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Author Topic: Dealbreakers?  (Read 4460 times)

jannah

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Dealbreakers?
« on: Dec. 21, 2010, 07:50 PM »

Was wondering what ppl's dealbreakers were? Meaning things that make you say no to someone...
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I Walk Alone...

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #1 on: Dec. 22, 2010, 09:58 AM »

An ultra cultural attitude.
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Concerned

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #2 on: Dec. 22, 2010, 06:51 PM »

not willing to relocate?
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cinders

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #3 on: Dec. 23, 2010, 01:35 AM »

Have to agree with bro I_Walk_Alone. Major cultural attitude is a complete no-no. Oh & arrogance! .....Not to be confused with Self Confidence.
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nulady

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #4 on: Dec. 24, 2010, 06:03 AM »

Deal breakers
He needs a visa
He is old enough to be my dad
He wants me to be his 2nd wife
He wants to live together first...really
He wants a 'temporary' marriage
Relocating overseas
He drinks...

Is it really so much to ask for a Normal, honest, Muslim man who does not have an 'agenda'
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Nannysam

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #5 on: Dec. 28, 2010, 11:56 PM »

:) "lol, I totally agree with nulady. My list would be very similar to yours nulady!
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SimplyMe

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #6 on: Jan. 06, 2011, 01:37 AM »

Hmmm.... where do I begin?  In hindsight, I would have to hold firm on the following that would definitely be "dealbreakers":

unemployed/underemployed
less educated than me
needs a visa
lacks money management skills
lacks fashion sense and has poor hygiene habits
arrogant/rude/patriarchal minded
secretive
lacks understanding of the concept of partnership
possesses a "god" complex
differing opinions/understanding of Islam (creates conflict)
lacks ambition
a momma's boy
too great of an age difference (either way)
self-righteous
[/list]

I could keep going, but I think I covered the major ones (and no, I'm not picky)
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SalwaR

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #7 on: Feb. 16, 2011, 11:31 PM »

Subhanallah i have lots too:

- Wants to date first
- wants to keep things private until much later
- Old enough to be my father :S
- he has a daughter my age:S
- Asks me to go out with him to a pub/club
- Listens to Music
- Hangs out in clubs with mates...and then says oh its ok i dont drink!  >:(
- Does not hold a british passport
- Wants a Mortgage
- Thinks having more thn 2 kids is backwards
- Thinks Hijab is a choice and not F'ard
- Thinks its ok to flirt with my females freinds/relatives
- Wants to show me off to his "mates"
- Wants the children to choose thier own way, and pick a religion  >:(
- Thinks Islam is what his culture practices, its a list of traditional does and donts
- Thinks religion should be left until we are old, and about to die....  >:(
- Wants to seeme without hijab,before marriage *not a chance that will happen on earth*
- Watches Movies, even those with a lot of Haram content (sex, death, nuidty, murder, swearing et etc)
- Thinks it is ok to socalise with he opposite sex freely
- only wants material things and nothin spiritual... (Detatched house, with a double garage and holidays ever year in the sun)
- Wants a weddng full of fitna and spending lots of money on a wedding party, astagfirallah.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #8 on: Feb. 17, 2011, 01:04 PM »

Hmm, my (non-exhaustive) list would be:

- doesn't pray 5x on time
- lack of modesty
- lack of interest in Islam
(these sound like basic things, but I've come across many sisters who say they're Islamic... but Islam is in their heart, rather than in their actions... they claim to love Allah, but not enough to worship him, or obey his commands, or even learn what they are)

- favour culture over deen
- addiction to music (it replaces the Qur'an in the heart and mind)
- any other bad habits (smoking shisha, etc... I don't mind if it was in the past, but if there's a refusal to give it up, then it's not for me)
- inappropriate associations with non-mahrem men
- blind following of a madhab (not that that's a bad thing in itself, but I lean more towards the salafi opinion, and I like to learn about the evidences, etc, so for someone who's going to apply a rigid opinion without knowing the background/evidences/opinions of scholars/etc, simply wouldn't work for me)
- lack of care of finances (i.e. someone who spends money like it grows on trees, and indulges in extravagence)
- someone who doesn't have a strong mind (i.e. they're easily swung by the opinions of friends, etc... I don't want random people being in control of my wife, and thus controlling my marriage!)
- someone who's not ready to be married (already been stung with that one..)
- someone who calls me to haraam (yes, that's happened to me more than once... one even went as far as to suggest "try before you buy", authubillah!)
- someone with kids (although I may consider a widow if the child was quite young)
- a feminist... I really can't deal with the inferiority complex attitude... a woman is a woman, a man is a man, deal with it.
- someone dishonest... seriously, it's really hard to find a sister that says something, and sticks to it... if not for a small number (two), I'm beginning to think that women are just nuts in general, or maybe I just attract the crazy ones??
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SalwaR

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #9 on: Feb. 17, 2011, 10:21 PM »

LOL

Thats a tough list i dont think there are many women who do not have any of those listed. I mean we are all still learing... so what u described was Aisha wife of the prophet SAW. A scholar. I think its hard to find any woman like that.

