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Author Topic: why oh why???  (Read 4950 times)

Muslimah21

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why oh why???
« on: Jan. 18, 2009, 06:23 PM »

asalam walikum wa rhamatu allah wa barakatu.

why oh why is it that when brothers look for a sister they look for looks and see that as more important then deen or character and go against what the prophet SAW told us to do.
and why is it they prefer non hijabies to hijabies???
basically why are they so shallow and look for impossible??

jazakallh khier
thanks
:D

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Fraaz132

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #1 on: Jan. 20, 2009, 08:20 PM »

Salaam

I dunno wich kinda bros u bin bumpin into, i been practicin n been lookin for a sis on d deen for ages now, n d prob ive been havin is that they seem to wanna marry doctors n dentists etc, forget his deen.

Looks r only important to a certain extent but mainly the deen should count.  The way i look at it is that if a bro / sis is lookin at anything other than the deen then he/she dont deserve sum1 upon the deen.
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Eemo

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #2 on: Feb. 03, 2009, 01:03 AM »

Salaam.

Well i certainly dont look for a Priyanka Chopra :)

Of course, that doesnt mean she shouldnt at least be attractive to me.

 And the 2 biggest reasons why im not married is because the number of sisters that are in Hijab in the UK is sooooo minimal its unbelievable, and couple that with someone that is cerebral, mature, understands the value and ideas of marriage, and has the earnest desire to make it work, and you're left with an extremely small slice of the pie.

Incidentally, i do have to agree somewhat with the brothers' response. Alot of the sisters (seemingly) have their own high standard system, about the man's career, his income and other elements that dont seem to have anything to do with the deen. I've experienced it myself, and what a bitter experience it has been.

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Muslimah21

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #3 on: Feb. 03, 2009, 11:14 PM »

yeah thats true, and those sisters are silly lol

but i have also experinced the fate of many other girls, becuase i dont look like some arabian princess and i cover and wear abaya they dont come near me. im not ugly or beautiful im plain, im normal im average. but thats not good enough and becuase i do not put slap on my face that makes me less desirable, which doesnt make sense to me. at least they know what i actually look like. ah well :S
but men have high standards. in terms of looks and what she can do at home. cook etc etc!

basically we can conclude both men and women are shallow and imature.
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Eemo

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #4 on: Feb. 04, 2009, 09:59 PM »

OK, let me just put your mind at ease...

If you're wondering why guys wont approach you 'out in the street' as it were, you have to consider that its simply a matter of societal conditioning.

Consider this, and let me just preface, that i dont do this, but im citing an example.

If i was to go into a bar, and approach some blonde, it would be very easy to have a chat, and maybe even walk away with a number. Provided i'm up for that kind of thing. Even if she was to reject me, at worst, i would get a "sorry, no!".

With a muslim sister, however, we've been socially conditioned to display the utmost respect, and of course theres no reason why it shouldnt be demanded.
What this means in reality, however, and you will notice this probably even with the 'bad boys' is they will never go near a girl in Hijab/Abbayah (unless she's one of those that wears a convertible, you know what i'm talking about :p).

We, men. When we see a sister in Hijab, just due to our social conditioning we often, and perhaps , irrationally, assume she is already married or that she's extremely strict about being approached. We dont want to embarass her, and nor do we want to embarass ourselves.

Western/Kuffar girls have much lower standards, and most likely, its a boost to their ego for each guy that approaches them.

Hope that helps your outlook, somewhat. Its not about the looks and i hope some of the other brothers here are able to attest to that, even if its just in part. :)
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Muslimah21

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #5 on: Feb. 05, 2009, 07:51 PM »

yeah i have been told that lots of times before.
no offence but a brother should treat every women he meets with respect just becuase she dresses like a tramp doesnt mean you have the right to oggle at ehr and flirt with her. and when you see a sister you behave liek saints. its called beign a hypocrite and just because we cant see what you do you forget allah sees everythign and he knows your intention. In the quran he states he is closer to you then you jugular vien, that is the vien from the brain, so he knows what you think and what your intentions are.

well i would like a brother to come upto me and for once say "can i have the number to your walli (father/brother) if a man asked that i would say yes.... but i get "can i have your number, or email address so we can ""chat"". uuuh hell no!! do i look like im lookign for fun?? get out of my face. How many other girls has he asked thats my first thought.
at least if he asked for my walli number i know he is mature and serious and not just looking to chat me up.
If you say your ready for marriage be a man and do it properly and show maturety.

well it seems muslim men have double standards from what you have said, they want to marry the pious hijab girl, but want to sleep with and mess about with the kuffar tramp in the mean time... hmmm! if i was his mother i'd slap him upside his head!


