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Author Topic: Frustrated by shallow brothers  (Read 4641 times)

Anonymous

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Frustrated by shallow brothers
« on: Apr. 05, 2010, 01:01 PM »

I've been in some matrimonial sites are discussed below by a number of years, but still have not found anyone. Most brothers seem to be looking for someone very young, white and never married. And of course it must be beautiful to your standards. This is very frustrating. I'm not ugly (I think) but I'm not young or white or anything else that seems to be looking for. There seems no variety in what they are looking in all or a desire to meet someone on the basis of the Din. How long I can go on like this? As a convert I feel I must leave Din to get married . Very sad.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #1 on: Apr. 05, 2010, 01:07 PM »

Sorry to hear that you are going through that. I hope that you will not leave your deen, i do not wish that on anyone.
May allah bless you with patience.

Insha'allah i will pray for you.
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Anonymous

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #2 on: Apr. 05, 2010, 07:24 PM »

Salaam Sis,
I've been on matrimonial sites for a while now and I feel exactly the same way. It seems like all the guys on the site are looking for airbrushed supermodels. Even the practising brothers can't seem to overcome their egos and superficialilties. Alhmd I know I'm not unattractive, I also know hijab doesn't do me much justice, but unfortunately anyone who is camera shy or is not very photogenic has a hard time on these sites. Deen, personality, character all come AFTER photo approvals. Everyone is just windowshopping.

And there's other contributing factors too - you say it is your age, for me it's the fact that I don't have a career or a job, even though I carried on to postgrad study. Brothers seem to be more interested in a potential being "ambitious and independent" than being in interested in someone who decided against work in order to help her ailing mother run the house. Argh it makes me sick when guys say "I don't need a caretaker or a housewife to stay at home to cook and clean for me". Do men actually understand what it is to be a wife? Why do they see things as black and white? Beautiful - Ugly. Dark - Fair. Professional - Houswife. Fun - Boring.

But you know what sis? Even though it's more difficult to find a husband when you don't have what everyone else is looking for - I am grateful to Allah that he didn't make me what every man wants. I don't want someone to marry me just for my looks, or for my career or any other superficial reason. I know that when I do get married, insha'Allah, it will be to someone who sees me as a human being, for the person I am and not an embodiment of their ego.

Chin up sis, would you ACTUALLY want to marry half those losers anyways? Allah has someone better for you insha'Allah :)

Take care
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #3 on: Apr. 05, 2010, 09:36 PM »

Salaam sisters,

First of all. I definitely dont recommend matrimonial sites. They're predominantly going to be a waste of time.

I couldnt work out where you are both from since you are posting anon.
My biggest problem up until the last 6 months was that i couldnt get "Quality" introductions since i pretty much live in no-mans land, but alhamdulillah i have been able to overcome that hurdle.

So if you are based in the UK, please feel free to PM, and i will point you in the right direction.

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esotericsips

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #4 on: Apr. 05, 2010, 10:07 PM »

Oh I geddit! I'm meant to tick the box if I DON'T want to post anon! Doh! I'm anon 2 btw.

Yeah I am from the UK, Surrey is not quite no man's land, but put it this way...the only Asians in my area are all related to me some way or another :P (Unfortunately the parents are insisting on someone from a Pakistani background for now)

Matrimonial sites waste SO much of my time. I've met a few nice brothers on there, but there have been some compatibility issues. I hate those sites, but I feel like it's the only option I have. I'm sick to death of the rishta aunties calling up and asking my skin colour/weight/how often I go the gym. All the guys on the sites do the same thing but at least I can tell them to sod off ;)
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #5 on: Apr. 05, 2010, 10:46 PM »

By the way, just a quick tip if you're picture isnt doing you justice. "Smile". I assure you, it makes a HUGE difference.
If you can get a photo taken where you are laughing naturally, thats even better.
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Anonymous

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #6 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 01:52 PM »

AAsalmoalikum sisters and Brothers,

Its haditah when Allah creates human, he has written 3 things before sending to earth. Rizzk, partner in life and death. So its already decided and written in our destiny.

