Advertisement:

Pages: [1] |   Go Down

Author Topic: Is your criteria for a future spouse unrealistic? Narrow minded?  (Read 4157 times)

SisterGirl

  • Guest

After reading an older post on this board I decided to ask all of you your opinion.
The post I read was a brother new to the forum, introducing himself and what he was looking for in a spouse: the wife should be (according to him): a doctor or dentist, fair complexion, pious, hijabi, and some other things that he will get into later. He did not get a warm welcome from the sisters as they kind of took offense to some of his requirements.

 Just to shine a little light for the brothers who have similar lists or dont understand why a sis would take offense... When a Muslim man is educated (doctor, dentist, engineer etc. ) and he states that he is only looking for another similar professional, yes many of us will get offended because we think it's narrow minded. Women and men are of various backgrounds and professions can be happy in a relationship. When your a doctor and you say you only want a fellow doctor, we do not believe it's because you think you'll get along with her better because you have similar interests. I believe it's because you want to have a certain income level in your household. There are other medical professionals who work in hospitals like doctors, know about anatomy, physiology, medical terminology, etc. Would that not also be a medical colleague? Someone who is familiar with providing health care? Someone with similar interests, helping sick people? One sister pointed that out and I dont remember if she got a reply, that nurses, emt, lab techs, etc are also medical professionals. The other thing that bothers me about that is in Islam it is the husbands responsibility to provide and take care of the wife and family. So why does it matter what I do for a living?

Yes you can have whatever qualifications you want, but the list that he had will narrow your selections of people to a very small pool. And of those women, do you have what they are looking for? The other thing he had on his list that is (in my opinion- narrow minded) is he is looking for someone with fair complexion on top of being a Dr/hijabi/pious/not married. I think part of the problem that we are facing as single muslims is that too many men have these lists that never add up to a real person. You want perfection even though you are not perfect. What if the sister was pious, a hijabi, beautiful and did the work of dawah?? No? She's not a doctor? When we hear stuff like this we dont feel sorry for men who are still single, it's very clear why you are still single. Yes there are Muslim women who have some unrealistic lists as well, they too are still single. I personally am looking for someone who is first a good Muslim, and practices Islam daily. Someone who is a good provider and cherishes his family, and who is kindhearted. That is what i am looking for, the most important criteria for me.

So my question is, do you have any criteria for a future spouse that your family or friends thinks is ridiculous or unrealistic?
Logged

Ilyas

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 34

Asalam Alaikum,
I completely agree with everything you said. It is very narrow minded to look for someone of a certain profession and beauty and ignore all the single sisters out there.

According to my family and some friends they do find some of my criteria ridiculous. I'm afghan and my family would like me to marry another afghan, it really doesn't matter to me as long as we understand each other's culture and resolve any differences we might have. However I'd like to marry someone who practices Islam or at the least wants to start living the Islamic way but they have to genuinely want that (I don't believe in the molding theory). She has to be educated, one that gets along with my family and I with hers, kindhearted and basically understands me as a person. The other day the topic of marriage came up and my mom asked me what I thought about a certain girl, when I told her that I don't think we'd get along because she's more of the liberal Mulims, meaning she dresses moderately, short sleeves but with sleeves nothing above the knee no back or too much front showing, and you definitely won't be seeing her wearing a hijab anytime soon. After hearing this my mom and my aunt told me I am being too picky. I am just thinking about the future, if she thinks it's ok to wear a short sleeve, her kids will think it's ok to wear sleeveless or above the knee or show a little back and what not. I don't want that. Living in the west where 12 year old girls think it's ok to wear a miniskirt or it's ok to have boyfriends and the general public accepting the fact that sex is a part of teenage life, it's hard to raise an Islamic family unless both parents are working together and fully committed.
Logged

SisterGirl

  • Guest

I dont think your being picky for wanting a wife who practices Islam and covers. If you want your children to be raised in an Islamic home it's important that both parents are practicing their deen. For the mothers especially because we spend so much time with the children, when husbands are away or working. My daughter always tells me how i'm the best mom ever and she wants to be just like me. ( :P ) When i get my prayer scarf on to pray she goes and gets her scarf also. Something that some men are not realizing by being caught up on frivolous superficial things, is that when you are looking for a wife you are also looking for a mother for your current or future children. If she is not praying, your children cannot pray with her. If she does not cover, how can you expect your daughter to hear hijab? Our men are getting away from what is important in a marriage and in a family. If our beloved Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) has said to choose a woman for marriage who is pious, that should be a criteria high on your list. If she is not question yourself and your intentions.

