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Author Topic: Serious Advice Needed  (Read 1024 times)


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Serious Advice Needed
« on: Sep. 13, 2010, 12:13 AM »

Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters,
Not sure where to start, my head is messed up at the moment. Here is my situation. I got engaged to my cousin last year. We lived in a combined family system and I know him since childhood. My auntie is been divorced and my cousin lives with his dad. My family moved back to UK 8 years ago. We visited Pakistan last year he proposed me and both families were happy. There was age difference between us, I am 26 and he is 23 and I told him to re-think his decision but he said he is ok with it so I had no problem I accepted the proposal. Everything was going fine and we were happy with each other. When we got engaged he was running his own business and use to go to shop every day. Since the start of this year he has sold his business and now doing nothing and staying at home all day. Couple of months ago my elder auntie found a little packet containing some kind of drug from him. I knew he smokes cigarettes; he had bad friends company in past which he has left according to him. I got worried that he might start taking some drugs so I asked him about that he rudely said it wasn’t a drug he is taking some other medicines from Hakeem which wasn’t satisfactory answer but I trusted him and ignored this matter. Whenever I ring him he doesn’t answer my calls and when I ask him he get away saying that he was busy/sleeping and just try to make lame excuses. Couple of months ago my mother had a very difficult surgery (May Allah give her health and long life). He did ring couple of days before her surgery. I wanted him to be my support in that hard time but he didn’t bother ringing me. At least he should ask about my mum’s health that really hurt me. He often said to me that whoever will marry you, will do for your nationality. On top of this he said that he has saved all sms and messages which I sent to him. I never imagined that he will say something cheap like this. My Allah knows I never crossed my limits. There is a lot more things to say but I can’t. When I told his mom about this then he said he just wanted to know, what would be my reaction? And said he never did that but from now on he will save. I am worried what will happen after marriage. I thought he is my cousin he knows me better and will respect my feelings but everything went opposite.

I am so stressed. Please give me any advice, what should I do? Thank you for reading my post.


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Re: Serious Advice Needed
« Reply #1 on: Sep. 13, 2010, 04:45 AM »

Asalam alaikum sister this is a very stressful situation for you! And confusing, especially since the communication between you and him appears to be strained. And without some understanding towards each others feelings and thoughts, how can you build a marriage?

Im not the best to answer I really don't know but I can give my ideas inshaAllah. And there are other brothers and sisters can give their insight inshaAllah. I wonder if he's shutting down and avoiding anything serious. I cannot speculate though because I don't know him and it seems that there is a more specific reason (he's young but I know ppl his age that are very mature for their age so not to discriminate) for his avoiding you and playing games.

I suppose only someone close to him and someone he trusts can talk with him to get to the heart of his reactions. All the best, sister I am making duas and hope you arrive at some much needed answers inshaAllah.


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Re: Serious Advice Needed
« Reply #2 on: Sep. 13, 2010, 09:24 AM »

I can suggest a few options as to why he would be behaving like this but one thing u gota know, u gota back out of this ASAP. this is guy is NOT interested.

from a brothers perspective i must warn you that this guy has some serious issues, some very serious issues. and its extremely sad, because desi society works in an excruciatingly atrocious way.

i would not go in detail as to how and why he would have become like this but its a danger sign for you to know.

back out as soon as you can, dont worry about text messages, how can they threat you? no.
so, and even if he has them saved what can he *possibly* do with them anyways? just leave him. hes not talking to you, hes losing interest in his life, he sold his business, maybe hes on drugs and all these factors point to a few things which would possibly make the marriage a complete fail.

even if we become more optimistic lets say, and leave out all other possible problems,

"would you like to live with a guy whose not even man enuf to hold himself back up again"?

"would such a man be a good father to your kids?"

tell u what, if the man aint good enuf to be a good dad, SEVERE social problems tend to occur later in the marriage when kids are growing up and when they are grown up it gets worse.

theres so much to explain but the bottom line is, you need to back outa this.

do istikhara insha Allaah. and go ahead.

and, someone younger, is not an option for you id say, least can be 25+.
you may also go for a way younger guy, which can be choice // in a rare situation //when the guy's deen is totally ok, then u wont risk him falling for someone else at least in the near long run.


about the visa thing he said. this is guy confused, he doesnt wana lose you because of family pressure but the same time either hes not interested in you anymore or he thinks marriage is not for him right now.


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Re: Serious Advice Needed
« Reply #3 on: Sep. 14, 2010, 01:59 AM »

Asalam Alaikum,

None of us know the guy well enough to pass any judgments on him except for Sadia sis and his family. However, who you're describing is someone that has issues that need to be addressed. In my opinion if the guy felt close to you, he would have opened up to you by now giving you some kind of a clue as to what his problems are. It may or may not be marriage. Anyways from the way you are describing your situation I do not think he is interested in marriage at the moment, does not mean he is not interested in you, and he wants to fix his problems. He may be asking the wrong people, "Hakim", for help.

Sister, the only advice I can confidently give you is to do a sincere Istikhara and ask yourself if you interested enough in the guy to give him a chance to better himself. If so then talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him how his way of treating you and not caring enough for you is making you feel. I pray for Allah to make this easy on you and give you what is best for you.
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