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Author Topic: Dazed and Perturbed - Will it end well; is it worth all my effort?  (Read 1564 times)

Ash

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Asslaamualaikum.....I know this is a long story but I really need some opinions

I am a 24 year old Indian Muslim female from South Africa.
The lifestyle of a Muslim woman in my country is not very Islamic ally orientated.
We are allowed to study in co-ed universities, we mix a lot with the opposite sex, and we have quite a bit of freedom compared to living in a more Islamic/Shariah inclined country. Muslim sisters in my country are career orientated, with 80% having a tertiary education, and then landing a great job after. Lots of men are quite intimidated by a successful woman, and Muslim men in particular feel their pride and ego come into play when dealing with an educated woman. I don’t know if they feel like less of a man, and maybe I agree somewhat to their feelings of inadequacy, because it is the man’s job to provide for his family. But it is so hard to find a man who is strong enough within himself to date or want to get know an educated, independent woman with a well earning job.

Even though I know in Islam we cannot “date” a person, and must not be left alone with him, it does still happen. Try as we might, we cannot get away from the fact that women and men do make plans to meet up and get to know each other. I was in a three year relationship (from 19-22) with a boy that was studying with me at university. Unfortunately that didn’t work out, and in 2008 he broke up with me (which is strange because a few months ago he came back asking if we could give it another chance). It took a while for me to get over him, as I thought he would be the man I would marry. I was heartbroken, and felt at a loss in this world. I didn’t know where I fit in; I thought there was something wrong with me. He was my best friend, my everything. I thought I loved him (now I can realise that it wasn’t so much love, more obsessive controlling feelings that I had. Because I believe love shouldn’t be hard and cold and cruel, which was what our relationship was mostly about). I had to stand there and ask him “pick me, choose me, love.” And he would toy with my feelings. My family and friends begged me to leave him, as they could see he was no good for me, and was leading me down a path of destruction. I was never a “practising Muslim” as such. I read my Jumah salah and fasted during Ramadan. I was a good, naive girl, until I met him.

He didn’t force me to change my lifestyle, but of course when you keep bad company, you automatically start imitating them. So I stopped reading my salah, I never stopped believing in Allah, but I just didn’t think about life after death. All that mattered was the here and now.

After our relationship ended, I embarked on this road of self-discovery. There was no-where I could turn to but to Allah. No-one could help ease my pain and hurt, no-one could comprehend how broken and alone I felt. Even though I was surrounded and supported by my family and friends. I turned to Allah and my religion, which basically saved my life. So I am grateful for that relationship that ended for it led me into the folds of Islam. I believe all the links in our lives are so very important, they teach us many important lessons, and I would not change anything, for it helped me get closer to Allah. Over a year and a half, I changed slowly and surely for the better. I started reading my five times salah, I started trusting Allah more, and praying with concentration and humility, I started dressing more conservatively, and last year September I decided to go into Hijab. That was the best decision of my life. I love my Hijab, and feel safe and proud as a Muslim woman walking down the street.

I’m lucky in South Africa; there is not much discrimination towards Muslims. It’s not as rife, as in other western countries. I got a job at huge firm and slowly started building my life with Allah’s help and guidance. I did meet boys after my relationship ended, but there was just no spark. I am a girl who knows right off the bat if I’m interested in someone or not. I started resigning myself to the fact that maybe I will be alone for the rest of my life, as I just couldn’t find someone interesting enough to capture my attention.

