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Author Topic: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!  (Read 2635 times)

Sumayyaxx

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Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« on: Oct. 02, 2010, 06:20 PM »

Salam,

I converted to Islam about 7 years ago.  I'd guess like many converts, I have no family to help with marriage.  I've therefore had to look for myself.  I have had such bad experiences, it's putting me off men!!  I'm now 28, working professional, apparently not bad looking, slim, etc.

I had a guy a while back and requested my muslim friends help me speak to him, etc - they agreed but them backed out on me.  I continued getting to know him the best I could. A long time later I learned he was living with another woman the whole time!  That upset me but also I felt very let down that none of my "friends" were willing to help me.

I've met a couple of ok guys that have discussed me with their families.  But their parents have then refused to meet me.  Oh did I mention I have a child?  It seems that makes things more complicated.  In my experience many parents think more about what the neighbours think than the reward their son would get for marrying me and taking on my child.

I was really upset, I spoke to someone at the mosque.  I wanted to just go and get drunk to be honest.  I asked if I could join activities to make friends, etc, I explained I felt lonely.  At the mosque I was pretty much ignored.  If it wasn't for my daughter I wouldn't have remained so strong.  I think as converts we are especially vulnerable. 

I joined a social group a couple of years ago.  The organisers tried to set me up with a guy.  You might think great.  BUT he was 10 years older, divorced, with 2 kids and unemployed.  I hope I don't sound like a snob but what was supposed to be the appeal? 
I've had an apparently really practicing guy go mad with me because I refused to be his second wife.  He was calling me names, and telling me nobody else will ever want a white woman with a kid.  I can't be bothered to mention my other experiences, I've tried websites and found many married men or guys wanting a British passport.  I've not done marriage events, childcare is an issue but also if I didn't get any interest I'd have to go home and kill myself lol!!   I've thought about turning gay but Islam forbids it!

My daughter is 8, obviously white like me - I'm thinking, should I start looking for a husband for her now?!  I don't think I'm that fussy, I just want a decent guy with a decent job, similar age to me.  Anyway, my rant is over!  It would be great to hear peoples views or experiences, and much of this is said in jest so please forgive me if I've offended anybody.

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JenBean71

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #1 on: Oct. 02, 2010, 10:14 PM »

Asalam alaikum
Dear Sister Sumayya,

It appears Allah has guided you, forgiven your sins and gave you your own set of challenges leveled against you by none other than some of your brothers and sisters.

Kind of lonely at the top, isn't it?  :) I'll bet the neighbours don't realise that enough to talk about it.

Allahu alam (Allah knows) - you don't stand a chance if He is protecting you by keeping you away from something harmful - closed cultural values and innovations. It would be too many backwards steps for anyone who has embraced Islam to take. Not every prospective spouse has these hangups but you know them when you see them.

People of every ethnicity, embrace Islam - Black sisters and brothers, white sisters and brothers, asian sisters and brothers, aboriginal sisters and brothers and everything in between. I believe Allah has someone for everyone inshaAllah. May Allah facilitate you finding a righteous brother for marriage and give you long life and happiness now and in the hereafter in Jennah, ameen! Please have some hope for the best - it may not happen as soon as you'd like it to. InshaAllah soon.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #2 on: Oct. 04, 2010, 12:31 PM »

Assalamu alaykum ukhti,

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles that you've been through, but trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel, insha'Allah. From my own experience, converts to Islam are very highly sought after, and there are two reasons for this (and I'm speaking from the background of being from Middle-Eastern origin).

The first is that, generally speaking, they hold on to the deen more than those who were born into Islam and are apathetic toward it. There appears to be a growing movement among the youth (well, in my area especially, I can't speak for everyone) that whereas the parents used to be attached to cultural values, the children are now rejecting these in favour of authentic Islam.

I think being raised in this country has a lot to do with it, as we're generally more educated than our parents were, and we also mix with Muslims from different nationalities, so we have to put our cultural values aside and adopt Islamic values in order to get along (and it's far easier that way too).

As such, these people (and I include myself among them) seek spouses that have also thought about their deen, and made changes in their life to accomodate it (rather than simply following cultural practise which appears to be Islamic, but actually isn't when you look at it properly). And what better way to guarantee a sister has thought about the deen than to marry a convert?

The other thing is (and I mean this without being racist in any way, unfortunately this is just a fact of life), many men prefer white girls over darker girls. Especially among the Pakistani community, one request that is often made when a family is seeking a girl is that she be of light colour. So again, for this reason, white converts are highly sought after.


But there are negatives as well. The problem is the parents in most cases (most, not all). They're still stuck on their cultural ways, and they want a daughter-in-law that understands and respects it (from the point of view that they've grown up with it, so they understand it implicitely without needing to be taught it). Converts cannot offer this.

The other thing is, a marriage is not just about the groom and wife. It's a union between families, and families within a particular community tend only to know those families of the same community (i.e. pakistanis will generally only know other pakistani families). Thus, they tend to marry within these circles because they can do background checks on each other and decide whether they can be compatible with each other.

Unfortunately, reverts come on their own, which makes it hard to do any kind of a background check to establish what sort of upbringing they've had, or what the family traits are. These things are important.

And sometimes, you also get the potential husband who's a problem. He gets stars in his eyes at the thought of marrying a convert, but expects her to act like a native from his own country. I was once in contact with a convert from western europe who mentioned that guys would ask her if she cooked spicy food, but she couldn't stand spices to the point it made her eyes water. Whilst she didn't mind learning for the sake of pleasing her husband, it was something she physically couldn't do, and she didn't enjoy eating it herself.


