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Author Topic: Unique situation--advice appreciated!  (Read 1417 times)

anothertry38

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Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« on: Nov. 17, 2010, 02:05 PM »

al salam alakum,
I am a sister who has a muscle illness that will make it very difficult to have any physical relationships with a husband. I want to have kids though inshAllah, and think it would be possible insh'Allah through invetro or other medical procedures. No one knows about this illness, not even my parents. I know that there must be a good brother out there insh'Allah who has a similar situation where due to medical conditions, he can not have marital relations also. How do I go about finding someone in a similar situation? I have been rejecting suitor after suitor because I can't cheat someone and enter a marriage without telling them, and I can't get myself to tell anyone.
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jannah

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Re: Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« Reply #1 on: Nov. 17, 2010, 09:02 PM »

I think you should be up front and post it as part of your profile. You have to be truthful about it. If you don't tell him or he has no inkling about it, your marriage could be declared invalid later on because the truth was not told earlier, not to mention the extreme fallout of not telling someone something like that!
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« Reply #2 on: Nov. 18, 2010, 02:54 AM »

A sheikh of mine once said "if you want a mango, don't go to the orange market."

Whilst his point at the time was in reference to seeking out a specific type of spouse (hint: they're not in shisha bars, etc), I would say the same principle applies to you? If your goal is to seek someone with a specific characteristic (i.e. the same as you), is there not somewhere you cab go where people of this nature meet?

If you're looking for someone to accept you with it, then you're going to have up be honest and upfront about it. I don't see any other way unfortunately.

I wish you all the best in your search
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JenBean71

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Re: Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« Reply #3 on: Nov. 18, 2010, 05:31 AM »

Asalam alaikum
Dear Sr. anothertry38

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum!

It sounds like an intense jihad where health affects everything.
In addition to that, others who do not have health issues will probably not have what it takes to understand what it's like to be tested so intensely.

You deserve someone who will be there for you and be able to understand what you are facing all the time. Moreover, it sound like you're living alone with something (that sounds like MD or Lupus or Sjogren's) where not even your family knows (no need to disclose, nor would I assume to know but it sounds somewhat related to a muscle disorder that isn't progressing aggressively but causes pain and affects specific abilities). In other words, you're thinking of the future but no one knows what you're living with.
OK - my suggestion (similar to al-Qamar's advice) would be to contact groups that have similar health problems- here's why:
1) When you join a group (online or support group) for people with specific health conditions, you will find that Muslims are not immune from having health issues too - unfortunately, they are extremely marginalized, told to hide and made to feel like defective and less than human because of the social stigmas placed upon people with disabilities. There is a brother waiting for you inshaAllah but it might streamline your search to join a health related group as well as Muslim groups to get the word out that you're looking.
2) you know best why your parents don't know but it breaks my heart that - out of everyone, you shouldn't have to hide this - you need the understanding of family when trying to live with something that affects you this way. Find the support of others with health related jihad - you have my support, sister.
3) A prospective spouse with a similar health-related jihad would, hopefully, have a supportive family behind him, just hoping for the right woman to come along, one who will understand him and relate to everything without making him feel like less than a human - she would know better than anyone.
4)Once you're married you'll find ways to enjoy each other and, without going into details on here, it doesn't have to be 'traditional'. You do many things together and you'll both find what you enjoy together. You will not have to live with some terrible secret nor be forced to feel like a defective human - because you're are not defective and this is not a terrible secret. You have more opportunity for blessings and to enter Jannah through patience and gratitude in every situation, inshaAllah. I am making dua for the best brother for you, sister.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« Reply #4 on: Nov. 19, 2010, 02:48 AM »

Salaam,

One more thing I did want to raise... is there any particular reason you can't raise this issue with your family at all? I'm just thinking of what could possibly happen in the future. Obviously I wish you all the best in whatever you do, but the sad reality of life is that we're tested in our marriage, and what you don't want to do is enter a situation where your husband actually uses your illness against you (yes... he may be all loving, etc, initially, but people can change over time) and the worst thing to occur is for him to reveal your condition to your family as a way of attacking you somehow.

I would advise that it's better to let your family know what the situation is, so that they can at least be there to back you up if the case ever arises. Even if your illness isn't the direct cause of any issue, your family can help put to rest any other situation where it may be used against you.

You need your family's support in this... try to speak to them.

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatuLlah
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anothertry38

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Re: Unique situation--advice appreciated!
« Reply #5 on: Nov. 20, 2010, 02:20 PM »

jazakum Allah khair for responding to my post. Sr. Jannah, yes I know I have to be upfront, I would definitely not cheat anyone. Sr. JenBean, thank you for the advice and the sweet duaa, it brought tears to my eyes as I was reading it. I am actually wondering how many other Muslims are silently suffering from similar circumstances. Maybe I can try to start a website for Muslims inshAllah. Br. Al-Qamar, thank you for the advice. I did not think about what the future would bring if my parents did not know, and I hope to one day have the strength to tell them. I just don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Allahmdullah for everything, may Allah bless you all.
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