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Author Topic: Frustrated by shallow brothers  (Read 4897 times)

Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #15 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 11:12 PM »

@Esotericsips , I PM'd you with some info last night
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esotericsips

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #16 on: Apr. 06, 2010, 11:37 PM »

Sorry, only got chance to reply now. Please let me know details about how it works? Am kinda sceptical of any type of matrimonial processes! Jzk.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #17 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 02:54 AM »

@Eemo

Where abouts are these brothers hiding in London?? I sure haven't some across any! My mother has got to the point where she's begging me to find a job just so that she can "have something to tell people". So I'm absolutely refusing to work ;)

And what's with the guys the guys insisting a women is "active"? Since when did a gym membership become criteria for marriage?? SO yeah, I'm refusing to also join the gym. I am also considering living on junk food for the rest of my life and getting FAT, and also sitting in the sun all day until winter to get a proper tan... All in protest.

Suppose that won't really help my case :P

Yes I have noticed the "active" comments and trend now also. So it's not enough that I'm slim, I also have to be a gym addict too? The thing that is so dumb about those sites and the ridicules lists and criteria some people have is you can't "create" a person. Yes that might be your ideal woman, but you have to be realistic, no one will come to you exactly as you want them. Some people seem to be arrogant about their exclusive criteria. One profile I was reading the other day was like "this is only for 1% of all women" they think they are superior or something and are going to find some rare jewel. No. they'll just be single for a few years until they grow up and marry a real woman. But im deleting my profile (again) so I don’t have to be irritated by that mess anymore.  ::)
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jannah

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #18 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 03:55 AM »

lol! sistergirl that's totally what i end up doing every so often too... get totally frustrated and delete everything. then i think.............. well what if there is someone normal out there finally and he's just out there searching like me?? then i get sucked back into it :(
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #19 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 05:44 AM »

Yeah the online thing is just a vicious cycle. My family is finally taking more initiative and getting involved and looking for me. My sis has found a couple of brothers so we'll see what happens. You just have to threaten the lazy ones in your family to take action. Like "I think im a lesbian, and if you dont help me find a husband I know I'll be one for sure ".  ;D
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #20 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 11:17 AM »

@Sistergirl , that's a really clever way of invoking action from your peers. Maybe i should tell my folks i might become a male lesbian. .... oh wait! Thats not right! lol.

Anyway. Alhamdulillah, im so thankful that i've now got a good network of people i can speak to who are helping me, and ma'shallah my father was initially pre-occupied due to his work before, but now he has been able to help me, and that is very comforting.

I'm so impressed with my dad. He has realised very quickly that people are placing very superficial demands on potential suitors, and he even said in his own words that in many cases the parents are actually making the situation worse, and then the 'kids' feel pressured to follow suit. So im really glad that he has understood the situation very quickly.

and yesterday a brother called me to introduce me to someone, and we had a chat about things. He finally got married about 18 months ago after many years of searching. He told me two things that really made me think.

1) "Always discuss artificial scenarios with the other party, regardless of how trivial they may seem to get an indication of how they would react in a certain situation, even if you never tend to live out that scenario." he said this helps get a better understanding of the other person than asking them "What kind of a person are you" type questions. I thought that was an interesting way to do things.

2) He also said, that he always tries to remind his sisters (who are also now looking) that "go for the guy that will make you FEEL like a million dollars, and not the one that necessarily HAS a milllion dollars" - Again, interesting thought

Just thought i'd share ;-)
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Anonymous

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #21 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 01:57 PM »

Aasalmaolaikum,

i realy liked it your words Emeo, its very thoughful. but today many girls are acutalyy goes to people who posses  million dollars and then results borken marriages. Actualy beauity is beauity of heart and honest person who makes and treat u like queen.  I realy enjoy reading ur posts and its helping me as well.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #22 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 02:57 PM »

2) He also said, that he always tries to remind his sisters (who are also now looking) that "go for the guy that will make you FEEL like a million dollars, and not the one that necessarily HAS a milllion dollars" - Again, interesting thought
There are some sisters who are focused mainly on finding a husband mainly for his wealth. From what I've seen it isnt the inherent shallowness of these sisters but the demands of their parents like, he has to be a doctor or engineer. So the girls follow suit cause they know their parents wont entertain any other suiters. When I was younger and a pakastni friend of mine was getting married that was basically what she had to go by. And of course he couldn't just be a doctor and a good Muslim he also had to only be pakastani.

