Advertisement:

Pages: [1] |   Go Down

Author Topic: Second Marriage?  (Read 2710 times)

Concerned

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
Second Marriage?
« on: Feb. 22, 2011, 11:17 AM »

Assalam-Alaikum,
                            I know how many weird 'looks' I'll get after writing this post. But one thing I cannot understand is, why in islamic societies(both in east and west) polygamy is considered to be such a bad thing. Personally I am not a fan of having more than one wife since having one wife is recommended in islam.

But why is that it is considered to be such a taboo? Although islam clearly allows it. People thinking of it are greatly discouraged. And sisters opting to be a second wife are considered to  be 'destroying homes'?
Was polygamy practiced in Islamic societies 200 years ago or before that?

I can understand that one reason for this looking 'weird' is because on average the population of men and women is 50/50. And therefore the probability of monogamous marriages is really really high than polygamous marriages. Therefore polygamous marriages being in such a small number look weird. But why is that whenever someone mentions it people bash that person so much as if he/she is doing something really really wrong.

regards,
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #1 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 11:48 AM »

I think it's based on society... I know a small handful of people who have multiple marriages, there don't seem to be any problems there, so long as all parties know what the deal is.

One other thing to address is that the general population of men and women are not 50/50. Yes, men and women are born in equal proportion, but male children have a high mortality rate in infancy (leaving more women).

On top of that, the criminal world is generally made up of men (so a lot of them are in jail), and there's the issue of homosexuality... wars (in which the men die, thus creating widows), and men don't live as long as women anyway (generally speaking)...

In short, there are far far more women eligible for marriage around than there are men... that's the theory anyway
Logged

Amatullah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #2 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 12:49 PM »

From what I've read, women are reverting to Islam at a rate of 3 to 1, so it isn't just how many men and women there are, it's how many are marriageable.  Since we sisters can't marry a non-Muslim under any circumstances and the brothers can, within some limitations, that makes marriage even harder for single sisters.  In the last days, women will outnumber men 50:1 according to Islam prophecy.  That is happening gradually, but it's already pretty obvious.  Many of the foods we eat now are really doing a number on male fertility.  Soy and the hormones cows are shot with are harming testosterone levels.  Soy is a high in phytoestrogens, which is why men especially in America, aren't as manly anymore.  It's in just about everything.  Causing low (ahem cough)counts, less facial and body hair and the plastic surgeons are doing an increasing business in breast reduction on men.  Less testosterone, less fertility and less drive to marry.  What a bad combination for us women.  Anyway, boy was that a tangent!!!

I was in a new Muslim class and we were talking about marriage and I said that I would prefer to be a second or third wife.  All but one person was horrified and suddenly defensive.  I believe women don't want others doing it because it adds more acceptance to it and they don't want their husbands  to consider it.  My reasoning is, I have been married before and have all the children I'm going to have.  I would like to have a husband around some for all the obvious reasons, but I wouldn't want to take a brother off the market when there are so many sisters who have never been married or had babies.  I don't need or even want someone around 24/7 and I even like the idea of helping with kids every now and then, so the co-wife and husband could have time alone.  There are alot of benefits to sharing a husband, but all people think about is him getting physical with another woman.  Thats not a very big part of life time wise, but the emphasis on is is so heavy, at least in my country.  Polygny would have bothered me when I was younger, but I'm hoping I can handle it now.  I don't believe our ummah can be a healthy one, if half of the women in it are celibate and grieving over not being able to have children.  It is not just the single women's problem.  It is the entire ummah's problem because women will not typically stay alone and celibate for their whole lives.  We weren't created to live that way and it doesn't work.  I know some Muslim women who are marrying Christian men who have promised to raise the children Muslim.  Some of the Christian men are finding out that many Muslim women are more willing to stay home and take care of the kids and fulfill more traditional roles.  We make better wives.  The problem is, marrying a kuffar is still wrong. 

