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Author Topic: The Courtship Game  (Read 2501 times)

reeldeel

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The Courtship Game
« on: Oct. 27, 2010, 11:19 PM »

I’ve been shown a sister and told a little bit a about her. It’s probably the first time i’ve ever felt above 90% sure she’s the one. The match has been made by parents, i’ve been given her number but how do I proceed.
A)  8) Player personality, don’t show how much am into this, be cool and play the ‘game’... you know the personality... imagine Will Smith in Hitch.
B)  :-* Go all out show her how much in love I am, woo her with poetry, lyrics etc..typically seen in Bollywood.
C)  :-\ Go Sheikh style no emotional involvement, discuss only what needs to be discussed since the love comes after marriage.
It most likely would be a mixture of all three, but which does one incline more towards.
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Nannysam

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #1 on: Oct. 27, 2010, 11:49 PM »

Salaam brother, I hope ur in the best of health and imaan, inshAllah. Well we all know what the islaimic perspective wud be and thats c...right?
But looking at it from a sisters (girlie girl) perspective i think it wud be nice if you kinda told her she was the one.,,Brothers we sisters (most of us)lol are very insecure....And if you show her how much you would like for this marriage to go ahead im sure she could feel a llittle at ease.. Playing it alll Will Smith style may give the wrong impresssion and defo don;t go all romanatic bollywood style i think she may find that a little weird lol...So my advice wud be take option c, but with bits of option a and b...Hope that helps and gud luck bro, May Allah make your task easy...
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JenBean71

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #2 on: Oct. 28, 2010, 06:14 AM »

Asalam alaikum,

Just be yourself and I agree - definitely let her know shes the only one for you. Don't be too cool -it might make her feel she's one of many and not that important. It doesn't have to be at the Bollywood level. Let her know you are beyond interested and are ready for serious committment, and "Sheikh it up" a bit.
Send flowers the next day for emphasis
:D

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Al-Qamar

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #3 on: Oct. 28, 2010, 04:33 PM »

How about option D... just be yourself and say what comes naturally?

If you try to put on a false pretence, it may fall flat, and you'll be presenting yourself to her in a false image. She's a human being, just like you. Just talk to her as you would talk to anyone else, because that's the only way she's going to guage your personality and you can guage hers.

At least then if there is rejection from her side, you can be happy that things weren't meant to be (whereas otherwise you may end up kicking yourself from putting on a 'front' if you will)
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reeldeel

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #4 on: Oct. 29, 2010, 06:35 PM »

Option D sounds great but we all put up a front or persona for different situations. The way one is with parents is different from that with friends, boss, colleagues, extended family etc. So normally one would put up the social mask that comes naturally when dealing with the relevant group of people. But the problem is when you’ve never interacted with this category and don’t know what comes natural... but then again maybe am just schizophrenic...

@Nannysam: you say I should tell her she’s the one... but is there such a thing as playing hard to get in this situation when she already knows am looking for a wife? If a brother comes up to you ready to get married right away without even getting to know you more wouldn’t that be a bit creepy? I say this because I come from a culture where courtship goes on for at least a year. I feel that’s too long, but if I push for a shorter period I think it may be unattractive, pushy, needy... etc.

perhaps am thinking too far into things.. I havent even made the first call yet. Inshallah tonight.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #5 on: Oct. 29, 2010, 08:15 PM »

I don't understand how people keep up the different 'faces', it's too much effort for me. Parents, family, friends, sheikhs and work colleagues all get the same person... pretence brings no benefit
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reeldeel

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #6 on: Oct. 30, 2010, 02:11 AM »

So I spoke to her today it went pretty well I think, I was very nervous until I discovered she was even more nervous than me. Thanks for all the advice y’all. If only there was an idiot’s guide to courtship in Islam. The Over the phone chapter would really be helpful to me, but until that’s available... someone tell me
# what to talk about
# how often to call
# call duration
You got to love the web, especially the anonymity of communication.
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cinders

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #7 on: Oct. 30, 2010, 03:06 AM »

