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Author Topic: Understanding people in context  (Read 3959 times)

Ponderer

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Understanding people in context
« on: Jun. 17, 2009, 10:36 PM »

Salaam guys,

The fact that this forum is open to both genders is great, it means we can learn about each other and from each other.

My own exposure to the opposite gender is limited to my family and friends and the opinion I have gained from them about men is very positive. Welcoming women as equal beings and respecting and understanding them is something I would naturally expect from my future husband and of course, I would do the same.

I would also expect him to understand me in the context of my upbringing. I am a Muslimah first and foremost, believing in God and aiming for Paradise. This I think would be easy for any guy to understand, as I hope his aims would be inline with mine. Where things can get confusing is when there is a disparity between expectations. Some of us are a hybrid species in terms of culture. We have roots in one, which could be traditional and conservative, and have been brought up in another, perhaps a more liberal and open culture. It could be that one party has expectations more in line with the first culture while the other was thinking more along the lines of the second.

Here is where I would find guys' opinions very useful. What reference point do you use when you think of your ideal wife? I must admit my views are more in line with the culture I grew up in and I believe bringing up a family and running a household is the domain of both the husband and the wife sharing their responsiblities between them.

Anyway this is just something I was thinking about, how it makes sense to understand the opposite gender in the context that they grew up in and line one's expectations of their future spouse according to this.
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Canyousee

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #1 on: Jun. 17, 2009, 11:36 PM »

I can't speak for others. But  from my personal perspective. "The" woman for me would be a woman that believes herself to be an equal to me. I find it really great to have a woman that's supportive and corrects any mistakes I might do. Cultural differences do exist and are a reality. However, in the current global environment we are living in, cultures are somewhat intertwined. Especially since most of us here live in the western world, where each us confront an array of different values and traditions on a daily basis, both within Muslims societies and outside.

I personally have been brought up in a what you could say "liberal" milleu. I was never forced to do anything regarding the deen or cultural practices. Perhaps this could have been the root for me trying to find an identity for myself, which alhamdulilah has shown me that the Deen is everything I would want myself to be associated with.I pray Salah, fulfill my obligations[ as much as I can] and never try to judge others or think myself to be better than anyone else.I have numerous acquaintances with  people having different views of the world from Atheists, to Jews.  We actually get into healthy debates, and I ended up having 2 extra Muslim friends  who were formerly atheists. Up to this day, a visible amount of my friends are Reverts.

Our Deen is the root of multiculturalism, the root of free thought and speech, and freedom to conduct. So having Islam as your first and foremost identity is  a great way of achieving a sense of ubiquity on how people see you. You'll be able to fit in anywhere.  As it gives us that view to see things from different angles.

oh my... I  just realized. That was boring rant. Sorry :(
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #2 on: Jun. 18, 2009, 09:43 PM »

Salaam sis


Well actually husband and wife doign thier share fo work is the practcie and sunnah of the prophet (SAW) He used to do alot for himself, many examples given such as mending his own clothes, taken the rubbish out, feedign himself as in coook for himself. the idea of men go work adn never lift a finger is a concept which is nto islamic but is cultural. So yes i agree i would expect my husband to help around the hosue without havign to be asked he does things himself lol. But that is Sunnah and i want to marry a person who practices the sunnah. Otherwise we would clash big time.

My father is a perfect example. When my mother goes out to work and he is home, he will wash the clothes, cut the grass, vaccum the house, Mend his ouwn clothes, iron the washing etc etc etc. And he does all the manly DIY jobs too. people alwasy say to my mum how did she train him so well. And the answer is he follows the sunnah. He does what the prophet done in respect that he took care fo his home as well as the wife. And because i have had this role model i expect it from my husband it is not nothing unusual for me. 
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reeldeel

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #3 on: Jun. 21, 2009, 02:02 AM »

We were created different so that we may get to know one another... I think if I were to marry someone from a different culture, I was probably interested in that culture already and wanting to be part of it. I do tend to have a negative view of culture because I always tend to see how its placed above Islam and people choosing to do things cuz thats the culture even if its against Islam.

The sharing of work is a pretty complicated issue or not. there are so many different scenarios , most prominent being the husband hustling for the paycheck form 9 till 8 (transit time included). Would you then expect him to come home, cook and clean. Perhaps the kids are still young, does he leave work and pick them up from school some days of the week. What about watching the kids after school, what about laundry and groceries.

I guess it depends on the culture and how liberal  the partners are One can choose to marry someone from such a culture that believes the woman stays at home and takes care of everything while the man just brings the money home. If thats the case then lucky me as long as all my other requirements were fulfilled. And if I married the other type of sister who has a career and feels we have to share all the house work also then it must have been because all my other requirements were fulfilled and having to share the work is no compromise.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #4 on: Jun. 24, 2009, 10:41 AM »

hahaha sound like a typical guy, who doesnt want to do the housework. LOL.