Then one day, early in January 2010 I was on holiday with my family, when the most amazing man walked into my life. My family were at a restaurant having brunch, and I had slept in late at the hotel. I was feeling lazy and decided not to meet them at the restaurant, but take my time and get ready. I just wanted to relax this holiday and not rush around. But my dad called, and asked me to join them, and I agreed half-heartedly. We were a big table (as you know Indian people have huge families, uncles, aunts, cousins etc). My family is very jokey and lively, and they started teasing me to get married now. We were talking about my wedding (don’t ask me why, because I didn’t even have a man), but I found myself chatting along. Just then a man walked pass with his cousin, and my aunt said “Ash, there is a potential for you.” I barely looked up from my strawberry juice, he was cute, but I really wasn’t interested, I just felt I was jinxed when it came to relationships. About half an hour later, as we were getting up to leave, I saw the man my aunt pointed out to me, get up and slip the waitress a note. I just knew, I got this feeling in me that the note was for me, and true enough, the waitress slipped beside me before I left and handed me the note. It said “Salaams/Hi. I can’t help looking at you, you’re gorgeous. Please can we meet?” and he left his number. My aunt and mum and cousins were all teasing me, and they said I should meet up with him later. My dad obviously didn’t know anything about this.

After much persuasion from my cousin, I messaged him and we agreed to meet later in the evening. I wasn’t excited, I wasn’t feeling anything. I was so used to being disappointed in men that I didn’t expect much. Boy was I wrong.

We met that evening, and hit it off. We spoke non-stop and we walked on the beach. He was so sweet and funny. It had been so long since I connected with anyone. I really enjoyed my evening. He told me he was married before, but it ended up in divorce. That didn’t bother me, as I know divorce happens, and most of the Sahabah had even been through a few divorces.

After that we stayed in contact. He lives in a different town than where I stay, so there is the issue of distance. But maybe it’s better that way, as I feel so guilty even when holding his hand. The fact that I am in hijab means I have to do things the right way. That little piece of material comes with a lot of responsibility. We talked every night and slowly but surely we started having feelings for each other. Two months into our relationship his father passed away unexpectedly.

I really felt his pain, and was there for him through it all. I felt the way we met, and the timing of when we met was meant to be. I felt that I came into his life to be there for him during his father death. He leaned on me, and told me I was all he had left, I mustn’t leave him. It was tough, because he had various mood swings, he was nice one day and horrible the next. But my family told me to have patience, as this was as much my test as it was his.

Six months into our relationship, he is starting to heal. He is truly an amazing man, very strong and caring. Even though we hardly see each other, I am falling in love with him. And he is too. I have never felt like this for anyone in my life, not even my ex. He tells me he wants me to meet his mother, since I’m her future daughter in law, he speaks about or future lives together; he says I am his etc. And yet at other times it feels as if he wants me to see other people, he will say things like “how many other guys are you seeing?” and “one day when you married, you must never forget me.” So it confuses me at times. And then other instances he will say he is falling for me, and we have some kind of kismet connection.

 But I’m so scared that something is going to go wrong, and it’s going to be snatched away from me. I know I should trust Allah, and I am still striving to get closer to our All Mighty creator, but there are days, where I just feel it’s my test to be alone, and so I want to break it off with him. I don’t want to get deep into this and then get hurt. I want to get married, and see how it goes, but I also don’t want to push him into a marriage. I want to be a wife and have kids. I adore children, and feel that one of the things I’m really good at is being with and dealing with kids.

He is 29 this year, and does want to get married again. But the mixed signals he gives me at times really confuses me. As it is, I am a Gemini, so I’m a naturally indecisive person. Then there is also the fact that what we are doing is haraam. Even being alone together or holding hands eats at me afterwards. I sit on the musilah after namaaz, and the guilt that I feel overwhelms me, and I beg Allah for forgiveness for committing all these sins.

I feel like Allah will take it all away from me as a punishment, and that’s why I want to get married and make it all halaal, but how do I force someone into it? I can’t do that. He insists that we get to know each other and maybe at the end of the year see how it goes. But the guilt I feel and also the uncertainty of his feelings for me, are causing me great distress. I don’t want to disappoint Allah, and I don’t want to get hurt, and a part of me just wants to break it off, and run away. Forget about him, block him out and cut all contact.

But then at the same time, we met under such beautiful and unusual circumstances, and never have I had a connection like this before. And when he’s father passed away, I felt like we had met, so that I could be there for him during that tough time. I just feel like we are meant to be, and its shaytaan giving me all these doubts, but then again maybe I just want to believe we are meant to be, because I don’t want to be alone.

