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Author Topic: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?  (Read 3276 times)

SalwaR

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Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« on: Feb. 20, 2011, 03:42 PM »

Asalam waliykum brothers and sisters  :)

Just wanted to ask you guys if you would consider someone who has preivously been married?

Personally i have no clue, i have always ben pushed away from it. I do not really have a solid opinion if i would reject or accept and i personally like to treat everyone as an individual and not group them togther under a label or title. I think everyone should have the chance to be heard and explin thier situation.

I have, in the past been told by sisters that divourced brothers have been interested in meeting me. they discouraged me, but i did not refuse becuase of thier statues, but actually on this occasion the brothers were both Moroccan and only wanted to meet me becuase i was 21 and Moroccan. I automatically then thought.... well what if i was asian and 21? they then would of snubbed me. And by no means do i want to be introduced to someone who picked me only becuase of my ethnicity and age.

If my friend had told me, he wants to meet you becuase he hears such and such about you..... then i would of given them a chance, after all thats the least we can do. But becuase of thier narrow mindedness i refused. And unfortuntly the only divorced  brothers who have appraoched me have done so under the context becuase i am "Moroccan". And the selection has been made on that only.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #1 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 04:40 PM »

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatuLlah,

Wow, that's a big question actually... and my short and simple answer is, the fact that someone has been married before or not shouldn't influence a decision. Let me explain why (and bear in mind, I'm speaking from my own personal experience, and that of a guy... for women I'd imagine some factors might be different)


I got married at a very young age (18) to protect myself from fitnah. At the time, I would not have considered a divorcee because there is a disease amongst young men that makes us believe virgins are magical and amazing, and that alone is sufficient to put someone who's never been married off the idea of someone who's already had that relationship with someone else before you.

However, having been married (twice), I know that the whole "virgin factor" is blown completely out of proportion. Speaking frankly (and considering this is a forum on marriage after all, we shouldn't be shy about the issue), a woman is only a virgin for the first time, and that first time is not even so "amazing" because it's actually a painful experience for the sister concerned. But guys don't know or realise this, until they've done it themselves... so it's a sort of catch-22 situation.


The only other thing that brings me personally a concern is the hadith of Ummi Zar'a. Some of you may know that I speak of Sheikh Alaa with consistently high praise. As an expert on family fiqh and matters (as well as many other credentials to his name), I take his opinion with great weight.

In one of his courses (Home Sweet Home, which is amazing!) he mentions that this hadith highlights a characteristic in that a woman's heart always belongs to the first husband. Now, in speaking to someone else, they further clarified that it's usually tied to children (because in the hadith, Ummi Zara had a child with Abu Zara), and also with the people whom I had asked (divorced women), those that confirmed they had a soft spot for their first husband also all had the characteristic that they had a child with that husband too.

My fear is simply that I would never have my wife's heart completely... that there would always be a part of it reserved for someone else... even a greater part. As a guy, I'm not sure if I could live with that. But I wouldn't dismiss her outright, I'd give her every opportunity to convince me that her previous husband is in the past... and that be that.


That said, there are some good things too. Sisters that have been married before are usually more realistic as to what they expect from marriage, e.g. they're not that bothered about how big or glitzy the wedding itself is, they're much more interested in how the marriage itself will work, i.e. what the roles of each spouse are. They're also not blinded by the glitter that Hollywood usually sprinkles on the idea of marriage (that's it all so perfect and romantic, and the birds sing, and the sun shines, etc, etc). They're ready for the hardship when it comes, and are more patient and perseverant in getting through the tough times.

And most importantly... having gone through the pain and torment of divorce, they're much much more acutely aware of how traumatising it is, and will work that much harder to make sure their next marriage doesn't end in the same way! And they're also much more aware of how men "work", and how best to please a man. Men and women don't realise how the opposite gender think, because it's not obvious (especially for those of us that maintain segregation from the opposite gender). These are things you have to be taught, or learn through painful experience, and divorcees generally tend to have worked it out which makes them better in their second marriage, insha'Allah.


