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Author Topic: The other way around  (Read 2132 times)

Ponderer

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The other way around
« on: May. 06, 2009, 07:18 PM »

A question for the brothers: how would you feel if a sister approached you for marriage? Would you appreciate it thinking she is being proactive or find it awkward and off-putting?
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Muslimah21

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #1 on: May. 06, 2009, 09:59 PM »

Im nto a brother (as you can see) lol :P

But i dotn see anything wrong with it. i mean i know in my community among the arabs it is seen shameful and when i suggested to my arab girl friends i want to look for someone they raised thier eyebrows in unison, saying its Hashuma (shameful) for a girl to be looking, she should sit at home, waitign for her prince to knock on her door. :S Atagfirallah.... if i did that i will be waiting all my life. lol :S
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reeldeel

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #2 on: May. 08, 2009, 05:36 PM »

What would be really awesome is if I see a sister I want to propose to, do istikhara, and the next day she proposes. Imagine that.

I dont think there is anything wrong with it (unless I know she knows how rich I am, If I were rich that is).
If I knew for sure she's a pious muslimah my answer would be "am ready when ever you are".  It doesnt have to be so direct though cuz if a sister starts speaking to a brother about marriage, he'd probably pick up the message even if there isn't one.
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jannah

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #3 on: May. 09, 2009, 09:11 PM »

I wouldn't recommend it. I know so many cases where it just backfired. It seems like either a brother is interested in you or not and if you keep pushing him it never works out. Yes we know Khadija (ra) was able to do it, but again that was the Prophet!!! Men today have egos and things. I've never seen it work out well. But I'd say that if a sister is interested in someone she should act like she's not and get third parties to work on it  ;)
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Hamza81

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #4 on: Jun. 01, 2009, 07:47 PM »

As already stated it is well known that Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife arranged her own marriage with the Prophet. It is true that this happened before sayyadna Muhammad received prophethood. But if an arrangement by a woman of her own marriage were so shameful in the eyes of Allah as it is in the eyes of some Muslims, then He would have somehow prevented His Messenger from such a marriage. Moreover, there are some ahadith which show that even after receiving prophethood sayyadna Muhammad did not disapprove of women arranging their own marriage.We quote here one such hadith:

"A woman came to the Messenger of God and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: Messenger of God! Marry her to me if you have no need of her. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing but the lower garment he was wearing, the Prophet said: Look for something, even though it be an iron ring. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, God's Messenger asked him whether he new anything of the Qur'an. When the man replied that he knew Surah so and so and Surah so and so, God's Messenger said: Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur'an." (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa'd)

In this hadith a woman is arranging her own marriage but the Prophet does not rebuke her or admonish her in any other way. Thus while it may not be the best thing for a woman to do, she can if she wishes, make a marriage proposal for herself without being blameworthy in the eyes of God.
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Muslimah21

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #5 on: Jun. 02, 2009, 03:21 PM »

mashallah Hamza thank you for reminding me and us of that beautiful hadith.

I got told the other say if i make a proposal then i will seem "Desprete" and people will ask what is wrong with me. Alot of arab girls are taught to just sit and wait for the man to make the proposal. And all i should do is show interest but i should never make it look liek i am too interested. I think this is really stupid. Makign it into a game, when it should be easy, and they make it harder for us to get married that way.

But i agree a woman can make the first step in certain circumstances.
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Hamza81

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #6 on: Jun. 02, 2009, 04:30 PM »

mashallah Hamza thank you for reminding me and us of that beautiful hadith.

I got told the other say if i make a proposal then i will seem "Desprete" and people will ask what is wrong with me. Alot of arab girls are taught to just sit and wait for the man to make the proposal. And all i should do is show interest but i should never make it look liek i am too interested. I think this is really stupid. Makign it into a game, when it should be easy, and they make it harder for us to get married that way.

But i agree a woman can make the first step in certain circumstances.

I think a lot of that kind of thinking comes down to tradition and is stupid really. If there is a suitable person then take it up with the family or friend and investigate and then do things the right way. But to sit there and let the opportunity pass is ridiculous. The thinking of some people is just too stupid for words.
These people sit there and can't find partners and it is becaue of theor own arrogance and ignorance for they demand perfect partners but they are so imperfect themselves. There is no such thing as a perfect partner for we are all people of many flaws so be open minded and as long as a person is good in their deen and good in their charatcer and will be a good partner for oneself then one should make isthikhara and see where it goes.
May Allah help us to find the best and right partners for us. aMEEN.
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Muslimah21

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #7 on: Jun. 03, 2009, 04:18 PM »

Very true, alot of people espeically women do literally expect people to come knocking on thier door. Maybe in some arab country or asian country. but in the west that is ver unlikely. Only if those people have interacted before hand.

Lately i have begun to see alot of people, get to know one another without the parents meeting or knowing, or havign permission from them. They get to know one another quiet alot and decide between themselves if they liek each other enough for marriage... its is literally "dating" the parents usually are unaware and only find out when the boy comes over with his family. I have seen that alot lately at university with some sisters and brothers. And when i have spoken to them about it, alot of them say they have actually spoken to shiekhs who say its ok. And i know its not ok. Becuase they are getting to know one another alone, with shiytan as thier 3rd party. I knwo its tough at university, i know all to well. But i do not think i could ever reduce myself to that level, playing with fire. The risks are too great.
   
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Hamza81

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Re: The other way around
« Reply #8 on: Jun. 03, 2009, 07:14 PM »

Very true, alot of people espeically women do literally expect people to come knocking on thier door. Maybe in some arab country or asian country. but in the west that is ver unlikely. Only if those people have interacted before hand.

Lately i have begun to see alot of people, get to know one another without the parents meeting or knowing, or havign permission from them. They get to know one another quiet alot and decide between themselves if they liek each other enough for marriage... its is literally "dating" the parents usually are unaware and only find out when the boy comes over with his family. I have seen that alot lately at university with some sisters and brothers. And when i have spoken to them about it, alot of them say they have actually spoken to shiekhs who say its ok. And i know its not ok. Becuase they are getting to know one another alone, with shiytan as thier 3rd party. I knwo its tough at university, i know all to well. But i do not think i could ever reduce myself to that level, playing with fire. The risks are too great.
   

Yes i myself have seen many cases too and inevitabley haraam is committed because as you stated correctley shaythan is always the third party and is very decieving. He makes it out to the couple that what they are doing is fine and ok but in reality what they are doing is haraam and is leading upto fornication and adultrey almost. Shaythan is very clever and that is why the youth need to be especially careful and it is upto scholars to go to universities and highlight these issues otherwise our brothers and sisters will continue to have these illicit relations and they will lead to what the couple may regret for the rest of their lives because they are still human and a moment of lust is all it will take. May Allah save us all from these evils. Ameen.
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