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halfmydeen

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Choosing the Desired Wife
« on: Dec. 21, 2008, 08:18 AM »


Choosing the Desired Wife


By Ibrahim Abu Khalid

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and companions.

When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience.

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..."

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.

As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

WHO TO MARRY

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery.

True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway. In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.

QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN

Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman.

The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.

"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]

"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard"[s.4;v.34]

"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast..."[s.66;v.5].

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:

-a Muslim woman

-a believing woman

-a devout woman

-a true woman

-a woman who is patient and constant

-a woman who humbles herself

-a woman who gives charity

-a woman who fasts and denies herself

-a woman who guards her chastity

-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise.

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].

The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."

Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either.

KNOWING WHO SHE IS

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that firstone relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends".

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones.

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want ather, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.

TRUST IN ALLAH

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.

Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.

Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.

It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".

Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.

When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].

I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].

May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.
"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].
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Jeremy

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #1 on: Dec. 21, 2008, 09:52 PM »

I have to disagree a little with the article by Br. Ibrahim. I think that he looked only at one side of the issue, and ignored the other side completely. It is true that marrying a pious woman is very important for the sustenance of a relationship and to please Allah (SWT) by having a partner who will help us live by His teachings. But the other part of the story is that marriage is also meant to satisfy an internal worldly desire that is programmed inside human beings. Piety by itself cannot satisfy this feeling.
Br. Ibrahim mentioned a Hadith, but failed to elaborate on it. The prophet (SAAW) said "the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen...". I believe that observing this issue is very important. Our internal feelings are part of who we are, and they have the ability to drag us one way or another. We cannot live all our lives trying to fight this feeling, this will essentially ruin the first reason we were created as couples, to achieve serenity and inner peace, as Allah (SWT) said in the Quran.
Piety is definitely part of what can bring Muslims together, but it's not everything, and ignoring those feelings will mean ignoring that which makes us humans.
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jannah

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #2 on: Dec. 26, 2008, 06:42 AM »

I think the article is very important. Unfortunately in this day and age brothers have these ridiculous expectations on the looks of their partner. They want someone with all these perfect qualities...ie light skinned, tall, blonde, blue eyes... etc etc whatever. I wish they would talk to married men so they could understand how much looks really stands in the priority of things. Yes you should be attracted to your wife, but the vast majority of women ARE attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, sometimes a sister who outwardly isn't perfectly attractive might be more so once you get to know them. Also for Muslims the hijab plays a very difficult role here because sisters wear it despite knowing it makes them look less attractive.

I mean once you're married you'll get used to the looks of your wife. You'll see her when she first wakes up, when she looks horrible, when she's fat, giving birth. That's the reality.

I see brothers in my community only looking at the outward. There's always that one girl who 'looks to be really cute' but honestly they are blinded or something because all the girls know her REAL personality. Also, we know so many brothers who have married these "outwardly pretty women" who are really horribly clingy, ditzy, mean wives and there are so many good-decent sisters who are left on the shelf.
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brisingr9

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #3 on: Feb. 27, 2009, 02:38 AM »

article was to good. I totally agree. May Allah guide all believing sisters to such qualities. I hope and pray that I get one sister like that, ameen.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #4 on: Mar. 06, 2009, 01:34 PM »

I think this article was great, where are the men who ask for those things??
at the end of the day beauty fade, and we change physically so men who are hung up on looks need to read this article and change thier priorities.

My mother asked me the other day weather anyoen had asked for my hand at university, i laughed at her and said no, becuase i dress plainly in abaya and hijab, i dont wear make up. i dont take males as friends, i dont take brothers numbers and email adds and chat with them online i uphold my self respect, but no man appreciates that to them i appear wierd, im not the normal hijabi girl who giigles smiles and bats her eye lids. i find it extremely rude when men ask for personal details without consulting my brother or father. and becuase i dont look liek iv just stepped out of the salon with a full face of makeup no muslim brother is interested in me. that is why i laughed when my mother asked, how can i get married when my priorites of religion, deen and personality is opposite to what brothers want, looks, chatty, flirty girls.

That is why in a sense this article is good but also its a dream and soemthing hard to find in men. :(
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reeldeel

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #5 on: Apr. 25, 2009, 01:09 AM »

i dress plainly in abaya and hijab, i dont wear make up. i dont take males as friends, i dont take brothers numbers and email adds and chat with them online i uphold my self respect, but no man appreciates that to them i appear wierd, im not the normal hijabi girl who giigles smiles and bats her eye lids. i find it extremely rude when men ask for personal details without consulting my brother or father. and becuase i dont look liek iv just stepped out of the salon with a full face of makeup no muslim brother is interested in me.

