Advertisement:

Pages: [1] 2 |   Go Down

Author Topic: Yet another question from me.... i promise no more from me...today :D  (Read 2589 times)

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

Asalam waliykum people :D

Ok here is a question, a challange, an exercise whatever you want to call it

You are thinking about the criteria you want in your husband/wife. You are advised to write te top 10 musts in your partner. Things you desire and so on.

Here are the top ten, a generic... they may not be important to you, but its an exercise and you can formulate your own inshallah. ok lets begin...

1) Spouce must be attractive, handsome/beautiful etc

2) Spouce must have beard/wear hijab and encourage me to do the same either wear hijab/ grow a beard.

3) Have a great sense of humour

4) Be someone i can Talk to and they will be a great listener

5) Love to travel and take me with them whereever they go

6) Be romantic

7) Love the deen as much as me

8) have a wonderful personality and character

9) Want to have 2.3 children and live in a beautiful house in a wonderful leafy suburb

10) Loves children and loves family, parents, siblings etc
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

OK, they are generic and may not be what you desire... but join in for fun and to learn a bit too.


Anyway, onto the second part, You MUST now only select 6 of the orignial criteria, they do not have to be ranked in importance. It doesnt matter, just narrow down to six.

Once you have done this have a think again........ *Thinks*.......... .. .
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

ok, i bet you can guess what i am going to say now?

Yeap you are right, now narrow these 6 down to 4!!! Yeap its tough i did it and its tough...

go on.... write them down somewhere have another think........


Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

OK final part peoples.

Now only select 2/3, 2 would be better but if you can't and its hard then do not worry. You do not need to rank them in any order.

Now, if you would be kind as to list them an post them on this bord. It b good to see what you guys came up with as your top 2/3

Ill share mine too inshallah  :D
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115

Easy :)
  • Deen
  • Beauty
  • Family

Let me explain why... the Prophet (saw) narrated that women are married for four reasons: beauty, wealth, lineage and deen, so marry the one with deen, may your hands be rubbed in the dust.

It's important to note that this hadith is not exhaustive as to the criteria, but mentions the common ones for good reason. Now, for each characteristic in turn:

Deen
If a sister doesn't have deen, the marriage will be a disaster in one way or another. Sure, she may be a lovely person, but she may raise your kids on the wrong path, and that'll cause knock-on issues for you. She may even cause you to deviate.

That doesn't mean she should be an alimah, or 100% knowledgable. The amount of practise is up to you, and dependant on circumstances. If she's young, or recently reverted, or recently 'awaken', then a lack of knowledge is excusable. What's more important to measure is enthusiasm... if she doesn't care now, it's not likely she will in the future


Beauty
Sorry... this is just how guys are. To deny it would deny the very manner in which Allah (swt) created us. Men are driven by their physical senses, and it is this forms the initials sparks for a man. At the beginning of the relationship, it's important that the 'bonding' is achieved properly because the "honeymoon period" doesn't last forever. It's caused by a chemical that's released in both partners to make them more attractive to each other to aid the bonding in the early stages of marriage when the couple don't know each other that well... subhan'Allah.. what a Mercy from Allah (swt)?

This is also why you see people change after a couple of months. They can't help it... it's all hormonal.


Family
I can't remember the hadith exactly, and I can't even remember if it's authentic, but the meaning was correct. The Prophet (saw) said (heavily paraphrased) that a rose that has been raised in a bad environment will still carry the traits (or some at least) of its environment.

Also, if the family are not happy with the prospective groom, chances are they won't help make the marriage work. I've seen marriages fail because of this... girls have married guys of their choosing, against their family's wishes, and the families just try to make the marriage fail, using every opportunity they can just to justify their original prejudices.


Now, you could argue that these aren't the most important criteria overall... after all, personality counts for a lot too. But unfortunately, if these initial three factors aren't present, chances are the process won't last long enough to discover the personality in the first instance, hence these factors are quite important.
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

Hmm ok, but looks will change,and maybe after a couple of years she may change drastically, then what?

Men are so typical.....  :D
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115

Hmm ok, but looks will change,and maybe after a couple of years she may change drastically, then what?
Ahh... this is where love grows... it's not the same, it's organic. It grows, and changes over time. By the time she grows old, yes, she'll have lost her looks, but you'd have gained history together. You'd have children together. You'd have past memories to reflect over. More importantly however, you'd have companionship.

