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Author Topic: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea  (Read 6042 times)

21muslimah

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Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« on: Jan. 17, 2009, 08:41 PM »

salaam walikum brothers and sisters


i am just about to turn 22, at university and i really want to get married. i have been ready for a few years now and in that time i did alot of thinking about what i want and it changed alot but i read many books and went to many lectures. reading the hadiths and quran only reassured me that i am ready for marriage and i am fully aware of demands of marriage and my rights as a wife.
so i approached my parents in the summer and sat down and had a chat, i can say it didnt go as i had planned. my father thought i was joing and my mother got upset. and they both concluded not until i finish university have a place to live and a job. i was like i will be old by then!! and they said i should focus on university. but alhamdulilah im doing well at university. and gettign good marks in papers.
although i didnt show how upset i was infront of them and i accepted what they said and ended the conversation, but i am really upset about it. i didnt expect that from them and i thought they would be happy i have come to them asking for help and telling them my intention. now i don't know what to do :S

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get them on board????
helppp!

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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #1 on: Jan. 19, 2009, 05:01 AM »

wsalam,

where do you live sister? are you the first one in your family getting married? it's strange that they are so opposed to the idea. i would suggest you try to get some family members to help you out, like your aunts/cousins etc someone they respect that could talk to them more. just keep talking to them. believe me you don't want to wait... all the good guys get married and then you will have a very very difficult time finding someone.

ws
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #2 on: Jan. 19, 2009, 09:44 PM »

no im the youngest my older older brother is single my brother who is 3 years older then me is engaged.
well i dont work on that policey... you mean all the shallow men take the young girls? well good becuase i dotn want to marry someone who is shallow and only cares about age. ill wait for a decent brother.
my family are not well conected so i wouldnt talk to any other relatives we are distant, becuase they dont practice islam anymore and we are the only memebers left who do. so there advice would be for me to get a boyfriend lol. so no i shall not ask them.

i am planning on talking to them after my exams  inshallah. i dont care about age, its how i feel im not worried about me running out of time. becuase if a man marries me for my age then he is not a man.. he is an idiot no argument about that. i want to get married for the proper reasons and for the reasons muslism should get married for.
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Jeremy

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #3 on: Jan. 21, 2009, 03:28 AM »

I think I can see where your parents are coming from, parents usually can see further ahead than the children, and always think about "what if...". There is always the possibility that things will not go well in a marriage, in that case they want you to be able to continue a respectable life by having a career path for yourself.
I assume that the reason you want to get married so bad is that you found the right person (lucky you  >:(), if that's the case then he will need to make the first step by having him (or his parents preferably) visit your parents and asking to marry you. The discussion of course will include timelines, and my suggestion is to get enganged at the time being, and postpone the marriage till after graduation. Time flies by quickly, and a year won't make any difference.
I know people who did that and everything ended up ok, I hope it works for you too.
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #4 on: Jan. 27, 2009, 04:55 PM »

No i didn't meet anyone i wish i had met someone. :(
i want to do things properly as in have my parents involved 100% so they have input too. so i want them to suggest people to me, or help me meet new familes to get to know etc etc. i dont want to come home one day and be liek mum dad here is your new son in law. so unislamic i want to do things islamically and correctly.
 
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #5 on: Jan. 28, 2009, 02:38 AM »

Hmmm... understand what your saying sister, but you know sometimes you may bump into someone, or meet a brother through a mutual friend or something, you wouldn't necessarily have to go out with him or anything, you could just get acquainted a little and get your folks permission to communicate with him in an Islamic manner of course. Sometimes it actually helps parents when you get the ball rolling, so they know ok , this is what kind of a person my daughter may be interested in etc, and so that just simplifies life for everyone, don't you reckon?
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MzCBox

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #6 on: Jan. 28, 2009, 02:39 AM »

oops sorry the above was me lol
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Jeremy

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #7 on: Jan. 28, 2009, 04:29 AM »

my views may be a little radical, but I don't see anything "unislamic" in knowing the person yourself before getting your parents involved. And as MzCBox mentioned, I am not suggesting in any way that you go out with the guy, just maybe someone who you know by regular interaction with people. Getting the parents 100% involved from the beginning however is more cultural more than Islamic (in my view), and if that's the way you prefer then that's totally your choice, but I think it will make things more difficult in your case.
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #8 on: Jan. 28, 2009, 08:27 PM »

yeah i get what your saying.

well in islamic times the man would go to the father first and ask permission then all meetings after that the daughter can meet the man but with brither or father.
i know its a little harder these days. yeah i thought coming to my university i could meet someone that way, through islamic meetings or in lectures. but the ones i have met are all ready hitched to a sister at university. and the other ones like to go out clubbing and date. and i dont want anything like that :(
i thought i could meet someone through people at university and in an educational environment, but it hasnt gone to plan, and so id hoped my parents would lend a hand. because when i go to work after i qualify there are no muslims who do my job. iv met one sister no bothers. so its not liek i can meet somone at work.
i refuse to use a marriage site they are haram in my view, well in any shiekhs view also.
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Jeremy

