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Author Topic: Please tell me im making a mistake  (Read 4743 times)

Eemo

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Please tell me im making a mistake
« on: Aug. 26, 2009, 03:37 PM »

So, i got introduced through a family member to a girl recently. We hit it off instantly, and we've been getting along really well.
She's not in hijab at the moment, but she said she was prepared to wear it after marriage.

She has seemed perfect so far, and i know shes very keen on me too, so everything was going along quite smoothly, until she decided that she had a secret to tell me today.

Turns out, she's not a virgin.

I really should call it quits shouldnt i?

Im just so fed up of looking, i just feel like giving in, but then, learning that news made me physically sick for one, but sometimes i think that if she has truly repented then i should be gracious enough to accept it, as ultimately its between her and Allah(swt) after that.

I just dont want to let her go, but it looks like i might have to?
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brisingr9

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #1 on: Aug. 27, 2009, 03:08 AM »

Be thankful to Allah that she was frank to you. It's very painful when someone you are keen about turns out not to be a virgin. To safeguard your religion you have no other option as a Muslim but to distance yourself from her. I know it sounds terrible but Allah has his right over us and we have to please our creator first. we all know how serious not being a virgin before marraige is in Islam . Inshallah you'll find someone more better and sweet in Islam. Jazakallah bro..
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Eemo

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #2 on: Aug. 27, 2009, 10:22 AM »

Jazakallah Bro. That puts my mind at ease.
Its just shaken my faith in humanity somewhat (once again). Chaste people seem to be rarer and rarer in this modern world.
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reeldeel

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #3 on: Aug. 27, 2009, 06:26 PM »

I would still go for it if I can see clear proof with absolutely no doubts that she has repented and is now a much better muslima than before. The same way reverts tend to hold on strongly to the deen once they find it, If feel muslims that were once in the dark who find the light tend to hold on pretty strongly also.
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Siham

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #4 on: Aug. 27, 2009, 06:27 PM »

As-salamu ` alaykum,
The general principle is that we don't discuss our sinful actions with others, even prospective spouses. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "All my Community are well, except the revealers." When asked who the 'revealers' were, he replied: "Those who sinned and slept in the covering of Allah, but then tore it off and revealed their sins."

However, if people have exposed to any infectious diseases, then they owe it to their prospective spouses to get tested and to be honest about the results of those tests. Other than health considerations, however, it is best to not dwell on the past and to, instead, focus on a brighter future, insha`Allah.

I'm not suggesting that people lie to their prospective spouses if they ask, but sins that we have committed and sincerely repented for, meaning that we no longer are engaging in the sinful activity after asking for Allah’s forgiveness, are as if they never happened.

Hope this helps,
W`salaam.
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #5 on: Aug. 27, 2009, 10:52 PM »

Salam,

I agree with Siham, she does not necessarily have to tell you if she sincerely repented. But since she did trust you enough to tell you you have to ask yourself if this is something you can not only "deal with" but accept because you do not want to have a sick feeling everytime you look at her or you will end up resenting her. Also, the issue of hijab is what I am more concerned about because if she is not following the fardh conditions of religion that could raise a red flag. I also dont agree with the whole concept of wearing hijab just when you get married, subhannallah are you wearing it for your husband or your lord?

All the khair from my words come from Allah and all the mistakes come from me

Wasalam
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reeldeel

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #6 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 01:31 AM »

I also dont agree with the whole concept of wearing hijab just when you get married, subhannallah are you wearing it for your husband or your lord?

Exactly..... I've been told many times not to worry because once I marry 'her' and tell her to wear it she will obey me.... :o well am looking for a woman that obeys Allah first and foremost :o
Oh but hijab does not matter they say... its what in the inside that counts... and then there's always the quote of iman is in the heart.... well... let it reflect in the clothes as well.... I cant see what's in the heart.. so I need physical proof.
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #7 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 06:47 AM »

exactly, iman is definitely an inward thing however if you claim to have high iman but smoke, drink, dress inappropriately then that is very doubtful.

Inshallah you find someone with great deen and taqwa of Allah SWT
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Eemo

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #8 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 09:47 AM »

Jazakallah for all the responses.
Well i have no way of telling whether she is looking to wear hijab just because of me, or for the lord first. She does pray etc, but shes not overtly religiously inclined.

As for the main issue. Yes, i already do feel sick at the thought of her past. very, very sick, and i just dont think i can handle it, even though she is right for me in so many other ways.

I've already stopped communicating with her, and im still disgusted and upset even after all this time, thats how much it has affected me.
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Eemo

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #9 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 10:04 AM »

All that said. There's only one way that i think i could overcome this, and that was if there was any evidence from Islam to suggest that it would be more rewardable for me to marry her. But i havent seen any such evidence that suggests anything of the sort (?)
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brisingr9

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #10 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 05:57 PM »

Stay away from her bro. Islam does not encourage us to marry unchaste women. If she really wants to repent from the deepest part of her heart and if she wants to start a new life then I suggest you discuss the possibilities with a scholar otherwise if she is a casual person tell her gooobye . May Allah guide you in making the right decision. Ameen . Recommend an ishtikara for you if you are very serious about this matter . See ya later bro.
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Eemo

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #11 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 10:29 PM »

Brother brising. Jazakallah bro, you are absolutely right. I just confirmed the islamic evidence.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #12 on: Aug. 28, 2009, 10:42 PM »

Salam bro,

sorry to hear that. I would tell you to go for it.. but it depends how much she has changed. Has she doen a complete U turn. First of all she should wear proper hijab and do everything in her power to please allah and repent. Basically that experince and her regreatign it should make her a better person. Is she? she is super religious now? I think only you can find that out. But becuase she doesnt wear hijab i think that sort of says it all to me. She isnt too bothered it seems.
I always say i could look passed anothers previous sins if they changed and are better people. i would never turst a man who said he woudl change after marriage. Her sayign she would wear hijab after marriage is the same... its only for you. she not doign it for allah. Dont we all want to marry people who do things for allah.

i think her not being a virgin is a problem... the problem is how she has dealt with it and how much she has changed since then. thats mroe important.

inshallah khier.
allah Ma3k. 
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Eemo

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #13 on: Aug. 30, 2009, 09:56 PM »

She's about the same as she was before. Anyways, as i said. I've called it quits, cos a) i found the islamic evidence which states that this isnt permissible and b) i was feeling sick the whole time.
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jannah

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Re: Please tell me im making a mistake
« Reply #14 on: Aug. 31, 2009, 10:07 AM »

brother eemo what islamic evidence and what isn't permissible?

i think that whether you are a virgin or not is important in knowing and i'm glad she told you even though she didn't have to. but what if she is like a convert. like at one time she was not practicing but now she is practicing and wants to be a good muslim? that she has repented and is a good person? and you are saying no because of her past, despite her being as you said perfect in every other sense? if there is a lot of doubt in your mind over whether or not she has repented or about all her other religious issues that's one thing, but just because she's not a virgin doesn't make her a bad person. many divorced people/converts are also not virgins, that doesn't make them automatically bad, it's about the sin itself and the repentance of it.

ws

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