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Author Topic: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?  (Read 3271 times)

TGM

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I am a guy and I don't want to have children.  Most girls who are trying to get married want children.  People (Muslim or non-Muslim) who do not want children generally have a much harder time of finding a suitable partner than the general population, and as a Muslim guy, it's even harder.  Is there any hope for me in finding someone?  I have yet to come across a Muslim girl who is either indifferent on this issue (doesn't care whether or not she has children) or says she never wants to have children. 

Do you guys know of any Muslim couples who have chosen not to have kids? 

PLEASE, it's important that I ask people not to try to change my mind on this issue.  Why I don't want children is irrelevant.

I may post this question in the Ask A Sister section as well. 
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jannah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #1 on: Mar. 14, 2011, 09:17 PM »

Is there a reason you don't want children? That's probably important. Like do you have a genetic disease or something? Or do you already have a number of children?

Maybe you should try to find a sister that has a number of children already. That could be a good solution. Or maybe a sister who is older than child bearing age.

ws
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TGM

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #2 on: Mar. 14, 2011, 09:28 PM »

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Is there a reason you don't want children?

I don't want them.  It's not that I can't have them.  I can have children.  I choose not to have children. 

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Like do you have a genetic disease or something? Or do you already have a number of children?

No to both questions. 

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Maybe you should try to find a sister that has a number of children already. That could be a good solution. Or maybe a sister who is older than child bearing age.

I don't want to raise children whether they are someone else's (wife's) or mine.  Older sister?  Age gap would be too big for my preference (assuming older sister means 40+).  I am in my 20s.   
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cinders

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #3 on: Mar. 14, 2011, 11:34 PM »

Salam all,
TGM I can see where you're coming from. You see IF I was to get married again, I don't want to bear children. However, my reasons are slightly different to yours. It's because I already have children. Girl & boy Alhamdulillah, so I'm ok as I am. I keep getting told that's there's guys out there who're willing NOT to have children, however I've yet to meet one.

Remember Allah created us in pairs. So if you are serious about not having children and you've considered it from angles, then I'm sure there's a sister out there for you who doesn't want kids or can't have them.
Have sabr. :-)
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jannah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #4 on: Mar. 15, 2011, 09:38 AM »

Quote
Is there a reason you don't want children?

I don't want them.  It's not that I can't have them.  I can have children.  I choose not to have children. 

I don't want to raise children whether they are someone else's (wife's) or mine.  Older sister?  Age gap would be too big for my preference (assuming older sister means 40+).  I am in my 20s.   

Ok but why... what's your reasoning? You don't want to have children because you want to have a certain lifestyle? You think there are enough children in the world...? You had a bad experience? You are scared? You have issues? Like why?

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anothertry38

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #5 on: Mar. 16, 2011, 12:07 AM »

Jannah, it might be a personal issue that might be hard for him to discuss online. I have a very close friend who got married only to realize her husband was unable to have marital relations due to a disorder he had. He did not disclose this before marriage, and only a few months into the marriage she asked for a divorce. She wanted to have a "regular" marriage and she wanted kids, even though he told her he could have them invitro. She did not find that to be an option for her. He did not know what to do as there was no way he could have told her this issue before marriage. He hoped she would love him enough after marrying him to forgo his faults. I am not saying that is what TGM situation is, but I am just giving an example....

TGM....thank you for being honest from the start. Whatever your reasons maybe, at least your not cheating some poor sister. Try to ask an Imam. Very rarely will you find a sister who does not want children, but there are sisters who can't have children. Some have even had hysterectomies (I hope I spelled that correctly) and therefore this will not be an issue for them. Please realize that since you are in your 20s, things in the future might change, and you yourself might change. You might want children 15 or 20 years from now assuming that you can have them. Just be fair to the sister when this happens inshAllah. I have a feeling you will be because you were honest from the start. May Allah help you with your search.

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jannah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #6 on: Mar. 16, 2011, 12:58 AM »

salam,

well, we're pretty anonymous here. and none of us are the other party...but if you don't feel comfortable telling us the reason no worries. i just thought the reason could give us an idea of what was going on and then we could give you ideas about the type of women you should look for to ask in marriage.

btw just as an aside i knew a sister who was approached by someone with the same thing, he did not want to have kids period. but he refused to tell her the reason why. not a good idea. that just signals 'psycho' to sisters, no offense. if he'd given her an answer that was reasonable, they could discuss whatever and she could really decide, but not giving her anything was just weird.

as for the examples given and the person not telling their spouse they can't have kids, i believe islamically that's grounds for divorce so one should be careful. it's also a huge betrayal after the fact. really, like how does one not tell their spouse?? and then expect them to just love them enough to accept it after the fact. it's different if u didn't know before hand but if u did, that's just russian roulette right there ppls. emotional blackmail too and ugly and again not very ethical islamically or otherwise.

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Al-Qamar

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #7 on: Mar. 16, 2011, 01:11 AM »

I think you've got some good advice here already, so I'll just echo what's already been said.

anothertry38 mentions that you're still young, and you may change your mind in the future... this is a very real possibility. I know when we're young we think we know everything, we've got everything mapped out... guess what... things change! Trust me, we've been there, got the t-shirt, and now we're the tour guides!