:D
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Eemo

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #6 on: Feb. 05, 2009, 11:38 PM »

I think you mis-understood what i said.

I mentioned, that if someone wanted to do it in theory, it could be done, but with a muslim sister, he wouldnt even dream it.
I, certainly dont think the boys that are flirting with the kuffar girls are even thinking about a girl in hijab, its just too suffocating a thought for them.

If you're not open to chat, then how are you proposing to get to know the guy? I mean you're chatting to ghayr mahram on this forum arent you?
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brisingr9

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #7 on: Feb. 24, 2009, 06:00 AM »

It all depends on what sort of mind a guy has. If he is a person who loves to look cool and is only concerned about this pityful world then he will obviously look for cutiess.. At the same time if he is a thankful slave he would invoke god to give him a thankful women as wife because he knows the value of a true believer over beauty.Faith itself is a great inner beauty which even brings external radiance.
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Shah

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #8 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 11:58 AM »

people gotta be attracted to each other. if i'm not atttracted to someone physically then i'm just not. people cant change that.
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Muslimah21

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #9 on: Mar. 18, 2009, 07:17 PM »

Not face to face chat, you cant see me what i look like, you cant oggle at me like most men doo :@
On here i talk on my terms, i particiapte where and when i want. and my identity is hidden. so i like talking on here, and the people i talk to on here i will never meet and will never marry anyone from the internet too wierd. I believe things should happen naturally not forced. as they say go with the flow. On the interent you have to always be on red alert, beign good make sure you say the right things. its all too staged and fake.   ;D

I come on here to talk about marriage, not to get married with someone on here HAHAHAA. after all its a marriage forum, not marriage site where people hook up.

Well yeah you need to have some sort of attraction to the person, a certain thing about them will attract you, could be anything. But soem people have set criteria, they need to be blonde, blue eyes, look like pamela... but a hijabi version. that is what i mean by high standards, unrealistic standards. LOL
 :D

Wow Brisnger that was very lovely, and sooo true too. That is the way peopel should think, both men and women.  :P
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Shah

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #10 on: Mar. 21, 2009, 12:16 AM »

so let me get this straight. U think guys over the internet are weird, a fb profile is enough to condemn, u dont like it when guys approach nor will most of you tolerate any kind of a past. So how is a normal guy even supposed to get to know you? No one is gonna approach you and ask for ur father/brothers name and number. 99% of sisters would think that very weird. And every one wants a pious saint type guy which every guy should be, but very few are. Then again very few woman are. You see what I'm alluding to? The world is small and our time short. Accept people that may not be at the same level as you and if ur deen is strong ur spouse will change for the better. We all deserve to be with someone.

Reading through this board, I found it very judgmental. Rather then being open and accepting, most members of this board are openly hostile to anyone who is a bit different. People forget to accept the faults within themselves and are so quick to blame others for their problems in life. Yes I'm a horrible Muslim i agree, but I think the viewpoints shared by many here only serve to further segment the Muslim population. I've read through other boards of other religions because i was bored, and they are so much more caring for each other. One guy was admitting sin and rather then people telling him that hes "scum", they showed him resources and ways to redeem himself. I can only imagine the reaction of some people on here. My parting advice is lets help and support each other. Lets connect to reality and world we live in. Yes this world is short but we still have to live in it. The next world is forever and we should make ever preparation for it, but that doesn't mean we can enjoy this world in halal fashion.
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jannah

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #11 on: Mar. 22, 2009, 07:28 AM »

shah the thing is as muslims we have limited ways of getting to know people...that is definitely a problem we have right now...there is just no system... see the thread about why people think the system is broken where we talk about how different people get married around the world. for western muslims because we're a minority it's very difficult. as for being "religious". i mean i don't think any sister minds marrying someone less "religious" than her, but there are some limits. if the person does not pray/fast/go to the mosque ever, they are just not going to be compatible, plain and simple. doesn't have anything to do with being judgemental they just won't have anything in common. 

for someone who as you said "was never a pious saint" and now wants to change for the better, how do we know the person has really changed? there are a lot of playboys out there (muslim or not) that were out to have fun, do whatever they want, but when it comes to getting married... they want some innocent virgin good muslim girl from the village. if such a guy came to propose to your sister, how would you determine that the guy is being sincere or would you just marry her to him, no questions/investigations asked?

btw i want to mention that we might accept people who have the deepest problems/sins/messed up lives whatever as our muslim brother or sister, but that is wayy different from marrying them. in marrying a spouse we're not just going to marry any person off the street who says they are muslim. i know you are understandably upset that a sister might not want to marry you because of your past, but don't equate that with her not accepting you as a fellow muslim. plus there might be a ton of other reasons such as personality, compatibility whatever. and not saying "you" just using the you as general.

