Advertisement:

Pages: [1] 2 3 |   Go Down

Author Topic: marry her then mold her  (Read 7915 times)

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90
marry her then mold her
« on: Oct. 20, 2009, 06:51 PM »

I get told often that I cant find a girl as pious as am looking for. I have to 'marry her when she's young, then mold her the way I want'. Amazingly these are women that give me this advice. Saying I want it too easy; a woman so pious, I wont have to put more effort in fine tuning her iman. Does it work, has anyone seen this practiced with success. It seems risky to me, is it a good gamble?

Logged

JenBean71

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #1 on: Oct. 20, 2009, 08:07 PM »

Of course, medically, a young person is underdeveloped physically and mentally. The brain does not stop developing until age 20 or so, even though the brain is fully grown by age 10 or 12.

It should come as no surprise that women gave you the advice - they are familiar with the cycle, perhaps through the narrow experience.

You would have a better shot of enforcing anything, even your definition of piety. Until they grow up, that is. You see women emerging from the cellars eventually. They stop fearing the person and begin believing in something much greater than the old guy.

Make dua for a good wife InshaAllah.





Logged

Muslimah21

  • Guest
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #2 on: Oct. 20, 2009, 10:39 PM »

Salam

umm to be frank... NO! lol. what rubbish. These women must live in caves lol. Seriously the women i know who have been married and their husbands tend on "molding" them have ended up with a wife who rebels and does alot of sins behind thier husbands backs, small things such as smoking all the way upto to adultry. SO if thats the sort of wife you want then go ahead. But as they say you are palying with Fire.

If you do not marry a woman for her deen, and piety then as the prophet SAW said you are the biggest loser in this life and the next. Exactly a big LOSER. who wants to be that??
Logged

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #3 on: Oct. 21, 2009, 03:14 AM »

My main fear is the big gamble, am gambling on being able to mold her to a wife that is compatible with me, and am also gambling on my children and my hereafter as (correct me if am wrong)  the man will be asked about the islam of his wife and kids on yaumul qiyama. so indeed it will be playing with fire
Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #4 on: Oct. 21, 2009, 09:58 AM »

Marry a girl with a good personality.

Talk enough and do so like a responsible man. Make sure she knows who YOU are (not you $, degree etc.) and what matters most to you in life. Don't rush and if she is patient with that it means alot.
Logged

Muslimah21

  • Guest
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #5 on: Oct. 21, 2009, 03:24 PM »

Have you never heard the hadith... when a man goes to Hell he goes alone. When a woman goes to hell she takes at least 10 men with her. LOL who are these men? Her father, brothers, uncles, Husband, sons. etc etc. So if you marry a bad woman in her deen i mean bad. then you will suffer in the hereafter not just this life. Is it worth it? Uh no... are you lot mad??? :S

Yes it is a gamble... and its harm to gamble isnt it. SO its best to marry someone who is already in her deen... nto perfect, no one is. But at least she is working towards bettering herself without you and with you. This is a good wife :D
Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #6 on: Oct. 21, 2009, 06:29 PM »

I have heard this hadeeth twice in my life. Both times were from you. I wonder if it is in Bukahri or Muslim or any other authentic books.

Yes I am mad, I am willing to look for a nice girl that is pretty and that I can get along with GOOD enoguh to raise a family with after I make sure she prays 5 times a day so that I know she is not a kafirah. No I won't accept a wife to be married to me and not wear hijab not pray etc., but I wouldn't reject a person without discussing first, if they want to. Some things a husband can take care of and some are for not for him to take care of and should be left to say oh a doctor. But that doesn't mean he should reject the girl. Allah gave us so many chances, we should at least give a person 1 chance:)
Logged

JenBean71

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #7 on: Oct. 21, 2009, 10:19 PM »

It would be worth waiting for someone who is compatible. Maturity is important - for both the prospective wife and husband. Going into a marriage takes more than compatibility - if you are human you also make mistakes. And this takes the ability to listen, as opposed to blindly reacting without understanding your spouse, and coming to an understanding. This is how you learn from each other.

You will not know everything about the person until certain situations arise, whatever they may be. Remember there will be times of stress on your marriage, it takes two excellent people who are committed to each other to get thru this. She/He might pray, wear Islamic clothes and be pretty/handsome but turn around one day and upset you in some way. Be ready for the issues - find proactive ways to address them - together. Nothing worse than being alone in trying to make things good.


Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #8 on: Oct. 22, 2009, 10:45 AM »

A good wife is going to respect her husband's decisions on the things that matter most to him, regardless of if  she is in favour. If she knows her husband holds that thing to be VERY important and that he would feel disrespected without them she will make sure the kids don't break those rules and would probably teach them that too. Like discipline, if the wife thinks the children should have it easy but she sees her husband won't be happy then she won't take out playstation in secret for them to play. That's not what a good wife would do and it doesn't take the most pious person to do that either. Allah 'alam

THe important thing though is that when it domes to religion that Allah is made as the objective not the happiness of the other person. THat comes secondary and results.
Logged

JenBean71

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 70
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #9 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 02:59 AM »

Who is telling you that you cant find a girl as pious as you are looking for?
Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #10 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 10:36 AM »

Well my point is that piety and a good wife or husband are two different things. A person can be actually pious but not make a good spouse. I will in sha Allah, I don't think I got an answer for that question though.
Logged

Muslimah21

  • Guest
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #11 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 02:57 PM »

hahaha bro you are deluded.

If you marry a girl who is not pious or humble then she will not respect you. You expect respect from a half hearted muslim? Good luck with that. If you marry a proper muslimah she will know your rights in Islam in the marriage she will not wait for you to tell her she already knows. and does all she is meant to do. Such as obeying her husband.
I would love to see a non pious sister listen to her husband and obey him.... She will be pretty stuburn and a proper feminist!

Its not impossible bro. But maybe 1/million chance. :D :D

If they have piety they fear allah, they are humble, they have taqwa, love and respect they will do all they can in a marriage. They maybe not superficial and be a beauty queen but at least she is nearly a perfect wife. Whereas you seem to want attractivness and material things and then deen can come after. Remeber what the prophet said. If you do that then youa re the biggest loser in life and the next.

Remember a woman goes to hell she takes at least 10 men with her.
Allah knows if i was a man i would not be palying such games i would marry a pious sister just for allahs sake and to save myself from hell. Marriage is half your deen. You mess that up by marrying the wrong person.
If you marry the right person a good muslim then as allah says you only need to worry about the other half of your deen. But if you marry someone who is a gamble you will have to worry about both aspects of your deen. WHy do you want double the work?? why play with fire as they say?

Some men are not very bright are they  ::) ::) ::) ::)
Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #12 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 03:05 PM »

See the above is an example of somebody confusing between piety and good spouse material.

There is a narration that the 4 khalifahs married one lady, each one ended up divorcing her. They gave her a chance, but she was just not suitable wife material. I am sure she was probably much more pious than you;)...i mean, why else would hte khalifahs be marrying her?

Oop, I am doing the samething as you, quoting material without referencing:S tsk tsk
Logged

Muslimah21

  • Guest
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #13 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 09:28 PM »

You are also insulting me. Which is niether Mature or muslim or gentleman like. Are you sure you want to get married? you need to be mature enough to get married. But perhaps you are one of those who see marriage as halal way to have boy-freind/girlfriend intimacy!!

Well you said yourself you heard of this Hadith. Its not like i made it up like you did. but sometimes the truth hurts and people do not like to hear the truth.
If you cant take advice and take it onboard and see it as a sister trying to help, then dont ask questions and ask for opinions.
And you are not doing yourself any favours by insulting a sister. If thats how you are with women then i do feel sorry for any woman who looks at you.

 >:(
Logged

sheikh87

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
Re: marry her then mold her
« Reply #14 on: Oct. 24, 2009, 11:01 PM »

Sister in Islam,

Firstly, my insults to you mean nothing because I am a nobody, just some brother.

Now, in response, i am not interested in marrying a girl that expects me to let her insult me and just take it. Of course I wouldn't fight for every little thing but when I want to respond I will. It's not a matter of maturity, it's a matter of personality. Secondly, you disgust me with your comments about that bf/gf joke. Seriously, your probably worth much more in the sight of Allah than what you saying to me so no need to come down to my level.

 And yea, i said I heard from this hadeeth twice from you only, nowhere else. and the quote I gave as well, I only heard it but we should have a  habit of double checking things we hear, if they are in the authentic hadeeth books or not.

Advice is good but why don't you try to take some of my advice too? I actually have been considering more seriously what I see as gfood advice of what people have been saying, I just don't post it online:) so shukran.

And again,  I don't think it is very "fair" to give the impression that it's okay for a woman to insult a man and he can't respond back.  I hope you understand where I am coming from and that you accept my apologize.
Logged
Pages: [1] 2 3 |   Go Up
 
 



Individual posts do not reflect the views of halfmydeen.org. All trademarks and copyrights are owned by their respective owners.
Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © halfmydeen.org