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #9 on: Jan. 28, 2009, 10:40 PM »

I agree, that's how they would get married during early Islmaic times, but the question comes, how did the man know this was the woman he wanted to marry in the first place? There must have been some sort of informal meeting by casual encounter, and that in my view is what's lacking in our Muslim communities, specially conservative families.
Of course, the alternative to that is parent involvement (or the auntie-network as Jannah called it in an earlier post), and I wouldn't advise to take this route unless all other ways are exhausted for two reaosn. First, my experience with it is not very positive. It's difficult for parents to know what you are looking for in a future husband. Second, it's even more limited and harder for women. That's because our culture isn't very forgiving when a woman is looking for a man. In our cultures, the man has to show interest first, and the woman either approves or disapproves, having it the other way around is a kind of taboo, something that would bring shame not only to the woman, but to her family as well. I know this is wrong and unislamic, but it's in our culture, and until we have the will to separate unislamic culture from Islam, we'll be sufferring the consequences.
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MzCBox

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #10 on: Jan. 29, 2009, 05:29 AM »

Sister Muslimah,

Mashallah you seem to be very strong in your beliefs and that's great!

The thing is that, how approachable are you making yourself to others? Think amongst your circle of friends and acquaintances, brothers / sisters at the uni or Islamic programs etc, some people may be afraid to approach you coz they see you may be very direct & a bit too strict, and so they will shy away from you and the sisters may not recommend you to other saying that you know so and so may be too hard for a person like you etc etc. Im not suggesting that you go around flirting or anything, but I dont see anything wrong in a smile & sometimes being a bit flexible in what you may believe as being ''correct, and only correct'', there are many Islamic opinions out there, its just which one you choose to follow, but all of them may still be valid.

As for marriage sites, I don't see anything unislamic in them, and I know of many sheikhs & religious scholars who not only recommend these but also use them themselves!! Nobody has to talk about anything ''Unislamic", its just a great way of meeting people and getting to know them!! It would be very similar to meeting a potential in real life, minus all the hassle lol
I would say give it a shot! Go for it! I mean if things are looking a bit dry on your side, then get started by any avenue!!! Its either that or you just wait around...
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #11 on: Jan. 29, 2009, 09:10 AM »

While ideally I think it would be great for her to meet someone first and bring him to her parents, but what if they freak out...and refuse to approve it will be romeo/juliet bollywood poor zara in the anonymous forum all over again. :(
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MzCBox

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #12 on: Jan. 30, 2009, 01:26 PM »

LOL anon!!

I reckon the folks should chill out, as long as the guy is a Muslim, not HIV Positive & not an Addict of any sort, what more can a parent ask for?? esp in this day and age!!
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Anonymous

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #13 on: Feb. 01, 2009, 11:12 PM »

salaams

thanks for all the replies but i know what i need from a husband, what i deserve and what i ahve to offer and what he should offer in return. like i said i am not naive immature girl. i have read sooo much and i am realistic about teh characteristics i want in a husband. all of which relate to islam and fearing allah.
sorry but Mxcobox that is not enough, i can safely say i deserve better then that. i devouted my time in islam and worship of allah, i need someone compatiple religiously not some healf hearted muslim. no thank you.
and like in zara case i dont want that, i want both famileis to know from day one, and know each other before proposals are made. as in familes spending time togther not haram and is actually reccomended. my brother and his fiance did it and it 100% works!

i wouldnt let my daughter marry some losser, in this day and age their are good people good muslim men, but they are hidden. becuase theya re the shy ones, they are not the arogant ones who make thier presnece known where ever they go, whish is all i see out in the world.
there are good men, becuase my mother married one, my brother is a good muslim man and so are many other memebers of my family. i knwo they exist in this day and age. and i refuse to compramise my religion for a man no argument about that.




we all know Romeo and Juliet was haraam, and if anythign they deserved all the trouble they faced. allah doesnt bless a relationship if it is not conducted properly... there is no such thing as true love out of marriage, shiytan palying with your feelings whispering into your ear. its lust, FACT, why are their sooo many divources among athiests, they fall "inlove" as boyfriend and girlfriend and get marrie dand find out what tehy relally married and fall out of love just the same, if not any quicker. its doomed from the start. allah doesnt bless it and its seen as adultry even in marriage.
Allah knows best and knows us better then we know our selves.
subhanallah
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hitmark

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Re: Why are my parents so dead set against the idea
« Reply #14 on: Aug. 05, 2010, 07:13 AM »

Your parents not only want to let you to complete your study but also want that you should first before marriage start earning. I think it is batter for you. At the minimum level you should first complete your study. You are now still 22. It is not so much old.
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