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Author Topic: To be ot not to be....???  (Read 6511 times)

Muslimah21

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #15 on: Aug. 31, 2009, 11:38 PM »

Well said that hadith is Sahih. But it says CHASTE. which does not mean Virgin. It means anyone can be Chaste. A wife can be Chaste. when her husband is away she has to reamin chaste. Thier is a hadith that states that too. a widow can be chaste, a divourced woman can also be, and a sinner can be chaste if they repent and abstain from the zeena. they too are all Chaste.



Yes i did say many times i wouldnt marry a man like that. But no one is perfect... and this man i imagine to marry and i pray to marry i have not met anyone even close to it. :( so perhaps i am asking alot.  Someone with deen, and good character... all qualities of the Prophets (AS). And there are none of those about lol :S
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Muslimah21

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #16 on: Aug. 31, 2009, 11:50 PM »

well yeah i agree. many of my family members think its ok to marry anyone as long as he prays, fasts and gives zakat... regardless of how he acts or anything else. its simple as for them.
when i tried to explain that i wanted more, someone who can implment the quran in his life and someone who is more knowladgable for me.. i was told i was being picky and unrealistic :(
cant win can i :S

I have had marriage proposals from moroccan men who knwo my family here and in morocco. but they are toooo realxed in thier deen. they just not who i can se emyself marrying, or beign with in 20 years time let alone becoming an old aged pensioner lol.

Always imagined being with someone who i can sit down with and discuss islamic issues, read hadith and quran with. learn more quran together. someone who can help me out becuase i struggle sometimes. :S
But also someone to do the normal stuff with.

And i am yet to meet someone who when i say to them my Ideal honeymoon is to go do Ummrah, they will agree with me. the few i have spoken too do not see that as a proper honeymoon. :S

Actually this guy who i am talking too doesnt have alot going for him in terms of materialstic things. Earns less then 15K, lives at home, but he is a nice person.
He isnt a bad person, but when we descussed about female male realtionships.. he said he would give that up when he got married. and he would only do it if his wife asked him. so he thinks its ok to be mates and chat on the phone to the opposite sex casually. thats what is troubling me.

Right now i am against the whole thing. just re evaluating things... i shouldnt make do. i know i may have high standards but they are high for good things and not bad things like doniya related.

Anywho, thank you for anwsering :D
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #17 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 12:21 AM »

I actually dont think your asking too much at all, what your asking for is not a hafidh of quran or a top sheikh, just a truly practicing man which can be hard to find but its not impossible.

hahaha I used to think umrah was the ideal honeymoon too, but I think I would wait a couple of years after the marriage then perform umrah with him.

but I think you should stick your standards, their not as high as you think sis  :)
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reeldeel

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #18 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 01:10 AM »

Not to hijack your post but am in a very similar situation... I had said deffinatly no before but now I've been spending time with the family this ramadan... just the family and not her cuz she's net even around at the moment and the family is wonderful.. both parents very religious..
its started me thinking maybe she'll also change soon follow afer her parents. Maybe she'll be willing to change the way she dresses after marriage, down with the tight jeans up with the hijab and away from all the male friends.

But do I really want a girl that all the guys know. Same with you do you really want a brother that has been mingling with all the girsl. Can you count that he will definately change for you... should he be changing for you rather than for allah even before marrying you.

but then again time is running if not out then late, after a long trip in a dark tunnel the slightest glimmer of light is tempting even if it isnt as bright as you hoped for. Do you take this exit or continue on your path hoping the next glimmer would be bright enough.  ::)
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sheikh87

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #19 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 01:13 AM »

No disrespect to both of your brothers, i'm not knowledgeable on this subject, but isnt what you are saying similar in likeness to when a thief steals?

His hand still has to be cut off regardless of whether he repents or not. No?

His hand is to be cut of if the securaties catch him before he repents....I don't know if it makes a difference if the owner forgives him or not. But the point is, if he repents, without being caught then even if he goes to authorities himself they will tell him (in a Muslim country), repent to Allah He will turn to you.

Oh yea, and about finding somebody that is like the prophet (saws), you should start by coming like Aisha or Khadeejah etc:)
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Eemo

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #20 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 11:36 AM »

Well, here's a note for all you brothers and sisters. I just thought i would share. I dont know if it will help.

Regarding my situation, after the girl had told me about her past, i tell you what, i truly felt i had been touched by evil and darkness. It was like heading for destruction, it really was. Its one of the darkest weeks i've lived in a very long time, it was truly horrible and awful.

I prayed to Allah(swt) about a day before, that if she was right for me for the akhirah, that please let things unfold smoothly and if she is not, then bring it to an abrupt end. And the next day, she told me about her past, so that was that. I think the turmoil in my mind was because i liked her.