But it doesn't mean we have to stop our efforts to looking though, as human being we have to work out and keep active in search. After that leave on Allah and whoever is writtin in your destiny, we will get it. So if u r searching on websites or from any source, think time hasn't been come yet and someone is not in ur destiny. Be patient and keep looking through.

Waslam

Muslim brohter
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #7 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 03:49 PM »

Salams Sister,
Yes it is very sad. It is unfortunate how many of the brothers have these high standards (that they dont even meet themselves) placed on women. There does seem to be a "white only" preference w/ too  many of them, even if its 250lbs+ "white only", thats still better than us somehow. Its very confusing. I do know of a few sisters that have left the deen to marry or enter relationships with non-Muslim men. I dont reccommend or agree with doing that, but I do understand the frustration and where that decision making comes from.
The online Muslim sites are popular but dont seem to be overly successful, dont use those as your only way of searching to get married. If you're a new Muslim try to meet other sisters, they say "everybody knows somebody". Just getting out there a little more can help, also talk to your Imams wife about your situation. Have her talk to her husband about what single brothers he knows, Im sure the Imam knows a lot of brothers in the community. I wish you luck, Have faith in Allah, InshaAllah you will be blessed with a good companion soon.

To the last brother who posted and said to "be patient" I think some people are not grasping the level of seriousness going on here. It really is not about being patient, some sisters have been actively searching for years! Thats years of being patient. What she and others are contemplating is Leaving their religion due the the difficulty they are facing. Patience is not the answer. Family and community involvement may be. There are some sisters who have searched for so long that they have passed child bearing age. So even if they did get married now they would not even be able to have children. This situation that we are in is heatbreaking, many sisters do not have relationships outside of marriage and thus are forced to spend their lives alone due to not being able to find a partner to marry.

 Muslim men need to (in my opinion) be more fair to the women in their search and more open in their criteria. It's like men read other guys profiles online and then put exactly the same thing, there is very little individuality. Istead of saying you are looking for someone "only" white or arab or "from your country", what about "a attractive sister". Being stuck on one race only eliminates a lot of wonderful and (beautiful) sisters from other races. Open your minds, this is affecting our ummah, yes women are leaving Islam! May Allah help us all.
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Anonymous

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #8 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 05:18 PM »

Aasalmoalikum brothers and sisters,

Its haditah " men have to considerd four things when getting marry to women, rank, beauity, character and religious and the one who marry for characher and religious is best". So if we trying to implement this in our life, we can tackle this issue.

Also being patient is the first golden rule to acehive success in any part of life. Try to mix in community and islamic talks and by attending regulerly, diffintly there are potential chances we can find someone who fears from Allah.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #9 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 05:47 PM »

Really sorry to hear you sisters are going through this. I'm also a little bit taken aback, cos i've not heard these cases before. I was in London a few weeks ago, and then also Manchester, and i met alot of single brothers that did NOT have the mindset that you sisters are mentioning.

They werent necessarily set on the "white" idea, they also didnt mind someone that wants to be "just a housewife". Career credentials were not that important to them. From the brothers that i met, most of them just want the simple life, and someone that wont give them "attitude".

I cant stress enough how important it is that you come OFF the matrimonial sites, because they're only going to continue to frustrate you and are not a fair representation of the larger populace. Most brothers on matrimonial sites are not necessarily serious, and if the sisters weren't there, they wouldnt be either.

Ever since i came off the sites i've been far more optimistic. If there is one thing you do today, i would recommend it is this simple set of steps below; - and i guarantee you will see immediately see light at the end of the tunnel.

1. Get together your contact list of all muslim people you know and you trust. Dont just limit yourself to friends, but go for associates, colleagues and people you have done business with

2. Put together a simple email to say "you are currently looking for a suitor" and provide some specific, but brief details of the kind of person you are looking for (this is a crucial step so dont miss this out. ambiguity evades action)

3. Then explain a little about yourself, and implore the person you are emailing that you "really need this assistance, and if they know or hear of anyone that is looking OR know of anyone that might be able to assist you in your search, to let you know".

IMPORTANT - Make sure you actively chase up all responses to your initial communication


Seriously, i tried this in October. I let go of my pride, and i started getting a response within a day. Speak to as many people as you can out of your own local and extended networks. Get as many people involved as you can.