However that does not seem to be the case with any of the sisters I know and some of the ones who have shared their experiences on this board. The men cant get past their laundry lists of perfection to even SPEAK to us. So they have no way of knowing if we're good Muslims, if we are interested in them for their deen or character and not their wealth. If any brother is having a problem finding a wife, try opening up your criteria. Maybe instead of looking only in your own race, look at Muslims of all races. Maybe instead of ruling out women who have been previously married you allow yourself to get to know someone that you normally wouldn't. If what your doing now isnt working, try something differrent.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #23 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 03:09 PM »

@SisterGirl , yes i agree . I went to a marriage event about 2 weeks ago and there were over 40 sisters there of which a large percentage didnt even consider me just because im not in one of those professions.

Personally, i've been expanding my network beyond my race as much as i can. Its still taking some persuading where my parents are concerned, but im all for it. I mean, why not? The prophet(PBUH) encouraged this and set the example, so why are we not following suit.

The only thing that im personaly uncomfortable with is someone who was previously married. Its a problem with my own psyche and i so wish i could overcome that  mental block, but i just havent been able to.

Alot of the brothers that i have met personally dont have a long laundry list at all. Again, i think thats something that only happens on the matrimonial sites.
In fact, my experience has been the opposite. I have met sisters who have had a huge set of criteria that her potential suitor has to match. I dont even bother taking it a step further.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #24 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 03:21 PM »

Wsalaam Anon,

Glad your spirits are lifted.

We should all help, support and encourage each other as much as we can. Thats what makes an Ummah.
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Anonymous

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #25 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 03:25 PM »

Aasalmaoalikum,

i have been in number of matrimonial sites before and relised what we are discussing here is totaly opposeite when people come to set criteria and then work out according to this. Personally i am type of person, i hav no laundry list and i have feelings for sum1 only for her characher and religious nature nothing else. i don't care about anything else either she has money,status  . World put her in condition where she feels like non worthy but for me she is billion dollar. but after all still people don't understand  and doesn't care about this. So when people talk about we have to work out to find suit according to sunna, and when things are actually to implement. there is huge difference between preaching and practicse. Allah hate people those who have different belives and they act differently.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #26 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 04:30 PM »

@SisterGirl , yes i agree . I went to a marriage event about 2 weeks ago and there were over 40 sisters there of which a large percentage didnt even consider me just because im not in one of those professions.

Personally, i've been expanding my network beyond my race as much as i can. Its still taking some persuading where my parents are concerned, but im all for it. I mean, why not? The prophet(PBUH) encouraged this and set the example, so why are we not following suit.

The only thing that im personaly uncomfortable with is someone who was previously married. Its a problem with my own psyche and i so wish i could overcome that  mental block, but i just havent been able to.

Alot of the brothers that i have met personally dont have a long laundry list at all. Again, i think thats something that only happens on the matrimonial sites.
In fact, my experience has been the opposite. I have met sisters who have had a huge set of criteria that her potential suitor has to match. I dont even bother taking it a step further.

@Eemo
You don’t have to look into marrying someone who is divorced if that's not what your comfortable with. My point was mainly to brothers who seem to be expressing difficulty in finding a spouse but they will only consider a sister in the same culture, sect, occupation, never married, super skinny, no children etc. (not neccesarily having all of those demands, but most of them are'nt helping you if you have them). I just feel like if your criteria is demanding expect your search to be difficult, don’t come on and complain about the sisters when your superior standards are the issue. If any brother is having a problem finding a sister ask yourself, Am I open and searching for good Muslimahs of all races?
If not you may want to stop discriminating based on race, your ideal spouse that is written for you in this life, that is somewhere searching for you too- Islam does not say that this person will be the same race as you. Again, open your eyes.
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Eemo

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #27 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 04:32 PM »

Most of the brothers that i met at the marriage event didnt mind what culture or nationality the sister was from. I could be wrong, but in my recent experience (at least here in the UK) the brothers seem to be more open minded about where they should look.
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SisterGirl

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #28 on: Apr. 08, 2010, 06:37 PM »

@Eemo,
Yeah that's good. But that's not the case in the US
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jannah

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Re: Frustrated by shallow brothers
« Reply #29 on: Apr. 09, 2010, 11:01 PM »

I'd just like to add that many brothers (with good but impractical intentions) "say that" they are open to a lot of things, but when it comes down to it, they have a very hard times making their parents accept their choices. Eemo and others I'd suggest you really discuss this seriously with your parents. There's no point in starting something with a sister when it is not going to work out. A lot of times brothers think they can convince their parents to whatever choice they want, but it doesn't often work out like that. It's very difficult to go against parents. You'd be surprised how many brothers were shocked that their parents were like no way, or even went to very sad emotional blackmail lengths to stop them. So just saying... don't go off on your own when your parents are not on board unless you are independent from them.
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