Well there are times when a man will have to do most of the work... how about when your wife is ill? what if she becomes disablled? when she just has her children... she will be restign not cooking and cleaning. ?? men dont think about those things, women are not robots lol.

Nah i dont think i would marry a person becuase i was into thier culture. I woudl marry them ebcuase of thier religion. i am not conciously htinkign i need to marry an arab becuase of the culture.. if an arab came to me and his deen was good then i would marry him becuase of the religion not his race or ethnicity or culture.
Same as if a revert, or asian, or african was inerested.

Yeah u agree we were created to know one another, not be segregated and stick to our "own kind" as i hear people say.
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reeldeel

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #5 on: Jun. 28, 2009, 02:17 AM »

I think I have done enough dishes, bathroom cleaning, and vacuuming to last a life time and am ready to retire.

Yes... I dont think anyone would marry anyone jus cuz they into there culture, but they would most likely take that culture into account since we cant deny that its also a basis of compatibility. Though compatibilty with respect to deen should most definatly be sought, culture cannot be overlooked. I mean the Indian brother has to consider the fact that by marrying you he may have to give up good curry for the rest of his life. I cant think of other significant cultural sacrifices one may have to make but am sure there are many (well according to my parents anyway).
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #6 on: Jul. 01, 2009, 10:22 PM »

ah given up curry?

well i think that will be a good thing he can loose that belly he grew when he was eatign it all the time. :D hahaha

If that is something a man is thinking about then i wouldnt consider him as a serious partner. Given up his food?? that is a silly thing to consider when you want to marry. I was bought up on arab and moroccan food. if i went the rest of my life never eatign it again i dont care, because thats not important as long as i can eat and be healthey who cares?? that should not be an important criteria in anyones partner list, that is ridiculous. Do you know people like that? if i did i would slap them silly. hahaha. really that is the most sillyest thing i have ever heard :D

 :D :D :D :D
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reeldeel

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #7 on: Jul. 04, 2009, 05:32 PM »

If a hardcore animal loving Vegan came that would mean I would have to compromise on shawarma, ribs, roast, BBQ, even reading this as I type is a scary thought... food with out meat.  :-X ... the marriage will be an absolute nightmare  :o. Love don't fill your tummy. ;D
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #8 on: Jul. 06, 2009, 10:51 PM »

 :D :D hahaha Love does not fill your tummy bit food doesnt fill your heart does it? well that is very extreme, what if you marry an African... who deosnt know how to cook your food... but she is perfect in everyway in her deen more importantly... you would nto marry her becuse she wont cook your food? thats pretty pathetic to me.  ;D

I think me personally if i married someone who was not arab then i would make the effort to cook his favourite meals even if i dont like them i will make them tasty so i like them too hehehe. But i think any wife would try and make things her husband likes. But then again the husband needs to be open to a new cusine, and not be soooo stuburn and stuck on getting what he wants. That marriage is doomed to fail. no compramise in the relationship what are you expecting? a miricle?? lol  :P

 :D
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #9 on: Jul. 06, 2009, 10:53 PM »

Also i find is bizzare... to have amuslim who is vegan... even a vegitarian muslim? i mean proper practicing muslim, not the lazy ones lol.
It doesnt work for me. What happens on EId when we go slaughter a sheep??? man that would be awful. Just because they would clash sooo much with the religion, not just thier partners.
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Eemo

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #10 on: Jul. 08, 2009, 12:46 AM »

Salaam,

For me, first and foremost how much deen plays a role in her life and what is her interpretation of it.
After that, im really just interested in how she relates to me as a person.

The ideal wife (for me) is someone who can understand my challenges, someone who can facilitate my ability to take charge, and someone who can help me to understand her.

Thats about it.

Surprisingly simple philosophy, but you'd be surprised how hard it is to find someone that shares the same core beliefs.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #11 on: Jul. 14, 2009, 12:22 PM »

Ok Eemo.

What if she is a Vegan? Who will prepare your meat dishes? lol. What if she is liek one of those nature people... like tree huggers and way to into it? SO you have to admitt that what they do, and what tehy eat is important too? dont you agree?
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Eemo

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #12 on: Jul. 16, 2009, 09:48 PM »

If she's vegan, and is a tree hugger, then that's her philosophy on life. There are core belief elements that are driving behaviour there.
Therefore we're not going to be compatible are we.

Its not like i want to have Pizza for lunch and she wants to have a sushi. Thats a difference in preference, not philosophy.
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humararishta

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #13 on: Oct. 08, 2011, 08:09 AM »

It is must to understand each other and understand more people.
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riteshnarula

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Re: Understanding people in context
« Reply #14 on: Oct. 14, 2011, 06:40 AM »

We need spread love in the world. Making new friend around the world through to internet and understand each other feeling.
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