I also agree with jannah's point that, knowing the reason will help soften the blow a lot... just a blanket ultimatum without reason really will not get you very far, because your prospective spouse will always have that concern at the back of her mind. I'm not suggesting you need to share the reason with us, but I wouldn't hide it from prospects though.

Jannah... the way to get around that is the flip the situation back onto the prospect by asking "is there anything you can tell me about yourself which you think would cause me concern and perhaps change my mind about marrying you?"
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jannah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #8 on: Mar. 16, 2011, 06:48 AM »

Jannah... the way to get around that is the flip the situation back onto the prospect by asking "is there anything you can tell me about yourself which you think would cause me concern and perhaps change my mind about marrying you?"

Perhaps, but why should the prospect have to ask at all?

There's an unspoken trust when you marry someone that you've already told them the big things ie you were married before, you have a child, you can't have kids, you have a major illness, you're in major debt. Not volunteering this information is just wrong and the same as straight up lying.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #9 on: Mar. 16, 2011, 12:47 PM »

Yes, but you're confusing what should happen in theory in an ideal world, with what happens in reality in this one... and the situation is also not so black & white.

For example, reverts may have had relationships already, and they're not allowed to advertise that... but if asked directly, they're not allowed to lie either. So that's a case of you needing to ask the question. Unfortunately, it's the same for many Muslims too... some have had relationships outside of marriage before practising properly, and they know they're not supposed to advertise it.

The fact is, when you're considering marriage proposals, you're trying to sell yourself... why would you go on and on about any bad traits you have? Everyone has them, it's up to the suitor to ask in my opinion. If they don't ask, then what you think might be a big deal is probably nothing for them.
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Amatullah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #10 on: Mar. 17, 2011, 06:51 AM »

It is completely reasonable to marry with the expectation of having physical relations and of having children, if the age range is appropriate for it.  These things are a right Allah (SWT) gives us in a marriage and someone not telling the other person before the marriage seems dishonest.  We should not have to ask our partner it is going to be a normal marriage.  We should be told if there is a reason that it won't be.  Many people get married at least in part because celibacy can be pretty awful at times.  I would feel very cheated and betrayed if that choice were taken away from me. 

I was wondering, is it haraam to not have children in a marriage if both people can??  I have met women who didn't really want children, but from what I have read in the Qur'an, even the use of birth control can be haraam unless there are good reasons for it.  I am not being judgmental in my question.  I wasn't sure I wanted children, but three very reliable methods of birth control failed and I figured it was meant to be. :)
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #11 on: Mar. 17, 2011, 11:03 AM »

I was wondering, is it haraam to not have children in a marriage if both people can??  I have met women who didn't really want children, but from what I have read in the Qur'an, even the use of birth control can be haraam unless there are good reasons for it.  I am not being judgmental in my question.  I wasn't sure I wanted children, but three very reliable methods of birth control failed and I figured it was meant to be. :)
Salaam, that's a good question. Firstly, we need to make a distinction between 'haraam' (which means sinful, i.e. you gain sin for it), and mukrooh (which means the activity is disliked, it's better you avoid it, but you're not sinful for it).

From my understanding (and I am only a student, not a sheikh by any means), it's mukrooh because:
1) The Prophet (saw) commanded men to marry the fertile and the loving, because he will compete with the number of our children (i.e. the size of his ummah) on the Last Day. This shows that having children is recommended and encouraged in Islam, but doesn't give an indication that it's sinful to avoid.
2) The Prophet (saw) commanded men not to withdraw from their wives before climax, because it robs her of her satisfaction too. When questioned as to whether this can be used as a method of birth control, he said that no-one can prevent the decree of Allah from occuring (i.e. if you're meant to have kids, you can't prevent that, and vice-versa). This again shows that the matter of children isn't in your hands, but there's no clear indication that it's forbidden/sinful to prevent yourself from having any.

Because both of these proofs (and I'm sure there are many more) indicate it's better to have children, scholars lean towards this idea that couples should aim to have children. This is also one of the purposes of marriage, and is part of the point of life. Why does marriage make up half of our deen? Because it leads to other things, such as children (i.e. raising them, supporting them, teaching them, etc). By denying this, you're denying a huge part of your purpose.

Scholars also lean away from using birth-control because of the hadith I mentioned in (2) because they take it as an evidence against birth-control, whereas I lean towards the other opinion (as do some scholars) that it's actually an evidence to be fair to the wife whilst engaged in the act of intimacy... men can be quite selfish in this regard, and critical readings of other hadith highlight the advice of the Prophet (saw) in this manner too. It's just hard to recognise because the Prophet (saw) was sublime in the way he explained things.

In short though, I'm not aware of any proof that shows it's sinful to not have children. There may be proof, but nothing springs to mind in everything I've come across as yet.

And of course, Allah (swt) knows best
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Amatullah

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #12 on: Mar. 18, 2011, 10:02 AM »

Shukran brother Al-Qamar.
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riteshnarula

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Re: Is there any hope for someone who does NOT want children?
« Reply #13 on: Sep. 05, 2011, 07:25 AM »

Are you crazy man why you don't want children every married couple want children after marriage but you are strange change your thing dear.
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