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Author Topic: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?  (Read 4815 times)

jannah

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Re: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?
« Reply #15 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 08:14 PM »

Great replies. As I mentioned before I defined what racism is in this case:

Quote
To believe that skin color -- the # of melanin cells a person's skin has to be exact -- determines character traits like that they'll be the best husband or wife, is the very definition of racism. Yes, you are a racist if u believe this.

As for preferences, again justify it all you want, just don't complain when other people reject you because of "your ethnicity", "your skin color", "the fact that you're divorced", "you're not a doctor", "you're not a citizen", "you are not wealthy", "you're not from a certain village", "you were born in a certain place", "you're a convert" and so on...
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?
« Reply #16 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 08:33 PM »

As for preferences, again justify it all you want, just don't complain when other people reject you because of "your ethnicity", "your skin color", "the fact that you're divorced", "you're not a doctor", "you're not a citizen", "you are not wealthy", "you're not from a certain village", "you were born in a certain place", "you're a convert" and so on...
Been there, been subjected to that, it's not a problem, each to their own.

I only wish people would mention their preferences in the first instance, rather than waiting until further down the line to reject on a characteristic that, had it been mentioned earlier, would have ended the process sooner and saved everyone a lot of bother.
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Amatullah

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Re: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?
« Reply #17 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 08:48 PM »

Al-Qamar..........I didn't mean that attraction wasn't important.  It is for the man and for the woman.  Women are more attracted to character and strength than men (in the (men's) younger years in particular).  We're different and exactly as we should be.  But I don't think people are at the mercy of superficial attraction.  I suspect that our prophet (pbuh) may not have been physically attracted to all of his wives in the beginning, given the ages and the many circumstances.  He married to benefit Islam, but trusted in the mercy of Allah (SWT) to make his marriages right and so they were.  I believe that Allah (SWT) gives us what we ask for, often so we will learn what is important.  If we are looking for a spouse, we pray about it and I can't imagine telling Allah (SWT) I am only attracted to dark skinned men (just an example).   It is Allah who knows how successful a marriage will be.  We're pretty stupid, especially when we're young.  I think we're probably supposed to ask Allah (SWT) to make a pious Muslim pleasing to our eyes and put love in our hearts for them.  Rather than asking Allah to make the "hot chick" more pious. :)  Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn't misunderstanding the hadith, but I don't think I said it very well.  Shukran.  

P.S.  I do wonder if it isn't hurtful to announce that you are only attracted to white girls, or skinny ones, don't like bald guys, short ones, etc.  I know women who do really think physical appearance is very important too.  It's not always men.  Is it okay if women specify physical requirements too?  Preferences can really wound people.  Is there a point where preferences become wrong?  Are some attributes okay and others off limits?  
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?
« Reply #18 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 09:33 PM »

P.S.  I do wonder if it isn't hurtful to announce that you are only attracted to white girls, or skinny ones, don't like bald guys, short ones, etc.  I know women who do really think physical appearance is very important too.  It's not always men.  Is it okay if women specify physical requirements too?  Preferences can really wound people.  Is there a point where preferences become wrong?  Are some attributes okay and others off limits?  
To be honest, I think if an attribute matters to you... it's better to mention it. Let's consider reality, if someone has an attribute you want to avoid, or doesn't have an attribute you seek... would you marry that person? Chance are, no you wouldn't. So why go through the whole song and dance of getting to know each other when it's ultimately futile?

Personally, I see absolutely nothing wrong with sisters mentioning what they like and what they don't. It's realistic. If anyone has a problem with that, then they need their head slapped for thinking the sister has no right to refuse their proposal if not for that attribute... she has every right to do so, for whatever reason she wants. Yes, the Prophet (saw) said to marry women off to whomever asks so long as he possesses taqwa and deen, but it's implied that she be married off with her agreement (i.e. the wali shouldn't refuse the marriage proposal for a silly irrelevant reason if the couple want to get married, otherwise that will cause a fitnah).

And I don't think anything is off-limit either. Like I said, if it matters... it matters. We could discuss all day long as to whether an attribute should or shouldn't matter, but at the end of the day it's subjective, and regardless of what I or anyone else thinks, you'll still choose a spouse based on your own criteria. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks but yourself.


What I would say though, is to make a list of preferences and dislikes, rather than a hard list of must-haves and must-not-haves. It may be that someone approaches and they have something you dislike, or miss something you're looking for... but their other attributes will make up for that. They may also possess something that you weren't looking for, but you need (a lot of sisters need patient husbands, yet hardly ever list this as a criteria). And I know a lot of brothers that don't like darker girls, but if Beyonce came knocking on their door, they'd jump to attention!

The best of shayateen is the one who breaks up a marriage... so what of the one who prevents a marriage from taking place? And the reason those shayateen are praised by Iblis so much is that, by breaking up marriages, you can break down the family structure, and in turn society, and this is where the major fitnah get introduced.

So, be easy, and facilitate the marriage... but that doesn't mean marry someone you're not attracted to.

Oh, and forget about the wealth a person has. This is from Allah (swt), and he can give wealth and take it away at any time. I don't understand why people cling to it so much. If the brother is hard-working, Allah (swt) will provide him with enough rizq to support you, and it would be a blessing to not have any excess that you have to account for on the Last Day, unless you're confident you can spend it in the cause of Allah (swt) and make it count for you rather than against you :)

And Allah (swt) knows best :)
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riteshnarula

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Re: Muslim Dating Ads: What’s With the Racism?
« Reply #19 on: Nov. 15, 2011, 06:24 AM »

I agree with you.
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