All that said though, if you do find a guy open-minded enough, you may be successful, insha'Allah. It'll be up to him to convince his family if they need convincing, but you'll need to make sure he's marrying you for the right reasons (i.e. not to have you as a trophy wife).

With regards to your daughter, Allah knows best. There are several reasons I could give as to why this causes issues. A lot of guys like the idea of marrying someone who hasn't been touched, and the fact that you already have a daughter is a constant symbol that isn't the case. This also causes problems with the parents because of gossip (people like to speak ill whenever they get the chance, and for a guy to marry a girl who has children from another man, this is the perfect way to start malicious gossip and many parents aren't strong enough to deal with it, so they avoid the problem altogether).

There are also some (especially those who don't have their own children) who feel that they may not be able to offer your daughter her rights, and the fear in this case would be to do an injustice to your daughter in some way. There's also also the added fear that your child may also divert your attention from your husband, causing jealousy.

That said, if a man already has a child (i.e. is divorced), he shouldn't have any issue accepting yours. It's been my general observation that marriages usually occur between childless couples, or where both have children. But it's not unheard of for people without children to marry people with children, although usually it's where the guy has children (or at least custody of them).


Anyway, I hope that helps in some small way. Trust me, the right guy will come along soon insha'Allah. My only advice to you would be to go to where the type of guy you want/need exists. As my sheikh says "If you want a mango, you don't go to the orange market". You need someone strong in their deen, and also a modern thinker. Try going to the masjid, and also local Islamic charities, and join in with the public events that they do. You'll generally find (and I speak only from personal experience from my local area) that the people involved in these things are more forward thinking and perhaps more suitable for you insha'Allah.
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Nannysam

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #3 on: Oct. 05, 2010, 12:11 AM »

Inshallah of course something will come along sister, you;ve just gotta stay strong and never loose your hope in Allah. Its a really difficult trial, but may Allah give you the strength to cope, i agree with the bro, at least you dnt have any cultural baggage and you may be implementing your deen more than the born muslims, Allah knows best.
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Sumayyaxx

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #4 on: Oct. 07, 2010, 10:26 PM »

Thanks guys,  I posted that online and wasn't sure what kind of response I'd get.  I'm just looking on the positive side and thinking that Allah has saved me from something that wasn't going to work.  In the meantime I'm progressing well in my career, also studying part time at uni (paid for by work yipee!), I have a trainee of my own too!  And I'm lucky enough to be going on holiday to Egypt this month with my daughter, we stay up late, eat as much chocolate as we like, etc....  I'm in no rush to get married!

Things will work out well for you too inshallah.
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cinders

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #5 on: Oct. 09, 2010, 12:57 AM »

Salam people. Just thought I'd add my tuppence worth.
Sis, it's not just the fact that you're a revert, it's also because we're single mothers. More prejudice, also prone to *some geezers* thinking we're vulnerable & desperate to marry anyone! God forbid that we should have some standards. Check out another post "Divorcee with children" on here. You'll get the gist of what I'm trying to say.
One of my best friends is a (black) & alhamdulillah, Allah guided her to Islam when she was pregnant! She sacrificed a lot, for the sake of Allah. She gave being with her then boyfriend (who is father of her child who she loved a lot.) She has been on her own since she was pregnant for nearly 9 years. & Mash'Allah, in one way it may seem sad that she's on her own for so long, but look at her blessings too. She is a young independent woman, running a house, mother to her son, educating herself through university & she truly is inspirational as a person and as a fellow Muslim sister. Her imaan is wonderful. When I look at her, she is inspirational to me.
me.
 
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cinders

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #6 on: Oct. 09, 2010, 01:04 AM »

^ sorry about post. I'm writing via my phone & doesn't let me check what I'm posting.
* She is a black revert
* she is an inspiration to me
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SalwaR

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #7 on: Feb. 14, 2011, 03:34 PM »

Asalam waliykum sister


Mashallah, and mabrrok sister. Its allways good to see new sister and new muslims. I am saddened to see you have no support.
Wallahi if i could and i knew you i would help you

I have many many revert freinds, And i must say most of them rushed into marriage within the first year of reverting and have gotten divourced.
But alhamdulillah you have ben a revert for 7 years so you will be wiser and know what you want and what you need.
I have a freind who just reverted and desperetly wants to get married. I have tried to support her and give advice but i know its a bd idea for her now, she is a baby muslim and still has not fully enveloped islam and its teachings. Some of the men who have approached her have been the typical ones who are muslim by name and not by nature.

I think its crucial you have a Wali and female support, Inshallh goto your local mosque and speak with your imam he will be abl to suggst to you brothers from the community and be your wali too.
I would also think about aquiring some new freinds too.

Inshallah khier sis.
May Allah bless you with a pious brother. ameen
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practising_muslimah

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Re: Do Converted Sisters Stand A Chance?!
« Reply #8 on: Apr. 08, 2011, 02:32 PM »

Walikum aslam wr wb

dont worry sis some polygynists have said awful stuff to me too, like i am 35 and will rot away soon or something like that!!.  Its not because you are a revert, esp if you are white as most bros do like white reverts, its prob cos you have a daughter ukhti.  I may know a bro who is interested, PM if you can and i will put you in touch insha'Allah.
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