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Author Topic: HELP! Ways of Looking for a spouse?  (Read 1030 times)

SweetSunnah

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HELP! Ways of Looking for a spouse?
« on: Jul. 29, 2010, 04:57 PM »

Asslamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

May this find you all in the best of circumstances ameen.

I was wondering can someone offer advice on ways of looking for a spouse?

I come from a pakistani family maashaa Allah. Alhamdulillah they are open minded. But as this is the first time they've needed ventured outside our family and inner circle. They don't really know where to look or how to go about it. I think they have alot of fear of what families are like and so far every family has just confirmed my families fears! subhanAllah!

Also the other thing is my father ... my walee has made every effort to look at each proposal and follow up on each brother with due diligence yet the attitude and behaviours of these brothers and their respective families leaves alot to be desired as it falls far short of the Sunnah laid out by the Messenger of Allah Salalahu alayhi wa sallam! I am surprised at the way muslim treat the subject of marriage... as if the example of our Noble Messenger Salalahu alayhi wa sallam was somehow irrelevant!
The conduct and etiquette of these brothers and their families has been cause for my family and I to reach a point of frustration which is severely disappointing. I'm afraid that this ordeal is taking a toll on my elderly father as he has pursued this endeavor to find me a suitable Muslim man to be my husband. I dislike the way he has been treated. This has caused me to question my approach to this whole matter. Perhaps there is something my family and I are doing or not doing which is causing us to be in distress. I put my trust and faith in Allah SWT which is why I have not given up but I believe the time has come to reach out to you all in this small community in order to benefit from advice that may assist me and my family.

One day Prophet Muhammad,( peace and blessings be upon him,) noticed a Bedouin leaving his camel without tying it.
He asked the Bedouin,
"Why don't you tie down your camel?" The Bedouin answered,
"I put my trust in Allah." The Prophet
( peace and blessings be upon him) then said:-
"Tie your camel first, then put your trust in Allah"
(Tirmidhi)

InshaAllah maybe the wisdom Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has imparted on one of you will be of benefit to me.

Just halaal options please.

Forgive me if i've said anything that may offend or come across hurtful.

Fe'aman'illah
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skhansj

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Re: HELP! Ways of Looking for a spouse?
« Reply #1 on: Jul. 31, 2010, 01:24 AM »

Salaams Sister,
You may be interested in some insights from some marketing research I read earlier, in an excellent book on the diffusion of ideas and networks
http://www.amazon.com/Diffusion-Innovations-5th-Everett-Rogers/dp/0743222091/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280531962&sr=8-1

Rogers stated that the best opportunities come from networks that you are 'loosely connected to'. The people you and you family spend all your time with may not actually contain potential husbands (or they may, but there will be a limited pool there).

You need to look into other 'networks' as well, ask your father to talk to his childhood friends, ask for referral from the Imam in the masjid, or from local scholars that you respect. Essentially, 'cast the net' a bit wider. However, make sure that your search is 'grounded' in solid referrals and stick to high quality groups. The person you contact will make a big difference in the candidates you turn up.

I'd probably avoid the naseebs and facebooks at your age. Many of those are a one-way street to heart-break. You have a classic 'adverse-selection' problem here (borrowing from economic theory where the phenomenon of lemons have been extensively studied).

Apologies if this posting was a bit more clinical that what you were expecting, but a clear question always deserves a clear answer (at least in my books).  :)

Best of luck.

With dua,

skhansj

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hitmark

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Re: HELP! Ways of Looking for a spouse?
« Reply #2 on: Aug. 05, 2010, 07:33 AM »

Ya, you are right that it is difficult to know from inside about new family. Why not you first thing about any good one form your own family. In Pakistan, it is easy.
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