Any advice??
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3bdiAllaah

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wa alaekum asalam

"I don’t want to disappoint Allah, and I don’t want to get hurt, and a part of me just wants to break it off, and run away. Forget about him, block him out and cut all contact."

this part is right, totally right

ok that was just the bottom line

i come from pakistan and the situation u mentioned is extremely similar, women get to get into universities more than men, so less men get to get there

what happens then is that women after they graduate are like 22-24
which is a dangerous age, furthermore many women as there are no proposals start further education and by the time they are 25 they have a good job a MS degree but now..... proposals have disappeared yes?

yes of course,

i would completely blame parents here, with almost zero know how of deen and a hundered percent focus on dunya makes them blind, they should be worried about their daughters as soon as they turn 16

they want their sons to just keep getting good grades good education and go on and on and on
while these guys, like me who tend to think or sometimes overthink about marriage end up killing the very desire of marriage just to make themselves more stable

so now this guy is 25 and he does NOT want to get married
he was fed up and now he thinks can live with the situation
he doesnt want to take any responsibility and this messes up chances for sisters even more

getting back to the point.

that was very good alhamdulil Allaah you came to Islam and now you are practising

about the amazing guy

""And yet at other times it feels as if he wants me to see other people, he will say things like “how many other guys are you seeing?” and “one day when you married, you must never forget me.”"

this guy is confused, AND he IS most prlly toying with your emotions
yes.. again

these kind of *relationships* rarely end up in marriage
AND
these marriages mostly FAIL

u may be angry at me now, that i m being negative
i am a man and i can tell you, when a man talks to women like this, what it really means

anyone, who would be actually serious about you (and practising muslim), would not talk to you in private or would not go out with you

rather he would arrange meeting with you in presence of your parents and be positive about marriage

men easily get fed up with women, unless there is something very special about the woman which keeps them hooked, and the thing is deen is the most potent thing which would keep a practising brother hooked

and naturally he would try to marry you

""I can’t do that. He insists that we get to know each other and maybe at the end of the year see how it goes.""

yeah, he IS most prlly playing with you

try giving him a cold shoulder and ask him to talk to your parents
if my analysis is correct, he would NEVER talk to your parents

if he is serious and you ask him to talk to your parents, he ll NOT give an immidiate postive response
but then. he wants to keep it in the bush,

"He insists that we get to know each other and maybe at the end of the year see how it goes."

well, my opinion, stop talking to him, he is a non mahram, simple, haram

Allaah does not and will not EVER forsake the believers
do you think Allaah will forsake you and a good proposal will not come?
that of a practising muslim?

yes what you have to do is to keep a circle of sisters who are into this thing, and let the local brothers know that you exist, of course while being within the premise of sharia

maybe you would like to follow the sunnah of umm khadijah r.a and actually propose a brother if you deem fit

all the best insha Allaah


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skhansj

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Assalamalaikum sister Ash,
I hope that this message finds you in the best of health and Eeman.

This life is full of struggles, tests and challenges. We sometimes find ourselves in situations that are difficult to understand and even more difficult to change. your situation is no less challenging, you have on one hand the hope that you have found someone to be your companion, your friend and protector, who may be the husband you yearn for. On the other hand you have the limits imposed by Almighty Allah on his creation, which are meant to bring you closer to Him (the one who truly loves you) and protect you from His anger.

These may or may nor be irreconcilable. I do not know enough of your situation to make a comment, and am worried that too much detail shared may not be really good for you either.

I would urge you to keep life uncomplicated and stick to the limits that Almighty Allah has prescribed. Don't ever be alone with this individual, as the Shaitan then becomes irresistible to you both; remember where you came from (the nutfah) and where you'll end up (an apparently cold grave, which may insha'Allah be one of the gardens of paradise).

Remember that Zina is a form of Zulm on yourself (yes, you are hurting yourself now and in the afterlife). and can involve something as innocuous as a gaze, the wrong words and which lead to the wrong actions. You want your body to testify on your behalf rather than against you when you are in front of the Master of the day of judgment (azza wa jal).

