WTFatwa: How to Marry a FOB
Ever fantasized about marrying a FOB? Having trouble attracting them? Its true, everyone is having trouble finding somebody...even match.com has slim pickings.
What kind of honey should you use to catch all those FOBBY’s? It’s called a biodata. What is a biodata, you ask? It’s a list of everything you’ve accomplished, including that Presidential Award you received for doing 200 sit-ups when you were eight. This in turn, helps our potentials spouses, aunties and uncles decide if you are a good “match” for them. Because we all know, you don’t just marry the FOB, you marry his family too. Unfortunately, there are no guidelines for biodata’s these days, and sending a bad one will destroy your chances so I decided to help…
Here are six ways to spruce up your biodata:
1. Make sure you include all the doctors in your family. Respect and social status are a big thing these days and it is based solely on how many doctors are in your family as given by the following equation: R = dA^2 where R is respect, A is the amount of doctors in your family, and d is the doctor constant of 3.
Remember doctors are the best thing to happen since the invention of the samosa. Fret not if you decided not to go to medical school, most aunties will cover it up by referencing the nearest doctor relative, hence the need for an extensive biodata.
2. If you’re a man make sure to send a picture with a beard. The beard should not be too long. If you do not have a beard you can buy construction paper for 99 cents at a major outlet store and have your little sister cut you out one.
If you’re a girl make sure to wear a scarf or potential husbands will think you work at a brothel.
3. Make sure to take a good picture.
For men, make sure you are wearing a suit preferably in black. Do not laugh or smile. Simply stare at the camera as though you are taking a mug shot. Muslims like serious men who have no sense of humor or personality. Real men should be defined by their degree.
For girls just make sure you don’t look like a tramp. Don’t look directly into the camera. After you’re done make sure to have your sibling photo shop your picture to make you look thinner and paler. Remember unless you are thinner than paper and paler than clear water, it’s not good enough. Also make sure not to write information about what you look like in your biodata. If they want information about your physical features they will look at your picture. Actually, chances are they will look at the picture.
4. Make your parents write your biodata, because they have their own spelling and grammar. Regardless of how long they have been in America, parents usually have flawed English pronunciation and sentence structure and they write the same way. For example, most desi people cannot say McDonalds so instead they say “Magadonald” and they will actually spell it “Magadonald” and then no one will know what they wrote. Perfect for FOBs.
5. If you must make your biodata on the longer side than consider including a table of contents, but remember aunties and uncles get confused easily so make it simple. Key things you should include in your table of contents are the “Doctors,” “Pictures,” “Education”, and “List of Things I Can Cook” sections.
6. Make sure not to include any personality characteristics on your biodata. Remember, personalities don’t matter when it comes to getting married. If you are a man, your degree is innately who you are and there is nothing more to you except your looks. If you are a girl, you shouldn’t have a personality. No one likes a girl who thinks for herself. You should be what the family you’re marrying into requires you to be at any given moment. That is to say your personality is whatever your father or prospective husband tells you it is. Having any thoughts of your own (Other than self made recipes) can severely damage your reputation. At the end of the day, that is what the search is about, finding two people whose reputations are at approximately equal levels…
Remember a good biodata is the first step to getting with a FOB… a dream come true!