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Author Topic: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?  (Read 2474 times)

jannah

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Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« on: Jan. 28, 2012, 09:54 PM »

Someone was mentioning about marrying abroad so thought that I'd link to this article. Looks pretty darn scary if you ask me...  :'(

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Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?

With many cases of marriages between British Asians and spouses from South Asia ending up in divorce or separation. We look at the changes and attitudes in South Asia that are impacting such marital relationships.


Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?

    "I don't love her and we have completely different tastes"

Again and again we are seeing and hearing stories about marriage breakdown and divorce within the British Asian communities in the UK. One area where this is also becoming a growing trend is with marriages that take place where the spouse comes over from a South Asian country like India, Pakistan or Bangladesh.

At one time these were seen as ‘safe’ marriages by families who believed that a girl, especially, from the native countries would be much more willing to accept the ways of the husband and the family here and be prepared to live in an extended family and so on, versus girls from the UK who would not be so accommodating and would want independence. But this has began to change, especially, in countries like India, where the boom of the economy and changes to lifestyle has made the girls and women more savvy there too.

For many British Asian men this method of getting ‘a wife from back home’ is something they are happy doing after they have fulfilled whatever lifestyle choices in the UK first, for example, date women without the intention to marry and be faithful to their parents wish.

Many parents marry their son off especially to a girl from abroad to stop him ‘dating’ or continuing with a care-free lifestyle. Thinking that once he settles down he will take on the responsibility of a partner and a family. But this does not always work in practice, where for example, if the guy prefers non-Asian women, he may still proceed with such a marriage to fulfil his parents wish but still continue his affairs with women after marriage in an adulterous manner.

Also, there is the practice by greed driven families residing in the UK who get their sons married to brides from South Asia merely for a large dowry. Generally, these involve the just-married bride staying back with her parents in wait for the husband to come back at a later date. But the plan by the husband and his family in many cases, is to never go back, thus, forcing the family of the woman to involve the courts, which leads to lengthy legal battles.

At the same time, there are many cases of British Asian women marrying men from abroad because of their desire for a partner, especially, after divorce. In this case, men from aboard, especially, from India, are eager to come and settle in the UK, and therefore, are willing to accept marriage as the quick ‘route’ to moving country. However, there are many cases where these men stay for a while in the marriage and once they are permanent residents, they either divorce or just leave; which may be the plan from the onset.

Such plans are also being practiced by South Asian women from abroad too. In some situations there are complete mismatches, where the girl from abroad is either from a very wealthy background or highly educated is matched with a British Asian man and family who are not of the same ilk but the girl is willing to accept the marriage because she sees it as a way to move abroad and once in the UK, she can plan her life out.

Other examples include, where British Asian men are finding it hard to find a wife in the UK due to their lack of social skills, looks, family character or status; where someone in the family knows of relatives abroad who have a girl desperate to marry, they find someone on an Internet site with very little knowledge about her, or they fall for the girl from abroad who looks completely innocent and simple – but in reality has her own ambitions in life.

The latter is a trend which is becoming symbolic of the changes in attitude abroad.

    Some women marrying abroad, especially from India, are coming over to the UK after passing all the matrimonial tests and requirements without the intention to stay in the marriage. After some time they either divorce or leave their husband to live independently.

In some cases, the game plan executed includes them bringing over a ‘lover’ from back home, which is something sometimes already planned even before the marriage. Leaving the British Asian man and his family completely shocked and stumped.

Some of these kind of women and men from abroad learn a lot about the country before coming to the UK. Once here, they work things out and suss out how and what they need to do to ensure they follow up their actual reasons for marrying and coming to the UK. This also includes the practice of sham marriages and marriages of convenience too.

Stories of families being turned upside down by these kinds of marriages, theft of belongings, all the wedding gold being kept, property hijacking, adultery within the family, money transfers back home to the family, the spouses from abroad finding new partners here, and arrest and convictions of innocent partners are all aspects of this marital trend.

For many British Asian families there is a major problem on how to adapt to the change in South Asian lifestyle. Because most came from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh when those countries and the people there were very behind the West and were not developed, like today. Therefore, they came with a snapshot and lived by the cultural ways from that time onwards. Bringing up their families in the UK with the same kind of values whilst mixing in some British culture.

But today, especially in India, where the country had advanced dramatically, those ‘old’ ways are long forgotten, leaving people from the South Asian communities in the UK somewhat bewildered, confused and with a sense of non-belonging. This is impacting marriage from abroad too because no longer are the old traditional ways and values being followed by girls and boys abroad. They too are more ‘Westernised’ today due to the globalisation, buoyant economies and advent of technology.

Therefore, a family marrying their son to a girl from abroad for example, may not reap the rewards or benefits they thought they might when planning such a union, and the same applies for individuals. Of course, this does not mean that every marriage of this kind is a failure but the alarming rate of break-ups is something not difficult to ignore.

Marrying someone from abroad is more synonymous to an arranged marriage than a love marriage unless you know the person very well and have met them a number of times.

Using technology today does make it easier to communicate e.g. mobile phones, text, Facebook, chat etc. But this does not replace seeing a person for real on dates. Also, if it is a girl it is not always possible to communicate with the her abroad due to family restrictions or her reservation to avoid too much communication.

