I had a cousin that was in a courtship, and I just wasn't sure if the brother would be on his best behavior. Someone had to send him rules. So, I formed the Islamic Courtship Board of Directors and kindly mailed him the following. Feel free to print the attachment and distribute it as you see fit:
Islamic Courtship Board of Directors
4500 Muslim Way
Muhammed Town, New Africa, 10101
On behalf of the (insert sister’s full name here) Wali Commission, we wish to inform you of the rules by which you MUST abide in accordance with the stipulations of this glorious religion. In order to preserve the modesty of the two involved parties (insert both names here) specific regulations have been put in place. Disregarding these regulations can and will result in either a suspension of the courtship or—in extreme cases—a complete termination of the courtship. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with these rules so as not to jeopardize your budding relationship.
1. All meetings between the involved parties must be chaperoned by an approved Islamic Courtship Board of Directors (ICBD) chaperon.
2. All phone calls must be monitored and later transcribed for further inspection by the Wali Commission.
3. Phone calls must last NO longer than 1 hour, because all things halaal can be said in less than 1 hour.
4. “My intended,” “dear Muslim sister” or “dear Muslim brother” are the ONLY approved terms of endearment . There shall be no utterances of unlawful names, such as “boo,” “boo boo,” “baby,” “honey,” “sweetie pie,” “bean pie,” “sugar,” “shorty,” “cutie,” “cupcake,” “sweetness” and definitely not “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.”
5. The involved parties must leave at least 3 feet between them at all times, room enough for a big-hipped woman to sit or stand between the two of you.
6. There is to be no laughing, smiling, giggling, or any other behavior that could be construed as flirting. Should either of you feel the need to laugh or smile, you must exit the room immediately or place a paper bag over your head while kindly asking the other to lower his/her gaze.
7. As comfort is reserved for married couples, there should always be a healthy level of awkwardness between the two of you. (Awkwardness is characterized by, shyness, nervousness, nausea, upset stomach, intense itching, shiftiness of the eyes, coughing, sneezing, runny nose, flaky dandruff, and random eye watering).
8. For traveling, the two of you should be transported in two separate vehicles, preferably two stretch Hummer limos. The added length increases modesty. In the absence of stretch limos, an additional third car should be placed between the two originals cars.
9. During meetings between the two parties, the female party may wear any clothing she chooses, as long as all body parts are covered excluding the eyebrows, eyes lashes, nostrils, toenails, and right thumbnail.
10. Young couples are often excited to talk to and get to know each other. However, because they have a tendency to go into unlawful territory, a list of respectful topics has been suggested. You may only discuss : Ramadan, Your favorite Wilmore Siddiqi or Zain Bhikha song, the longest surah you know, the pioneers, and Muslim baby names that start with the letter Alif.
As salaam alaikum and good luck on your endeavor to complete half your deen!
The (insert sister’s full name here) Wali Commission
If you haven't guessed, this is just a joke, but courting in Islam should be taken seriously. Hope you enjoyed!