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Author Topic: Would you consider this brother?  (Read 4458 times)

reflection1

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Would you consider this brother?
« on: Jul. 29, 2009, 07:11 PM »

I met a muslim brother a few months ago online. He's very interested in getting married (which of course is my ultimate goal as well). However, there are a few things that bother me about him (and there are several things I like). He appears to have been brought up in a good muslim home. He performs his prayers, fasts etc. He's educated, got a good job. However, in conversations he tends to bring up his desire for a physical relationship. He knows my terms, not until after nikkah. We've been talking on and off for a few months now and last week he admits to me that he had a sexual relationship awhile back and he was ashamed of it. He then goes on to tell me that he wants to be in a relationship were there is some intimacy (holding hands, kissing etc). Again, I told him I am not interested. He said he accepts that. He also bad mouths non-muslims (we've had a disagreement over this before). He's 30, I'm 29. I understand he would want to get married soon because he wants a family and he has intense desires. I am not attracted to him, but I'm worried that I'm not finding the guy I'm looking for so I'm thinking of giving it a chance. Any thoughts?
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justKhan22

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #1 on: Jul. 30, 2009, 12:38 AM »

No comment, I just wonder hw much more theyy're is to knw? tht maybe he hasnt disclosed, Like everyone deserves a chnce,he probz need to get his hormones under control......

Also u knw he may check out ladies after marriage which maybe u wont like as well, with marriage a guy should also have good manners, see if hes one tht cn get along with your family,. Foul mouth or racist to non-muslims maybe an indication he also has temper issue... which u may need to consider..Willl he be okay with ur family?

I guess none of us are perfect the final decision is urs. Think over whether he can stay committed, wht kind of hussband will he make after marriage through bad times,... I mean some guys are really silly at the start of marriage and inshallah get better with time...

IS he able to stay in a relationship of marriage? Questions questions questions u need to think over. Its ur call lol.
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justKhan22

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #2 on: Jul. 30, 2009, 12:40 AM »

Is he commited to relationships? and  make sure his family will also accept u as u dnt wnt issues with in laws lol
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reflection1

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #3 on: Jul. 30, 2009, 07:38 PM »

I've wondered whether he could be committed during a relationship too. I know that I would most likely never knew about his past if he didn't disclose but if someone is willing to commit that sin before marriage, what would stop them from doing it again during marriage? I am concerned that he doesn't fear enough and it could happen again.

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sheikh87

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #4 on: Aug. 03, 2009, 04:35 AM »

Two things here to consider:

The physical relationship issue, my take on that is and always will be that there is a good questioning and a bad questioning. Good questioning is when the two are almost sure that they could get married. So then it is important to know about the other person in that way, if they are open or not. And the only way is to know before marriage is to ask. The bad questioning is anything that a person couldn't ask if the sister's sister was there, or if the brother's sister was there. Of course I got these from my head but I do think they are worth considering for a  person that is practising. Al-hamdulillah, there are plenty of fish in the sea...so stay away from the bad ones if you can.

Was-salaam
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Muslimah21

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #5 on: Aug. 03, 2009, 11:02 PM »

Very true Shiekh87,

That is important and i always remember, would you say those thigns infornt of your mother and father??
I also met someone breifly like him. Admitted a few things to me. Had a bad passed, but also carried on with his new life. SO i ended it right away and made it very clear i was unhappy and not comfotable withe it.
You have to be honest with yourself sis.
Does it really bother you? can you see yourself beign in this same situation along the line? Just be honest about who you are and what it is you want out of a marriage. Dotn go along with it becuas eyou feel you have too. you may regret it. have a good think. And ask him lots of questions, get him thinking. Ask him what if questions too.
Good luck

look after yourself sis
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reflection1

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #6 on: Aug. 04, 2009, 06:56 PM »

Thanks for the responses. I think I knew what I was looking for in your answers when i first posted, and a lot of people confirmed what I was thinking.
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sheikh87

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #7 on: Aug. 04, 2009, 10:58 PM »

Salam alaykom,

That being agreed with, I'll ask you to be careful when a person comes of as a the best muslim etc.

I think alot of sisters would say it before me that they want a guy that is truthful, even if he has mistakes, more than a guy that lies.

Lol, a friend one said, "lie to a girl, see what happens." So truthful people are good, but you want a truthful person that is also "being good" now and left that bad stuff for "good."
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Muslimah21

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #8 on: Aug. 04, 2009, 11:45 PM »

Well said Shiekh87!

Is your name shiekh? thats my fathers name but he spells it with a C like most moroccans lol :D
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sheikh87

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #9 on: Aug. 05, 2009, 10:33 PM »

Thank you, I try;)

Your dad's name is sheich? That's cool.  Sheikh is my last name...
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Muslimah21

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #10 on: Aug. 06, 2009, 11:10 PM »

salam

no his name is Chiekh lol not shiech lol.
Ah really... nah thats his first name :D
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JenBean71

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #11 on: Oct. 18, 2009, 02:55 AM »

Asalam alikum sister,

The brother should have good values and you are in agreement with things - think in the future should you have children - they will be subjected to his opinions and attitudes.

Allahu alam

For me the badmouthing non Muslims wouldnt go over well - I'm the only Muslim of my siblings and parents and all the generations before me as I know.

So I'm making duas for u...just pray Istikhara and don't fall for any ultimatums

Salams
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MuslimMD85

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #12 on: Dec. 03, 2009, 02:40 AM »

it doesnt seem to be a good sign...

but just make istikhara and go for it.

And if you know you will eventually marry this person, you can always get a nikah done(so the holding hands etc is halal) and take things at your own pace and eventually when you decide to consummate the marriage you can.

Allahu'Alam
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Muslimah21

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #13 on: Dec. 04, 2009, 03:52 PM »

I personally wouldnt get invloved with a man who talks to me abotu beign intimate... its a sign of disrespect and also a big red flag suggestign he talks liek this to many women... openly about feelings and that be cant control his emotions. I would be insulted. :(
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SisterGirl

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Re: Would you consider this brother?
« Reply #14 on: Dec. 17, 2009, 06:13 PM »

I know this was posted some time ago, and it looks like the sister has moved on. -My 2 cents- If you are speaking to a Muslim man over the phone and he is telling you that he wants an intimate relationship before you get married, RUN. Hang up the phone, no response needed. The dial tone will answer all of his questions. Never let someone disrespect you or treat you with less kindness than you deserve. Unfortunately there are Muslim men out there that will try to have a physical relationship with you before marriage. Run for the hills girls. That behavior speaks to their character, he could (and probably is) talking to other girls and trying to get whatever he can from them. Sisters, give them NOTHING, not a handshake, hug, kiss, nada until you are married. He's lucky to get a smile.
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