I'm terms of myself, having been through divorce twice myself, it really is a life-changing and humbling experience that makes you realise, no matter what you do and how much you can try, Allah (swt) can change your circumstances in an instant. I learned much more about myself, where my mistakes were, where my shortfalls were, things that perhaps I could have done better, signs of a problem that perhaps I had missed but were glowingly obvious in hindsight, etc. In that sense, I'm better equipped to deal with the next one, insha'Allah, because I now know the pitfalls and traps, especially with regards to my own personality. I can honestly say now that the person I became after divorce is completely unlike how I was beforehand!

If you're considering a divorcee, that's what you'd need to check... what are they like now, rather than how they were. What have they learned from their divorce, what have they changed about their personality. Did they come closer to Allah, or did they stray further away?

Actually, I recommend this advice for anyone, divorced or not. Another trap people fall into is marrying people who aren't practising on the hope they'll start later... they won't! There's no excuse, they should be practising now, if they aren't... move on! Don't pin your hopes on something that might happen later, make sure they have the qualities you need now.


And of course, Allah (swt) knows best. Make istikhara, make istikhara, make istikhara.. sincerely! I've had marriage proposals break, but in hind-sight I'm glad they did because only afterwards a devastating trait was discovered in the prospective spouse. If you put your complete trust in Allah, you're in the best hands, insha'Allah :)
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #2 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 05:13 PM »

Thank you for your honesty,

I shall be honest too, Well one thing that has put me off, maybe is becuase of my naivety, but one thing that has made divourced brothers less faourable is becuase of Love. Obviously it is likely he loved his first wife, and me being a woman i know i will be quiet jelouse of thier realtionship even though it has ended but still at some point this previous couple were probably inlove and may have been thier first love. (Yes, women are strange creatures) He therefore had a physical relationship with this woman, and for me that is quiet hard to comprehend, and not think much of it and come to terms with it. I know it is probably silly, and i put it down to my lack of exerince in life and my age too. But it would really eat away at me, Shiytan would have field trip in my head lol. I mean shiytan knows that is a weakness of mine, i am jelouse and he would play on it so much.

There is nothing wrong with jelousey, one woman the Prophet SAW had asked to marry him refused on the basis she is a very jelouse woman and that she had children and was of a certain age, i think she was 30 but then that was an old age for a woman. I am just one of those women who are a tad bit jelouse and a tad bit irrational about it too.  :-\
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #3 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 05:54 PM »

And the Prophet (saw) said in response to her, that he was older than she was, he would make dua to Allah (swt) to ease her jealousy, and that her children would be his children... and she accepted the marriage proposal :)


Yes, I know exactly where you're coming from, and it's quite normal. Do not think you are different from others in this regard, you're not.

There is good and bad with everything ukhti, it's a double-edged sword. With a divorcee, you get someone who knows from personal experience how to do things... but that experience has a history/past attached to it. If you go for someone who's "brand new", in their inexperience they could commit many of the fatal mistakes that cause a marriage to break down.

Let me give you an example: with my first marriage, I was fairly chauvinistic. I would come home, put my feet up, watch TV and expect to be waited on hand and foot (ok, slight exaggeration, but I need to paint the appropriate picture in your mind). My wife worked, and came home and cooked, cleaned, ironed, etc, etc, but all the while I wasn't as grateful as I should have been, taking everything for granted... and shaytan played on this. Ultimately, this didn't cause the divorce, the situation was much more serious that than, but it didn't help either.

In living single life for the first time, I came to discover exactly how much she did (because now I have to cook, clean, etc). I was forced into a situation where I had to confront my own mistakes, and deal with them head-on... so I did. My second wife didn't work, but even so, I'd still come home from work, do the washing, etc, and then take her out. She had everything easy, because I had been "trained" by the first wife... (again, the reason for that breakdown was something equally serious and nothing to do with this).

Of course, in between all of this, I've seen other people get married... and I've seen how the men treat their wives... and the worst thing is I see them treating their wives exactly how I was when I was younger... they're falling into these same fatal traps that will end up dividing them, yet they will not take any word of advice from me because I've been divorced twice (apparently that means I've got no experience and have no idea of what I'm talking about...).

Sheikh Alaa describes marriage like trying to sail a ship through high seas... you need a captain (husband) and co-captain (wife) at the helm. And if you have a captain who is experienced, alhumdulillah, it's more likely the ship will reach it's destination (Jannah). You only have to look at the statistics to see for yourself, divorce is on the increase, and fitnah is everywhere


Try not to be jealous of the past. Don't look at the negative, insha'Allah, try and take the benefits from it, that someone else worked on his bad habits and erased them for you to enjoy. But don't accept one that compares you to his past either (i.e. my previous wife used to do this, etc, etc)... he should be happy enough that you married him considering he has a past, and should not be arrogant about it.

