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Author Topic: Should I marry this person?  (Read 3128 times)

Zara

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Should I marry this person?
« on: Jan. 29, 2009, 12:54 AM »

I am from Pakistan and want to marry this guy whose mother is dead set against allowing him to marry me. She says that girls studying in co-education colleges are of bad character, and their sole purpose is to 'trap' the guys and snatch them away from their families. She is the strongest person in his family, and everyone even his father has to oblige to her commands and wishes. He's been trying to convince her to let him marry me with her consent for about 4 years now, but she doesn't budge. The funny thing is that she hasn't even seen me, or met my family. She is relying her judgement on preconceived notions and stories that most women in Pakistan usually make just to chit-chat in their free time!!!

According to whatever I have read about getting married in Islam, what this lady says is totally unjustifiable, and is not a reason to go against me. My parents know this guy, but want his parents' involvement and consent in the wedding. At the same time, they also know that time is running out for me, and though they cannot force me to marry anyone else, they would want me to get married to this guy as soon as I could. For this reason, and seeing that I do not want to marry anyone else, my parents recently told me that even if his parents do not agree, they would help him get married to me.

His mother has practically disowned him; his father and other family members won't talk to him. Life is more difficult for him than me these days. Despite being totally committed to me, he also feels that he would lose everyone else, which is very natural under the circumstances.

Now that I know that my parents are at my side, I find myself at a crossroads; on the one hand, there's this guy who is very dear to me, and on the other hand I think ahead about the void that he will feel after he marries me because there would be nobody from his family in the wedding. Please do not forget that I am living in Pakistan and will get married there. In Pakistan people have to answer to others about everything whether they like it or not. In addition, I think about the troubles my parents would have to go through to make this happen.

I don't know what to do. I need a dua, a solution, anything to make things right, as I don't want to marry him without his family's taking part in the wedding.

Please help me.
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MzCBox

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #1 on: Jan. 29, 2009, 05:09 AM »

Hey Zara,

Sorry to hear about your difficult circumstance!

And yes I could go on about how ''blah blah'' your potential in-laws are behaving but that wont really fix anything, so lets look at some possible solutions / suggestions / advices :

1) You & your fiance could arrange a meeting of the two families, even if this means by way of "accidentally tricking'' them to meet, say for eg both families meet at a restaurant, park etc, in that way they would actually see exactly who their son is waiting for.

2) Judging by their attitude towards you & your way of attaining education, I would assume they probably fall more on the religious side, if this is the case, and if you really want to that guy of yours, try upgrading a notch or two Islamically, like for eg if your a non-hijaabi, try wearing it out sometimes etc, this would make a great impact not only on your guy and his family but also on yourself.

3) If he has sisters or cousins that are close to him, try associating with them more often, let them see what a darling you are!!

4) No matter what the situation, do NOT ever badmouth or complain to your guy about his folks or family, will only make matters worse and turn his heart away from yours.

5) And most importantly, what does the guy in question have to say about all of this?! The fact that he waited all this time shows something great of course but how much longer will this be able to continue for?!

Just some of my thoughts on the matter............laterz Inshallah

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you guys!
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jannah

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #2 on: Jan. 29, 2009, 09:00 AM »

Interesting... I've just been hearing about this exact situation but from the guy's side! But don't worry he's not in pakistan :)

You know I don't know what to tell you. Some parents just never accept the marriage ever. Even the grandchildren are made to suffer. Others get over it very quickly once they realize the son is serious. Some just take a few months and then meet the girl and everything proceeds, some take years. I know one couple where it took 8 years. Is it worth it? I can't honestly say.

Maybe you could try all the above things mcoz was talking about... and also things about arbitration, getting a local imam/respected maulvi, aunt or uncle of his who is sympathetic to your cause to try to intervene and talk to his parents. You could get your parents to talk to his but that usually gets ugly as the other parents try to do everything possible to offend your parents so they call it off.

I think do everything you can and then both of you should do a lot of istikharah and a lot of thinking about what you want. Set a deadline. 4 years was probably 3 years too many. So make a deadline of deciding on what you both want very soon. Do not wait any longer. If at the end you're both willing to go against his parents you can make a plan on how to go about it. You should also discuss these things with your family so you can have their support even if you don't have his familys.

Good luck inshallah.


These situations just make me so upset. Why don't parents let their kids marry who they want?? Why are they so selifish :( Even if the kids make mistakes it's their lives to make them. Arghhh.

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Zara

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #3 on: Jan. 29, 2009, 01:53 PM »

Thank you for your responses.

But I would like to add something more here. The guy's mother, being the hard-hearted one has cut off contact from most of her and her husband's extended family, so there is virtually nobody to intervene. His siblings are so under the influence of their mother that even if they have thoughts of their own, they wouldn't say or do anything against their mother. I have never heard of a woman this cold and brutal.

Although he claims that his mother loves him the most, but the way she is reacting suggests otherwise. He says I am worth all the trouble, but will he be able to cope up with the oppression of his family, and the things that people will say? It's very hard, and if my parents weren't on my side, it would not have been easy for me to take this step. But in the end if its the man and the woman who have to live with eachother, then why should anyone complain?

I seriously need help.
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MzCBox

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #4 on: Jan. 30, 2009, 01:40 PM »

Hmmm.... we get the picture with the 'angry aunty' lol and it seems like shes not going to change in a hurry hun!!

Make sure he is 100% certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with you (without complaining or without him chucking it back at you that he left his family for you etc etc), if all thats sorted then just go ahead with the marriage & make dua big time ;)

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Muslimah21

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #5 on: Feb. 01, 2009, 11:04 PM »

salaam zara,

im so sorry to hear about your situation. um all i can suggest is that you allow him to now make the desicion, can he marry you and then try and to fix things with his family, or can he not take the risk. i know it must be hard for him. my mother nearly did the same to my brother, although we are north african and his fiance is middle eastern. not even from same country. and my mother was dead set against it. my brother was patient with her and he made sure she was involved and knew about her the day they met and he knew he liked her. and 5 years later they are engaged.. just a month ago and are planning the wedding. it takes time. can you wait that long? it took my mother 4 years! and she is still not 100% but knows her reasons are cultural and not islamic at all. now i will have the same problem when i get married :S lol

if his mother doesnt come around to it, then you can have the marriage without her blessings islamically you can do that is the reason is based on culture. and go to an imam. but your family are ok with it, and its usually the daughters side that are up tight and controlling. but i hope all works out. just remember if its meant to be it will happen, make dua, and remember things happen for a reason, if its written by allah then it will be. he knows who your soul mate and partner is in this life. just need to trust allah more then ever.
good luck sis

jazakallah khier
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Anonymous

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Re: Should I marry this person?
« Reply #6 on: Feb. 04, 2009, 10:23 AM »

I heard from someone who's very active in community work/counseling youth on issues like this that he thought it would be a good idea to write an email/letter to the parents and important family members. Sometimes in the discussion or fighting with each other it just gets really emotional and you can't get your points across or what you want to say or how hurt you are or your resolve on the issues. So maybe you can tell him to try that. He can write all the reasons and refutations and then also at the end put that he's willing to go ahead with this marriage without them but would like their blessing. It's worth a try?  8)
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