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Author Topic: Should I marry him?  (Read 5215 times)

nulady

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Should I marry him?
« on: Sep. 01, 2010, 04:41 PM »

I have been doing the online thing for a while now and after a few weeks of emails I have a proposal. He is the right age and location. He has no children but would like to start a family. Those are the main positives, now for the negative.

He does not have a college degree or a career as I have.
He does not believe that he could support me financially and I would have to take care of most of the bills as he has to send money back home to his widowed mother in morocco.
He has a tendency to talk about amoral subjects
He would have to move to be with me and asked me to look for him a job.
In the mean time I would be supporting him.
I am divorced and really don't want to get burned again, this guy just seems to be a little too needy.
Any advice?
Salaam and Du'a
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #1 on: Sep. 01, 2010, 04:43 PM »

hes a big no no for u.
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #2 on: Sep. 01, 2010, 04:48 PM »

Quote
He does not have a college degree or a career as I have.

this may cause him to feel inferior. no matter what u do. but its a "may", a possibility.

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He does not believe that he could support me financially and I would have to take care of most of the bills as he has to send money back home to his widowed mother in morocco.

Quote
He has a tendency to talk about amoral subjects

this may be due to two things. 1. hes been like this for a while now before moving to the west. 2. this is because of overwhelming fitnah in the west which is driving him crazy.

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He would have to move to be with me and asked me to look for him a job. In the mean time I would be supporting him.

he may be a visa hunter.

the only bright side may be his deen. if he is strong in deen overall, and u think "2. this is because of overwhelming fitnah in the west which is driving him crazy."

also depends he just wants to get married as u suggested.

Quote
I am divorced and really don't want to get burned again, this guy just seems to be a little too needy.
Any advice?

id say its better not to marry this guy. my humble advice, someone revert/divrocee without kids may be a choice for u.
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JenBean71

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #3 on: Sep. 02, 2010, 07:38 AM »

Asalam alaikum sister,
I agree with the all the comments above. Mine are just some more thoughts about the prospective brother:

How do you propose to manage all of this? If you became ill, then what? He would need to find a replacement. And while you're busy raising the babies alone, paying the bills alone and spending your nights alone, you won't find much has changed, other than your marital status.
Seriously - what is his role in the marriage?
I like to ask myself this question: Do you think he would get away with these terms with a girl from his own country (in this case, Morocco).
I think you know the answer.

May Allah give you better, ameen!
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nulady

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #4 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 06:59 PM »

I like to ask myself this question: Do you think he would get away with these terms with a girl from his own country (in this case, Morocco).
I think you know the answer.

Had I taken this advice before I would have never married my ex-husband! It is really quite hard to find a guy that has it all together!
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #5 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 07:38 PM »

Quote
Had I taken this advice before I would have never married my ex-husband! It is really quite hard to find a guy that has it all together!

what if u cant find such a guy? a seriously heuristic question.
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nulady

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #6 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 09:37 PM »

Quote
Had I taken this advice before I would have never married my ex-husband! It is really quite hard to find a guy that has it all together!

what if u cant find such a guy? a seriously heuristic question.

Then I am stuck with Mr. wrong... and I will have to settle with paying his bills, working two jobs and living a life at the bare min.
Nah... I would rather stay alone!
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #7 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 09:50 PM »

maybe there can be someone not so close to mr wrong? is there a threshold or its just waiting for the best guy?
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nulady

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #8 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 10:06 PM »

Really I am just waiting for Mr. Not-So-Wrong. Here is what online has gotten me:
50 yr old Divorcee who only talked about er... his desires
44 yr old married with 4 kids, living in Kuwait and looking for a 2nd wife
37 yr old divorced, no degree or real career but kinda nice and not too perverted

I mean i am 25 years old, divorced (yes I made a mistake I know) I have no kids and a B.S. degree in education and I have two jobs. I hijab and go to the Masjid all the time. I am no beauty queen but I'm not half bad! I mean I think I can do a little better.
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #9 on: Sep. 03, 2010, 10:16 PM »

im sorry lol. yea u can do way better but heuristicaly speaking.

u ll only find such ppl really. or maybe someone young never married before around 18-25 but they d have their own problems.
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JenBean71

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #10 on: Sep. 04, 2010, 11:50 AM »

Asalam alaikum sister

I'm making dua you find a good husband, ameen!
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Ilyas

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #11 on: Sep. 05, 2010, 12:07 AM »

im sorry lol. yea u can do way better but heuristicaly speaking.

u ll only find such ppl really. or maybe someone young never married before around 18-25 but they d have their own problems.