At that point in time in the relationship, it's another mercy from Allah (swt) that you look at the deeper qualities in your wife.

BUT..., without the initial three that I mention (for me, specifically)... the marriage would be difficult to establish in the first instance, so you wouldn't even reach that stage. I wouldn't marry someone without deen, that's just silly. I wouldn't marry someone I wasn't physically attracted to, how could I possibly expect to treat her with love and tenderness if I didn't feel that way towards her. And I couldn't marry someone who's family was against the idea of us marrying for fear that they'll work to break it, rather than solidify it.

All the other factors come into play once the marriage has been established... not before.
Logged

Amatullah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15

Here's my ten.  I'm going to have to think about what is expendable. :-\  It's actually good to think about this.  All I've really thought about is marrying a good Muslim, but other things can make us more compatible too. 


1.  Be a better Muslim than I am and willing to 'tutor'.
2.  Smarter than I am
3.  Have alot of confidence
4.  A good sense of humor
5.  Physically attractive (to me, not society).  Beauty depends on what we find beauty in.
6.  Be passionate
7.  Be direct and honest
8.  Have a good relationship with family
9.  Have his own interests and hobbies, hopefully not TV
10. Have patience
Logged

anothertry38

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15

Al Qamar, if all men follow what you propose that women need to be beautiful to get married, then I guess I will never get married. I have never seen myself as ugly, but I know that most guys do not see me as beautiful since I do not fit into the typical stereotype that most men are looking for....alhamdullah for everything. If it wasn't for having kids, I would never even consider the idea of marriage at all...again, alhamdullah for everything.
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115

Al Qamar, if all men follow what you propose that women need to be beautiful to get married, then I guess I will never get married.
Ukhti, I didn't say women need to be beautiful to get married, I said there needs to be physical attraction... and I mentioned that particularly applies to me. And I'm going to stick with this opinion for two reasons:
  • I've asked Sheikh Alaa this question directly and in person on two separate occasions a year apart (in Feb 2010, and most recently, Jan 2011). He's an expert on family fiqh, and has been doing marriage councelling for over 20 years in Canada... he knows what he's talking about, and his advice has been consistently not to marry the sister concerned
  • Sheikh Yasir Qadhi also mentioned this exact point last night in the 'Like a Garment' lectures that are presently taking place. He went into some detail to explain the psychology behind it, but essentially for guys, we need the physical attraction, and he is personally aware (in his capacity as an Islamic cleric) of many many instances where the marriages have broken down because brothers married pious sisters that they weren't attracted to in the hopes love would come later... but it doesn't for men. It does for women, but not for men! So the men seek 'satisfaction' elsewhere, and consequently this causes devastation in the marriage, especially when the woman herself has done nothing wrong!

So, I'm sorry... that's my opinion, based on the opinions of two sheikhs whom I have great respect for, and the fact that I'm a man and have personal experience in knowing how we think... so I'm sticking with that opinion.

Both sheikhs reiterated over and over again, if you want the marriage to be successful, the man has to be attracted to his wife.


However, as I mentioned, this is for me specifically. Sheikh Yasir Qadhi said this is the normal case, most guys are like me in this regard. However there's roughly 15% of cases where men marry overlooking beauty because they are able to do so. Allah (swt) is Merciful, he would not have created you without creating a spouse suitable for you also, insha'Allah.

Bear in mind, not all men marry for the intimacy marriage permits. Some men marry because it's a sunnah... I also know of one brother who is seeking a second wife, and is specifically seeking a widow with child so he can have the honour of raising an orphan. In this regard, he's going to get his 'satisfaction' from his first wife, but he'll be able to maintain and support the second... he's not looking for love there.

I don't want to put a downer on the situation, ukhti, but I don't know you and your circumstances, and this topic is way too big to discuss in any great depth in this medium. But I hope I've explained enough to let you know how and why I came to my decision, and that there is always hope for you too, insha'Allah (although I appreciate you might not like to be a second wife...)
Logged

anothertry38

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15

And there you are assuming that just because I am not pretty, then I am not human....I should be looking for someone who will not care about loving me. Your just like people in my community who treat me like a social worker. Everytime there is a brother with a problem and the solution is marriage, automatically I am the right one; he needs his papers to stay in the country, oh, let's run to Sr. Anothertry, he is having problems with his wife and is looking for another wife...Sr. Anothertry, he is divorced with kids and no education, why, Sr. Anothertry might accept...after all when I finally approached a sister who brought me someone def. not acceptable for me, she said i might as well be grateful that she thought of me considering my situation. What situation? Am I NOT a human being just because I am not pretty.....