Assalamu alaykum,
Alhamdulillah that's good. Just be yourself on phone and subjects may include
•how many siblings etc & where you guys are placed in family.. Who's married & not
•what your job/career entails
I wouldn't ask too many personal questions initially. Just keep it lighthearted & humour is always good. Always be honest. You'll naturally find certain things to talk about. However, if you're talking about weather... Not a good sign, lol. My moto is if you've got nothing else to talk about other than weather, that's pretty bad.
Also try not to speak on phone for too long ideally 30 mins or so initially, tops an hour. If a guy spends all the time talking on phone( meaning hours & hours) i'd be thinking (alarm bells) what else does this guy do? Doesn't have friends or a proper job, what about interests, salah etc etc... Is he a saddo...lol. Maybe he's got too much time on his hands.
Oh & if you say you'll ring next day or whatever, make sure you do. Shows reliability to us girls. If you can't, send a text msg or something to rearrange or just to let them
know why you aren't able to call. It also shows that you're keen in a nice way. Personally speaking, Unreliability is a no no for us girls. Because it makes us wonder if you're unreliable before marriage, then you'll be same afterwards. Maybe you're not ready to settle down etc.
Insh'Allah, Allah will make it easy for you.
   
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cinders

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #8 on: Nov. 11, 2010, 01:56 AM »

Salam bro reeldeel,

How is the Courtship game being played? All good, Insh'Allah. Making progress?

Ps: don't feel obliged to share, just being nosey.
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reeldeel

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #9 on: Nov. 11, 2010, 04:06 PM »

Its going quite great... spending no less than 6 hours daily on Skype speaking about absolutely nothing but its fun.
Ilyas you were asking where I find the time... well.. i've stopped going to the gym, cooking, getting a full 8 hours rest. Forgotten about Uni work, alhamdullilah there are no deadlines, and my flatmates don't see me anymore.

Its quite strange I think how all this came about, I now believe setting goals is actually quite powerful. On 10/10/10 I decided am getting married no matter what and the marriage date will be 11/11/11.  As soon as I had that mindset prospects appeared out of nowhere, even singlemuslim.com responses suddenly spiked. Within 2 weeks I've seen her and never been more sure about anyone. I've always thought i'll have to compromise one day and settle for less than perfect, but with her I cant find a single flaw.

Subhannallah I used to make dua for a specific type of wife i was looking for about 4-5 years ago before I believed It was possible to even get a women like that, slowly I came to believe it was possible and today it has happened. I've confirmed with her/(family) and they are ready when ever am ready. I've spoken to my parents for the soonest time possible and they've agreed on May-July 2011.

Now the scary thing is, having met her my standards have been raised to her level, so if for any reason this doesn't go through, I dont think I can settle for less anymore. What makes it even more scary is that if I loose her, the chances of finding some that special are quite slim. And its not just love speaking... There actually is something about her (which I'd rather not mention) that statistically speaking would be very difficult to find anywhere on earth. So yeah she is quite special  :-* .

I wanna give a shout-out to halfmydeen and all its members. They've been a source of great advice, warnings and most importantly great listeners. Please make dua for me that everything goes fine inshallah.
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Ilyas

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #10 on: Nov. 11, 2010, 05:55 PM »

Asalam Alaikum, glad to hear everything is going well. Bro if I may suggest, it may be too late but don't get too emotionally involved just yet because as you described it you've pretty much let everything else go. I will make du'a for you if you make du'a for me :)
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cinders

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #11 on: Nov. 11, 2010, 08:32 PM »

Walaykum Salam!
Alhamdulillah that's great news. Wow! Is all I can say. 6 hrs a day on the phone... Even I cannot speak for that long & I'm a chatterbox!
I'd like to echo what bro Ilyas says also, try not to get too emotional. I know it can be hard, helps with getting perspective.

Insh'Allah things will progress positively & Allah will unite your hearts in this Dunya & the Hereafter, Ameen.

Please make duah for us, as I will for you.
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JenBean71

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Re: The Courtship Game
« Reply #12 on: Nov. 11, 2010, 08:33 PM »

MashaAllah brother reeldeel!
 inshaAllah all works out fine - just trust in Allah Most High and the blessings He bestows.
It sounds like a very exciting time for you and for your prospective wife inshaAllah.
I agree with bro Ilyas about not getting too emotionally involved but how do you curb that when you've found an ideal person..I know my gym habit would increase lol.
Mabrook on all the good news, brother and keep us posted inshaAllah.
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