I find that some people i have come across have knowladge, thy are very wise in terms of deen, they know a lot o Hadiths, Hafd al quran and all the rest. But they DO NOT know how to interact with people. they look down upon people as being inferior becuase they have all this knowladge, so a debate or even discussion is out the window bcause they think they are right and u will always be wrong. It is good to have knowladge mashallah but when you are arrgont about it, it turns that good quaity into a bad one, and you loose out on the reward with Allah.

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Al-Qamar

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #10 on: Feb. 18, 2011, 11:32 PM »

Really? That sounds restrictive? I didn't list knowledge in there... the only thing I mentioned of ilm was blind following of a madhab (emphasis on blind)?

I don't need for my wife to possess a lot of knowledge... after all, knowledge is primarily within the domain of men, which is why most famous scholars, etc, are men. Women are much more suited to other tasks, such as raising the family (a tash which is generally not given its due credit, but is easily as important if not more than the pursuit of knowledge). For me, I would prefer for my wife to excel in the role that Allah (swt) created her for, than to compete with me in mine.

So long as she has a willingness to learn, that is sufficient for me. I like to learn, and go to courses, etc, and I would like for my wife to join me on them. After all, she's going to be the primary one our kids would learn from, so she needs to have some knowledge!


The other aspect was to have a strong mind, I've suffered this in the past where others can drop malicious thoughts in the mind of my wife, and to please others she'll destroy her marriage... for what? For friends who'll disappear (and did disappear) when the weather changes?? That's not for me. Again, nothing to do with intelligence, but rather loyalty and commitment to the marriage.

Marriage is hard work, I know from experience, and Jannah isn't free!
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SalwaR

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #11 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 03:31 PM »

Brother i agree, it is very important to see who this sister calls her freinds and what circles she hangs out with. The prophet SAW clearly said this too. Your freinds are a reflection of yourself. The people you hng out with often can tell people alot about who you are. So if you hang out with brothers who smoke shisha and do nothing all day not going to reflect well on you. So choose you companions, freinds wisely.

Both girl and boy need to do this before they commit to marriage, it happend to me, i knew a brother a year ago who seemd very pious and mashallah practicing. But once i investigted his freinds, the people he traveled with and spent time with the majority are those who rebelled against the deen, married non muslims and were happy livin thier like a kuffar. This did infact have an impact on him, it efected his views and thoughts and opinions on islamic matters. So it really is impotant to know who they hang out with, who influences them.

If something is so important to you, you should not allow others to make you feel you are wrong or your wierd. If you doubt yourself and what you want, then you really are not prepared for marriage. You need to maintain your identity, this is something i learnt. Compramise is good, but too much is not.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #12 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 04:06 PM »

Couldn't agree more :)
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SalwaR

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #13 on: Feb. 21, 2011, 09:01 PM »

No. 1 deal breaker a guy who talks to Women, flirts has them as a freind etc etc.


It happened to me, i had to learn the hard way... prospective spouce... when things ended i did question things, things seemed to be going so well. I did doubt Qadr then as to why it ended.... astagfirallah. But alhamdulillah, Allah showed it to me infront of my eyes i re-opened my FaceBook shortly after we went our seperate ways... think it was 2 weeks after. Obviously this brother was still on my account i wanted to look at it one last time before i deleted him. Only to see in those 2 weeks he had actually added about 9 girls, some hijabi and some were not.

Alhamdulillah this is what Allah was saving me from, a typical Arab man... who can not keep his eyes off women. Alhamdulillah and becuase i found out the reason i am so happy instead of being sad. I am Happy becuase Allah loves me that much to spare me from a marriage that will only end in divource to someone who can not appreciate a muslimah. Alhamdulillah.....  :)

Moral of the stry i will neverever ever accept a man who communicates with other women, has them as freinds or whatever. Thats a major red flag for me
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Shah

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #14 on: Dec. 10, 2011, 07:30 AM »

lol wow i'm pretty well represented on pretty much everyones dealbreaker list hahaha
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