I would not consider marrying a man unless I met his wife and we got to know eachother and she agreed.  No secrets.  Even though according to Islam, a man doesn't need his wife's permission, I do.  I don't think anyone should be added to an existing family unless the people in the family are okay with it.  Even one of my imam's said polygny  wasn't adviseable in America because of the law against it, but that doesn't seem right.  Do we follow man's law instead of Allah's (SWT).  The one man, one woman was a Christian rule I think.  I'm in a online group that is just Muslims and most of the people in it are practicing polygny and are very happy.  They mostly seem to live on the east coast.  Maybe it's less of a taboo there.  I think it's already necessary or there wouldn't be so many unmarried sisters at the masjid I go to.  Many of them have been trying to find a husband for a long time.  I would share if I had one. :)  I do admit that I haven't tried to find anyone yet.  Taking care of my extremely grumpy 90 year old dad is the only man I can handle right now.  It's good practice for me to work on my patience, alhamdulillah!!! 
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #3 on: Feb. 22, 2011, 08:26 PM »

Salam

I am affraid muslim women and muslim men are not equal today, nor were they in the tme of the Prophet SAW. Muslim men are always in demand lol.
Today there are more muslim women then men. Subhanallah. i think its 4 muslimahs to one muslim man.  :D

And more reverts are sisters. I dont agree, it was a practice in my parents generation and grandparents gneration. But its hard to do it here due to laws in the UK.
I watched a documentry on  Moroccan TV about revert sisters from UK, France, USA who went to Morocco and became second wives or actually asked the husbnd you need a second wife... and they... these western women encouraged thier husbands to marry again. Subhanallah. this was a few years ago. In Morocco it is discouraged now due to the liberalism, watering down Islamic concepts in the country and adopting western laws etc. Its very sad.
But if a woman has a big enough heart to do that then mashallah.

Personally i could not do it. 
Logged

silverose

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #4 on: May. 11, 2011, 06:04 AM »

just curoius since your not interested in polygamy why does it matter to you?

ofcourse you do not have to deal with your wife having more than one marriage so you can't know how it feels. I would not be able to be in that situation at all! I think its sort of gross. my opinon.

salaam

I think that men should not really worry about woman think or judge woman bc they could never put up w their partner having another partner themselves. I don't know why they think woman would feel differently?:/
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #5 on: May. 11, 2011, 08:36 PM »

Salaam all,

Can't believe I've not responded to this, but I read this point and I think it was definitely worthy of a response...

Personally I am not a fan of having more than one wife since having one wife is recommended in islam.

I must say, I don't believe that at all! They ayat in the Qur'an does say to marry only one if you cannot be fair to more than one, but Allah (swt) mentions polygamy first. Furthermore, there are a lot of proofs and evidences that show it's preferential for a polygamous society than a monogamous one (see Ahmed Deedat's works).

And finally, just consider the Prophet (saw) and the sahaba especially. They would follow the Prophet (saw) in everything, and try everything for the smallest bit of baraka... to the point they would catch his spit and drink it!! They would do things, just because he loved to do it.

Do you honestly believe that their understanding of Islam was that it's better for a monogamous relationship when they all engaged in polygamy? If monogamy was better, they'd have done it, but they didn't. Just something to think about, and Allah knows best.
Logged

jannah

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 269
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #6 on: May. 12, 2011, 09:23 PM »

wsalam,

hmm whenever the topic of polygamy comes up, some ppl in favor of it are quick to point out that the prophet (saw) and the sahabah practiced polygamy and they being the best of men would have only done what is good, therefore we should do it!  BUT the thing we should remember was that the prophet (saw) was the best of men!! and as were the sahabah. they were extremely righteous and good men that did their utmost to follow the guidelines and stipulations of polygamy. their whole society was set up to support polygamy.

now we have to look at "modern men" and "modern society". things are very different. are modern men able to treat women equally and give them all their rights. the same accomodations, same health care, same vacations, same cell phones, same education to the kids. what kind of life would that entail, what kind of strains would there be. we should also note that while the prophet (saw) treated each of his wives with fairness, he did love one more than the others. and those other women had extreme understanding of sabr of that, such that they even gave their rights up for her. would that happen in these days? "modern women" are not the ummuhat al muslimeen and nor are they sahabiyat. when ali (ra) was considering a second wife to fatima (ra) the prophet (saw) said something to the effect that what would hurt fatima would hurt him.

so again if someone is considering polygamy they need to consider all these things. and if they are going to make a blanket statement that "polygamy is good because the prophet/sahabas did it, so we should do it", they haven't thought things through.
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #7 on: May. 14, 2011, 01:09 AM »

Jannah: I completely agree :) But I also do think you're over-simplifying. Equal treatment doesn't mean what you've described there, that they all have to have the same thing. It means they're treated fairly, not necessarily identically.

And which of the wives gave up their rights for Aaishah, except the one that did so in order not to be divorced from the Prophet (saw)? Context is important when you consider the actions taken.

In any case, my comment was only in response to the suggestion that one wife was recommended, this isn't actually the case, and we need to be careful about what is and what isn't recommended in Islam if we don't understand things. It's not up to our own personal interpretation.