Ilyas I dont know how old you are but if your looking to get married I'll assume you're at least 18 and can take care of yourself. That said, yes ones family will always have something to say with who you should marry but the final decision lies with you. I wish you luck in your search, remember it would be your wife so family can like her all day, but you have to also.  ;D I had a friend whose parents had a very specific list of things the man she married had to have. Because of how specific they were, she was single for several years, looking actively to get married. There was nothing wrong with her, she was practicing and educated, it was her parents that made it so difficult, and she was very unhappy.  I dont know if she had any challenges with not getting into boyfriend/girlfriend relationships during that time. But if she had it would have been her parents fault. Please know that even though we cover (or dont) men (muslim and non muslim) approach your sisters all the time, and all of their intentions are not good. That is why marriage is something that should not be delayed. Too many men are wasting time, marginalizing us, and not focusing on what is important is an relationship, what will sustain a relationship. That is your deen, and the Iman between you within your home.

 I know this one brother, he married a girl who was beautiful, all of his friends talked about how beautiful his wife was. This brother was taking care of his younger sister who lived with him. When he got married and she moved in she began to want her own space and wanted his sister to leave. Which his sister couldn't leave because her brother was providing for her and their parents lived in another country. After they married he saw her character, it was her character that was ugly, and all the beauty in the world on the outside could not hide that. They were not married long. So focus on what is important, compatibility, someones character, how they treat people, they're Iman etc. That brother's wife also didn't cover or really practice from what I knew. When you choose a wife that is the opposite of what our Prophet (PBUH) has recommended for you, don't be surprised when you are not successful.
Logged

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90

It always seems to be like the brother that wants a beautiful wife is shallow. If he wants a beautiful woman people immediately tell him beauty aint everything.... assuming he's actually gonna sacrifice everything for just the beauty... cummon there's gotta be beautiful girls out there who also got the deen and character etc.

Personally am looking first and formost a pious sister.... I absolutelly agree with everthing y'all are saying. Also the beauty will go and you'll be stuck with the character. Also bad character can make the beautiful look ugly...etc..etc.

To find a career match would be awesome but impossible for an Engineer (I should have studied psycology or english lit.). Finding a woman in the same career would be so we can have more in common and not a financial support. But I think the love of Allah and great intrest in the deen would more than suffice for compatibility in so many levels.

The only thing with me is am looking for a very beautiful woman... face, body everything.....(yes am more shallow than a puddle on the road  :P ). First of all, if she's the only woman am mostlikely ever gonna have in my life then, I aint settlin for nuthin but the best. Secondly the union has got to be fair. She's bringing deen to the table and so am I. She's bringing character to the table and so am I. She's bringing beauty to the table.... now since am also pretty damn hot myself  ;) and am also bringing financial support  8)... she's gotta compensate with a whole lot more beauty to balance the scale. We can split the cooking, cleaning and children responsibilities l8r. Am I missing anything else?

First and formost Iman/Deen/Taqwa/Yaqeen then beauty. Not one or the other but both inshaallah.
Logged

SisterGirl

  • Guest

I did not say that a brother that wants a beautiful wife is shallow, and I dont believe he is. In Islam when choosing a spouse one of the things we are told is to choose someone who is pleasing to the eye. You should absolutely be attracted to your spouse, not shallow at all. You said: "If he wants a beautiful woman people immediately tell him beauty aint everything.... assuming he's actually gonna sacrifice everything for just the beauty" In the situation I mentioned, the brother married a very beautiful woman who was not up on her deen, covering or practicing. Then She treated his family badly and there were a lot of problems. So yes, as dumb as it sounds some men or women will focus mainly on looks and attraction and over look a lot of other important things. But yes, you can have beauty and deen, but chances are she may not be an engineer or doctor.