Is there such a person with no problem? We all have faults, it's just up to other person to decide if it is a big deal for him/her or not.

Honestly speaking though, please don't take this the wrong way Nulady sis, many guys see a divorcee the same way they see second-hand clothes. They don't give the person a close enough look to get to know them. It's a subconscious process that you usually don't notice. This is personal opinion, no one has to agree or disagree but this is what I've noticed in many including myself at one point.

Anyways back to the topic, it seems to me that financial stability is very important to you as all the negatives you've posted are about that, except for a couple. If this is the case then Nulady sis I suggest you don't marry him.

However now a days, a college doesn't always guarantee you a job and not having a college degree does not make one a failure or financially unstable. An older gentleman who I used to work with had never finished college. I am not even sure if he had taken any college level courses. Anyways after years of doing odd jobs he decided he needs to find a better paying job so he goes to a community college, gets training for a job in 6 months, and after working at his job for nearly 2 decades he's making around 60k a year. At the same time, I have a cousin in Germany who finished his college degree in meteorology and did not have luck finding a job in Germany or London for over a year. He's back in college studying something else.

It really depends on the person, you have to get to know the person and see what kind of a guy he is. Is he the type that gives up quick? Are you positive that he will do whatever he can to support you? Will he be able to cope with the stress of not finding a job or you having a better job than him? Like brother "3bdiAllaah" said, you having a college degree might make him feel inferior. It all depends on how much trust you have in the person and I am not sure how much trust you can get or give to people whom you only know through the net.

Sorry I keep going on rants but yes I would say forget about this guy and find someone else.

lol at your findings on the net. Married and 4 kids, yet looking for another wife, amazing he still has the patience and energy to get married again. 

Ameen to sister JenBean71's dua. May Allah give all of us what is best for us.
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3bdiAllaah

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #12 on: Sep. 05, 2010, 12:29 AM »

total relief bro ilyas at least someone replied.

yup totally agreed. everyone has a problem or the other. when i said heuristicly speaking, i meant there is no shortage of young guys, dying to get married but amongst them i dont know its gona be what really hard? or i think not that hard to find a guy whose around 18-21 or even 16-17 who'd want to marry someone as older as 25-30. well id say someone like that whose mature for their age would actually be a good choice.

as a 25-30 woman, divorcee or not divorcee would have a job and he could continue his collage/etc. plus id like to mention one thing here is that collage degree is not everything, if hes man enuf to make a life for himself he wont care if he has to work from scratch to build a small business. remember bill gates was a collage drop out, steve jobs completed his degree, and now pc own >90% market share and mac(apple i.e steve jobs company) own about 10%

this doesnt establish anything, but means the guys has to be man enuf. simple.
and if hes on deen, u dont need to worry about him leaving you.

my sincere advice to sis nulady, get rid of these matrimonial websites, its a waste of time and nothing else. there are two serious matrimonial programs i know of being baba alis halfourdeen.com and sheikh birjas method. you should look into either or both of these im sure insha Allaah it will be of real help.

oh and one thing, most important thing which you must take into account about the guy, that is

"does this guy actually want to settle down in the west? or is he considering hijra or moving to a more islamic society at any point in his life"

because i have this notion that not all sisters are dissatisfied living in the west and may want to move.

my duas with all single muslims.
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Nakia

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #13 on: Sep. 06, 2010, 04:11 AM »

My answer is going to be short, so prepare yourself: no. He's not ready to marry, and you need someone who is not just ready, but deserves you. Heck, I'm 30, divorced with one kid, and living w/family and I deserve better. So I know you do. Keep looking, and try to be patient. Mr. Right is out there.
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nulady

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Re: Should I marry him?
« Reply #14 on: Sep. 06, 2010, 06:55 AM »

Salaams!
Thank you all for your comments and advice. I guess I do deserve better but then again better really is hard to find. Inshallah I will keep making Du'a for myself and all of you.

peace and blessings,

Tawhida
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