This may have been covered in another post but i'll reiterate anyway. It's not necessary due to a lack of interest from the brother but rather more to do with a brother not knowing how to go about approaching a sister like that for marriage.

I have seen sisters like that and thought of speaking with there fathers... but then I thought shouldn't I ask her permission first before speaking with her father.... or shouldn't I speak with her first and get to know her before speaking with her father.... It gets more complicated as fathers dont want to let there daughters go to someone who wont be able to provide the best for there daughters. So the fact that am still a student means I cant budge the dad with out the daughters help.

In most cases fathers dont want to let there daughters go yet. Women are marrying at an older age waiting until they finish medicine or law school or masters and PhDs... Me being 25, the age range am looking for would still be studying so there parents wont let them get married yet... So the only answer I guess is to wait until am 28-30 by that time the 23-26 yr old sisters parents are getting worried about there daughter not finding a husband and are more willing to let go. 
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Muslimah21

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #6 on: Apr. 25, 2009, 01:17 PM »

Well yeah that is very true, my parents already told me i cant get married until i finish unversity... but i am allowed to meet a person, and get to know them.. as this will take time. So there is nothign wrong with me getting to know a person and wait until i graduate to get married to them.
Its just that my parents do not want me to get married while at university and get caught up in marriage and forget my studies and even give up my studies.

Why are you not interested in an older woman or a woman your own age? and most uni courses are only 3 years. So if they start at 18 they graduate by the age of 21. Or is one of your criteria she needs to be a doctor, dentist, lawyer... which are 5-7 year degrees.
Most sisters i know are graduated and working by the age of 22 and looking for marriage. So there are pleanty of young sisters at that age that are around, just depends if you are fussy on her degree choice.?
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reeldeel

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #7 on: Apr. 26, 2009, 07:58 PM »

Ideal for your would probably be to marry someone and continue studying at the same time. I've got an aunt who's husband put her through bachelors and masters in-case anything happens to him she's well prepared to get a job and provide for the kids.

Not looking for someone older because I feel she may not listen as well as someone younger, then there is the whole knowing she's older and wiser while if I was 5 years older than her then at lease I can feel we are equally wise.

I've been thinking of the pros and cons of marrying a career or educated woman or not. I've got friends, well most of them got wives that only take care of the kids and home, no career other than that. Though a double income and the financial security sounds nice, I feel it results in neglected children raised by the TV and babysitters. A recent article by BBC also said divorce rate is higher when both are working. I personally dont want to begging for my wifes time as she's busy on Call (doctor) or preparing for court case. The same time I dont want to be the one that blocks her career dreams and goals. Dunno

Are sisters easily willing and happy to drop their careers at husbands request? or is he being selfish asking her to watch over the kids full time.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #8 on: Apr. 26, 2009, 09:33 PM »

Yeah i see what you mean. But there are women and sisters who do normal jobs you know. Like nurses, or teachers, or office work. 9-5 work. and there re part time options... is your only option a doctor??

Well for me, i love my career path and i would give it up for my family wallah i would. I dont plan on working my whole life anyway. Liek you said i dotn want my kids to grow up on TV that only shows sex, and more sex and babysitters who wont teach my kids anything. So i do plan on going part time when i have my kids inshallah. and stay part time until they have all grown up. But then again i hope to have a big family. I love children and i love big families. I was the only girl in mine.. and i have two older brothers, so its been wuiet lonely for me and i always wanted mroe brothers and sisters.

If my husband can offord me to take a few years out of work. liek a career break then i would love to do that too just to be at home with the kids. But if we cant offord it then i will go part time.
But all i know is that i want to raise my kids myself, well with my husband but i want to be there when they get home and weekends etc etc. Alhamdulilah Radiography is very fleaxble for women who want to have families.

That sooo agest lol. What about a girl your age. are you being serious that one year makes a difference, your 25 so if she is 26 or 27 its the end of the world?? there may come a point in your life where you cant be that fussy.

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reeldeel

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #9 on: Apr. 30, 2009, 07:14 AM »

If my husband can offord me to take a few years out of work. liek a career break then i would love to do that too just to be at home with the kids. But if we cant offord it then i will go part time.

That sooo agest lol. What about a girl your age. are you being serious that one year makes a difference, your 25 so if she is 26 or 27 its the end of the world?? there may come a point in your life where you cant be that fussy.

It seems like you are already thinking of finding a husband that cant afford. Its husband responsibility to provide for you and kids. You shouldnt have to work to support anyone. But if you do I think its Zakat.