Please do not think I am taking this out on you, but subhanAllah you answered just like everyone else in my community....funny, that is the reason I have decided to leave that community...now I realize everyone is the same in all the communities........
Logged

Amatullah

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15

Anothertry38........Please don't lose hope.  One of the misunderstandings here is the definition of beauty.  I am quite sure the prophet (pbuh) wasn't referring to the idea of beauty that so much of the world sees it as now.  I know it seems corny, but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  Shaytan is the author of the dunya's idea of beauty.  And if it can make a Muslimah feel disheartened, then I'm sure he is quite happy with the deception.

As for the people in your community, they are wrong to try and second guess what you should have.  Only Allah (SWT) really knows that.  But their intentions are probably better than they seem.  Just don't blame Islam for it's imperfect Muslims.  I am almost 58.  I've been married, but not since I became a Muslim.  I am not looking to marry someone who feels sorry for me or is doing his duty.  I don't know any woman who is.  There still must be some attraction there, in most cases.  Even for the women.  We're just attracted to different things.  I do know some women who do not care about that kind of closeness, but most of us do.   That said, we should feel grateful for our husbands support, inshallah.  But like Allah (SWT) created men to be more dependent on physical cues, He (SWT) also created us women with nuturing and emotional needs that make us good wives and mothers, but also make us sensitive to being hurt.  Sisters and brothers need to be valued for what Allah (SWT) has made us.

I don't think I really knew what beauty is until year before last.  I've only been a Muslim for a year and a half, but I remember how hard it was for me to put on the hijab.  I'm not beautiful, but the idea of covering up almost felt like taking my power away.  I wore the hijab off and on for several months and I was miserable in it.  Miserable was an understatement.  I was way too hot, it slipped off, I felt like a bag lady and wanted to cry all the time and on and on.  One day I decided to stop making excuses and crying and just do what I knew Allah (SWT) commanded.  I would never go out without my hijab again.  Right away, the discomfort left.  I felt so much peace and it sounds kind of odd to say, but I felt beautiful in my hijab and I still do.  Trying to be a slave to Allah (SWT) feels so much better than thinking about how I look to man.  I lost nearly every friend I had and people who know me all got together and discussed whether or not I was having a mental breakdown.  It didn't matter.  What people think about me doesn't matter.  Don't let what others think matter to you.  And don't forget that men are often terrible at communicating what it is they are really trying to say.  Us sisters and brothers are on the same side, so it works better if we believe the best of them and ignore that foot hanging out of their mouth. :D  Allah (SWT) definitely created us differently in many ways and it is pretty wonderful most of the time.  Allah (SWT) tells us to ask for what we need and ask strongly, so we can ask Him (SWT) to bring attraction and love for us and a future partner.  Alhamdulillah!! 
Logged

jannah

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 269

Very nice message amatullah jazaki Allah khair. Anothertry thanks for posting your frustrations, they go for all girls who are over 25 and not white and/or beautiful. Unfortunately, something we have to face is that men in this ummah ARE racist and shallow. They are looking for the certain looks of the elite status quo, as I mentioned in my previous posts based on colonialism, historical factors and today's fashions. They are looking for a certain image.. of a docile, homemaker doormat, trophy wife. Because why. Again those historical, cultural factors. And the majority of the guys in this category are born overseas. My advice to you is look for converts. They've been raised in a less racist way, ie at least to know racism is wrong intellectually and they are trying to live up to the ideals of Islam. They truly want a good well-rounded wife for marriage and not a beautiful doormat. Seriously, do yourself a favor and forget all those wack guys and start looking for that rare 2% that aren't like that. May Allah grant you righteous spouses ladies. Ameen.
Logged

Al-Qamar

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115

And there you are assuming that just because I am not pretty, then I am not human....I should be looking for someone who will not care about loving me.
Subhan'Allah, I said no such thing... let's recap...