The best thing would be to get your family to speak to him (and references) about the past. That way, they can make a decision as to whether it's an issue or not, and you can be satisfied with their decision. The less you know of it, the harder it will be for shaytan to whisper to you about it and plant images in your mind. If you ask him yourself, regardless of what he explains to you and how convincing it is, you'll never get the picture out of your mind... and that I know from experience too. Leave the matter to your wali, insha'Allah :)

And verify the reason for divorce too! Unfortunately, I also know of sisters that have married a divorcee, only to be cast aside after they've "had their fun" so to speak. You need to be sure the brother's intention are pure and sincere.

Sheikh Alaa's four steps for marriage are:
  • Istishara (seek councel of those who know the prospective groom as to what he's like, etc)
  • Istikhara (cannot stress this enough)
  • Trust in Allah
  • Determination
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #4 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 07:55 PM »

Thank you, you are correct in what you have said.

I have made sooo much istikhara, just for what is khier for me. Thats all i can do i guess.
I do agree, but also it depends on the person. A lot of people who get married have succesful marriges and they have not been married befoe, its down to the character of that person. Thats is why my family want to see the brother put into practice what he preaches and not just take his word for it.
If you are a decent brother with strong islamic values then i think you are more likely to stick at things and work hard, which is required in Marriage. I have not been married before but i am more then fully aware of the commitment and hardwork required. It is fullfilling hlf your deen, so of couse it wil be difficult and Allah will test you both with trials.
So i do not believe that everyone is so naive about marriage.

One of my frends who is moroccan married an indian imam, when she was 18 she is my age 24 and mashallah they hav had a wonderful marriage. I have only seen good and heard good. Even when i have seen them togther mashalla the way he treats hr nd how he looks at her, subhanallah would make any woman envious. He is a brother of deen he i an imam and he knows how to implement his deen to his life. Masallah.
I do not care where my husbandcomes from as long as he is commited and devouted to me. Doing things for the sake o Allah, and practicing what he preaches.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #5 on: Feb. 20, 2011, 08:30 PM »

Alhumdulillah :) Be patient, insha'Allah you'll be rewarded.

Just to add on to what you said though, I think generally women are much more ready for marriage than men. They tend to build their lives around it from an early age... dreaming of the perfect wedding, how many kids to have, even what their names would be. I know of instances of young girls being asked what they want to be when they're older, and they respond with "a mother... good wife... etc". If you asked a male child the same question, you usually get something ridiculous back like "spaceman/cowboy/etc", lol.

Sheikh Alaa describes the reason for this beautifully; he says that men and women have a tendency to go back to their origin! If you consider Adam (as), he was created from dust, which is also a symbol for work. Hence, men are most comfortable when they're working, that's their nature... they like to provide, and feel best about themselves when they're providing for their family. This is why you see a tendency for men to spend a lot of time at work, often neglecting their families as a result, but they don't see it like that because they're doing good in their eyes.

Hawwa was created from the rib of Adam (as), thus he is her origin, and she has a tendency to return to him. Women long for their husbands, and make their lives revolve around them. This is why women are naturally predisposed to marriage.


I have absolutely no doubt that you're ready for marriage if you say you are... my point is, just be sure he is. Regardless of what he says, he may not actually be ready because in this regard guy's are generally quite stupid (emphasis on the word 'generally'). Yes, guy are usually academically very intelligent, but in basic family matters, they can be totally oblivious to what's going on, and totally ill-prepared to what needs to happen to make a marriage work. The woman is the backbone of the marriage, she's the one that makes it work!