Not being agest... just thinking 50-60 years in the future. You know when you see two really old couples, its usually the man whose too old to walk, being pushed in a wheelchair by his wife who's still able to take care of him.  Thats cuz he was wise, thought about the future and found a woman much younger than him. Someone older than me just doesnt seem comfortable.
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layla79

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #10 on: Apr. 30, 2009, 10:50 AM »


I've been thinking of the pros and cons of marrying a career or educated woman or not. I've got friends, well most of them got wives that only take care of the kids and home, no career other than that. Though a double income and the financial security sounds nice, I feel it results in neglected children raised by the TV and babysitters. A recent article by BBC also said divorce rate is higher when both are working. I personally dont want to begging for my wifes time as she's busy on Call (doctor) or preparing for court case. The same time I dont want to be the one that blocks her career dreams and goals. Dunno

Are sisters easily willing and happy to drop their careers at husbands request? or is he being selfish asking her to watch over the kids full time.

You have a point..  but I believe it really depends on instances...

as for me, i believe that I should be looking for someone who is career-financially stable enough to support the family, then if he ask or prefer(maybe the better word) me not to work and just stay with the kids... then i have to follow as I believe that a family man will always wants and decides the best for his wife and kids. And so I would be very happy to obey him.

InshaAllah


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Muslimah21

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #11 on: Apr. 30, 2009, 12:04 PM »

No im not, but i am beign realsitic. What man do you know who can afford to have a wife at home, with lots of kids in a nice house. and provide for them in this day and age, living costs have gone up, everythign is expensive. You have to be realstic and i am. otherwise i will be waiting all my life for a rich muslim man to coem along. And we know there are nto many of them and the ones there are, they dotn practice islam properly... so to choose between a man who is pious works hard but doesnt earn a lot or a man with money and can afford to ahev his wife stay at home, but his relgion is not good... in terms he doesnt practice what would i pick. Of course the first one. If i meet a brother who is a devout muslims, Sincere and kind but earns not much money but works hard then khalas i would rather havea  partner for life and a partner for the next life then one who loves the dounia.

I liekk my career path, i dont mind workign its rewarding, and i knwo soemthign rewarded by allah. I help people who are very sick i help alot of people. When people come into hospital after a trauma accident its me they coem to for X rays to see hwat is wrogn with them inside, i help to diagnose thier pathology thier illness, And if i do my job correctly i can even save lives. So alhamdulilah i already knwo my work is soemthign good for man kind and for the ummah. I help people, the best job in the world for a muslim to help your fellow muslims. But Also when i have children i want to be there for them, i want them to learn all sorts from me, so i would go part time. i dotn have a problem with working.... espeically as my work is not haram like some other people. Its encouraged in islam to care for people.
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reeldeel

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #12 on: May. 01, 2009, 10:48 PM »

What man do you know who can afford to have a wife at home, with lots of kids in a nice house. and provide for them in this day and age
There are actually a lot more single then double  income houses in the Muslim community. Its rare to find a Muslim family with the wife also working. Probably due to culture or beliefs that Islam prohibits women from working. Look around your community am sure you'll notice this.

You have to be realstic and i am. otherwise i will be waiting all my life for a rich muslim man to coem along. And we know there are nto many of them and the ones there are, they dotn practice islam properly...
You might be right about the scarcity of wealthy practising Muslims. I've been looking for examples myself. The money was either gained from haram or leads to haram, the more you got the more you want the more responsibility towards Allah and the more temptation from shaytan... in any case, money does seem to corrupt. I think the best thing for you to do is find a brother with earning potential and then help in guidance when the money comes. Or you can just take the safe route and live a simple life.
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Muslimah21

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Re: Choosing the Desired Wife
« Reply #13 on: May. 02, 2009, 04:23 PM »

Salam
Well yeah i have looked aroudn my community all the women work... or worked until they had thier kids and thier husbands work themselves onto the grave for them to be able to live at home, go shopping... be ladies of leasuire, go on holidays every year. But most of the women in my generation who are married and have kids work. they have good jobs and the money they earn some  is kept for themselves as stated in sharia law, the money she earns is her own.

Who told you its forbiden for a woman to work? Actually women are allowed to work.. especially if they have to due to income problems, And when a woman works and contributes to her husband and family it is like Zakat, hasana on her. So she gets rewarded for it. It is not haram, it is permisable although it is not encouraged. But in this day and age it is not really optional to stay home. Allah allam, he knows our intentions.

Well yeah i look for a brother who works hard in his job, and earns his money the honest way. i woudlnt marry someoen who works with riba and haram things. That is not an option for me. But then again all the ones i know with money are nto relgious and let the money get to thier heads, They have pride like they created themselves, astagfirallah. they forgotten allah with money. :( SO i wouldnt og there either.
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