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Author Topic: Most important things you've learned over the years...  (Read 9940 times)

halfmydeen

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Most important things you've learned over the years...
« on: Nov. 10, 2008, 11:59 AM »

Please share.  :P
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Egyptian Muslimah

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #1 on: Dec. 20, 2008, 05:56 AM »

Salamu Alaikum! I just came across this site and i decided to join. It has really good topics! So one of the most important things I have learned over the years ( I was recently engaged to a very nice muslim gentleman, he was egyptian like me, born n raised here like me and we had soo much in common. he was everything i wanted in a spouse or so I thought. Things were shaky at first but my parents went along with it, later problems arose and i realized that if i wanted to pursue with this marriage it was going to affect my relationship with my parents.

 I was constantly felt I was being put in the middle between my then fiance and my parents till the point where I couldn't stand it. ( I kept worrying about how to please them both all the time).

From the start he was already disrespecting my parents and I could only imagine what he would start doing next if we got married. I realized that if he truly cared for me ( by the way im in new jersey and I agreed to move half way clear across america (California) for him and its not like he had a dream job or anything, he was still in school) and if he wanted to me to be happy he would have respected them and not have been plain out rude right to their faces.

In the end, (especially you gurls out there, your parents are the ones who truly want the best for you and that cannot compare to what your spouse would want for you. So long story short, parent approval is a big deal and it will make sooo many things easier.

Also I didnt just take decision to leave my fiancee blindfoldedly I performed salat istakhara many times and I was very patient for many months hoping things would get better but it didnt. It was not easy for me cuz I finally felt I found that true practicing muslim I always wanted. Like we say in the arab world kul shi ism wa naseeb, so if it was meant to, it would have happened regardless of any obstacles, wa Allahu Alaam. everyhting happens for a reason.

So basically girls if a guy doesn't respect your parents, he'll never respect you!

Sorry for the long message, I'd love to hear other people's experiences and any comments to my post
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jannah

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #2 on: Dec. 21, 2008, 07:46 AM »

Walaikum Salaam!

Thanks for posting. Since this site is brand new it might take awhile for people to get into the discussion, so just be patient :)

I think the most important thing I've learned over the years are that there are two types of guys: 1. is ready to get married to you and 2. is not. The VAST MAJORITY are #2 (especially the ones u like most of the time unfortunately). The trick is to figure out which is which and not get your heart broken.

I've seen it happen over and over again with girls my age (almost every single girl in my friends circle) and all the way down to younger 16-17 year olds. Allah put this need in us to be close to the opposite sex. So, somehow or other we get involved with someone, or start talking to someone, or 'liking someone'. We casually talk to them or even worse develop a 'semi-relationship' with the expectation that it will lead to marriage one day. A lot of times brothers however think it's just a friendship, or worse yet he continues the relationship because of that need for 'female companionship' consciously or unconsciously. Some even continue it with the thought 'oh well i can always marry her if no one else comes along'. Some continue it thinking they will convince their own families to accept you later on.

But let's be honest with ourselves. If he 'can't get married right now' what makes us think he will be willing to marry us 2-3 years down the line. What makes us think he is independent from his parents and that they will accept us with open arms? What makes us think that he won't change his mind, meet someone else, or a million other things.

Learn from my generation's mistakes sisters!

Don't get into that type of relationship. Please. Just don't. Find someone who is ready and willing to marry you and has their family's blessing right now. Don't wait around for 'brother maybe' (no matter how much u like and admire him).

I can give you story after story....

A sister met this guy in high school... went through all of college together with intentions to marry... in the end he marries his cousin.

A sister met this guy and he proposed and said his family would come around. 2 years later they still threaten to disown him and he decides to drop the proposal.

A sister talked to this guy for a year and in the end he says he 'can't get married right now', yet is busy looking for someone else to marry.

A sister is interested in this brother for years. She is everything he wants but in the end says sorry I want someone younger because you're too old and I don't want to have kids right now.

A sister talks to a brother for marriage. He is always wishy-washy for months. Turns out later he was already interested in someone else, but continued for the sake of his friends/family.

Anyway sometimes the guy who is interested in you more is better than the guy who you are interested in. So think about it!!

Wsalam
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wainiki

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #3 on: Dec. 27, 2008, 05:19 AM »

Amen sistas Amen...

Dont take being single for granted.

Listen to your heart and your mother.

Dont be someones' option. Be their priority.

Be happy you're not the one married to that loser. Life definitely would have been 'worse'. hehe

Hug and Kiss your parents often.