And Allah (swt) knows best
Logged

Amatullah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #8 on: Sep. 21, 2011, 11:03 AM »

Assalamu alaikom brother Al-Qamar,
I know this post is old, but I wanted to ask you about something.  There is a story about Sauda bint Zam'ah (Radiy Allahu Anha) and the prophet (SAW), that he was going to divorce her because she was old and ugly and of no use to him anymore.  Well, I've learned that if something doesn't sound like the prophet (SAW), there is a good chance it's not really from him.  That was the only way I survived being a new Muslim and hearing all the ugly stories my old "friends" wanted to tell me about Islam.  The way I understand it, that hadith that said he was going to divorce her, was "mursal ghareeb" or unattached because it skipped a generation, so wasn't considered reliable.  The prophet (SAW) married several women (Radiy Allahu Anha)  to protect them.  That makes it pretty unbelievable that he (SAW) would withdraw his protection to the wife (Radiy Allahu Anha)  who comforted him (SAW) over the loss of his first wife (Radiy Allahu Anha)  and kept his home and helped with Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) when she was too young to take on her role as a wife.  Sauda (Radiy Allahu Anha) was always a homely woman, so kicking her out because she was ugly doesn't make sense.  The prophet (Radiy Allahu Anha)  married to set an example too.  The way I understood it Allah (SWT) chose the prophet's (SAW) wives (Radiy Allahu Anha). Encouraging men to get rid of the women who raised their children and cared for their husband for many years, well I feel safe in saying I just don't believe it.  There are strong hadiths from Aisha, saying that there was never a more loving woman to her that Sauda and she wanted to be like her.  I can't picture Aisha agreeing to let the prophet (SAW) banish Sauda (Radiy Allahu Anha) either.  Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha)  was very strong-willed and tender-hearted.

What I read about it later made more sense.  The way it was explained, after the weak Hadith was disputed is Sauda (Radiy Allahu Anha) was afraid the prophet (SAW) wouldn't want to keep coming to her anymore and she really didn't need a man physically at her age, so she went to the prophet (SAW) and offered to give her day to Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) as long as she could stay his wife and be resurrected as his wife in Jannah.  He (SAW) agreed to her wishes.  I'm not going to give sites or hadiths, because I read about this in several places, but I would like to know what you know about this.

Oh and another wife who gave up her rights, at least for a night, was Safiyyah (Radiy Allahu Anha) .  The prophet (SAW) was angry at her and she told Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) if she could make him forgive her, she would give Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) her rights for the night.  Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) went to see the prophet (SAW) and he told her to move away from him because it wasn't her night.  He was very careful to be fair.  Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) told him about Safiyyah (Radiy Allahu Anha) and he forgave Safiyyah (Radiy Allahu Anha) .  Of course it said Aisha (Radiy Allahu Anha) was wearing a nice veil and sweet perfume.  She was very wise!!  It also said that it was a practice of the other wives (Radiy Allahu Anha) to give up a day to satisfy the prophet(SAW).  I am always amazed to learn more about how loving and unselfish the prophet's (SAW) wives (Radiy Allahu Anha)  were. 

I have one other question.  Do we use (Radiy Allahu Anha) and (SAW)  on the pronouns too or just prophet or the proper names??  Jak brother.
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102
Re: Second Marriage?
« Reply #9 on: Nov. 25, 2011, 05:08 PM »

well 50/50 maybe the estimate for population.

But obviously muslim can not marry non muslim. So lets look at women men percentage in Islam. Well its not equal at all. More women then men, 60/40 about that, and 60% is women and thats increaseing why? more women revert to Islam then men, And then you need to remove those men who are Homosexual yes in Islam, those who marry non muslim women, two main factors.
For every man that reverts 4/5 women revert, so we can say that more muslim women then men, and with all the other factors... some women will never get married so i think the time has come around again for men to start taken 2/3 wives.
We are all financially better off then those in the time of the Prophet SAW, they used to go days without eating and still got married to other women. so its not an excuse to not take a second wife.
Its either tha or these women grow and die alone, for most a time will come when they will wnt children, and companionship. If they cant be wife one, then maybe they need to think about being wife 2 or 3.
Its the only solution. Unless we concentrate our dawah just on men lol, but Allah guides those to Islam not us. we are just a means.
Logged
Pages: [1] |   Go Up
 
 



Individual posts do not reflect the views of halfmydeen.org. All trademarks and copyrights are owned by their respective owners.
Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © halfmydeen.org