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Muslimah21

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #12 on: Mar. 22, 2009, 12:10 PM »

If the person had done a complete U turn and embraced islam whole heartldly i would not hold his passed against him. But if he wanted to marry just to please his parents and actually the girl he loves is the girl he used to date well thats another story and why am reluctant to marry anyone i know has a passed.

Of course allah has said bleieving men are made for beliveing women and disblielvers are made for disblievers... so why would i a practicing muslimah who is a beliver marry a half hearted muslim who prays fasts and goes to mosque out of tradition and apart from that his life is liek a normal non muslim?? we would clash... i am very islamic in how i talk, i lvoe to talk about islam, the Porphet SAW especially. why on earth would i marry a guy who is nto apssionate about it like me? what would we do? what would we talk about?

Like i said before if islam is not the foundation of our marriage then the marriage doesnt stand a chance and will not last longer then the warrenty on my PC which was 1 year lol.
Seriously i couldnt imagine marrying a man who does not think about islam from when he wakes up until he sleeps. always has allah in his thoughts, always on his mind.
So i need someone relgious, If he is a revert Khalas, i do not care as long as when we meet he is a practicing muslim and i mean he doesnt do the basics he does more then that, He prays in the middle of the night and wakes up for fajr on time with no delay each morning. As i do, i want someone who practices islam as it should be done... balanced with dounia.
I do not care about the rest, i mean inshallah we will be compatible on other levels, sense of humour similar, Have similar interests. but if we do not it is not the end of the world becuase oppositis attract liek i mentioned beofre about my grandad and grandmother.

It keeps the relationship fresh and interesting, as long as islam is the foundation then the rest can be dealt with one step at a time.
If i met a muslim man, who was pious, humble, shy and knew how to talk to women as in lower his gaze, and talk with respect regardless if she is muslim or not. adn he may have been less muslim in the passed or commited sin, or is a revert that is in the passesd it matters to me what he does now. How he is in islam, how he practices now, how he deals with women.

I know men who claim to be pious, yet they chat up every hijabi they see and ask for thier numbers.... so they talk to 10 different sisters at once. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??? i would never accept that, we call that being a player.

I may have standards but they are given to me by allah, my rights and what allah says i should look for in a spouce, who is good for me and i will be good for them. Nothing haram or messed up about that. or do you disagree shah?
Becuase like you said you base your future wife on her looks, if she does not fit the bill regardless of her personality or deen then she is not for you. Well alhamdulilah for that, becuase you do not deserve those sisters  :D :D :D :D :D


 :)
jazakallah khier
 
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layla79

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #13 on: Apr. 22, 2009, 11:23 AM »

Salaam

I dunno wich kinda bros u bin bumpin into, i been practicin n been lookin for a sis on d deen for ages now, n d prob ive been havin is that they seem to wanna marry doctors n dentists etc, forget his deen.

Looks r only important to a certain extent but mainly the deen should count.  The way i look at it is that if a bro / sis is lookin at anything other than the deen then he/she dont deserve sum1 upon the deen.


TRUE.. I AGREE.
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Hamza81

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Re: why oh why???
« Reply #14 on: Jun. 02, 2009, 05:27 PM »

asalam walikum wa rhamatu allah wa barakatu.

why oh why is it that when brothers look for a sister they look for looks and see that as more important then deen or character and go against what the prophet SAW told us to do.
and why is it they prefer non hijabies to hijabies???
basically why are they so shallow and look for impossible??

jazakallh khier
thanks
:D



Asalaamu alaikum, these are the marriges that certainly do not last for long. A person is in a trance over the person's looks and disregards how they are as people and their character. Then when their married to them they find out exactly what they are like and then the marrige goes wrong because they are not the right match and the girl or guy is not what the person expected. This is always the case and happens if one goes in a trance over the person's looks and later on find out that they should have taken into consideration other factors like character etc.

This is the same for women who marry men for money. They don't live happy lives at all and i have seen MANY cases of this happening.

We have to realise that looks will fade pretty quick and a person gets used to looks after a qwhile but character will always grow better and thats wheat will really matter in the long run in a marrige and this is where most of our families arer going wrong because there are SO many families who just ask about the girl or guys education and looks and how tall he or she is and whether he or she is fair etc and disregard the most important things of all. Families can be VERY narrow minded! Im talking manily about Asian families as i can't talk for other races.

I think the people who do go for look certainly regret it later on and at least we know twhat is important so we can avoid making the mistakes they did and i hope anyone reading has also learnt now because trust me we do NOT want to learn the hard way because the worst thing that is halaal in this world is divorce as it is a bitter and very nasty process. May Allah save us from this. Ameen.
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