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Author Topic: Dealbreakers?  (Read 4232 times)

tanimtaher

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #15 on: Jan. 03, 2012, 04:36 AM »

Salam,
Wow, it seems that sisters are all looking for Prince Charming/aalim and brothers are all looking for a Queen/aalima; while forgetting that none of us are the Prince charming or the queen in the first place. And forgetting the fact that the we ourselves are not perfect and have struggled with some of the same issues that we now put on the "Dealbreakers" list. No wonder, people these days are having a tough time getting married.
But alhamdulillah, Allah has always kept the doors open to us both men and women for repentance, and to rectify ourselves, and to learn from our mistakes - isn't this a sign that He Allah (swt) is our Guide, and He is Most forgiving that He let's us mend our ways from the mistakes that we fall in to willingly or unwillingly? If we can accept our mistakes and thank Allah for guiding us out from this, why can't we overlook the mistakes of the other person especially since we know for a fact that just like me the prospective spouse also will not be perfect.
Look at Khalifah Umar (rad). He did something soo bad which none of us can ever come near. He had a sword out and was rushing to kill our beloved Prophet sallahu alayhi wassalam. And Umar drank and had other issues. But he repented and transformed himself after Islam, and became the greatest Khalifah in our history and one of the best of the Ummah of the Prophet.

Come on dear brothers and sisters, marriage is something serious and it requires understanding, acceptance, love, and forgiveness to an extent, and to forgive or not bring up what is past. Too much openness about one's past is also not a good thing because even if the spouse agrees to overlook some of the items in the dealbreakers' list, the knowledge that my spouse did such and such in the past could cause sorrow in the future.
Important thing is to have tawakkul in Allah, put your trust in Him that Allah will keep you husband and wife together and He will give you the ability to overlook and overcome each others' faults and be compatible together, inshallah.

This fear that this prospective spouse has or had such and such issues in the past is from the shaitan. And shaitan uses this fear against us such that we don't get married until a later age out of fear, while at the same time, due to our human needs people sometimes fall into haram relationships as a result of the marriage delay that was initially caused by the fear.

But since we are on the topic of dealbreakers, I'll list my one too:
I won't marry a girl who is waiting for Prince Charming and is naive enough to believe in such a thing, and who thinks that she herself is perfect (quite arrogant I think) and has been herself perfect in the past.
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jannah

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #16 on: Jan. 03, 2012, 10:35 AM »

Walaikum salam Tanim,

You do make some good points about us not looking for perfection as we all have struggles and things we are working on. Totally agreed. There has to be compromises and understanding in marriage.

But looking back at what people wrote as their dealbreakers it doesn't seem like they are looking for perfection to me. They seem to be religious people who want someone equally as religious. Can a religious person accept someone who drinks alcohol casually? I don't think they can. And even they accept it if this makes getting married easier for them, how happy is their marriage going to be??

About love, forgiveness and acceptance, as Muslims we do this for our fellow Muslims but in wanting to marry someone I think it's natural to want to marry someone like yourself. So if you've never dated, gone to parties, drank or done certain things even if the other person has repented it's something hard to accept. When I was able to struggle through and not fall into those sins, why should I marry someone who did give in to temptation. I'm going to naturally look for someone who struggled like I did and tried to avoid falling into those things. No one is perfect and everyone has struggles, but I think I'd have a real problem marrying someone who had done a lot of things in the past that I struggled not to come close to.

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A_Khn

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #17 on: Jan. 14, 2012, 06:14 PM »

Salaam

Tanim made a good point.

Al Qamar: a mother is the first school that your next generation will go to, keep the educational standards high. Education has only made great men and women. Hence, education and increased knowledge has endless benefits for both men and Women. Why do Some men often make the mistake of associating westernisation with education?

Anywahow.

My deal breakers would be:
- if he is of age (say 35) and unsuccessful in his life. (Making less money/being poor, not having a US or UK citizenship, doesnt own a car/house is perfectly alright wtih me). Simply put, dealbreaker is if he hasnt achieved much in life by 35. 
- if he appears unkind and unconsiderate, mannerless, full of himself
- fact that he believes women in power are bad muslims or cant make good wives/homemakers

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brisingr9

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Re: Dealbreakers?
« Reply #18 on: Oct. 20, 2012, 05:05 AM »

this was a very good post just learned a lot from this post :)
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