You asked a very direct question about beauty being a factor for men (and others after you have also raised this point). The fact is, I gave you the answer... and not only that I also backed it up with the evidences of two internationally respected sheikhs who have direct experience in this matter! If (as one mentioned) you want to take away from this that men are shallow, be my guest. But just remember, that's how Allah (swt) made us, and who are you to criticise the method and manner in which Allah (swt) creates?

Secondly, I don't know you. I've never met you, I've never spoken to you, I've never messaged you, or otherwise had any contact with you of any kind. I've no idea if you're beautiful or not... beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm just going on what you said and your concerns.

Your concern was that you'd never get married... I don't know your situation, but what I was trying to show is that there's always a way if that's your concern. If Allah (swt) has decreed a matter for you, none can change it.

Your just like people in my community who treat me like a social worker.
I think that's a little unfair. I've not judged you or treated you in any manner. I think you're venting because of what others have done, and you'd like to take it out on me.

That being the case, go right ahead. I don't take any personal offence because at the end of the day I know it's not true. But if it makes you feel better, then insha'Allah I'll be rewarded for that.

Please do not think I am taking this out on you
That's a little hard, because on the basis of a single answer, you've made an accusation towards and about me.

but subhanAllah you answered just like everyone else in my community....
Really? By stating what? That men look for beauty in women? That's fact! And by stating that there will be someone for you, insha'Allah. Well, that's up to Allah (swt), but I'd like to think so. Anything else you've read in.



@Amatullah : completely agree with all your points, jazak'Allah khair



Unfortunately, something we have to face is that men in this ummah ARE racist and shallow.
That's a pretty blanket statement to describe a body of people that make up at least 1/5th of world's population... are you sure you're not exaggerating slightly?
They are looking for the certain looks of the elite status quo, as I mentioned in my previous posts based on colonialism, historical factors and today's fashions. They are looking for a certain image.. of a docile, homemaker doormat, trophy wife.
You'd be surprised... many don't! And I'll name myself specifically in that... in fact on my marriage profile I've specifically stated that I don't want a wife who thinks it's her place to cook/clean... I have my reasons, but my point is you can't just make blanket statements like that.

Because why. Again those historical, cultural factors. And the majority of the guys in this category are born overseas. My advice to you is look for converts.
Now you're mixing two different things... being born and raised overseas with how they were born? What about a convert who was born overseas? What about a person who was born Muslim, but raised in the West?

They've been raised in a less racist way, ie at least to know racism is wrong intellectually and they are trying to live up to the ideals of Islam.
Again, you'd be surprised... and it's best to talk from personal experience rather than what you think might be the case. I've spoken to many sisters for marriage in the last few years... two of which have been reverts. And truely, the two reverts were the worst... completely lacking in manners and common decency, hiding behind stupid excuses to justify what they were doing.

I'm not saying avoid reverts either... but you can't just people has a group. Everyone was created individual, treat them as such.

(although I'm very open to the idea that convert guys are not the same as convert girls, all the convert guys I've met have excellent manners and etiquette)

Seriously, do yourself a favor and forget all those wack guys and start looking for that rare 2% that aren't like that.
I think that's her problem, she's finding it difficult

May Allah grant you righteous spouses ladies. Ameen.
Ameen
Logged

SalwaR

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102

Asalam waliykum

I have been away for a couple of weeks, its good to see lots of messages here :D

I agree with that, beautyis in the eye of the beholder. It really is true, and can honestly say if i have found a brother attractive i know, for example, my parents/freinds will disagree with me. Someone i fin attractive does not appear to be so to others. Its all about your preferences, and they vary from person to person. Being fair is not always an attractive trait.

I know a brother who is an imam who told me about marriage, and marriage to his wife. He is pakistani and his wife is Black somalian.... her skins is the darkest and she has african features. To many asians this is very very unattractive. Subhaallah his tastes is different and he found her to be very beautiful. even though his family and community disagreed.

The point is,, we shouldnt say we will not get married becuase of how we look. Allah created us how we are, and Allah created us as beautiful creatures. Allah did not create anyone ugly. It is only humans that label others in this way. Who are we to define bauty when Allah is the creator.
If one person i not attracted to you, there will be others who will be.
Logged
Pages: [1] 2 |   Go Up
 
 



Individual posts do not reflect the views of halfmydeen.org. All trademarks and copyrights are owned by their respective owners.
Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © halfmydeen.org