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Author Topic: A question  (Read 6838 times)

Africanmuslimah88

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A question
« on: Sep. 01, 2009, 10:36 PM »

Salaam all,

I was just wondering if any of you would consider marriage to someone who had children from previous relationships? What if these kids were from an unlawful relationship (not marriage) ?

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Eemo

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Re: A question
« Reply #1 on: Sep. 01, 2009, 11:02 PM »

Wsalaam.
Divorcee, yes. Unlawful relationship, no way.

But that's me personally. I would have absolutely no problem marrying a lady with children, but my parents would probably never speak to me ever again!
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Muslimah21

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Re: A question
« Reply #2 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:07 AM »

Umm no i dont think i could. i was told about a man apparently amazing 25 .... and with kids. i said straight away no. lol. it was like a reflex action. i dont know why. but i have never considered it, or thought about. all i know is that i wouldnt. i just beleive the guy i will be with will be single previously, no kids, nothing before he met me. i just couldnt imagine it   :-\ :-\ :-\
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a_lina

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Re: A question
« Reply #3 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:16 AM »

Salam,
  I would have considered someone divorced/widowed with children. However, I would have to think about it if the child was from an unlawful relationship. I would probably try to find out if the brother has truly repented and what his current lifestyle is like. Also, if he is a revert, the child may be the result of a relationship before he became Muslim.

 
Quote
would have absolutely no problem marrying a lady with children, but my parents would probably never speak to me ever again!

 My parents also had the opinion that I should not marry someone with children through a previous marriage. They felt that it would cause huge adjustment problems. At the time, I was divorced with no children. I tried to explain to them that it was Allah's (SWT) will that I had no children through my first marriage but, if Allah had willed, I could have been a single mother looking for a husband. How would they have felt if brothers rejected me because of my child? They did seem to understand that point of view, but they still didn't quite like the idea. Anyways, eventhough I was okay with marrying someone divorced with children, by Allah's (SWT) will, I ended up marrying someone who had not been previously married and had no children.

 :)
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Muslimah21

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Re: A question
« Reply #4 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 12:35 AM »

Mabrook sis. :D

Get me one of those husbands, for me tooo  :D
Ill pay lol. jokes

  ;D ;D
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Africanmuslimah88

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Re: A question
« Reply #5 on: Sep. 02, 2009, 01:33 AM »

Jazakhallah for the responses !!

When I met unlawful relations, I meant in the curcumstance that the person repented or was a revert.

Personally, I would have to seriously think about the matter if they had kids, since I might be taking care of them or mothering them.

I also think my family would probably not go for it either because I guess ideally they would want someone single, no kids etc...

hmmm I asked because I have noticed that some brothers in my community who are single, but known for great deen, have kids from previous marriages or relations. But I have trouble imagining myself getting married to someone with kids.
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brisingr9

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Re: A question
« Reply #6 on: Sep. 08, 2009, 03:09 AM »

It's difficult to take care of kids... And a virgin deserves a virgin ,, divorcees normally marry divorcees who have had experience with kids. There is a hadees in which the prophet pbuh asked a sahaba why he married a matron and not a virgin ?? The sahaba replied he wanted someone to take care of his  kids. Hadees indicates it's always preferable to give first preference to a virgin. First timers look for virgins no matter what!!  Jazakallah khair.
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Muslimah21

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Re: A question
« Reply #7 on: Sep. 19, 2009, 05:10 PM »

So why did Aisha marry the prophet? Aisha was a virgin, so she should have married a virgin. Your argument is flawed and that is a poor example for why they should. Oh deary me.
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brisingr9

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Re: A question
« Reply #8 on: Sep. 21, 2009, 08:38 PM »

My advice is for my brothers and this hadees was told to a man and not to a woman!! There are certain places where men are above women and there are certain places where a women is above men overall if we have a score of 100 both have 100 points. A mother has a very high status for a son and a husband has a very high  status for a wife. In terms of marraige men are definetly above as they have freedom to marry upto 4 wives. You can't apply all hadees on females as it can be applied to males. Hope I made it clear..!!
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jannah

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Re: A question
« Reply #9 on: Sep. 23, 2009, 10:23 PM »

Quote
hmmm I asked because I have noticed that some brothers in my community who are single, but known for great deen, have kids from previous marriages or relations. But I have trouble imagining myself getting married to someone with kids.