Take care of yourself, aside from Allah swt, you are #1. No one else is going to watch over you, better than you. :)
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haism007

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #4 on: Feb. 06, 2009, 03:12 AM »

 :) :) :)

you are right  dear  and 

tell u some thing i was  engaged   2  lebnanes  muslim girl  and 
had the same  problem  here 

and 
i do agree  with you  .......................

but 

4 me

if u asking me


if u love some one deeply and truly
and u wont  what u love  so much   u have 2 fight   4 her/him

With little attention to those who love you can win the battle and win a happy life
For example, attention to the things he/she  loves on the other side  very simple
Can be closer to parents and honestly  not    lies or deception and to try to always
Gain satisfaction by understanding the reason for everything and
 love of the life .
 love them  truly worth to stand with  them, and remember they were the reason  ur love(she/he)  is brought 2 life  respect the older  that if u are realy muslim
and that what  true muslim  musketeer does
and remember  u will win 4 parents  :) :) i wish i have  8  :P
Frankly, for me finding   happiness,  can  be by understanding  the beautiful game of life to understand happiness
First, simplicity
Secondly, the truth
III unconditional loyalty
  And God knows  how many i lost qz of my honesty
But I can not give up part of me


take care ,wish u happy life and happy ending ..
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zaheddec

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #5 on: May. 04, 2009, 06:09 AM »

For me frequent relocation ruined everything i believe..

My schooling was in boarding school-- not an issue for marriage :)
Pre-univ and Engineering was at my home town -- Got good contact and ppl would have considered to give daughters
Moved for masters 400 Km away and visited home once a year -- Lost contact back home :(
After masters joined an Engineering Univ. as faculty liked a girl but was affraid as she was just a student and dont know about her parents status.
After six months move for PhD 1400 KM away ----- Lost all contact back at collage.

Three years PhD made contacts with local muslim community and when ppl started talking about my marriage I was kicked out with PhD and an award to make sure I dont come back.

Samsung picked me at award function to further ruin my life.
It tool a year to make contacts with local dead muslim community..

I finally got a chance to meet a muslim sister who is 7 yr older than me and ppl justifying it by giving examples.
Rest of the Muslim sisters are too modern for me or have very less inclination towards following Islam.

When look back and see who can help me, i feel as if most of the people either forgot me or still thinking that and same boy who just left the city..

But I believe my parents and teacher can help me apart from my own search.
The conclusion is that frequent relocation can be big obstacle in finding right partner.

May Allah guide and help us Ameen.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #6 on: May. 06, 2009, 10:16 PM »

I dotn see relocation as an obsticle, you should see it as a good thing. You get to visit different muslim communities, meet muslims and if there is someone worht getting to knwo it will happen. They say that you know 100% if that person is the One for you after 3 months. I mean if you only stay a year in one place that is enough time to get to know people.
What is wrong with getting amrried to an older woman?? huh? My aunt is 5 years older then her husband. No probs there.
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justKhan22

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #7 on: May. 19, 2009, 05:30 PM »

as a couple u may need tocompromise and find a middle ground, u should be able to give mre to ur partner then taking back.
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justKhan22

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #8 on: May. 21, 2009, 02:32 PM »

I say tht though im nt married lol
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Jamilah

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #9 on: Aug. 20, 2009, 05:34 PM »

What would you say to a woman who is in love with a person who did something wrong trying to provide for his children and is now is serving substantial amount of time in prison  ??? Would you encourage her to wait? (Yes the two are devout muslims) Or would you encourage the young lady to forget about the guy and find someone else Insha Allah?
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jannah

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #10 on: Aug. 31, 2009, 10:10 AM »

What would you say to a woman who is in love with a person who did something wrong trying to provide for his children and is now is serving substantial amount of time in prison  ??? Would you encourage her to wait? (Yes the two are devout muslims) Or would you encourage the young lady to forget about the guy and find someone else Insha Allah?

that is one of the hardest questions i've ever heard sister!! that really depends on your circumstances and personal conditions. how long is the time? like 20 years or more? and are they married? and their children are both of their children? lots of questions to think about!!
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a_lina

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #11 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:24 AM »

Salaams,

Most important things....
 Never comprimise your values , especially religious values, when looking for a spouse.
 Never marry a person expecting them to change after marriage.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #12 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:37 AM »

Well said lina, are you living proof of this idology too?

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a_lina

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #13 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:53 AM »

Salams,
 
Quote
Well said lina, are you living proof of this idology too?


Yes, Alhamdolillah, I believe I am.
I did compromise my principles while getting married the first time, somewhat due to family pressure but, largely due to my own hopeles in finding someone with the same values as mine. I was hoping he would change. But, it didn't happen and the marriage broke down in less than a year. Alhamdolillah, a year after that I got married again, this time to a man who had the same values as mine. Alhamdolillah, we have been married just over a year and it is a very strong relationship consisting of mutual love, respect and trust.

Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear and He (SWT) rewards those who are patient. So, my advise is to be patient and keep trying. There are many fish in the sea.
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Most important things you've learned over the years...
« Reply #14 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 01:37 AM »

well said sis!!

But you know for some reason the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" bothers me. Im looking for a real man with deen not any old fish lol
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