Also, read about some of the companions of the Prophet.. for example, the story of the lady of Medina on the day of the battle of Uhud is very inspirational:

Quote
In the Battle of Uhud, when victory was converted into defeat, the rumour of the death of the Prophet(saw) reached Medina. The women and children rushed to Uhud. A woman from Bani Dinar ran in anguish to the battle field. A returning soldier met her and told her that her husband, her father and her brother, and according to some reports her son also, had died in the battle. She said to the soldier, "I care not for any of them. Tell me about the Prophet of God". When she was told that the Prophet(saw) was all right as she wished, she went to the Prophet(saw) and said to him, "O Prophet of God, if you are alive, I care not who else dies".

This honourable lady's life had completely changed in this battle, but look at where her hopes, dreams and inspirations lay. You are not yet even married to this individual; this lady had lost her husband, her father, her brother and her son.

It is heart-wrenching that we cannot see, help or follow the Prophet (SAW) directly nowadays, and I wish every day to have been at the time of the sahabah. However, our Prophet (SAW) gave us sincere advice on how to lead our lives, and to practice taqwa (which is to always be in a state pleasing to the Almighty). Any one of us can approach the status of some of the sahabah insha'Allah by keeping our intentions clean, and doing that which pleases Allah. Even today, you can send your salaams to the Prophets (which you probably do during the last rakat of the prayers) and they are responded to. The hearts of the Prophets are always alive. Be like the honourable lady of medina, and live to please the one who created you and to bring honor to the messenger to whom we owe so much.

I make sincere dua that you do the right thing sister. If you make your intentions clean and always do things that you feel would please Allah (rather than following the nafs), insha'Allah the outcome would be good.

Be gentle in your actions, and don't do anything hasty or harsh. I like the story of Umm Hakim, the wife of Ikrimah ibn Abu Jahl, and how she stuck to her principles after she become a Muslim (during the Victory of Mecca). There are deep lessons for us to learn from this story. If a lady who was an avowed enemy of the Rasul'Allah (saw) could practice such sincere taqwa, insha'Allah a wonderful sister like you who was born a Muslim  may attain even greater heights in this life and the next.

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Ash

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Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement. I will very definitely have a think about my situation, as I know that what I am doing is wrong. It’s always at the back of my mind, how do I expect to attain contentment and please Allah whilst I’m corrupting my soul in this manner.

I guess this is a test of faith for me. We as humans always think we have control, and if we don’t do this, we may lose out, and if we don’t fight hard enough for someone then we will be lonely and unhappy for the rest of our lives. When in actual fact, Allah All Mighty is the Rabb of the universe, and he is The Provider. Sure He gave us choices in certain matters, but the ultimate control belongs to Him. I must learn to trust him, and He will provide from places unknown.

It’s hard I won’t lie, but I would rather strive to get closer to Him. Your story about the righteous women during the times of our Prophet SAW has truly inspired me. That’s who I want to be one day Allah willing.

Thanks for the reminder once again that this world is only for a short time, and we must actually live to make a life for the Akirah.
Let Allah be our Sustainer and have control of our affairs.
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3bdiAllaah

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al praise due to Allaah
indeed a wise decision
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skhansj

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Ameen to your beautiful duas sister. May Almighty Allah bring us all closer to him (Amen).

In Surah Imran (Ayats 130 to 136), it is mentioned that even the people of taqwa commit sins, and that we have to turn to Allah for His forgiveness.

It is a powerful trick of the Shaitaan to make us lose hope in the forgiveness of our Allah. We should never let his deception destroy us.

May Almighy Allah makes us strong, and among those who always repose our trust in Him.

Sister Ash, If you do what you say you will, I have every confidence that Almighty Allah will reward your trust in him with a recompense that is beautiful beyond what we can imagine. May Almighty Allah make us all among those he has taken to success.

Please make dua for your brothers and sisters in this community, as well as all over the world. We all need access to the same source of strength that you are tapping into insha'Allah.

- Shahzad
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