I think you should give them a chance. I know a number of single never married sisters who ended up marrying someone divorced or with children and they turned out to be wonderful husbands and family men. If you get to know the person and find they are very good muslims, good in the community and to their families, then why not?
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JenBean71

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Re: A question
« Reply #10 on: Oct. 18, 2009, 02:33 AM »

Asalam Alaikum. Mashallah I met a woman years ago she was 22, with a 5 year old child. Yes, she had a teen pregnancy and wasn't married. She had full custody. The Imam had called me as she wanted to know about Islam and introduced us.

Alhumdulillah over time she wanted to learn more and more. She would attend lectures at the mosque, some social events and I introduced her to many sisters. Alhumdulillah she embraced Islam.

Speaking with sisters, some expressed how difficult it would be for her to find a husband. To me, it was a blessing having a child already because it will weed out the insincere, the weak and the shallow. It takes someone sincere, strong and of good moral character to accept a child that isn't yours. A Libyan brother, never married before, approached her parents and her - she married. That was 17 years ago.

And the child out of wedlock?

At age 7, he was reading hadith and committing them to memory. At age 11 he had most of the Quran memorized. Now, in his 20's, he is halfway through professional studies, establishing himself for a future family inshallah. He has expressed wanting to marry a sister who already has a child, like he was - to give back the unconditional love and gratitude he feels for the man who raised him as his own. He learned this love from the man that married his mother.

And now the brother has a pious child that will pray for him. Some don't even have this, after marrying their virgin wives and satisfying the cultural charade, their kids don't behave as Muslims. May Allah guide them, Ameen!




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Muslimah21

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Re: A question
« Reply #11 on: Oct. 18, 2009, 03:04 PM »

jenbean71 mashallah thank you for that story :D

that is very true i totally understand.
It takes a bigger man a stronger man to marry a woman who has had a passed becuase he actually is doing it for allah and has the strength to look passed it and be a "man"
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sheikh87

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Re: A question
« Reply #12 on: Oct. 18, 2009, 10:18 PM »

That comment about weak and shallow people being "weeded" out is very judgemental. I didn't expect such a comment from adults...

A personc an be weak and shallow and stil propose to marry a person with a child with the intention of using and abusing....


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JenBean71

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Re: A question
« Reply #13 on: Oct. 19, 2009, 04:12 AM »

Of course, a person can be weak and shallow and still propose to marry a person with ill intentions. It's happened to me.

Which is why they need to be weeded out. Women with children should take responsibility not to marry, unless they have gotten to know more about the brother. Even single sisters would take the same precautions. "Weak" and "Shallow" are just umbrella terms for unfavourable traits, it has no bearing on a brother's preferences of whether or not to marry a sister with child(ren) whatsoever.

Alhumdulillah the take home message is a positive one and not meant to induce anger or misunderstanding. The last thing I wanted was to bring out the worst in people, sheikh87. We are all adults and should try to use put downs. Respect given and expected.


Oh glad U liked it, Muslimah21,  :)















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sheikh87

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Re: A question
« Reply #14 on: Oct. 19, 2009, 04:47 AM »

So then, what's your definition of a man accepting the children of a woman he marries?

There's many ways where I can see it happening that a man is more than willing to marry a woman with a child if she recognizes that at the end of the day, if worst comes to worse, those children are her responsibility.

As for weak and shallow, umberalla terms that are not too the point. Everybody has an amount of shallowness to them but I'll agree that some people are better than others in integrety, yes. As long as a person is sincere to Allah, then the results will be good, if not in this life, then surely in the next.

Oh and answering the top original question again, I know a man would be willing to marry his daughter to a person that has a child, if he repented, but not to somebody that smokes (example). A child is not a bad thing, but zina is, and we can't hold people for the past...
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