A week later and now that i have some psychological distance, i feel more and more relieved that i let her go, and can see more and more that my judgement was being heavily clouded. It has frustrated and upset me alot. its also made me rather bitter and despondent, but i can only pray that i made the right decision.
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sheikh87

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #21 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 12:50 PM »

When it comes to picking or not picking a person, all a person must remember is that their are plenty of :) mmm, fish in the sea.

But the thing is, you gotta be willing to go get them. So you didn't take this one, you will only have to wait for another one as long as you make yourself wait (after Allah's will of course). It's only because I wait that I don't have a wife and only I'm too blame (if anybody is too blame). 8)
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Eemo

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #22 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 01:15 PM »

Well maybe there are plenty of fish in the sea, but i certainly dont feel that way at the moment. The situation seems to be getting worse year after year.
You are right, that one has to be willing to do the search, but when you've had your time (& money) wasted on matrimonial sites, been let down by parents and not had any help from friends, you start running out of ideas and enthusiasm.
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Muslimah21

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #23 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 01:43 PM »

Yeah i am with Eemo.

There are pleanty of men.. sorry i mean fish in the Sea. but i sort of believe that allah has someone for me, perfect for me... sort of like a soul mate, the one, someone who is meant for me and i am meant for them. Which you cant get from just marrying any old person lol.

Yeah i am pretty impatient. :( not good i know.
Eemo if she made you feel that way then you have made the right choice. that doesnt sound good at all. :S
But i only just met the guy been over a week... so i just want to give him a chance and learn a little more about him before i decide.
I cant use a marriage site... and i dont believe i will find my husband on there. maybe people i get on with but not marriage material. 
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Eemo

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #24 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 03:33 PM »

Yeah, i had the same experience with matrimonial sites as well.
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Muslimah21

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #25 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:03 AM »

I just think its best to do it the traditional sunnah way. both families involved. father being the Wali, doing what he should be doing. finding out about the man, filtering the rubbish out lol i mean less compatible, chaperoning the meetings. Keeping things halal and to the guide lines. that sort of goes out the window on marriage sites doesnt it, and no matter how much you sugar coat it it will always be an iffy route where there is dispute about its integrity. so why even go there?? 
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a_lina

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #26 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:41 AM »

Salams,

  I also posted this in another thread:
  Never compromise your Islamic values when looking for a spouse. If you are not comfortable with someone's moral values, how can you be comfortable spending every day of the rest of your life with them?
  Never marry a person expecting them to change for you. What if they don't change? How will that effect your marriage? your children?

 I've been there and done that. And it was the darkest year of my life. I learned through the experience that you have to be at peace with your decision for a life partner. If you are not at peace then there is something wrong and you need to investigate further until you are at peace with your decision whether it is a yes or no.
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sheikh87

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #27 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 03:49 AM »

A wali should be willing to marry a his daughter to a man he is pleased with in terms of deen, and akhlaaq specifically.

Keep in mind, akhlaaq is from the deen, so why was it specialized out?

Also, don't you all thing that for a muslims living in the west, that we have some sort  of double standards when picking a spouse? We want a religious partner that is also willing to let us still continue ways that are not necassarily truly pious (or maybe according to Islamic rules)  if you know what I mean. I think many myselfs and many muslims are a victim of this. You want a person that thinks like you? Why not  a person that is willing to live with you even though he or she thinks differently? Morality is of course something never to ignore though...
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #28 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 06:15 AM »

Thats a good point sheikh87,

Alot of us want people "just like us" in iman and the way we practice the deen. However, I personally think we should strive for more pious partners as they can help us with reminders and constantly be a source of knowledge and guidance.

May Allah SWT bless us all with pious spouses!
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Muslimah21

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Re: To be ot not to be....???
« Reply #29 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 02:51 PM »

I want someone who is like myself in how they condict themselves. i dont do anything that contradicts shariah or anything. And if i did i would not be ahypocrite and ask for someone who didnt do those things. LOL. thats just stupid, and beign two faced.

For example i know alot fo Devout muslims who have mortages?? Like what on earth. I would never take money and Riba. when i know the punishment for it. And its not something you can ask for forgiveness for, becuase its over a period of time... if you are sincere you will stop it. but how can you ask for forgivness and still have a mortage at the same time???? DUUUUH. lol

So i wouldnt marry a person who thought it was ok. or loans.. dont even get me started on loans! I know people who have double standards. but i am not one of those. I always look to myself before i lok at others. change what is what within me first and thats what all muslims should do.
I wouldnt do everything haraam and then ask for a pious brother. People who do that need a slap really. And the irritating thing is that i have seen very pious brothers who i wanted to marry, go off and marry the non hijabies who dont even know how to pray!! it really is like a slap in the face sometimes.  :'( :'(
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