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Author Topic: Muslim directory..... what on earth???  (Read 1998 times)

SalwaR

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Muslim directory..... what on earth???
« on: May. 18, 2011, 01:12 PM »

Choosing a spouse

Choosing a marriage partner is perhaps the most serious decision you will ever make in your life. This decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly seeking guidance from Allah.

The most important characteristics that one should look for in a spouse should be based on similarity.

1-Similarity in Religion & Good Character and Behaviour:
The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser."

And he said as well "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil."

Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety.

2- Educational background:
It is recommended to marry someone who has a similar level of education. In this way couples are more likely to have agreements and less likely to have disputes.

3- Cultural and family background:
This includes closeness in parent's background and life-style.

4- Age:
There is no specific rule for this matter; however, it is recommended that man’s age exceeds the woman’s age.

5- Materialistic level:
It is preferable that closeness in materialistic conditions should exist between the two families, as a difference in this condition might cause a tension between them.

In addition to what was mentioned above beauty is a characteristic that has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses attracted to each other.

Both the bride and groom should be pleased with one another, and not forced into marriage, because the Prophet (s.a.w) said: No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e., she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent). They asked, O Messenger of Allah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy). He said: By her silence. (Reported by al-Bukhaari)












When reading the above i was pretty shocked at what i had seen. They have made the criteria a list, for choosing a spouce, only one of which comes from the prophet SAW. The rest are obviously put togther by a muslim who is very cultural. I can not believe they would include these points.... when they are personal, cultural and not based on islamic values what so ever.
I am very dissapointed with The muslim directoy....
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Muslim directory..... what on earth???
« Reply #1 on: May. 19, 2011, 05:58 PM »

The list isn't a set of criteria, but more guidelines and recommendations. I don't see anything wrong with it myself (although I do disagree with some). At the end of the day, we're in an age now where it's difficult to get married, and the stigma of divorce sticks. At the time of the Prophet (saw) it was easy to remarry, even if you had children, etc. Nowadays it's so difficult that a lot of focus is spent on trying to make sure the marriage works and lasts in the first instance, hence guidelines, etc, have been developed from experience.
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SalwaR

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Re: Muslim directory..... what on earth???
« Reply #2 on: May. 20, 2011, 10:28 PM »

I disagree brother,

I know pleanty of muslim couples who have been succesful and they are from different ethnicities, different socio-economic backgrounds. Becuase they followed the Prophet SAW guidelines. These "reccomendatios" are fot those who are not particulary interested in the criteria set by the Prophet SAW.

I'll give you an example i know a couple one is Brazilian, the other Pakistani, married for 30years have three children who are married, one still single the youngest. They do Dawah andfollow the deen better then many other "Same ethnic" marriages.

I know many like this and i can give pleanty of examples. On the other hand i know many same ethnic "Muslim" marriages, who are divourced. Same thnicity, same socio-economic background, family statues etc. But marriage failed. race and ethnicity does not mean your marriage will be "More" succesful, and i know this from seeing others.

These criteria are set for those parents and those of a particular background who's culture stresses that they have to marry from back home, the same tribe etc. Namely the Asian culture. One bengali family in our community has given one option for thier children, marry only from back home, same tribe, same district. Khalas, and thats Islam?.... and these guidelines sound similar, i think they wrote them to encourage the youth not to rebel against thier families wishes and thier culture.
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Al-Qamar

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Re: Muslim directory..... what on earth???
« Reply #3 on: May. 21, 2011, 12:26 AM »

Ukhti, you can't use specific instances to disprove a general rule. Many sheikhs and Islamic clerics deal with marital problems for 100's of couples, and every one I've spoken to has agreed with a basic set of criteria, similar to what you've already mention.

You can trust the small sample set you know yourself. I trust the opinions of the sheikhs that deal with the community at large.

And the Prophet's (saw) guidelines are not complete as you'd like to think they are. They're a starting point, a minimum if you like. There are other factors to consider. I think you're a little too young to appreciate this just yet though.

That said, taking matters to an extreme is against Islam (i.e. marrying from the same village, etc). Having similar social, economic, education, etc, background is fine. It still leaves a decent size sample set and there's  reason for the restriction. When you narrow it down to a narrow specific, you're intentions change and that's where the foul comes.
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