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Author Topic: Sisters, Marry Down!  (Read 3309 times)

halfmydeen

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Sisters, Marry Down!
« on: Oct. 20, 2011, 07:32 AM »

Sisters, agree or disagree, food for thought?

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Sisters, Marry Down!
by Raidah Shah Idil
Source: MuslimVillage.com


For all the educated Muslim women out there who are still single, let me introduce a (not-so) revolutionary idea: Marry down.

That’s right, you heard me. Marry down. You know your ideal husband? That tall, dark and handsome university-educated professional who is also an ‘alim with a fully-furnished house, expensive car, and who, by the way, makes awesome cheesecake?

He doesn’t exist. (Well, if he does, he’s probably married. To one of your friends. And I don’t encourage polygny.)

So if you’re planning to marry within this lifetime, here are a few suggestions:

Ditch the degree


In an already shrinking pool of good men, don’t shoot yourself in the foot by insisting on a university graduate. Why narrow the field? Being university-educated doesn’t automatically make anyone a better person. And being a graduate doesn’t mean he’ll be financially stable. A tradie probably earns more money than the average graduate. Costs of living are quite high, so think about what kind of lifestyle you want. On that point, if you want a lot more than your prospective husband can give, are you willing to work and contribute?

Marry a younger man


By the time you’re 30, men your age or older are either married, or divorced and still looking. And he’s probably looking for someone younger than you. Sad fact of life. So marry the younger guy! A real man is secure enough in his masculinity to not be threatened by an older woman. Look at the example of our Beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): he married his boss who was twice-widowed with children, and who had a lot more money than he did. Now that’s what I call a man.

Character, character, character


When the fireworks fizzle out, you’re left with someone a lot like yourself. Very human, and very flawed. What’s the one thing that’ll help both of you overlook each other’s not-so-charming’s habits? Good character. A patient husband will understand why you haven’t had a chance to cook dinner. A great-looking husband with an anger problem will not. You’ll never find the perfect guy, so be honest with yourself and embrace what really matters to you. If you want a good provider, then know that he’ll work a lot and won’t be home much. If quality time is important to you, then you won’t have as much disposable income because he’ll be at home – with you! If you insist on a stunningly handsome husband, then don’t be surprised if he get proposed to by other women. Welcome to the dunya. Neverending bliss awaits us in Jannah.

Not everybody’s an ‘alim


Not everybody will marry the scholar. There aren’t enough to go around! And that’s okay. It takes a special kind of woman to be fine with young women flocking to her husband about the latest fiqh question. And not everyone is cut out for that. Maybe all you need is a nice guy who’ll be kind to you, your family, and a good example for your children. He may not be the next deen star, but by the standards of Islam, a loving husband, respectful son-in-law and nurturing father is no small thing.

So there you have it! Marrying down doesn’t mean settling, but it means scaling down your expectations. Work with reality, and you’ll have a better chance of success. And always remember the key point – through the help of Allah Most High, nothing is impossible.
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wonderful1980

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #1 on: Nov. 07, 2011, 02:17 AM »

I agree with you with most of the point ,,, am a Dr and never thought to marry Dr coz am not demanding so i can b with any guy as long as he followes real Islam not culture coz i have seen many educated men who have closed mind and treat their wives very bad like slaves and i have seen many who they dont have high degree and they are really good to their husbands and not all relgious men are awesome or real i have seen many who just pretend that they r relgious just for their own advantage but if you see their real heart its not clean ,, so out look is not everything the heart is the most important ,,, there r many handsome guys but they have bad heart and remember when you look for handsome guy without looking to the heart know that by time beauty will fade but heart will never change so look for the heart before you look for the beauty and a guy who is only looking for a girl coz she is beautiful and never cared about her heart know that one day when you get old he will look to another young beautiful girl coz youe beauty will never last 4ever ,,,,, but am not sure about the age coz i cant marry younger guy and i know the prophet was the best example BUT DO YOU THINK THERE R GUYS WHO REALLY FOLLOW HIM ???????????/ i cant risk my life with that ,, so i dont agree about the age although i believe that age is just number and the youth in the heart but sadly ,,, many men doesnt belived in that and after sometime they will look to a young beautiful lady ,,,,,,  that was my openion ,, thank you
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Shah

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #2 on: Dec. 03, 2011, 08:55 AM »

How bout marrying the poor folk like us?
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cinders

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #3 on: Dec. 03, 2011, 10:34 AM »

Assalamu Alaiykum,

How bout marrying the poor folk like us?

Poor folk are fine as long as you know the realities in life. Women look for security in their marriage as the man has to provide for her & the potential future children. It's more what the man has to offer in other ways, maybe spiritually, in charitable terms such as helping out at events or at local Masjid. Not all women are shallow with regard to monetary terms. I know lots of sisters who have married husbands which do not earn as much money as them, as the Brother in question is affiliated or works for a Masjid or charity and earn with very little in terms of income due to their employers being masjids or a charity.

Sometimes, it's the sister's family who put the pressure on for their future son in law rather than the actual sister herself.

Cinders
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stranger

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #4 on: Mar. 04, 2012, 10:20 PM »

Ditching the degree is only ok if the guy proposing is totally worth giving up the education for.  Otherwise you're goin to be single, out of a job, dependent on your father till he dies and then what...?  Even your husband could pass away before you, leaving you a bit vulnerable.   And realistically, plenty guys want a girl with a degree, because they want a second income, so that the woman spends her own money on stuff rather than poking into his wallet.

I wouldn't want to marry an alim anyway, they're not that great to marry.

I'm surprised you don't encourage polygyny btw. :)
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BrotherIslam87

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #5 on: Mar. 05, 2012, 12:10 AM »

I feel sisters are tooooo demanding. sisters want an alim+ high salary professional +  great looks ....when they themselves are not worth it.
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stranger

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #6 on: Mar. 05, 2012, 05:16 AM »

Like I said, totally not into alims.  Same generalization can be made for men: they want beautiful women, who will be great cooks, n take care of the guys parents.  Add a few kids plus a job on the side as well.  High expectations are on both sides.
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jannah

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #7 on: Mar. 05, 2012, 05:22 AM »

I have to agree with you both! I think that is one of the biggest issues we have in the Muslim Community. Expectations are extremely high, not just with the guy or girl, but with the families and the Muslim Community as a whole. Second marriages, divorce, marrying someone who is not "perfect" in a lot of ways is still looked down upon. This just adds to all the pressure in looking for someone unfortunately :(
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A_Khn

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #8 on: Mar. 16, 2012, 06:54 AM »

What about if the guy has everything one is looking for but is 15-20 years older and old school in the thought process. Will such a relationship work?...

The above is noting his below average looks(which is perfectly fine), earning less than the female counterpart (which is also not a problem at all).
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jannah

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #9 on: Apr. 02, 2012, 06:45 PM »

What about if the guy has everything one is looking for but is 15-20 years older and old school in the thought process. Will such a relationship work?...

The above is noting his below average looks(which is perfectly fine), earning less than the female counterpart (which is also not a problem at all).

I think every person is different. If you are fine with someone that much older and with his thought process it's up to you. But it should be something carefully thought about, and do istikharah too of course!!
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A_Khn

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Re: Sisters, Marry Down!
« Reply #10 on: May. 22, 2012, 06:45 PM »

Thanks! dont think that well too well!

Being poor. I dont understand what poor means here. Homeless man with no money for food is poor. Rest all is ok - as long as they are educated, well-mannered and good at heart! I dont see a problem, if girl is earning and is OK supporting the household till the male counterpart catches up.

How did marriage become about rich/poor. And now its being generalised. Sigh. Inshallah khair.
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