Cultural and status differences still play a role too. Just because the woman and man are of the same background but not country, it does not mean the marriage will automatically work. Lifestyle, social status and personal interests are not always the same.

Kamal Kaur who married a British Asian man says: “When in India life was free and more fun. Getting married and coming to the UK was like going back in time. People stay in all the time and their life revolves around work.”

The social life in the UK did not suit Kamal and says: “In India, the social life is a big part of life. We go out passionately in India. My husband was very boring, no fun and didn’t want to go out much. So, I decided I want my life back and left him.”

Raju Kullar married a girl from India and after 2 years of marriage the experience was not good. He says: “She always compares me to everyone else and how I am not as good a husband than everyone else she knows. Her style of romance is also very village style with rules of how to be together. I always feel uncomfortable near her and could never enjoy her company… it was always strange to be next to her..”

Raju adds: “I don’t love her and we have completely different tastes, our parents are sad as well because of our marriage not working well.”

So, is marrying abroad worth it nowadays? The answer to this obviously depends on individual preference, in many cases family choice and something perhaps seen as the only option for some people. But it is is extremely evident that caution and time should be given to such a major decision in your life and getting to know a person much more before rushing things could save you time, money and heartache; despite any family pressures or your desperation to be settled by a specific time.

Source: desiblitz.com/content/is-marrying-abroad-worth-it-anymore
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tanimtaher

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #1 on: Jan. 29, 2012, 07:23 AM »

Assalamualaikum,
I think this article is mainly talking about Hindu Britishers getting married in India. The one point which caught my attention was about "British men marrying in India to get the large dowry". This clearly means that the couple are from the Hindu faith; I don't have anything against Hindus, but my point is alhamdulillah this article is not relevant for British Muslims.
I was visiting India last year for a few days. Indian culture has become very fast paced. The guys and girls (again Hindus) are very smart, fast-paced, stylish, and soooo many of them have girlfriends and boyfriends. So I'm guessing all the instances which the article talks about the girl from India planning to bring lover from back India and ditch her husband; or the guy from India planning to bring his Indian girlfriend and ditch his British wife refers to Hindus.
I know soo many Indian Muslims, and mashallah, among South Asian Muslims, they are the best in character and manners and they are the most conservative among the Desis.
So I wouldn't worry about British Muslim men and women who choose to marry in India to face even 5% of the risks mentioned in this article which mainly refers to British and Indian Hindus. To reiterate, I have nothing against Hindus and I love them as fellow human beings. All I'm saying is we don't have to worry about our Muslims Britishers and Indians. Allahu alam.
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jannah

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #2 on: Jan. 30, 2012, 04:39 AM »

wsalam,

mashaallah bro ur very trusting. all the issues mentioned actually happen among muslims, including dowries (jahaiz from wife's family to husband) and bfs gfs before marriage. unfortunately that's the reality among ppl (even muslims) right now. :( :(
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BrotherIslam87

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #3 on: Feb. 04, 2012, 01:04 AM »

@Jannah & @ tainmtaher  I am from India....some muslim back in India are religious but many are not that religious...especially among educated girls wearing hijab is something abnormal...very few educated muslims observe hijab . As far as bf/gf is also common among muslims in India but then it depends upon that particular individual. Unfortunately Dowry is very common among muslims in India but not to the extent hindus practice it. Muslim in India usually don't ask for dowry but expect the girl to give and deliberately  look out for girls from a rich family!!!!!

But I have never heard muslim girls from India coming to UK and getting a divorce later on in order to sort out their lives on their own. Right now I am tired of searching in UK..so currently searching extensively in India &  expatriates located in the middle east through mainly matrimonial sites(shaadi, bharatmatrimony)...... I don't feel muslims in India (men/ women) will marry only to come to UK/US.

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A_Khn

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #4 on: Feb. 15, 2012, 06:22 PM »

Salaam

This article doesnt paint a happy picture. It is overly focussed on the negatives, therefore lacking in portraying a balanced view. What its doing is describing a few immoral ways observed by Some lower middle class south asian families desperately looking to move to UK. Reminds me of hindi tv series my maid back in Kashmir used to watch.
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tanimtaher

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #5 on: Feb. 15, 2012, 09:40 PM »

Walaikumassalam,
Yes sister A_Khn, you are right. This article is utterly negative. And it just scares people. No wonder why soo many Muslims in their late 20s and even 30s who aren't married, are scared to seek such avenues which might finally get them married. So people continue to wait and wait for Mr or Ms right to come; which probably will never happen unless we lower our expectations to "REALISTIC" levels. And the people who are tired of waiting, and finally want to get married by seeking for a spouse overseas, they are discouraged to do so by fear mongering articles like this... articles which like all things negative, tend to get more publicity than the positive stories of so many people who got married abroad and are doing fine and are so happy. I know some couples like this, and they are happy alhamdilillah.
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A_Khn

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Re: Is Marrying Abroad worth it anymore?
« Reply #6 on: Feb. 16, 2012, 03:46 PM »

Salaam tanimtaher,

Totally agree with the point you are making.

I have plenty of examples in my family where cousins raised in US, Middle east or Uk have been married to men/women from kashmir who moved for them and are happily married, hamdolillah.   
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