. (sorry)
But jazakalla for your words of wisdom, it means alot.

I do think though, that if there wasnt so much parental pressure or the affinity to culture instead of deen, it would be so much easier for all of us to get married.

So the choice then remains, is that you either wait until you find someone that matches what you are looking for and somewhat meets your parents expectations, or you just go all out for what you want, regardless.

Im stuck somewhere in the middle having contemplated both.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #16 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 02:42 PM »

Well brother you are lucky.

I was listening to a lecture by shiekh yassin. and he said for every man there is 3 women. Menaing there are more women then men.
SO it should be easy fo ryou to find a wife. and its harder for women :(

He said this becuase he feels men should be taken at least 2 wives, otherwise there will be women who will never get married :( and thats true. if there is 3 women to one man... only one women will get married the other two will grow old and die alone. thats quiet depressing when you think of it.

Well my brothers went for what they wanted and eventually they got there in the end and my parents came around. So i think that has only given me strength to stick to my requirements. Becuase i know my parents will see what i see and come around to it. its sometitmes pride and stuburnous. which both my parents have more so my mother, what a suprise lol.

I think bro you should go with a sister who has the deen & character, regardless of where she is from. thats what i think anywho.

jazakallah khier
:D
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Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #17 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 03:12 PM »

Well im not going to say its easy, cos otherwise i wouldnt be on this board in the first place, but yes, i do agree that deen and character are most important. Thats exactly what im looking for.

But i have circumstances of my own that have put some sisters off me (non islamic related) so that doesnt help either.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #18 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 04:09 PM »

Well thats their loss brother. If it was islamic related then fair enough. But if not well each to thier own.

I know it's not that easy sorry, i should know that too. But becuase there are more women you got more of a choice and options. unlike us sisters :P
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #19 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 07:00 PM »

I agree with muslimah21, defintely more single women than single men it seems!

As for dealing with parents and culture, alhamdullilah my parents are very open minded and only have requirements based on the deen. However I myself have my own requirements as well, and one Im ashamed to say is physical i.e. their height. lol I'm tall so I really couldnt imagine myself with someone shorter than me! 

Also, why does it seem that when you find some religious guys, they are lacking financially. I'm not talking about earning alittle bit of money, I'm talking about having no job and sitting in the mosque all day and not even looking for work. I mean realistically, if your looking to get married, you have to atleast have the capacity to provide the basics: food, shelter, clothing. That is even in the Quran, that men who want to get married but do not have the means should fast, they shouldnt be trying to get married.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #20 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 11:48 PM »

Correct sis.

men who cant afford wives should noy be looking. I know what you mean about the religious guys having no jobs. its sooo hard. i mean how would you live? In the mosque? and have your kids grow up and live in the mosque? lol living off zakah fro people. hmmm no thats not right.
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Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #21 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 11:55 AM »

To the both of you...

What if the brother is in a position right now to only pay for food and fuel etc, but not in a position to provide shelter/accommodation.
Would you consider a brother like that? Say maybe do the nikah till he's financially more able?

Yes, i am talking about myself. What you wrote just really scared me. Im not someone that is sat in the mosque or on welfare or sadaqah. I have a business that i run, but times are hard.

I guess what i really liked about the girl that i spoke to recently, was that she was open to that kind of arrangement. Thats not to say that im not acutely aware of my responsibility as a protector and provider, but im really just enquiring if there is any hope for a person like me. Im not getting any younger, and i have plenty to offer in other ways.
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Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #22 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 11:56 AM »

*sorry.

I meant "...do the nikah, but move in together when he's financially more able".
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sheikh87

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #23 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 08:20 PM »

Here's an even more reasonable idea to consider, especially for wali's. Since alot of guys that are not able to deal with the $ aspect of getting married want a wife for obvious reasons, I think it is responsible to not agree to that so simply. I think it is rather fair to make a condition (which happens during the contract with the two witnesses present and is mentioned in the nikaah contract at the time of nikaah) hat the husband won't be able to have bed relations with the girl until he provides a place for her.

What do you all think about that?
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #24 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 10:54 PM »

Salam,

Sorry for scaring you brother but the reality of the situation of most women is that we dont want to be married and just sitting in our family's house waiting for the guy to get it together. Thats not ideal, however, some women would not mind.

Personally, I have a well paying job and if the person could not financially provide at the moment but is working really hard and about to be able to earn more financially in a very short period (like about to graduate and get a degree) I wouldnt mind paying but he would have to acknowledge that what I am doing is a gift and not an obligation. At the end of the day it depends on the situation but an immediate red flag for me is not being able to provide the basics.

Also, I recently studied the book of marriage, and I learned that the mahr (dowry) makes the husband halal for the wife (to have relations). So if it is not paid the wife has the right to deny or the wife can make an arrangement for it to be paid later or she can forgive the entire amount if a couple of years in the marriage she decides to.

Also sheikh87, that seems like a good condition because it would protect the integrity of the woman and also motivate the husband to quickly provide an accomodation and not just take his time.
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Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #25 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 11:00 PM »

OK, well i do understand the situation of the women. Its clearly not ideal for them to be waiting for the guy to get the act together.
Its just unfortunate if you have a situation when you do have someone that is genuinely working hard but struggling to meet the basics for various reasons.

As for me, i guess it might be wise if i was just to stop looking.
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #26 on: Sep. 03, 2009, 11:21 PM »

I think the solution to just stop looking is not islamic either.

Make dua that Allah will improve your financial situation.

Also, there are some women who would not mind waiting until you are settled and others that want guys who struggling financially since they see more khair in that than having wealth because it could lead to fitna.

I think the key is as long as you are atleast trying to better your situation than that is what matters. Allah SWT knows best.
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Eemo

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #27 on: Sep. 04, 2009, 08:54 AM »

Encouraging words jazakallah.
Please also pray for me, things are difficult.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #28 on: Sep. 04, 2009, 11:00 PM »

Eemo i didnt mean it that way, dont feel hopeless by the situation. I think if the guy is trying to earn money thats a different story. i think i just have to look at my parents and see how they started married life. with nothing. they didnt own anything. they lived with my grandad until they got a council house and were earning.

So you will find someone who will not see it as an onsticle and just be ahppy to be with you. Its a different story when the guy isnt even trying to look for work and expects hand outs. thats not a good thing.

wallah for me, if the right man came along i would not hold his financial situation against him. Loose a great guy just becuase he doesnt have his own place and couldnt buy fancy things. i suppose thats my upbringing so i am more aware of those who live like that.
Hardship really does make people better and stronger. well not everyone but alot can be learnt.

anywho dont give up ok. But dont compramise your requirments for a girl. if she doesnt practice dont give her a second look. Drop her like a bad habit lol.

jazakallah khier
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sheikh87

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #29 on: Sep. 04, 2009, 11:18 PM »

The greatest thing I learned through hardship is that sometimes you have to settle for stuff you really don't want in order to get great things in that come only in the future after long time of patience.
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