Behind every successful man is a strong woman! Just look at how Khadija (ra) was with Prophet Muhammed (saw). She was the one he ran to after the incident in the cave, and she was the one who'd restore his confidence and send him back out when the community would attack him. She did everything for him, and his message... and this is how she gained a place in his heart that Aaishah (ra) was so jealous of. She believed in him when no-one else would, gave him her wealth to help him achieve his goal, and defended him when others attacked! Women are far far stronger than men in this regard.
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #6 on: Feb. 21, 2011, 07:14 PM »

Salam brother,


i can safely say i was not that child. I did not even think of marriage, whn i was asked what i wantd to be i replied with dancer, singer, artist. So i was not the typial girl.  :D

Brother you are right. Most of the men who hav ppraoched me for marriage are not ready and have not thought about things properly. Even the 32 year old brother i met, he said he was ready and yo would assume a 32 year old would be. But he was not.
But one thing i learnt from my past experinces is, that the brother has to prove heis ready and show that to my family, i.e by working dam hard for me and not trying to take the lazy approch. My family wont accept anything less, and will not politly enterntain any brothers who are this way at all.

I dont disagree but women need someone who will loo after them, they can feel safe with and can be strong. Especially me, i can be a bi of a softy and an emotional wreck, crying and what have you.   :D
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #7 on: Feb. 21, 2011, 07:33 PM »

I dont disagree but women need someone who will loo after them, they can feel safe with and can be strong. Especially me, i can be a bi of a softy and an emotional wreck, crying and what have you.   :D
Wa alaykum as salaam,

All women are like that, you're no different. But speaking as a guy, it's a shock when we see it for the first time, because we're not used to it... and we just have no idea how to react, lol.
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #8 on: Feb. 21, 2011, 08:52 PM »

I suppose all we want is a hug, Well all i would want is a hug.. maybe an attempt to resolve the issue, i think i would be happy if i saw my husand trying to solve it... even if he failed miserablly. It would be very considerate and showed he cared and wanted to make me happy.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #9 on: Feb. 21, 2011, 10:26 PM »

Yes, but do you know what he'll do... he'll ask you what the problem is, and try to resolve the problem. That's what men are like by nature, we like to fix things. If you come to us and talk about a problem, we'll give you advice on what to do and how to resolve the matter... when the reality is you just want someone to hear you out and a hug. That's an alien concept for us men... in fact, the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" stresses this point above all.

This is also why, when a man is stressed, he goes all quiet. And when a woman is stressed, she wants to talk about it. Naturally, when she sees her husband all stressed, she tries talking to him about it, completely misreading the situation and ultimately making things work. Men and women unfortunately just don't realise how each other work.

You have to watch this video to appreciate it properly... it's quite possibly the funniest video I've seen on the topic, but it explains it beautifully. I showed it to my sheikh once, and he did an entire khutbah on it, had the entire congregation laughing...


Is it sad that I know all about all of these things, all these opinions and views on relationships and marriage... I've clearly been studying the subject way too long  :-[
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #10 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 08:36 PM »

Thank you, that is hilarious. I had to LOL

No its not sad, i mean im 24 and i think i have devoured every marriage book i can get my hands on, every lectue on it and ever article and attended every seminar on marriage,advice and so on. So i think bythe time i am in my late 20's ill be som agony aunt to single sisters  :D
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #11 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 08:50 PM »

.... i diasgree i want my husbands advice, i would want it a lot. And i would appreciate it too. When i am stressed i do look for answers, i want to talk about it but i want it to be resolved too. I want someone to give me an answer if they dont then at that point my... let me qoute this... "Brain will explode"  :D :D :D
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #12 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 11:07 PM »

So i think bythe time i am in my late 20's ill be som agony aunt to single sisters  :D
lol, I've kind of turned into that already... some brothers now approach me asking me about the ins and outs of marriage, and what to do in relationships.. subhan'Allah :D
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SalwaR

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #13 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 11:53 PM »

Aw subhanallah, what responsibility brother.
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cinders

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Re: Would you consider a divourced brother/sister?
« Reply #14 on: Mar. 04, 2011, 02:38 AM »

Salam all,

Would I consider a brother who's divorced. The Blunt answer is NO, but never say never. I know what you guys are all thinking. But before you all bite my head off....
I guess the reason I feel like this is because I only feel like this because I come from the other side of divorce.  it would make me question as to Why? Why is the brother divorced? Did he not treat his wife right? What happened ? What if he's spinning me a line? What if everything is blamed on the wife as some guys will resort to lying cos he may have been a terrible husband to his 1st, 2nd wife etc. Like come on, he's not gonna admit that he treated her badly or he hit her, or had an affair, or he was always out with his mates & forgot his duties as a husband or father if kids are involved is he? Or he likes a drink or whatever....
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