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Author Topic: Venting + need advice  (Read 1166 times)

Anonymous

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Venting + need advice
« on: Mar. 22, 2010, 04:53 AM »

Assalamulikum all,

I just need to a) vent about my problem and hope that in writing it out I can clarify the solution for myself and b) in case the previous option doesn't work, I hope I can get some advice.

To start off, let me just say that I am a practicing muslim woman. I do not believe that dating is okay and have tried my best to stay true to that. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. The only type of relationship I want to have is marriage. But I have also believed that it is okay for men and women to be just friends. (Although recent events have made me doubt that.)

About 8 months ago I met a man during a event at my school. Almost instantly I felt an attraction to him, even though I could not rationalize this attraction (I had just met him so I barely knew anything about him). A few weeks later we added each other on Facebook. And I found out he had a girlfriend. (And before you ask, yes he is muslim and yes he is practicing). Because of this, I did my best to bury my feelings and remain just friends with him.

As time passed, our friendship grew. I feel like we really connect and I value his input. Unfortunately, my original attraction to him did not diminish. Several times I thought about severing our friendship. I worried that it was not healthy to be around him so much when I already had feelings for him. However, the thing that prevented me from doing so is our friendship. I don't have many friends at my school, and so I did not want to lose the one close friend I did have. I told myself that I could repress my feelings and keep being just friends. And since he already had a girlfriend, nothing was going to happen anyways.

Recently, I have noticed a change in our friendship. I feel like he is definitely attracted to me (even though he hasn't said anything directly, I can tell by the way he acts around me). He has also told me that he has been having troubles with his girlfriend. At this point I am so confused.

I have tried to talk to my female muslim friends about this. I expected them to say stay away from him, this is unislamic. Instead one friend said that I should still try for him even if he has a girlfriend, because its not like he's married (i.e. having a girlfriend doesn't count). Another said, I should try because guys will always choose their best friend over their girlfriends anyways. (Mind you, these friends are practicing muslim sisters who wear hijab and pray regularly). Only one friend pointed out that he probably wasn't a good match for me (because he has a girlfriend who isn't muslim and yet he is still "friends" with me) and that my feelings will fade over time.

Right now I am very confused because I don't know if our friendship has somehow already become something more. And if it has should I try to stop it? How do I stop it anyways?

I know that if it wasn't for the girlfriend and if he did express an interest in marriage to me, I would definitely consider him as a potential match. We get along, I find him attractive, we have similar education backgrounds, the age difference is good, and he comes from a stable family. There are some minuses too, such as he seems to be more liberal in his Islam than me and he has a different ethnicity than me.

I feel very uncomfortable with our "friendship" as it now stands. I feel guilty because I feel like we are being unfair to his girlfriend. Even though we haven't done anything besides talk, it feels like he's cheating on her with me. I also feel that what we have is blurring from friendship into something unislamic. I have prayed to Allah about this several times. But I am not sure if Allah didn't bring him into my life for a reason.

Okay, that is the end of my vent/plea for advice.
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naira

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Re: Venting + need advice
« Reply #1 on: Mar. 22, 2010, 07:05 PM »

You deserve better - if he can transgress against Allah(swt) message about mingling and have a girl friend - move on... he is trying to get the best of both worlds... There is a reason Allah allow you to connect to his facebook page... leave him - cut contacts if you can no longer lead a professional relationship with him...
The longer you waste time with with him, the less time you have to find your True love that deserves you...

naira
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d_muslim

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Re: Venting + need advice
« Reply #2 on: Mar. 22, 2010, 10:32 PM »



salam,

hope it reach u in best state of iman. its my first reply and i m not perfect muslim but too devoted due to circumstances and people around me.

In ur case, Allah says when sum1  repent to his sins, he become such  like he never does any sins. So having girlfirend is off course is having non-islamic and haram relationship. So if he cum to u by repenting his past sins, then u have to consider him and think about move on. I have same belive like u, Islam does't support any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but it allows us to search parnter and if it involves true love, it will be more chances to get succedded.

Muslim brother
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Anonymous

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Re: Venting + need advice
« Reply #3 on: Mar. 22, 2010, 11:46 PM »

If you ask me you're playing a very dangerous game. Who's to say after awhile he won't be cheating on you with someone else! Who's to say that he's not cheating ON YOU right now with his real girlfriend and just sort of keeping you around as a backup.

Don't be like those stupid girls that hang around a guy for years, reading into every sign, waiting while he finishes with every girlfriend, wishing that he'd marry you. Don't waste time. Find a guy that likes you for you and is willing to go through the steps to be together. You're going to be in this agony of indecision for years maybe and then will move on. Most likely without him and then where will you be. Just cut off ties, and try to find someone worthy.

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sammie89

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Re: Venting + need advice
« Reply #4 on: Apr. 07, 2010, 05:02 AM »

I agree about your feelings of guilt about the GF. She is the one with the greatest loss in this ( depending on her understanding of Islam, what kind of opinion will she form about Muslim people if she realizes that this guy was only using her because she is non-Muslim { if that's the case}) What really counts are his intentions with that girl. That will tell you the kind of guy he is. This kind of situation can go in any direction, -/+ in terms of advice since we have only limited point of view of situation. ill give you this really general advice:

A) if he is using her for benefits then he is not MATURE enough for you at this time- inshAllah maybe he come to his sense later.
b) he is trying to educate her in Islam and has good intentions although he is dating her.
C) Sometimes males have an extremely clouded understanding of situations. Befriend the girl and understand her point of view about guy's treatment of her.

This may help you figure out if he is worth your time.
- Plus remember Qadar of Allah, so don't wait on this guy maybe he is not for you esp with so many MANLY brothers out there.

hope this helps, and can't wait to see how things turn out for you

PS. When you said school, did you mean HS, cus if so, then REALLY just relax and see what happens and don't take too seriously ;)
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Anonymous

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Re: Venting + need advice
« Reply #5 on: Apr. 07, 2010, 05:09 AM »

sorry,

I take back that HS comment, Ma'am.

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