Finding a woman in the same career would be so we can have more in common and not a financial support. But I think the love of Allah and great intrest in the deen would more than suffice for compatibility in so many levels.
Since the beginning of man you have had husbands and wives who have had loving marriages and did not have the same occupation. My grandparents were married for over 50 years, my grandmother never worked a day in her life, but were they compatible? Absolutely. They loved each other and only are separated now because after 50+ years of marriage my grandfather passed away. As a single Muslim woman, who knows lots of other single Muslim woman it is not easy finding someone to marry. And yes it is insulting to hear brothers have these (in my opinion) ridiculous laundry lists for a wife. Some of the most beautiful women I know, with the best character, who would do anything for someone in need are not these highly educated doctors, lawyers, engineers that some brothers seem to be so determined to find. Three woman whom I am thinking of in particular, I am so lucky to have in my life, because they are so kind and have meant so much to me and my family. Only one of the three has a college degree, and is not in a high paying job. But these woman are married and the men who married them could not have been luckier.

The brother that was a doctor and was looking for someone who was also a doctor said he knew other doctors that were married and were happy. I'm not sure how old he was but that statement doesn't lead me to believe that he has much experience in relationships. The couple that are both doctors that get along so well - News Flash - it's NOT because they're both doctors. It's because they are compatible, love, respect and appreciate each other. I know a couple who both were high paid professionals, same career and just got divorced. Your occupation has nothing to do with how well you like each other or get along. Is it something that you can talk to her about and you'll both have a common interest in? Sure. But luckily for us the the English language is so vast that there are a million other things couples can talk about, and have similar interests in. The couples that I know who have been married the longest, and are happy by everyone's standards, none of them have even remotely the same occupation.
In my humble opinion -  It should be a non issue when looking for a wife, not a standard to measure us by.
Logged

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90

My bad... I think I went off there replying to everything i've been told about wanting beauty rather than what you've written.

I've never met brothers that want a high salary sister. Its illogical if you ask me. If she's payed alot.. she must work alot.. and that means no time for you.  I guess the dream scenario is you find a wife in your field and you end up working together. But unless that happens by chance... waiting for it is a bit ridiculous. Perhaps similar occupation is absolutely irrelivant, as they say oposites attract. BUT.. what about educational background. You cant expect a sister with a PhD to marry a brother that dropped out of college....or the other way around. Wont the intellectual gap affect the communication in the marriage.  ???
Logged

SisterGirl

  • Guest

I believe that the brothers that are doctors, engineers etc and only want to marry the same are doing so for two reasons, 1. is to have a high income household and 2. Is for class reasons, to be in that highly educated/successful Muslim crowd. We have already established that couples of various occupations can be very happy and compatible with each other. That said, you are not only going to look for another doctor because you think you'll get along better with her than a non doctor. Yes, reeldeel I agree with you, it is illogical for a brother to want these women who are highly paid and have successful careers. Not only will she not have as much time for you, she will also not have as much time for the children. And what about her Islam? Are these brothers seeking these women not concerned about their deen? For a Muslim woman to go to school for 4 or 6 years to get a degree, that is 4-6 years we are spending in the dunya. We are trying to better ourselves, but we are still in the dunya. How much time after our studies and family/husband does that leave us for our Islam? Do we have enough time after working a 10- 12 hour shift (if she's a doctor) and come home to our family and not be completely exhausted? When then do we have time to read Quran? Go to a sisters halaqah? You cannot have it all, I know from personal experience. Something will have to be sacrificed.

 My sister when she would go to college, once she got on campus she had so many guys trying to talk to her, following her, singing songs to her as she passed them in the hallway. Yes she is very pretty, she also wore hijab and tried to ignore them. She even bought a fake wedding ring and told people that she was married (she was not) so that guys would leave her alone. It is a challenge for us, a test for us everyday. We have to ignore all of these non Muslim men who are in our faces trying to date us and talk to us, then deal with Muslim men who have lists like our friend we were talking about - ignoring so many wonderful sisters based on frivolous reasons. Sometimes we feel like we cant win for losing. I think the ideal situation for a lot of Muslim women who cover and pray, is to be able to either stay home and raise a family, work from home or work in an Islamic environment. We do not want to be in this dunya. And men do not stop approaching us because we have a ring on our finger. One of my sisters who is married and wears niqab had a Doctor who would flirt with her and make stupid comments when she had her appointments. That's what these brothers are not grasping to save their lives, we are risking ourselves when we go into this dunya, and for so many brothers to want their wives to work and be in the dunya to me is so selfish. You dont know what we have to go through. Yes a woman should have the right to work, but we also have to be careful and guard ourselves as we go out. It is not something that should be admired as much as it is in my opinion, that he married a doctor or engineer. Where is the admiration in marrying an Alimah? or Hafiza?