I wish you all the best in your search. Truly i do. I am convinced you will start to see, the right kind of brothers are out there for you. Not every brother is looking for a white 21 year old. I assure you.

If you need any more tips. just ask.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #10 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 07:30 PM »

Thank you Eemo for such a positive response, yes the sisters are struggling, its nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I myself am not without hope, but I know a lot of other sisters who after years of searching have given up and now have non muslim boyfriends, have had children and are not married. I feel like as a community we are failing these women. The online sites are largely a waste of time, but I do know several people who have met online and are happily married, so that continues to give some sisters hope. There are a lot of brothers from the UK on there, I guess the UK is where to be  ;)
I think your tips are correct, call your family friends, get their help. It takes a lot of work unfortunately, you have to stay active in your search and try new things.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #11 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 08:09 PM »

Well i cant comment if the situation is necessarily better in the UK, but its certainly different. Only the man with a fancy car, a big house and a high flying job gets married early here, unless his parents are open-minded enough that he can cross cultural barriers.

If you're not a "professional" you generally don't get a second look regardless of your character and your deen. But again, I am hopeful. I think people are starting to wake up to these superficial ideals now.
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jannah

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #12 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 08:46 PM »

I agree with the original sister who posted on shallow brothers. I often get a lot of interest from seemingly very religious brothers w/beards who pray/fast etc etc and they all write how they want a pious wife blah blah, but then they look at a few pictures once and that's it. I honestly just don't get it. I don't believe I'm ThAT ugly either, Allahu alam :) I also don't put up the most flattering pics because I want people to get an idea of how I am regularly everyday. But maybe I should get some glamour shots?? But do I really want to marry guys like that. It's a conundrum that never ends.

I think the brothers that end up on these websites are the extremely picky ones that are looking for some kind of extreme ideal. And the format of these websites is designed to increase their shallowness by focusing only on pictures and more pictures. If you don't have a picture of your face in detail you are removed from the searches. This for Muslim sites? Hmm. Yeah ok.

Anyway I know sisters who have left being Muslim/letting people know they are Muslim/stopped wearing Hijab because it is easier to find someone that way. I can't say I haven't considered it either. Really I can't. What stops me is faith in Allah and hope and perhaps it is my Qadr to remain unmarried. Allahu alam.

I think as sisters we do need to make some very big compromises if we want to get married. We need to get off these sites and try to network with people in person. With other sisters, other people, Muslim and non-Muslim. And I think we should be open to men who are not Muslim but may be interested in Islam/converting too. I mean why not. Also we need to consider moving, moving overseas, marrying guys that are a lot younger or older. Unfortunately in life, it is we who will have to compromise.

Anyway sisters we're totally in the same boat. May Allah have mercy on us all. Ameen.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #13 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 09:56 PM »

Salams,
Jannah I agreed with a lot of what you said but not all. I dont think we should look into brothers who are not Muslim but may be interested in converting. I dont want to be part of someone's decision to become Muslim, they should do it only becasue its what they believe. Islam is in everything we do, its a way of life and it's too much to do (even partly) for another person. I would think that a brother could just go back to his old ways if he converted partly becasue of me.

But the dynamic on the sites does appear to be very off, it is largely focused on appearance, allowing people to only search profiles with photos, and a lot of people dont even replying if you dont have your photo up. But again I have to take it there -These brothers want a sister who is a 10, slim, fair, blah blah blah - brother you're not a 10, you're not even a 7! Get a grip, some of these brothers look like a hot mess, but sisters are still willing to talk to them and look at the whole package. It's what Eemo said, its just a waste of time, the whole thing makes me want to throw up.  ::)

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esotericsips

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #14 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 10:58 PM »

@Eemo

Where abouts are these brothers hiding in London?? I sure haven't some across any! My mother has got to the point where she's begging me to find a job just so that she can "have something to tell people". So I'm absolutely refusing to work ;)

And what's with the guys the guys insisting a women is "active"? Since when did a gym membership become criteria for marriage?? SO yeah, I'm refusing to also join the gym. I am also considering living on junk food for the rest of my life and getting FAT, and also sitting in the sun all day until winter to get a proper tan... All in protest.

Suppose that won't really help my case :P
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