"You cant expect a sister with a PhD to marry a brother that dropped out of college....or the other way around. Wont the intellectual gap affect the communication in the marriage."
The sister is going to look at the brother who dropped out of school and think, how is he going to support me and a family? Because that is his responsibility as a husband, in Islam. Some men own their own businesses and are financially successful but never got a college degree. If he had a stable income and was able to support the family I would not necessarily rule him out because he did not have a degree. As far as there being an intellectual gap sure I could see how there could be a gap, how big depends. How much that would matter, from couples that I know with that gap, it dosent seem to matter a whole lot. But i'm not in thier relationship. Maybe they secretly wish they hadn't married such a dummy. Not sure.

 But if it were the other way around and the man had the Phd I would absolutely expect him to consider marrying a sister who dropped out of college. Why not? Her finances are irrelevant because she is not the provider for the family. Does she pray? Is she a kind person? Does she come from a religious family? Are you attracted to her? I was talking about this with my sister earlier and she told me that the Muslim man in her community that is the highest paid (brain surgeon) his wife stays at home with the family, no degree. Not highly educated herself or paid. So....?
Logged

Hamza81

  • Guest

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, i agree that nowadays people are just wanting to marry for the wrong reasons. They disregard the things that really matter like piety and good character and instead choose their partner for beauty and education. Those are the people who's marriages end up in divorce most often. Beauty will quickly fade and if ones partner does not have a good character then there will be much conflict in the marriage which usually leads to and unhappy marriage and divorce.

Also a lot of men and women end up not marrying until late into their 20's and 30's because of the fact that their criterea's for marriage are way too high. Why do they not look at themselves? Are they perfect tht they should demand so much for their partner to have? People who do this end up not marrying until very late and then they realise that they were being to unrealistic. Let us get this notion of perfect partner out of our heads because there is no such thing and we ourselves are not perfect so why should we demand a perfect partner? Let us just look for piety and character and as long as there is chemistry when the two see each other then do ithikhara and take thigns from there. But people complicate things for themselves too much and demand too unrealistic expectations and criterea for their potential spouse.
Logged

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90

How much time after our studies and family/husband does that leave us for our Islam? Do we have enough time after working a 10- 12 hour shift (if she's a doctor) and come home to our family and not be completely exhausted? When then do we have time to read Quran? Go to a sisters halaqah? You cannot have it all, I know from personal experience. Something with have to be sacrificed.
Very true... what about the Man.... all the more why one should consider marrying a carreer woman. With a double income, he can work less and thus more time to focus on the akhira, finish memorizing the quran, go to brothers halaqah. But then again if its akhira the brother is looking for then striving to support the family is on the path I guess. I do wonder however if women really would rather stay home. If there are those that would am sure its a small percentage... in the west atleast while in other countries they've probably got no choice in the matter.

Where is the admiration in marrying an Alimah? or Hafiza?
This was what I really wanted before... but I've been advised not to marry a woman that knows more than me in islam, cuz then she can challeng my authority (but let me worry about finding a pious sister 1st before worrying about her being more pious than me). But as I've said previously if we both had the love of allah and the deen of islam that would more than suffice for compatibility in all levels; compatibility, conversation wise. It would also make it a lot easier to disregard any other petty differences if I knew she was pious.

People who do this end up not marrying until very late and then they realise that they were being to unrealistic. Let us get this notion of perfect partner out of our heads because there is no such thing and we ourselves are not perfect so why should we demand a perfect partner? Let us just look for piety and character and as long as there is chemistry when the two see each other then do ithikhara and take thigns from there. But people complicate things for themselves too much and demand too unrealistic expectations and criterea for their potential spouse.
This is the scariest part about waiting to get married. You tell your self you will wait for the perfect person, others say you are unrealistic. But where exactly is the real line. What is realistic for criteria on piety, on beauty, on character. I mean i've been told wanting someone that wears proper hijab is unrealistic before. So I'll keep waiting hoping i dont cave in after realizing I am just a dreamer. Perhaps dreams do come true, perhaps i'll just wait for that so called "chemistry" and if the deen is all good i'll go for it, since as they say love blinds :-*.
Logged

SisterGirl

  • Guest

I completely disagree, why would the man work less because his wife works? Yes part of your Islamic obligation is to provide for your family. You could use the time you have off and go in Jammat, traveling with the brothers doing the work of Dawah, and learning more themselves about Islam. I know several brothers that have full time jobs, and families and make time to do this on weekends (not every weekend). I am a woman, and I think I probably have more woman friends, sisters, associates than you. I said woman who practice Islam - Pray and cover, either want to stay home and have the husband provide, work from home, or work in an Islamic environment. It is the vast majority of Muslim women that I know that fit into one of those categories, but I dont associate with many that aren't practicing sisters, maybe that's why. For sisters who are not practicing, or career chasers I'm sure the statistics are much different. But those are not the women to be sought after. To each his own.




How much time after our studies and family/husband does that leave us for our Islam? Do we have enough time after working a 10- 12 hour shift (if she's a doctor) and come home to our family and not be completely exhausted? When then do we have time to read Quran? Go to a sisters halaqah? You cannot have it all, I know from personal experience. Something with have to be sacrificed.
Very true... what about the Man.... all the more why one should consider marrying a carreer woman. With a double income, he can work less and thus more time to focus on the akhira, finish memorizing the quran, go to brothers halaqah. But then again if its akhira the brother is looking for then striving to support the family is on the path I guess. I do wonder however if women really would rather stay home. If there are those that would am sure its a small percentage... in the west at least while in other countries they've probably got no choice in the matter.
Logged

brisingr9

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 95

Assalamalaikum,, that's some heavy discussion goin on here...! Anyway as far as my wife is concerned I want her to be god fearing no1 then from a nice decent family , then comes the beauty and finally the wealth. This is what a Muslim should look for according to sunnah..! Many unnecessary queries can be avoided if we all follow the sunnah. Frankly our opinion doesn't matters , what matters is what Allah and his holy apostle has given us as opinion . Things become easier when we follow,, Islam has a solution for everything even before we think about it alhamdullilah !!.
Logged

reeldeel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 90

Alhamdullilah we all agree with deen being the first and most important quality to look for in a wife, some also consider money, beauty, and lineage and as the prophet said thats what men look for in a woman... What we all tend to disagree with is compatibility.

Though the compatitibility issue is not exactly worded in the hadith, I've heard a lecture on marriage that stated that lineage implies compatibility... and includes culture, status, education, and wealth. I personally dont fully agree to what was said in the lecture... but we've got to admit (don't we?) that there should be a certain degree of compatibility between the man and the woman before they get married (this has actually been discussed in an old post somewhere).

But then again maybe they don't need to be compatibile, maybe its the definition of compatibile that is messed up and has brothers believing having a sister from the same profissional background (whether for the sake of salary or for a conversation topic) is what compatible means... ???? ????

Logged

SisterGirl

  • Guest

But then again maybe they don't need to be compatible, maybe its the definition of compatible that is messed up and has brothers believing having a sister from the same professional background (whether for the sake of salary or for a conversation topic) is what compatible means... ???? ????

I think compatibility is very important, some people get divorced because of a lack of compatibility, the man is providing financially, practicing his Islam but there isnt that connection. You should definitely look for someone whom you feel your personalities click and that you are attracted to. From my experience that is what is going to make a couple compatible. The issue that some Muslim men are looking for a colleague/similar professional as a spouse so they will be compatible is just another reason why it's so difficult for Muslim women to get married. It's a maze of excuses, lists, and nonsense (sorry to get negative). They may honestly feel that, it is a great reason to marry a particular woman,  but it is not enough. It will not make a marriage, or make you happy because she has a similar career. My sister was telling me that some of her husbands single Muslims friends will not even talk to a sister unless she has a degree. It just sickens me how so many men can have such a high/ridiculous standard when they are no where near that standard themselves. I just threw up a little bit, it's ok.  It's too annoying for me to talk about this. To me there's no sense in it. I wish I had some distant cousin that I could just marry so I wouldn't have to deal with all this man craziness.  :'(
Logged
Pages: [1] |   Go Up
 
 



Individual posts do not reflect the views of halfmydeen.org. All trademarks and copyrights are owned by their respective owners.
Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © halfmydeen.org